I Want To Do Real Bad Things With You
Chapter 23
Jace’s POV
I have no idea why I said that to Drake. I don’t want to be dead, in fact, I hate myself for what I did. It might be true though, Drake could lead a normal and happy life if it wasn’t for me.
“Jace, please promise me you won’t ever do anything to hurt yourself again,” Drake half pleaded as he made his way over to the bed and sat down next to me.
Never, I replied in my mind but I couldn’t get my mouth to say the words. The look on Drake’s face was tortured and it is all my fault. I am slowly killing him, not physically but mentally.
“Jace, please,” he begged. I had to pull myself together.
“I promise,” I managed to say as I reached out and took his hand in mine. This seemed to help him relax and the feel of his hand in mine somehow made it a bit easier for me to breathe.
“Okay, can I clean your wrists now?” he asked and I could tell that he was trying to be brave for me but the look in his eyes gave him away. This whole situation was eating him alive.
“Yeah,” I replied wanting to say no but I had to do it for him. I didn’t want him looking at my wounds, I could still remember the look on his face when he saw them. I will never forget it and I will hate myself forever for doing that to him. I didn’t want him looking at them and touching them. I am afraid it would only make it worse for him but if it can somehow make him feel better, I will let him do it.
Drake slowly turned my hand in his and traced my wound with his eyes. He looked tortured and I had to look away to catch my breath.
“Does it still hurt?” he asked his voice soft and unsure.
“Yeah, but it is getting better,” I answered honestly.
He nodded his head and then lifted his other hand and softly traced his finger over the cut.
It hurt but it felt amazing at the same time. I’ve missed his touch and the way his fingered moved so carefully sent my heart into overdrive.
He sat like that for another minute or so, tracing my wounds before getting the medical kit from the bathroom and joining me back on the bed.
“We should put this on,” I said as I took the cream the doctors gave me and handed it to Drake.
“Okay,” he agreed as he took it from me and started cleaning my wound. It burnt a bit but it didn’t matter. I was entranced by Drake. He worked so carefully and the look on his face was killing me. He looked so nervous as he strapped my wrist, moving the bandage slowly, making sure that it wasn’t too tight as he slipped it over my hand and back around my wrist.
“How does it feel?” he asked when he was done. I wanted to tell him that it felt amazing and that I’ve missed his touch but that would probably sound weird.
“It’s good,” I replied, causing him to smile slightly.
“Now it’s your turn,” I stated, taking his bruised hand in mine. The cuts from the glass of the vending machine had healed but he had opened them up slightly when he hit the wall and there were big blotches of dark blue around his knuckles.
“I’m okay,” Drake stated but I knew he was lying, probably not wanting me to worry.
“It looks bad and if you still want to play football you need to take care of yourself,” I replied.
“Okay, you’re right,” Drake agreed, handing me a clean bandage from the medical kit.
“We should go to the hospital tomorrow so that they can look at it,” I said as I slowly bandaged his hand. The bruises will go away but I was worried that he damaged something on the inside.
“Okay,” Drake agreed again making me feel slightly better.
“So you’ll go?” I questioned, not quite believing him, he is usually so stubborn when it comes to things like that.
“I’ll do anything for you,” he replied, the corner of his mouth turning up into that smile that I love so much.
“Then you won’t argue if I tell you to get some sleep now,” I replied, returning his smile. He looks so tired and I know it’s because of me. He is so worried and I feel incredibly guilty for putting him through all of this.
“Only if you try to get some too,” he replied taking my hand into his bandaged one. I can’t. I want to. I’m tired as hell and I’m struggling to think straight but I can’t.
“I’ll try,” I lied, knowing that it is the only way he would agree.
“Will you sleep with me tonight?” Drake asked, his voice nervous. He is probably worried that I will reject him since I’ve been pushing him away when it came to sleeping. I don’t want to anymore though, I want to be in his arms and since I’m not planning on sleeping I couldn’t help but give into my need for him.
“Yea,” was all I could say but it was enough to bring back the smile to his face.
Drake’s POV
I thought Jace would refuse to sleep with me but to my surprise he agreed, giving me a little bit of hope. I know that he’s been having trouble sleeping so I am hoping that it would help if I held him or at least laid close to him. I had on a pair of comfy jeans and a tee shirt so I didn’t even bother changing, instead I climbed in beneath the sheets and watched as Jace hesitantly did the same.
