Chapter Forty-Eight
Dani
My heart is slamming in my chest and I feel like I'm on the brink of a panic attack, but strangely it doesn't actually happen. My head doesn't feel quite so fogged up with thoughts and craziness. I'm holding Eli's hand. I'm holding Eli's hand!! He hasn't said anything about it, which I'm thankful for. I don't quite know why I did it or how I feel about it, but I do know that it isn't freaking me out as much as it used to. Maybe it's the drugs, maybe I trust him more than I think. Maybe it is a combination of the two, I don't know. I just know that it doesn't feel as awful as I imagined it would.
We eat silently until there's a knock on the door. Eli gives my hand a tiny squeeze as he stands up to open the front door. He informs me it's his dad before he lets Don in.
“Hey dad.”
“Hey guys. How's it going?”
“Good thanks. How was work?”
“Busy. What about you?”
“Yeah, it was good. I have to start jogging again though.”
Don chuckles and says, “I should get some hand to hand combat in now, while you're unfit.”
“Not unfit, just not as fit as I was, thank you.”
Don turns to look at me and he asks, “How are you feeling, Dani?”
“Ok, thank you sir.”
“Is the medication helping?”
I see Eli smile when his dad asks that. I can almost hear his thoughts on that one. I bite back a small smile of my own as I say, “I think so. Thank you.”
“Good. I have your next 2 doses. I can see you're eating so I'll leave you to it. I just wanted to drop these off. I'll bring more tomorrow...”
My eyes widen and my eyebrows shoot up in surprise when I hear my own voice ask, “Would you like some, sir?”
I hear Eli cough out of shock and to be honest, I don't even know what came over me to ask Don such a thing. He breaks me out of my thoughts, “I don't want to intrude...”
“No sir, it's ok.... It's the least I can do to thank you.”
“Are you sure?”
I hesitate and I think he takes it as uncertainty, so he says, “It's ok. Thank you for the gesture, but I'll save it for another day.”
“No, it's ok. Honestly. Let me fix you some.”
I stand up to fix Don a plate and Eli tells his dad to sit down at the breakfast bar. Eli sits next to his dad and starts talking about having a training session. I turn away from the stove and towards the breakfast bar with Don's plate but then I feel panic settle in. Both men are sitting at the breakfast bar, not giving me any space to finish my dinner. The other thing that fills me with dread is the thought of getting Don's dinner to him without being too close for comfort. I don't know what to do as I just stand there, holding Don's dinner. I'm not sure how long I stand, rooted to the spot, but Eli appears in front of me. I had zoned out until I see him standing in front of me, so I jump out of my dazed state and take a giant step back.
Eli whispers, “Hey, baby, it's just me. You ok?”
I don't answer, I just hold onto Don's plate. I see Eli reach behind him and grab my dinner before he takes Don's plate from my hands. He gives me my food and whispers, “It's ok, sweetheart. You want us to eat in the living room?”
I just stare at first and I know there's fear and panic in my eyes, but I manage to whisper, “No sir. I'll just eat over here. It's ok.”
He shoots me a smile and says, “I'm proud of you, Dani. You amaze me more every day.”
I feel the tears sting my eyes and I'm not quite sure why. I think Eli's words touch me more than I realize, but I also feel like there may be some light at the end of the tunnel. It may only be a slither of light and it may not last for long, but it might actually be there now.
Eli's hand reaches up towards my face and I back off, trembling. I can feel myself shaking and I feel the panic rise in me. My breathing hitches and I barely hear Eli whisper, “Babe, shhh. Just calm down. It's just me. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. I just want to move your hair out of your eyes.”
I croak out, “Please...”
He drops his hand quickly and tries to calm my fears, “It's ok, Dani. I'm sorry. It's too much too soon. I'm sorry. You've just been doing so well tonight...”
“It's ok.”
“Go eat sweetheart.”
