"So, Frankie, who's Shane and why do you look so guilty?"
I didn't know why I felt a sudden rush of panic hit me as Gerard waited for my answer. I gulped and it came out louder than I planned, Gerard furrowing his brows even more and I knew how fucking guilty I must have looked, even though I was only guilty of a small lie, but now it looked like so much more.
I knew things were bad when silence between Gerard and me felt so unnatural, and this was one of those moments. He stood next to me, looking down on me, waiting for some sort of answer, but I just stood there in silence, staring down at my shoes, nibbling on my lip ring, distracting myself with anything possible.
"Frank," Gerard spoke again. He spoke calmly but I flinched at the fact that he called me Frank instead of Frankie; I couldn't even remember the last time he had called me Frank. "Answer me."
I took a deep breath, and it was shakier and louder than I intended. I clenched my eyes and fists tight as I felt my heartbeat quicken and my whole body began to tremble slightly.
"Why are you...calm down," Gerard said. He sounded concerned yet even more suspicious, like he didn't know if he should be angry or concerned first.
He took my hand and guided me to the sofa, sitting me down. I didn't even realize how numb my limbs had gotten until I practically tumbled after him. He sat next to me and rubbed soothing circles on my back.
"Breathe," he spoke softly. "Take deep breaths."
I did as he said, every breath coming out shakier than the one before. Would Gerard leave me if he found out I'd purposely kept Shane from him? Maybe it would give him an excuse to leave me. Maybe this was my nightmares turning to reality. I always dreamt of hurting Gerard physically until I lost him, but now I must have hurt him emotionally, and I would lose him. Tears stung at my eyes and fuck, why was I being so pathetic?? I had gotten stronger than this, why was I falling apart...
The tears escaped my eyes and Gerard was quick to notice.
"Frankie," he sighed, his breath shaky as well. "Did-is-was there anything between you and Shane that should concern me? Did you have, like, a relationship with this guy or something? That's all I-"
I quickly looked up at him with my tear filled eyes and shook my head, stopping him from finishing his sentence. If that's all he was concerned about, that wasn't the case.
"You didn't?" he asked, looking relieved but apprehensive. I nodded, the tears still spilling from my eyes, and a small sob escaped me. I just wanted to go hide in a corner. I didn't want Gerard to see me this way. "Fuck, then why are you freaking out?"
I knew Gerard believed me. He wasn't one to doubt me. All suspicion was gone as he wrapped his arms around me and I buried my tear-stained face into the crook of his neck, taking deep shaky breaths, a sob escaping here and there.
"Please, sugar, calm down," he spoke soothingly, rubbing his hand up and down my back. "I'm sorry if I scared you with how I reacted. I just...I easily get jealous when it comes to my Frankie."
He didn't need to be apologizing. I still lied to him, even if it was a small lie. I took one last deep breath and pulled away from Gerard. He cupped my face, and stroked his thumbs over my cheeks.
"Wanna go downstairs?" he asked, and I nodded. He took my hand. I still felt kind of shaken up and my limbs were still tingling, so I clung on to him, and he wrapped an arm around me.
We got to his bedroom and he sat me down on his bed. He knelt down on the floor and took my shoes and socks off for me. I just stared at him the entire time. He was so careful and tender. Just seconds ago, for all he knew, I could have cheated on him, and now he was back to his loving self after just the shake of my head.
Why was it that every time Gerard did something good for me I couldn't just enjoy it? I had to be a fucking pessimist and have my mind overridden by negative thoughts about how much better he was than me; about how he was better off without me.
Still kneeling on the ground, Gerard slipped my jacket and shirt off, leaving me in my t-shirt. There was no sexual tension at the moment, no matter how close he got to me, or if his hands brushed against my skin; just him being loving and caring. He undid my pants and then pulled me up off the bed so he could get them off, so that I was just in my boxers. He sat me back down on the bed and then went to take his clothes off too. He grabbed a t-shirt from his pile of clothes and put it on, so that he was in basically the same thing as me. He crawled into bed, laying on his side and I still had my back to him.
"Come here," he said and I took a deep breath. I bent over to get my phone out of my pants pocket and then laid down next to him, both of us on our sides, facing each other. "You feeling okay now?" he asked, running the back of his fingers tenderly against my cheek and I nodded. "Now tell me about Shane."
I nodded and went to my phone. I wrote, "You remember that day a few weeks ago when my mom said she invited some people over?" I turned my phone towards him and he thought about it for a while until he remembered, and then nodded. I went back to typing and wrote, "My mom invited some lady she met at church and her son, Shane. Apparently, Shane was like me and he didn't talk so my mom and this lady thought it was a great idea for the two freaks who didn't talk to become friends. I just met him that one time but didn't keep in touch. When you asked me who came, I lied because I figured it might bother you to know I knew someone who also didn't talk."
