Sometimes, when the planets align, and it rained while it was sunny, Aunt Cecil decided to cook.
Sometimes, she did great. Some other times, I worried I would come home to find the kitchen on fire.
When I walked inside my house, though, I couldn't help but scrunch up my face.
"Aunt Ceci, what did you do?" I yelled, covering my nose with my hand. The smell was so bad— it was like fart mixed with rotten eggs.
Cecil rushed out of the kitchen, she had kitchen gloves on, and an old t-shirt that I'm pretty sure belonged to one of her ex-boyfriends. Her dirty blonde hair was up in the messiest bun I've ever seen, the panic in her green eyes visible.
Sometimes, looking at Aunt Cecil was like looking at a younger model of Mum. They had the same eyes, the same hair colour, sometimes even their voices sounded similar. Sometimes, looking at her was harder than I'd care to admit.
"You're early!" She shouted, taking me in desperately. "Why are you early?"
"I'm actually late."
I took my jacket off and used it as a fan to ventilate the room, breathing through my mouth as I try to get rid of the smell.
"What is that?" I said.
"It doesn't smell that bad," Ceci drew her eyebrows together, looking slightly offended. It made me feel bad.
At least she was trying. She was always trying.
"I'm sorry," I told her, making a face after I made the mistake of breathing through my nose.
The thing with Aunt Ceci was that she could cook. We learnt together. But we learnt simple stuff. However, sometimes Aunt Cecil woke up in a mood, excited and wanting to try new things... that's when things go south, and we end up sick.
Aunt Cecil's shoulders dropped, she took a seat by the stairs and looked over at me. "Should I order pizza?"
I grabbed hold of the door's handle, opening it and closing it. Aunt Cecil laughed, rolling her eyes at me.
"Nah, Abuela's Tacos, instead?" Before I even had time to finish my sentence, Aunt Cecil was making her way up the stairs, telling me she was going to get ready.
While she was getting ready, I headed to the kitchen to make sure everything was fine and that nothing could burn while we were out. If the smell of what Cecil was cooking didn't kill me, the way the kitchen looked would've done the job. She had somehow managed to use every single pot and about four different spatulas. There were bits of sauce dripping down the oven's door.
Biting my lower lip, I grabbed the pods and put them in the sink, letting the hot water run over them. I put the many plates she had used in the dishwasher and with a kitchen towel, I started wiping the counters.
An hour and a half later, Aunt Cecil and I were in her car, on our way to Abuela's Tacos.
Aunt Cecil was telling me about her day. She worked at a book shop that belonged to my granddad before grandma practically forced him to retire about six years go. Since Aunt Jeanine didn't want anything to do with the book store, they were going to rent it, but Aunt Cecil asked him to let her run it.
I remember back then, it brought a lot of discussions, arguments between Jeanine and Cecil. It was mostly because Aunt Jeanine thought Aunt Cecil couldn't be responsible for both running a book shop and taking care of me.
Aunt Cecil showed them all wrong, though, like I knew she would. She updated the stock. Stopped focusing so much on non-fiction and history books. Instead, she started getting more YA, MG, fiction, sci-fi, graphic novels and even a bit of R rated books... at first, it was a little hard because she had to change the old image of the shop. Still, soon enough, the sales began to pick up, and Aunt Cecil even started running book clubs and stuff. Aunt Jeanine sort of apologised.
I watched Cecil as she explained what she was working on at the moment. She waved a hand about from time to time, letting go of the wheel and so lost in what she was saying that she completely missed the exit we were meant to take. I watched her, driving without a direction and I didn't mind because it was not the first time. It was something that we had developed over the years as if we were so engrossed with our conversation that we didn't want the car ride to finish just yet.
By the time we made it to the restaurant, my stomach was growling, and Aunt Cecil was on her phone, talking to some friend of hers. I sat at our usual place, reading the menu even though I already knew what I was going to order. I waited for Cecil to finish her call and as soon as she did, we ordered our food.
The conversation was light, fun even. It always was. Cecil and I communicated as we've always had, with no secrets and with respect.
