I feel...
Honestly, I don't really know what I feel.
"We have a son together..."
A son?
"His name is Zayvion."
I keep hearing Promise's confession, over and over, piercing my subconscious, from a place that currently remains unwelcome.
For that moment, it seemed like I was having an out of body experience and I was watching someone else.
Then she referred to me as a scared ass little boy. Why? Because I didn't give her the reaction she'd dreamt up in her mind, as if it should have been all rainbows and candied hearts. I guess if I'd embraced her, pulled her close to whisper my willingness into her ears, that would've gotten her approval.
Bullshit.
I wasn't about to give her that, and wrap myself up in something I don't believe in...
But deep down I know it's true.
I can see it.
That photo, I stare at it, and all I see looking back at me is - ME. That kid is me and that's what fucking bothers me! So essentially, I guess she was right. I am scared. Does that make me any less of a man? Maybe it does.
I'm expected to want to be there, because that's the right thing to do.
What if I don't want to do the right thing?
His eyes, the dark mop of loose curls, the dimples in his cheeks, and the essence of playful mischievousness in his smile...
That picture...
I see it and it makes me reminisce about the lonely child I used to be. I don't want to make excuses, yet I just... don't know what to do. How am I supposed to go about this? I'm lost. With that being made known, comes more questions. It makes me wonder if I should label myself a hypocrite if I decide that I don't want to be apart of his life. I'd be just like my mother - nonexistent.
Do I really want that?
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Again, I don't know...
I can clearly see that little boy for who he is - my son. Even still, there's a part of me that wants to know him now. Then there's the selfish side - the part that wants to stay locked away and pretend I don't know of his existence.
I'm having a battle within myself, fighting who I know I shouldn't be.
But damn,
this is...
LIFE CHANGING.
I'm pissed off, and my anger lies in the fact that she waited so long. Then I realize why she chose to do so... because I'm not Prince Charming, and I don't think I could ever be. I don't fit the mold - family man - but I don't need to be that to take care of mine, right?
Exactly, and if that's true... then why is it bothering me so much?
It irritated me so bad that I accused her of using me. I couldn't even put up a facade that was air tight though, because she saw through it. I tried to appear unmoved, but seeing his face was my undoing.
That did it - broke the dam.
I was unraveling and if I hadn't turned away from her - EXPOSURE - a heart that hasn't beat for anyone or anything in a long time would've been visible.
So...
I said fuck it.
Selfish, I'm all about me...
But now that there's another piece of myself, I don't know if that's what I can continue to be.
-Zayne
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I know it's short, but it's just a glimpse into Zayne's head... I tried to give y'all the impression of scattered thoughts, when your head is all over the place, know what I mean?
Anyway, please vote, comment, & share!
Also thanks for getting this to 1K reads 😳😬😬! I don't know how to act, but know that it's greatly appreciated!
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