I looked up at Gerard and he was just watching me patiently as I typed. I turned my phone towards him and he took his time reading it.
"Did you talk to him?" he immediately asked and that honestly felt like a stab to my heart to see that that was Gerard's main concern; I wasn't angry that he asked it, I as guilty. He didn't ask if I kept in touch, if he liked me, if I liked him. All Gerard asked was if I talked to him, because that was the one thing I was depriving Gerard of. I shook my head and Gerard nodded. "You're not a freak, and I know your mom doesn't think that either." I nodded, already knowing my mom's pure intentions behind doing it. "Did you guys keep in touch?"
I shook my head and took my phone back to write more. I wrote, "We exchanged texts that day on my phone, just like a couple, and then he left his number but I never got around to texting him."
I showed Gerard the text and he nodded. "So you only met him that one time?" I nodded. "Then why did you freak out so much? God, you scared me. I thought, I honestly thought you had a relationship with this guy. And then with the whole him not talking, I thought you secretly had someone to talk to or something. Why did you get so scared if nothing happened between you two?"
I shrugged and Gerard looked at me in a way that said "I know you know" without him actually saying it. I sighed, finally feeling like I was breathing again. My breath felt so trapped in my chest earlier, but now I felt like the oxygen actually reached my brain and I could function properly.
I wrote, "I thought you'd be mad at me lying to you that one time. I just thought you'd be so mad at me hiding Shane from you that you might leave me. When I heard how suspicious you were already getting, I thought that's it, you were gonna be done with me."
I turned my phone towards him and Gerard's brows got closer and closer together the further he got into the text.
"Frankie," he sighed, a small smile on his face, "you think I would leave you over something like that?"
I nodded and he chuckled a little, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "It would take a lot more than a little white lie to make me want to leave you. I love you too much to let go that easily. God, you really don't realize how much you actually mean to me, do you?"
I shook my head and wrote, "I do," and turned my phone towards him, then pulled it back to write more. "I do because I've seen all you do for me and I see how you accept me more than anyone, but that's what makes me get this way."
I turned my phone towards him quickly, before I changed my mind about explaining things.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
I pulled my phone back and wrote, "It seems too good to be true, all of this. I feel like you're so perfect in the way you treat me, that I'm just waiting for it all to come crashing down. I haven't found a bad thing in this relationship and that scares me, because I've never seen anything in my life be perfect, so I want to hurry and find the negative before it just appears out of nowhere and hurts even more. That's what I zoned out about today. I'm just so scared of this falling apart; if it's going to, I want it to just hurry and happen."
I debated telling Gerard about the nightmares, but I felt like those nightmares directly blamed Gerard and I didn't want him to feel that way, so I figured it was best to keep those to myself. Gerard sighed when he finished reading the text.
"I know how you feel," Gerard said, scooting closer to me so that he could wrap one arm around me. "I understand, but you can't think like that. It'll really get to you and it'll be the thing that messes up what we have. I used to think like that, when you stuck around for me while I was sobering up, I would think it would all be ruined. But I stopped myself because that would ruin us. I want you to just live in the moment, and enjoy it."
I nodded, knowing he was completely right. If I kept thinking that way, I would ruin us, but it was so hard to stop. That was who I was; it was a hard thing to change.
"I'll always be here," he whispered, kissing my cheek. "I don't know what life has planned for us, but one thing I can promise you is that I will alwayslove you. I know you can't stop these negative thoughts, but can you include that in there and keep telling yourself that?"
I smiled and nodded right away, hoping that my mind would start thinking more positively. I didn't know if that would actually happen, but I hoped it would.
I leaned up and pressed my lips to his then pulled back and nuzzled my face into his neck.
"Sleep," he whispered, "I still have your final gift to give you tomorrow."
I smiled and nodded.
"Oh, and I have to meet Shane," he added in quietly.
I pulled away and stared up at him.
"I figure your mom and his mom will eventually make you guys get back in touch, Frankie," Gerard shrugged. "So I have to meet him and make sure he's alright, and make sure he isn't crushing on you." I raised my eye brow at him. "What? I would easily be able to tell just by how he looks at you. And if I sense him liking you in any way, I'd rather give up sex with you than let him anywhere near you." I raised my eye brow again. "Ok, so maybe not give up sex, but you know what I mean."
I laughed and nodded. I couldn't argue; Gerard had a right to that, so I pressed another kiss to his lips, before sliding my body down so that my head rested against his chest and I was lulled to sleep by the gentle beating of his heart.