Before my parents died, they had apparently discussed with Aunt Cecil that if anything were to happen to them, she'd be the one to take care of me. I think Cecil agreed because she never really thought it would ever happen. Me being in the care of Aunt Ceci wasn't a thing that anybody ever saw as a reality... until it was.
When it happened, Aunt Jeanine completely disagreed with it. She kept waiting for Aunt Cecil to come to her senses and give me up, let Jeanine raise me instead. But Cecil never did. Sometimes, I wondered why she didn't. I think it would've been easier for her if she had just dropped me off at Aunt Jeanine's house. She could've carried on with her life instead of learning how to take care of a grieving kid while also grieving herself.
She had to settle down. She moved out of her one-room flat in London to a four-bedroom house in the little town she grew up in. She stopped going out on weekends, she gave up the habit of having a new boyfriend every week and got a proper job— all for me.
Aunt Ceci said that it was about time she started behaving like an adult. Aunt Jeanine thought so too, but then again, she was always a little harsh about what she thought of Aunt Cecil. It wasn't a secret that they didn't always get along. It was actually after Mum's passing that they grew closer.
They had their arguments occasionally but not like before. Before, their arguments were so bad that the atmosphere around them was unbearable for all of us. I'm sure it mustn't have been easy to have Aunt Jeanine criticising her every move.
At first, Aunt Cecil was a mess. I was a mess, too. But slowly, we started learning how to live with each other, we got to know each other differently. We sort of grew together and into each other.
"Isn't that Maddison?" Aunt Cecil asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I turned around to where she was looking.
And indeed, there she was... Maddison. She was with a girl that wasn't Lottie. It wasn't Jazmin nor Becca. I rolled my eyes at the sight of it. Out of all the girls, I never ever thought Maddison could get Nina Amakye.
Nina was... the only girl in school that I wished I could be confident enough to talk to. Not because of a crush or anything, although Nina was insanely beautiful, it was because I was utterly certain that Nina was the friendliest girl in our town. She just had that personality, the one that made everybody want to be her friend.
And Nina wasn't all looks, either, she was legit one of the smartest girls in school.
How could Maddison get her too?
"Yeah," I sighed, turning back to my lunch.
We carried on eating in comfortable silence. When we were done, she paid, and I rushed to the car.
I couldn't help but feel bad for Lottie. I wanted to tell her, but even if I did, she wouldn't believe me. I've told her before, and it only caused us to argue.
On our way back home, I could tell Aunt Cecil had something to say. And judging by the way she was hesitating and the date, I knew what it was. We had been driving for about five minutes, and Aunt Cecil still hadn't said anything, I sighed and decided to start the conversation myself.
"Okay, fine, what do I get if I go?" I asked.
Aunt Cecil had been trying to get me to go to Lottie's birthday party ever since she found out Lottie was having one.
I told her I wasn't going, and it brought a lot of unwanted conversations that I thought we had left in the past already. Aunt Cecil worried that I wasn't enjoying my last year of sixth form. That I wasn't enjoying life and my teenage years. When I told her I just wasn't interested in it, she would get this look on her face, and I knew what was coming. I usually dropped the conversation around then.
Aunt Cecil's shoulders dropped. "I don't want to force you."
I looked away from her, looking out the window.
"It's okay."
It wasn't, but the least I could do was try.
"I'm letting you know now, though," I said, "I have to give in a biology essay on Monday, so I won't stay long."
She could barely hold in her smile as she said, "Lottie's going to be glad."
Her cheerful tone made me feel guilty that I was planning on casually dropping by and leaving the second I said happy birthday to Lottie.
"I don't understand why I have to go, though," I groaned, allowing myself to slide down the seat, wallowing in my self-pity, already dreading the upcoming weekend.
"If she's going to have two parties, one for the family and one for her friends, then I'd rather go to the family one."
"She really wants you to go." Aunt Cecil's voice changed slightly, and I was back to feeling guilty about it.
"I said I'll go," I said, an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was only Wednesday, how was I already anxious about this party?
"You know," She began after a while in silence. Judging by the overflowing nostalgia in her tone and the slight smile on her face, I knew what she was going to talk about Mum before she uttered another word. "When I was your age, your mum used to drag me out of parties. Once she dragged me out by the hair. It happened so often, my friends and I started running bets on how she'd drag me out of a party."
