Laughter fills the air, it sounds so magical. I look around the over grown grass watching for any sign of movement.
He uses the grass to his advantage, like a predator stalking his prey. Patiently waiting for that opportune moment to strike.
"Raaaawwwwwwwwrrrr." The sweetest little voice squeals.
"You got me, again!" I frown, faking disappointment. The truth is I love when he finds me, the excitement in his face is worth the world to me. The chuckles that sound to deep for his little body are the best noise I have ever heard.
"Don't worry Momma, we can play again?" He smiles brightly his blue eyes shining with joy. His words are like a dagger to my heart.
I stare at the smiling little boy, he is maybe 4 or 5. His black hair hanging just above his eyes and his grin reveals his two missing front teeth.
"I am sorry Momma, did I make you sad?" He whimpers, his little eyes filling with tears.
"No of course not, but you know I can't be your Mummy. Don't you?" I explain softly, holding back my own tears. How I wish with all my heart I could be his Momma.
"Why?" He asks tilting his head to the side in confusion.
"I can't be anybodies Momma." I whisper afraid my voice will crack. God his sad little face is tearing me apart.
"I wish you were my Momma. You would be a great Momma." He smiles and my heart breaks further. I don't know how to answer so I just give my best fake smile and my biggest hug.
I wish more than anything I could be his Mummy. I would give anything to be his Mummy. But life isn't fair.
"I know! If you wanna we can pretend you're my Momma." He smiles his best smile like he's solved everything. I wish life was that easy.
"That would be nice." I smile a genuine smile back. If this is all I have, I want to enjoy it.
"Lets play again." I laugh as I run away.
We play for a while longer, I hear him crying and shouting for me as I search frantically for the little boy that calls me Momma.
"Momma.." The heart wrenching cry sounds again and I take off running toward him faster than I ever thought possible.
When I find him everything inside me breaks apart. He is wrapped in the arms of a dark haired woman with her back to me.
"It's ok now baby, I've got you." She coos gently, stroking his head that rests on her shoulder.
"I love you Momma."
"I love you more my baby."
I feels as though I am intruding on their moment so I slowly retreat the way I came. Taking one last look at the boy who called me Momma as the tears fall freely. When he disappears with his real Momma the sobs rack my body, stealing my strength. Leaving me alone curled up in the long grass. This time he won't find me though.
********************
I wake up startled, covered in the wetness of my tears and sweat. It's the same dream I have had for the past two weeks since I left the hospital. Every time is more real than the last and every time a little more of me dies along with the little boy that will never call me Momma.