Hangovers and Middle Aged Dad Fights
(This is Long™ and Awful™ im sorry)
Alex's POV
"John? Babe you gotta get up. You have work in like, an hour." I said gently shaking him, and he groaned.
"Fuck. Leave me alone. I feel like shit." I said, then hid under the blanket.
"I know. Here, take this." I said, and handed him an Advil and a glass of water.
He swallowed the Advil and drank the water while glaring at me. "Thanks, asshole."
"Welcome dickhead. Now get up, the turtles and other aquatic life in need of being rehabilitated need you." I said and laughed.
"Can't I just call in sick?" He asked.
"Well, I suggest you wake up before Philip manages to get out of his crib again."
"He's not-" said John, before Philip came running in.
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! I'm hungry! Daddy! Daddy! Make food!" He said, then climbed on the bed and jumped around.
"Dadddddddyyyyy!" He yelled, before John finally got up and picked him up.
"Okay, how about papa makes you some food while I take a shower?" He asked, and Philip gave him a thumbs up.
He handed him over to me. "You've been crawling out of your crib a lot. Maybe it's time for a big boy bed." I said, and he smiled.
"YAY!!!!!"
"Well that's gonna be a long trip to Ikea." Said John grumpily, then walked into the bathroom.
Lafayette's POV
"Hey, Alex? Are you busy right now?" I asked, over the phone.
"Um... Yes? I'm at work? Like any other person at 11 AM on Tuesday?" He asked, annoyed. I probably interrupted him from writing a six page article on the similarities between Trump and a bag of rocks or some shit.
"Look, I have a problem, and it's kind of embarrassing, and I need your advice. You can't tell anyone." I said.
"Okay, I'm telling everybody though if it's really funny." He said, a little happier.
I awkwardly shifted around. Man this is uncomfortable. "Okay fine. You remember how me and Herc went on a 'sexy couples' cruise?"
"Yes, I made fun of you with Angelica about it for like three hours."
"Thanks for that. So anyway, we decided that we would try something new, so we got handcuffs, right? I don't know, I saw it on Cosmopolitan. Quit laughing. And we were going to use them tonight, but I wanted to make sure they worked and were comfortable first. So I put them on, but the keys were laying on the window, so when I tried to maneuver my hands to grab it... it fell... into the ocean."
It was quiet for a solid 30 seconds, before Alex starting laughing his ass off like it was the funniest joke ever.
"Are you kidding me?! Seriously?!"
"Yeah..."
"Why isn't Herc helping you?"
"He's off at some washboard tournament. I told him I'd go to cheer him on but... I can't really leave like this. I called you with my nose."
"Well, call the hotel people and ask them to help you, or google it or something. I don't know! Why'd you even ask me?" He said, getting annoyed, probably because he realized he stopped working for a split second.
"I don't know, you and John are kinky-ish."
"True. Are they the 'Pleasure-Papi-3000's?" He asked.
"I don't know!" I yelled. I was starting to panic, maybe I made these too tight. Are your wrists supposed to be numb?
"Try holding your hands together, then hitting it against your stomach, and then pull your elbows and your wrists as far as possible at the same time."
"Okay, fine. I don't see how this is going to he-" I said, but then the handcuffs immediately fell to the ground as my hands became free.
"How'd you know?!"
"I don't know, we're pretty kinky. I honestly could've told you sooner, but it was way too funny. But I have work to do. Bye!"
"YOU KINKY SON OF A BI-" I yelled, before he hung up.
John's POV
My head was finally not pounding as I sat on the couch, a much needed break after being on my feet all day and helping turtles and old people find starfish or some crap.
Ah, at last. Peace and quiet.
"DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD!" Yelled Philip, running in.
"JOHN! JOHN! JOHN! JOHN!" Yelled Alex, running behind him.
"I got part in daycare spring musico!" He yelled.
"Our son is gonna be the next Leonardo Decaprio! Only he's gonna get like, twice the oscars!"
"That's great! What part are you?"
"Tree #1!" He yelled proudly, then showed me the cast list.
"...Oh! Yay!" I yelled.
"He's the first kid in the one year old room to have a part! Yay!" Yelled Alex.
"Way to make one year old history, Philip." I said.