I swiftly back up to the stove and eat by the counter, just watching everything. I see Don raise his eyebrows at Eli. Eli's back is to me, so I don't see his expression; I only see the slight shake of his head. That makes me feel even more ashamed than before. I hate that I can't be normal; I hate that I disappoint Eli and let myself down all the time. I just have to soldier on and hope that it gets better.
Don only stays for an hour and Eli and I go to bed just after midnight. As I sit on the edge of my bed, Eli appears with the vial of medicine. I watch him fill the syringe and I roll my sleeve up, accepting the fate that is at hand. To be honest, I'm not so opposed to the drugs now and that worries me. I don't know if I am getting hooked again or if they are actually helping and I don't want to give that up yet. I have to go with the latter. One, because I don't want to admit I'm getting addicted and two, because I have to agree that I have been a bit bolder today. I actually held Eli's hand, that is something I would never have done before. It's this thought that is in my mind as my eyelids flutter closed and sleep takes over.
The week moves on and I have to admit, I'm getting bored being at home. Eli tells me how things are going at work and I realize that I'm missing it more every day. I love what I do, even if I don't like people being around me, I like doing the job. I have to go back sometime, so why not soon? I make a mental note to talk to Eli about it. My brain has been a little quieter, but I have made no more attempts at physical contact with Eli. I think he's getting frustrated by the '1 step forwards, 2 steps back' routine. He doesn't mention anything about it; it's just a feeling I get.
I do feel bad about that. I feel awful for disappointing him all the time, however, it's not something I can just overcome in one day. I want to be more brave; I want to make Eli proud of me. I'm thinking about this as I go through the files the Cap has sent over. I place the file on the table and rub my face with my hands. I hear my poppa's voice say, “Svetlyak, you're not a disappointment. You are my beautiful girl. You just need to be more trusting of this man. I promise you it will all be ok.”
“Poppa? Please poppa, don't go. Don't leave me again... Poppa?”
The voice is gone just as quickly as it appears. It can't be that I'm going crazy because the drugs I'm on are supposed to prevent such things. I don't know if it really is my poppa or if it's my subconscious telling me what I know he would say. I suppose it doesn't really matter though, because I know he's right about me trusting Eli more. I know I have to do that; it just doesn't come easily. I decide to drop what I'm doing and bake something. That's what my momma used to do whenever she was worried about something.
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Eli's POV
This week has be relentless. Work has been crazy, I've been on the guys' tails for a drop in fitness and target accuracy. We've had a couple emergencies to deal with plus our usual duties. I can deal with work being manic; nothing can be worse than being faced with war situations in the Middle East. The thing that's bothering me the most is the sudden change in Dani. Last week she was making progress. She held my hand, she asked my dad to stay for dinner. She opened up a bit, but now it's like she's retreated back into herself again. Her nightmares seem to have calmed a little, but she's gone backwards again. Maybe I shouldn't put so much pressure on her to progress that quickly. I know it's not easy for her, but I guess I thought the drugs would be like a miracle cure for her or something. We've only got another week of these drugs and then she has to come off them to see what happens. I really don't like calling them drugs; it sounds so dirty and wrong.
It's nearly 8pm when I knock on Dani's front door. She checks the peephole before opening up. I take my badge and guns off before shrugging out of my jacket. Just as I hang my jacket up, she whispers, “Eli?”
My head snaps up. I love it when she calls me by my name. “Yeah?”
“I made something for you...”
My eyebrows furrow in confusion as I question, “You did?”
“Yep.”
She puts a cake on the breakfast bar, complete with frosting and everything. It looks like she spent a lot of time putting this together. I feel a genuine smile form on my face as I step closer to take a look. She's written on the top of the cake. It reads, 'Thank for tolerating me.'
“Tolerating you?”
She shrugs, “Yeah. I seemed to be the only thing that I could make fit on there. I couldn't write small enough to make it say what I wanted to.”