I am not sure why he is so afraid to sleep with me. I wish he would tell me but I didn’t want to pressure him too much. He’s already opened up to me a lot today and I am thankful for that.
I laid down, watching Jace carefully as he turned to face me. It looked like he wanted to say something but instead he looked away and then turned around, laying with his back to me. My heart ached and I had to remind myself that we were making progress. He was sleeping in our bed with me and I should be thankful for that.
Not one of us spoke again. I didn’t want to keep him awake but refused to sleep. I had to make sure he is okay. I couldn’t tell if he was sleeping though, he seemed oddly at peace as he laid there which made me think that he was awake. I didn’t want to ask though, in case he was sleeping and I woke him.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him so badly but didn’t dare. I miss the feel of his lips on mine and the touch of his hands on my skin but now is not the time for such things, no matter how badly I wanted them.
A long time passed as we laid there but I knew immediately when Jace started falling asleep because he started twitching. I didn’t like it and I had no idea how to make it better. I was still contemplating what to do when Jace jerked up with a loud moan jumped out of the bed.
It all happened so fast and for a moment I couldn’t move as I watched him stumble the few spaces from the bed to the wall. He turned his back to it and laid against it for support, his eyes searching the room as he hyperventilated.
I had no idea what was going on but I knew he needed me so I jumped out of the bed and ran to him.
“Jace… look at me,” I half demanded, half pleaded as his eyes darted around frantically and his breathing grew even more labored. Fuck.
“Jace… look at me, please baby… you need to breath,” I begged as I cupped his face in my hands and stepped closer to him, trying to get him to focus on me. His eyes met mine, looking terrified. I could see the raw panic and absolute fear in them. What the hell is going on with him? Why is he freaking out like this?
“Breath baby, you need to breathe,” I whispered, keeping eye contact and hoping he couldn’t tell how shit scared I am. It looked like it was working since his breathing calmed slightly.
“That’s right, breathe slowly, long deep breathes,” I said, keeping a hold of his face in my hands so that he had to look at me. His breathing slowed and started evening out but the horrified look in his eyes remained as he grabbed a hold of my arms as if to steady himself.
“You’re okay, I’m right here,” I whispered, trying to comfort him. He didn’t say anything, instead he nodded his head and then tried to look away.
“No, look at me,” I demanded softly as I tightened my grip on him. His eyes focused back on mine and I noticed that tears were starting to form, causing them to shine a brighter blue.
“Talk to me please, let me help you,” I half begged. My heart was racing and I was freaking out even though I was trying to stay calm. I needed to know what was going on.
“You… won’t understand…” he stuttered as the tears started rolling down his cheeks.
“Try me,” I stated, refusing to give in.
“I did this to myself. I fucked it all up,” Jace said, his breathing speeding up again, tears running freely now.
“You didn’t fuck anything up. We are both here, we are both okay,” I tried reasoning with him. He needed to relax or he was going to have some sort of breakdown.
“You won’t understand!” he half yelled through the tears as he pulled my hands off of his face. I wasn’t going to let him go so I gently grabbed a hold of his shoulders.
“Then make me, make me understand,” I pleaded.
“Every time I start falling asleep it feels like I’m dying all over again. It’s the worst feeling, I don’t even know how to describe it,” he sobbed, shutting me up. I had no idea what to say but he continued before I could even try to reply.
“I wanted to die, I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore but as the darkness sunk in all I could think about was you. How badly I wanted to kiss you and feel your arms around me. I changed my mind then, I didn’t want to die anymore, but it was too late. My wrists were cut and I could feel myself slipping away,” Jace cried, his hands having moved to grip my arms for support again.
“I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere ever,” I breathed, his words still sinking in.
“I was so scared…” he trailed off.
“I’m so sorry, I should never have…” I started saying but he cut me off.
“It’s not your fault, I did this and now I have to live with it. I feel so guilty. I feel like shit for doing such a stupid thing. I have no idea how to move on from this,” he said, his honesty killing me inside.