"Yeah! You're gonna blow us all away!" Yelled Alex, then picked him up to throw him in the air. (Then catch him, thank god.).
"Philip why don't you watch something on TV while I talk with dad?" Asked Alex.
"'KAY!" He said, and walked over to the couch. God. He's as loud as his dad.
"Okay, do you remember... anything from last night? Anything at all?" He asked.
"Uh... I remember eating the weed Jefferson bought because Laf dared me to... Herc passing out... Herc crying on Laf... Me trying to hump you... and then dancing to born this way. That's it." I said.
"Oh." He said, then looked down.
"What? What's wrong? What happened?" I asked. Did I kiss Peggy or something? Ew.
"Oh... nothing." He said, then sighed.
Wait, did he kiss Peggy? Ew!
"No, tell me." I said, and he just shrugged.
"You just... said that you wanted to do something and I didn't know if you meant it or not."
I was about to ask him what it was, but then Philip yelled at us.
"Papa! I'm gonna put this lego in my butt!"
"Uh... no, let's not do that." Said Alex, and he ran over to him.
He quickly picked him up and got into the movie snuggle position, because Finding Dory's on Netflix and Philip loves it.
"Ugh, John, I almost forgot to tell you, they almost gave Philip fucking peanut butter at his daycare again today! If I hadn't walked in and seen him, he could be in anaphylactic shock! Unbelievable!" He yelled.
I sighed. "Baby, its okay. I'm sure they didn't mean to almost murder our child. It was an honest mistake. Leave them alone, stop writing an angry, anonymous, and 5 paragraph Yelp review." I said, pointing to his phone.
"They could've killed him." He said, then angrily scowled at his phone.
"It's okay, baby. He's fine. Look at him." I said, and Philip just stared at the fish on TV.
"Why do I always have to be the one to defend Philip? Why can't you ever get mad? Like for real, get mad for once." He said, and then put his head on my shoulder.
"You're too nice. Stop it." He said, and I laughed.
~2 Weeks Later~
Alex's POV
I hugged Philip while he sniffled.
"I'm scared." He said, and I wiped his tears away.
"It's okay, Philip. You're gonna do great! You memorized your lines, you got this. Aunt Peggy, Eliza, and Angie are here, and so is Uncle Laf and Herc. And... G-Grandpa and Grandma Washington are here too. You're gonna do great." I said, and he smiled.
"Okay, papa. I be the best tree ever!" He yelled.
"Yeah! Make me proud son! We're getting icecream when the show's done, okay?" I asked, and he nodded vigorously.
I hugged him, then went to my seat, walking from backstage, aka the kitchen, since they were preforming in the cafeteria.
The lights went out, and then a little girl dressed like broccoli came on stage.
"Hi there! I'm Broccoli! Today is my first day at Food Elementary. I'm so excited to meet other... uh... like-minded food whom share the same interests as me."
Laf sighed. "This is gonna be a long night." He said, and I slapped his arm.
"I'm... just a little broccoli... in a giant sea, of food. Awaiting for me! I'm... just a small seed, in a garden... what will be my legacy?" The little girl sang, and, she's like, really good for being five.
"Hi there! I'm Tommy the Tomato. I love being healthy, and I see that you're new! Want to be friends?" The little kid asked.
"Of course!" She said, and went with him inside of the school, AKA their teacher brought out a cardboard background that looked like six year olds decorated it to look like a school.
Five (okay-ish) musical numbers later, it was Philip's time to shine.
"I can't believe that Food Elementary is funded by the evil corporation, S.U.G.A.R!" said Broccoli.
"I know! In a world where fruits and veggies are being slowly injected with sugar, who will defend our healthy lifestyle?" asked Tomato.
"Hi! I'm a tree. I produce fruit, and I'm on your side!" Said Philip, and I proudly whispered "That's our kid!" To literally everyone sitting by us while John teared up.
"Hi tree, can you and your friends help us take down the evil S.U.G.A.R?"
"Of course! Let's get those bastards!" Yelled Philip. Well, that was improvised.
They ran back into the school, and kicked some poor kid to the ground in a cupcake costume.
"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! To the blender!" They all shouted. Maybe this was a little too dark for a children's play.