I chuckle at her thought pattern. “Babe, I don't tolerate you. I like helping you. I like your company...”
“Even if I disappoint you?”
“When did you do that?”
“All the time. Can I be honest with you, sir?”
“Of course. I always want you to be honest with me.”
“And you won't get angry?”
“I can't promise that. That completely depends on what you tell me. But, I won't be angry with you. I might get angry at your situation or the things that have made you the way you are, but it won't be directed at you. That I can promise.”
She seems to mull over my words for a few seconds, and then she says, “Even if you tell me I don't disappoint you, I know I do. I can see it. I can see that you're frustrated with me always taking more steps backwards than forwards...”
I open my mouth to say something, but she quickly speaks again, “Please, let me finish. I practiced this all afternoon...”
I smile, not only to encourage her, but also because I find it kind of heart warming that she's been thinking seriously about this.
“I don't want you to be disappointed with me and I don't want to make you frustrated. I am trying, I promise I am. I'm just struggling with most of this. The drugs do help, but they only make things a little easier to deal with. They don't completely remove the memories. I don't want you to think I'm not trying; I don't want you to get annoyed because I've backed off again. I just can't completely erase the memories and I need to find a way to quell those first. I'm frightened, Eli. I know you know that, but I don't think you realize just how frightened I am. Bad things happened, sir. Things that you can't even imagine. Things that I don't want to remember, but I can't help but re-live every day of my life. I don't want to be defined by my past, but my brain isn't wired to forget, so I can't help but live by my past.”
She takes a deep breath and I feel my heart swell at how brave Dani is. It must have been terrifying for her to reveal all of that to me. She's just basically opened herself up to any form of rejection or abuse. I'm guessing that talking or saying her opinion in that awful place only made her treatment worse. That's probably why she doesn't really talk; although she is much better with that now.
I take a little step closer to her. I soften my voice and make my body language as unthreatening as I can.
“Sweetheart, I am so proud of you. I don't ever want you doubt that. You have made so much progress, especially in these last few months. I know we've had a few setbacks, but mostly you have made stead progress. I know you're frightened. I know I can never know just how frightened you are, but I can read your fear more than you know. Sometimes I am guilty of expecting more from you and I am sorry for that. I don't mean to put pressure on you, I swear. I guess I just assume that if you make contact with me, then it's something you've overcome and I come to expect it again. I know it's stupid for me to think that way, but my heart swells with pride for you and it clouds my vision. It makes me think that's another hurdle you've jumped over. I will try not to put pressure on you. And for the record, I appreciate you talking about this with me. I can read your expressions, but I can't read your mind. I would like to know what you're thinking, at least some of the time. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about anything. Ok?”
“Yes sir. Thank you.”
“So, shall we cut this awesome looking cake?”
“You do the honors. It is your cake after all.”
I chuckle at the fact there's a lightness in the air now. Like that has cleared the air a bit between us. As we eat the cake I say, “My mom would tell me off right now. We're eating dessert before dinner. She hates that...”
“Oh.”
“I won't tell if you don't...”
“Of course not.”
“Good.”
“Eli?”
“Yes baby?”
“I want to go back to work...”
I'm shocked and I don't know if I can cover that expression on my face. “When?”
“Monday.”
“You sure about this? I mean, I think it's great you want to go back, but I just want you to be ready. Cain starts next week as well.”
“I'm ready Well, as ready as I'll ever be, I guess. I'm bored and I miss my job. It's only going to get harder the longer I leave it, right?”
“Probably. If you're sure, then ok. I'm glad you want to go back. I've missed you being there. Heck, the whole team has missed you. The Cap will be thrilled to see you.”
“Would you mind telling him?”
“Of course I'll tell him. I'll call him now.”
I'm excited that Dani will be back in the office. So much so that my smile is hurting my face. It seems to rub off on her, because Dani sends me a small smile as I call the Cap. It might not be a full blown smile, but it's definitely a start.