It's just talking to a girl!
That's what I kept telling myself all day. I paced back and forth. I did so in the halls, by the lockers, in the restroom, even during class. I was anxious. I wondered if anyone had ever been this nervous.
She's just a girl. That's what I thought. But I knew she wasn't. She was spreading messages from God's Word. She was spreading peace. She remembered my name. She doesn't seem to mind what people think.
I had more reasons to be nervous. My fingers twitched silly. I kept looking past Amanda and Calum--over to Meredith and her usual girlfriend.
Come on, the day isn't waiting for you, I thought to myself. Just say one simple hi! You've said hi millions of times!
Why can't you say it now?
And I knew exactly why. Amanda and Calum. My parents. Other people. People.
How would they react?
Everyone just seemed to ignore Meredith's notes. Everyone didn't seem to be as interested in God's Word just like I did.
But the peace. The peace I felt reading my first Bible verse shared by Meredith. That very first feeling of peace inside me that I can't seem to find from anything or anyone else.
Who is God?
That was my main question. And I really wanted to know the answer. I really wanted to know more about Him.
Especially when I see Meredith--the smile on her face. Despite everyone's dirty looks on her. Despite everyone's shunning. Despite everyone making fun of her.
She still continues to give people inspirational words from the Bible everyday. She still smiles as if there wasn't a problem in the world. She still says good morning. She still remembers names.
She wasn't just happy. She was joyful.
The question seemed silly, but it built up inside of me, and before I knew it I had the words out: "What's the difference between happiness and joy?"
Amanda stared at me as if I was crazy. "What up with the deep question, Charlie? You suddenly some kind of existentialist or something?"
"What? No," I said. "I was just asking."
"They all seem pretty the same to me," Calum gave me a careless shrug.
I rolled my eyes. I wasn't getting through to any of them.
And so after classes I proceeded to the library. I wanted to know the difference between happiness and joy. I felt somehow they were different, despite what I've heard from people.
Naturally I grabbed a dictionary. But what was in there was just as I've heard from them--happiness and joy were one and the same.
But I didn't believe it. Or more likely someone inside of me didn't.
And so I searched the encyclopedia. The almanac. Books about being happy.
All of them said the same. Happiness and joy were one and the same.
Had I been wrong? Has the stirring feeling inside of me about God fake after all? That it's all just been a feeling and nothing more?
And then, as if on cue, a voice floated just behind me. Just past my ears.
"Hi."
I turned. I almost backed up the shelves.
"Hi, Meredith," I said.
She raised her eyebrows, looked down my hands. "A dictionary?"
"Yeah..." I sheepishly slipped the book into the shelf. "I wanted to know..." I looked at her, "...the difference between happiness and joy."
"Are you asking me for the meaning?" Her eyes suddenly seemed to loom large. She was grinning. The sight was common, though the atmosphere wasn't. I felt nice again. The peace was back, I noticed.
I rubbed the back of my neck. "I guess I am."
"Hmm," she tapped her chin. She looked at me. "Happiness is an emotion and temporary; joy is an attitude of the heart."
I stared at her.
She smiled. "Happiness is a feeling you feel from something you like. Joy is a choice. Like, always looking at the positive side of things."
I boggled. It was as if she had just filled a void inside of me. An empty space had been disturbed, occupied by something... unexplainable.
"How did you know that?" I asked her.
She grinned. "From a book I really love to read!"
"What book is that?" I asked her.
"You have anywhere to go today?"
I shook my head. "Why?"
"Because I want to take you somewhere," she said.
"Right now? This actual Friday where teens are free to roam and have parties?"
She nodded. "I'm going to take you to a different kind of party."
"Where?" I asked.
She spread her arms, she did a little twirl. Her hair swayed with her.
"To the happiest place on earth!" She gushed.
I didn't even know what she was talking about, yet I believed her.
I was about to say yes. I wanted to. I had a feeling. Something, inside me... I didn't know. All I know is I felt that--
"Charlie? Charlie?" I heard Amanda's voice from a afar.
I snapped. What am I doing? Why am I here? Why am I being with this godly girl?
This isn't me, that's what I thought. And so I backed away. I searched for Amanda.
"Charlie?" Meredith asked.
"I'm sorry, Meredith. This... um, I was just asking about... happiness and joy..." I said. "And... I think I have a party to get to..."
She looked so disappointed. I felt so sorry. I didn't like her staring at me that way. And so I looked away. I ran out of there.
Church isn't for me, I thought.