I snorted, imagining my mum dragging Aunt Ceci out of some random house, creating a scene.
"One time, when they were coming to spend a few days with us after they left for uni, I snook out at night. Your mum, of course, knew I was sneaking out but she gave me until one in the morning before she and Cris went to pick me up. I ended up throwing up all over your dad's shoes." She laughed harder, and at that point, my anxiety went away, and Cecil's contagious laugh was getting to me.
"What did he say?" I asked her, allowing myself to dwell on the subject.
"As usual, Cris didn't say anything." A smile played on Aunt Cecil's lips as she turned right and we were finally on our street. She was really close to my parents. "Your mum, though, made me buy him new shoes."
Aunt Cecil parked the car in our driveway. The smile remained in place. She didn't make a move to leave, neither did I. This was why I didn't like talking about them. It was too painful. I wasn't like Aunt Cecil who could put aside the pain and focus on happy memories.
I wasn't as strong as granddad who every single time we were in a family gathering had to talk about Mum. Or like grandma who would without fail visit the cemetery every week just to make sure it was kept clean and that Mum's grave had flowers, Dad's too.
I couldn't stand all that.
I made Aunt Cecil move out of the house my parents owned because I couldn't handle the big house. It was filled with memories of them. I made Grandma take Mum's cello, her guitar. The only thing that couldn't go was the grand piano. It was my dad's.
My grandparents told they didn't have enough space. I knew it was a lie. So, the piano just sat there, in our living room collecting dust because I couldn't touch it without thinking about them.
Music to my parents was like a second language, they met through music, they fell in love through music. I loved music, but sometimes it felt like a punishment to listen to certain songs, to certain melodies.
It just hurt too much.
It might have been six years ago but some things just don't stop hurting no matter how much time passes. You get used to the pain, you live with it but it doesn't go away.
The mood was ruined, and I was the first one to get out of the car. I headed straight to my room and I didn't leave until later on at night when Aunt Cecil wanted to go for a walk and forced me to go with her. We were walking down our street when we came face to face with none other than freaking Maddison... again.
That time, though, she was not with Nina. She was with Cassidy Walker. The captain of the softball team.
Cassie was about the same height as Maddison, slightly taller. They were walking side by side, their hands and shoulders slightly touching. It wasn't like there was a sign saying couple following behind them. Still, it was the air around them, the ease on their body language, the look they gave each other... it was obvious.
"That's not the girl she was with this evening," Aunt Cecil whispered, leaning in after we walked past them.
"Really?" I asked her, gasping. Aunt Cecil gave me a look, disapproving of my sarcasm, shaking my head I picked up the pace.
♀
I hated parties.
I didn't know how to dance, I didn't drink, and I didn't like the whole getting touchy with people. It made me feel weird and self-conscious.
So, because of that, I sat at the top of the stairs, watching as people danced. They were all laughing, drinking, having presumably the time of their lives.
It wasn't even 12 and I already wanted to go home.
Lottie was turning 19 and I had already given her a birthday present. I gave her that makeup she had been trying to get but always ended up spending all her savings in other stuff.
I was lost in thought, playing PandaPop on my phone when I heard my name being called over the music. I looked down at the crowd to find Lottie rushing through, a bored-looking Maddison being dragged behind.
I swallowed hard, I should probably tell Lottie, I could even get Aunt Ceci to tell her too, maybe then she'll really believe me. However, when Lottie got to where I was, she dragged me down the stairs, not saying a word.
Lottie dragged us to her dad's office, locking the door behind her. I nervously looked at her, maybe this would be a good time to tell her, the three of us here. If Maddison denies it, I can just call Aunt Ceci and—
"I have a surprise for you," Lottie said. My thoughts vanished and I'm nervous and not because of the Maddison thing.
What did that even mean?
"I invited Sam," My cousin's voice was high-pitched. Her words rang in my ears. Her smile widened and my horror grew.
I knew I should've stayed home.
"Oh my god, no, no, no, I'm going home," I shook my head with horror as I walked or tried to step out of Uncle Rob's office but Lottie quickly grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me back.
"Relax, she wants to see you too," Lottie smiled, wiggling her eyebrows again. I shook my head.
