"Mommy. I'm so sorry," I softly let leave my lips, as she sits down next to nme on this hard as a rock bed and puts her arm around my shoulder.
"It's alright, Jule. I love you Juliana. That's why I've kept you here."
"It's been five days since I've seen Blaze, mom. It's killing me and all he does is call. Do you know why he hasn't been coming here?" I struggle to get out, suddenly feeling lightheaded.
"Hmm. . ." She hesitates as I look up into her eyes.
"Is there something you aren't telling me?" I rush out, curiousity filling my head, along with confusion too.
"Just tell me, do you think you are ready to be discharged quite yet?" She asks me as I narrow my eyes at her cautiously, biting my bottom lip.
I shrug, "I don't really know, honestly. I mean... I think so. I feel a whole lot happier, more healthy. I've been taking my meds and I don't have any withdrawerl symptoms anymore from the pain killers I was taking."
"So, you feel happy again?" She questions me, hope filling her widened eyes as I sigh.
"Well, not happy. Just better, you know? Better than before."
"I'm terrified you're just telling me this to get yourself out of the hospital..."
I cut her off and shake my head, tightly grabbing her hand. "I'm not. Seriously mom, I promise. I don't feel all chipper and completely back to my old self, but, but I'm getting there. Listen to me," I pause, her slowly nodding in responce.
"Yes?" She breathes out.
"I don't want to die anymore," I carefully whisper, and before I even have time to blink, is when her eyes start to water and she immediately starts crying. "Aw, mom..."
"Sorry," she mutters to me, tears strolling down her cheeks as I feel tears collect in my own eyes as well.
"Come here mom," I quickly tell her, wrapping my arms gently around her as she rests her head against my shoulder. "I am so sorry for putting you through this."
"I already lost your father Jule, please don't make me lose my only daughter too--"
"I already told you I'm getting better. And we'll just take everything day by day, alright? I don't want to die I'm way too young. And I'm in love. And he loves me and I can't end my life when I haven't even lived it yet," I quietly explain to her rubbing her back until she pulls away and gazes into my watered eyes.
"You're back, aren't you?" She asks, her words racing through my mind. "My Juliana is back."
"Yes, I'm back."
"Well that's good, because I'm discharging you today. Pack your stuff, hunny. I'm taking you home," she tells me as I happily grin.
I'm sitting on my bed when my house phone begins ringing, as I stare silently up at the pink ceiling and let my thoughts wonder. But then the ringing stops and I hear my mom telling me to pick it up, so I get back to my feet and walk over to my dresser.
"Hello?" I softly answer.
"Hi baby," Blaze's voice says through the other line, as butterflies race their way into my stomach and I can't help but widely smile. And I look so silly when I stare at my reflection in the mirror.
"Shit I've missed you like crazy."
"Sorry for not visiting you... A lot of stuffs been going down. I should have seen you so I'm sorry about that and I hope you forgive me--"
"Forgive you? Don't worry," I keep on smiling. "I'm not mad. It just made me miss you so much more. So when you do come see me, I hope I don't throw up."
"Why the hell would you throw up?" He asks, laughter in his tone.
"Because you give me butterflies, you idiot. It makes me feel sick."
"Uh, sorry?"
"You're a boy, you clearly wouldn't understand," I joke, us both laughing. His chuckle cracks me up. I missed it a lot.
"I never missed anyone this much before," he suddenly lets out, as I anxiously sit on the end of my bed and cross my legs. And his tone gets deep. "It's sort of fking scaring me."
"It scares me too," I whisper, trying to even out my breathing hearing him inhale a few breaths too.
"Have you still been taking your meds?"
"Yes," I roll my eyes and sigh. "What are you my own personal doctor slash counselor?"
"I'll be anything you want me to be."
"Alright, great. I want you to be a gentleman," I quietly order, hearing him go silent for a few seconds.
"Whats that supposed to mean? Ouch, Julie..."
"Take me out!"
"I've always gone out with you, what are you talking about? We're always chilling together, well before this whole hospital shit happened--"
"On a date, Blaze." And with that being said, he goes perfectly silent. "Blaze I know you're still there."
"A date?" He questions, sounding confused and almost a little nervous, which confuses me.
"Yes, a date," I carefully state, twirling a strand of my hair around my finger. "D-a-t-e. Date."
"I've never done that before," he says, chuckling under his breath after. "F***, that's pretty bad. I'm eighteen and I never took any girl out on a goddamn date before."
"So I'll be your first..."
"Babe," he softly mumbles as I grin, waiting to hear his voice again. "You'll always be my only, and my last."
I giggle and fall onto my back, feeling like a little girl again. "Is that a yes?"
"Want to go on a date with me?"
"Yeah," I rush out, smiling and closing my eyes. "I'd love that."
"Okay, pick you up around six. You have over an hour to get ready, or do whatever the hell girls do before a date, I don't know," he mutters as I sit up and roll my eyes.
"You're so romantic," I sarcastically say hearing him chuckle.
"Peace, my love. See you soon," he tells me, as I smile again and wait until the line goes dead.
I hop in the shower, wondering where Blaze is going to take me. Maybe to a movie or something, I have no clue. And then I let the hot water run its way down my body, massaging against my cold skin covered in goosebumps. I lift my head and let the water run in my mouth through my teeth and then back out of my mouth. I enjoy the rush as it slides down my bare back, and makes my skin tingle from the heat filled sensations.
I squeeze out some shower gel on a washcloth and put it all over my body, covering the skin on my legs as I sit down so I can shave, which I haven't done in a while. I sit my butt on the bathtub floor and grab the razor, about to run it across the hair on my legs until I look down and my eyes lock on the blade. The sharp, pointed, razor, my worst nightmare.
And then I don't hesitate before pulling aside the curtains, and tossing it out of the shower as it fings against the wall. I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself. Not yet... I can't trust myself, because I'm still not all the way better. How am I going to get through this? I can't even take a normal shower without getting flashbacks of the night I almost killed myself. I don't trust myself, I don't trust myself. I keep repeating this phrase in my head until I tightly shut my eyes, but tears still manage to leak out of my eyelids.
"Mom!" I yell, still keeping my eyes closed trying my hardest to stop crying. "MOM!"
"Oh my god, are you alright?!? Juliana?!" I hear my mom shout really loud as I look up and notice her running into the bathroom. "What's wrong?!?! What happened?!? Julia---"
"I need help," I rush out, her slightly frowning before she looks down at the tile and her eyes catch the razor that's laying motionless.
"Help?" She barely lets out as she kneels down and picks it up.
"Yes," I whisper, leaning down and crossing my arms to cover my chest a little more. "Can you shave for me? I mean can you shave my legs? Please?" I practically choke out as she gets on her knees beside the bathtub and slowly shakes her head.
Looking brokenhearted, she manages to get out, "Of course I can..." And then I bite my lip and let out a relieved breath, actually proud of myself for the first time in months. I finally asked for help.
And guess what?
I got it.
Hope you guys liked......? I'll have Blaze's uploaded tmrw! :X