“You can move on with me. I’ll help you through this, I promise,” I whispered as I moved my one hand to cup his cheek again and then slowly brushed away a tear.
“Okay but I really need you to do something for me right now,” he replied, his voice still shaky.
“Anything,” I answered honestly.
“Kiss me,” he stated but it sounded more like a question. Did he really think I would refuse him that?
I’ve been dying to feel his lips on mine and to hold him in my arms so I didn’t let him wait on me. Instead I leaned forward slowly and softly pressed my lips to his. They tasted salty from his tears but it felt absolutely amazing. I would give anything to be able to be like this with him forever.
“More…” he breathed against my lips, causing my body to ignite. He needed more and so did I so I gently traced his lips with my tongue, savoring his taste as he granted me entrance. The kiss deepened with a burning need as our mouths moved together. I wanted to be closer to him but I didn’t want to push things too fast, luckily for me Jace had the same idea.
He moved his one hand up my arm and twisted it around my neck while the other reached around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Our bodies melted together as I pushed him back against the wall, wanting to be as close to him as possible.
I could feel Jace shiver under my touch, increasing my need to be close to him. I wasn’t sure how far I should let this go. I didn’t want to stop but I didn’t want to take things to fast if Jace wasn’t ready. I was about to pull away when Jace untangled his arms from around me and moved his hands down my body, gripping a hold of my shirt and pulling it up, we only stopped kissing for the second it took him to pull it off then our lips were on each other again.
I pulled Jace’s body closer to mine again and then slowly turned us around and started pushing him towards the bed as his hands traced down my back and then made their way to the front of my jeans where he undid the button, causing my already racing heart to go into overdrive. Having Jace touch me like this again is more than I could ever have asked for.
I guided him back until we reached the bed and then gently ripped his shirt off, wanting to feel his skin against mine. As soon as it was out of the way our lips were on each other again. Jace was kissing me with so much need and passion that I could hardly think straight, the only thing that mattered is how much I love and need him so I pushed him back onto the bed, moving with him so that our lips didn’t have to part.
I needed to get rid of the rest of his clothes though so I started tracing kisses down his neck and then slowly made my way down to the edge of his pants, making sure to kiss and lick every part of his chest. He tasted so good, I couldn’t get enough.
“Drake,” Jace moaned my name as I softly bit the skin below his navel and then quickly pulled off his pants and boxers at the same time. He was so hard for me, the sight of his naked body causing my own erection to throb. I needed his lips on mine though so without wasting another second I laid down on top of him again and crashed my lips to his. Jace kissed me back as his one hand twisted into my hair and the other one found its way down to my jeans. He started pushing it down so I quickly helped him by tugging it and my boxers off and throwing them to the floor before laying down with him again, positioning myself between his legs.
“I need you so much,” Jace breathed as he wrapped his one arm around my neck and pulled me closer. Our lips crashed against one another as he gripped my hip and pulled my body tightly against his. My erection throbbed against his entrance and when he pulled on my hip again I pushed it in.
A loud moan escaped his throat and I could feel myself losing control. I’ve missed kissing him and touching him like this and being so close to him was overwhelming. I thrust harder and deeper as I took his erection in my hand and started stroking him with the same intensity.
I could feel his body jerking under mine and I knew he was close so I increased the pace, both of us coming undone at the same time. I released into him as he spilled into my hand, our bodies twitching and jerking from the intimacy we shared.
I collapsed onto him, breathing heavily but never losing eye contact.
“Are you okay?” I asked, my breathing heavy and uneven.
“I will be,” he replied, smiling up at me and making me the happiest person alive.
We laid like that for a while before cleaning ourselves and getting back into bed, both of us only wearing our boxers.
“I don’t think I can sleep but you should try to,” Jace whispered as I wrapped my arms around him.
“No way, you need to get some sleep. You can’t stay up forever,” I replied, brushing my fingers through his hair.
“I’m scared,” he whispered against my chest causing my heart to ache.
“I know but you don’t have to be. I’m right here and if it happens again you will be in my arms this time,” I soothed, hoping to convince him.
“Okay and Drake?” he whispered, his voice growing softer.
“Yeah,” I breathed.
“I love you.”
“I love you more,” I replied, pulling him as close to me as humanly possible.