"YAY! We killed him!" Philip shouted.
"Eating healthy is the right way to go, sugary foods are a big no-no!" They all sang, and the curtain faded to black.
Once the show was over and I gossiped to all my friends about the Pear who was picking his nose.
"I'll go get him babe, you can keep eating the free animal crackers." I said to John, and he laughed.
As I walked up some guy glared at me and shoved me in the corner.
"That was a real nice stunt your kid pulled back there."
I raised my eyebrow. "Excuse me?!"
"Yeah, maybe you and your wife should used a condom rather than flooding our country with children with potty mouths like yours." He snapped.
"Maybe my husband and my very much wanted and planned adoptive son, are citizens of this country, and deserve to me here just as much as your racist intolerant ass."
John walked over. "Uh? Is there a problem here?"
"Oh look, the famous faggot. I was just telling your partner here, that it's absolutely ridiculous for people like you," he said, and jabbed his chest. "to come into this country and expect everything handed to you on your shitty illegal and faggot scholarships in your universities-"
"Say that word one more fucking time I swear to fucking god-" I yelled before John put his hand on my shoulder.
"It's absolutely ridiculous for people like you to teach my children obscenities! Why don't you go back to your little special snowflake safe-spaces, okay?" He said, inches away from John's face.
"Get the fuck off him." I spat.
"Ba- Alex, it's okay. Well sir, we clearly have different views, and we should both go congratulate our kids on their great performance, and walk away so that we don't make a scene. Okay? Just walk away and leave both of us alone."
"Okay, hombre. Stay away from me and my kid." He said, then pushed John away. He began to walk backstage.
Finally peace and quiet without any assholes.
"Take your husband and your kid back to Mexico." He quietly muttered.
John spun around. "OKAY, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? IM PRETTY CERTAIN YOU DID NOT JUST FUCKING SAY THAT!" He screamed, and everyone was looking at him.
"Uh...? What are you doing? You were right, let's just walk away."
"NO! I'm not gonna walk away, you can insult me all you want, but if you mess with my kid or my husband I'll break your fucking Trump-supporting, Confederate flag wielding, KKK, middle aged, white-privilege, heterosexual piece of shit SKULL!" He screamed, and the guy punched him in the nose.
He punched him in the mouth, and they got into a full out fight.
"John! Stop! What the fuck!" I yelled, trying to pull him away from the fight.
"Hey what's- oh shit." Said Herc, then ran over to help.
John's POV
"This is not what I meant when I said that you didn't have to be so nice all the time." Alex said, in the Mr. Wizard's Frozen Treats parking lot while Philip ate his icecream and he dabbed the blood off of my nose.
"You can't get into fights like this. Yes I know that's ironic coming from me, but still relevant." He gasped.
"Baby, there's so much blood on your neck!"
"That's the other guy's." I said.
"Oh." He said, relived, but still mad, as he put bandaids on my fingers.
"Why dad hurt?" Asked Philip.
"Because dad's stupid sometimes." He said grumpily.
"Philip, I want you to know that even your dad was kinda stupid, you did a really great job, okay?" I said guiltily.
"I know! I was awesome! I wanna be actor!" He said, jumping up and down.
I snorted. "You do tha- OW!" I yelled as the rubbing alcohol got in a cut above my eyebrow.
"Sorry."
Alex's POV
"Okay, what was the real reason you got into a fight with that asshole?" I asked.
He sighed. "I don't know."
"Yes you do. Stop lying. Just tell me."
"I just- I just- I don't know. I got so mad when he said shit about you and Philip, it just sparked something in me. I went overboard. I just wanna protect you guys, you're my family, and..."
"And what?" I asked, hopeful.
"I was thinking about maybe having a... bigger family? I mean, it's just that Philip is the age where he needs a friend, and the house is so empty some times, and there are so much kids in the system that need homes, and it'll be easier now that we're registered, and I've just been thinking and worrying about it so much..." He said, and looked down.
"John? I want that too."
He looked up. "Really?"
"Of course. That's what I've always wanted. I want a life with you, John." I said, tearing up a little.
"I love you so much." Said John.
"I love you too." I said, then kissed him.
I broke the kiss to breathe. "Let's adopt." I said happily, through tears, then kissed him again.