I panicked as I watched Lottie turning around and leaving the room and probably getting Sam.
Sam was... Sam.
Lottie and I met Sam when we were 13, it was the first time I went to my grandparent's summer house without my parents. My aunts and grandparents decided it was a good idea to go for the summer, to spend time with the family and mourn together and whatnot.
All I wanted was to be alone and the only one who understood that was Sam. She was a year older than us. I always thought she was so cool, older and mature. I realised I was gay because of Sam and even though I knew she'd never like me back, I didn't mind dreaming about it.
The air in the room became thick and heavy and fucking uncomfortable. I focused on the door, trying hard to ignore Maddison's stare. Why was she even looking at me?
"I didn't think you'd come." Maddison surprised me by speaking to me. I frowned. "Lottie said you probably wouldn't."
I hummed a reply, scratching my eyebrow and walking past Maddison to try to open the door but Maddison quickly put herself between me and the door.
"Sorry, can't do that," She smiled, I found her quite irritating and we'd only been in the presence of each other for like less than two minutes. "Lottie asked me to not let you leave."
I couldn't stop the snort coming out of my throat, my anxiety slowly fading. "Oh, because you're the best girlfriend ever, right?"
"She's not my girlfriend," Maddison smirked at me, making me roll my eyes. "Also, I wanted to talk to you."
I walked away from her, scoffing as I went. "We have nothing to talk about."
"About what you saw," She said, clearing her throat. I tried to interrupter her but she stopped me. "You're not going to tell anything to anyone, are you?"
"I just might." I turned to face her.
"She won't believe you."
I laugh, "But she'll believe Cecil."
Maddison's smirk falters but it remains and then, she takes a step towards me. "I could make Danny—"
I snort again, shaking my head at her. "Come on, Maddison, do you really think you can make Danny make me do anything?"
Danny was my best friend. Who also happened to be Maddison's best friend. As it happens, when we were growing up, we were all best friends. Maddison, Danny and I.
"You won't tell anyone anything, Asha, I know you." Her eyes harden, getting smaller as she takes me in.
"You don't." It's my turn to smirk. There was the usual air of arrogance around her, she walked around me, looking as if she owned the place. She looked me up and down, gazing me up.
The look on her face made me feel self-cautious, uncomfortable.
"You won't tell anything to Lottie or anyone," She said, so sure of herself and even though I knew Lottie wouldn't believe me, just to prove Maddison she had no say over me, I wanted to but then Maddison took a step towards me, a faint smirk on her lips. "You won't because if you do, I'll tell her about this."
I frowned, wondering what the hell this was but then, Maddison answered my questions by taking one last step towards me, bringing her hands to my face and kissing me.
It completely caught me off guard. Her lips were moving harshly against mine, rough and fast.
When my brain realised what the hell was happening, I pushed her off me.
"Are you insane?" I shouted, frowning at her as I wiped my mouth.
My cheeks were burning furiously. I clenched my fist, looking away from Maddison's stupid smirk. I knew it was dumb and stupid but— whenever I thought about my first kiss, that was not what I thought about.
"If you tell her about it," Maddison walked around me again, stopping only when she's facing me. She pointed at me and then moved her finger between us. "I'll tell her you threw yourself at me. And I think she'll believe me."
I looked away from her, my sight blurry because of my tears. It was true. If she told Lottie, she would most likely hate me. It happened once, over the summer when I told Lottie that Maddison was just going to play her, break her heart and Lottie got so mad at me, she stopped talking to me for weeks.
Maddison's finger lifted up my face so I'd look at her. "Are you crying?"
"Fuck off, Maddison," I muttered, biting my lower lip when the lump in my throat got bigger. "You had no—"
"You keep your mouth shut—"
Before she could carry on, Lottie burst inside the room. Lottie ignored the tension in the room and smiled at us. I looked away, guilty and embarrassed.
"So, Asha, ready?" Lottie wiggled her eyebrows at me, I swallowed hard to get rid of the lump in my throat. My anxiety returning now that, apparently, the girl I had been sort of crushing on was here.
"Lottie—"
"Here's Sam," Lottie's spoke with a smile on her face as a goddess walked inside the little room and closing the door behind her.