"There's always that one little thing
That makes me turn around
And lead me straight back to you."
-neekalurvesk.tumblr
I sat by the park bench Sunday afternoon, the sun is blasting its strongest heat and I can feel cold sweat dripping down my back. I've been feeling dizzy and most of the time pale, but my Mom said it's probably because my body is adjusting in its new environment and I believed her.
I took out the jar that Stan gave me, I think it would be okay to open one since he already gave it to me. I closed my eyes and picked a star, I opened it carefully I noticed Stan's neat scribble at once. "You always make me want to say the truth. Live, for me."
I smiled, for no definite reason Stan told me that he can't join me today. I noticed his voice is somewhat cold and distant I just brushed the issue aside, maybe his Mom and Dad are grabbing each other's necks again. I made a mental note to ask him. I saw the familiar old man sitting by the bench beside me, he's is bending forward to get the cane that he dropped I stood up and helped him.
"Thank you." He said his voice weak. I imagine my parents as old as he is... I can't. I don't want to.
"Do you still need anything?" I asked.
"No. Thank you miss." He said smiling but he never looked at me.
"Pops!" Came a loud but relieved voice. "Jeez! I told you not to wander off alone!"
"Give me the burger," he answered. His voice eager, like a child.That's when Lorenzo noticed me, he looked at me from head to toe and then finally met my eye.
"Can I help you?"
"She just helped me reach for my cane, thank you dear," said his grandfather out loud, as if his burger is an energy booster. "Can you get me some soda too Lorenzo?" he added cheerfully. I noticed that I've been standing there stupidly and not realizing that it looks like I'm eavesdropping. Without further conversations, I left.
"Hey!" I turned around and saw Lorenzo rushing towards me; he caught up and then stopped to catch his breath. Honestly he didn't really run that far but he is breathing like a mad dog. "Thank you for helping pops, he wander alone sometimes, his eyesight isn't really that good so is his hearing. I'm Lorenzo by the way." He said extending his hands.
"Ann." If you ask me, Lorenzo is the type of guy everyone would die to have. He's tall, handsome and as observed with his grandfather, caring.
"This is my stop," he said pointing at the convenient store. And then he smiled widely, a smile that can warm any girl's heart and make it melt. "By the way." He shouted, I'm already nearing the park gates and he is still standing where I left him.
"You're pretty, but I saw from the other day that you're already taken. I hope you're not yet married. I would love to take a chance." And without waiting for my reply, he rushed in the store. If Stan heard that he'd probably be kicking that guy's handsome face. One time, when Stan and I are walking down the street, some random guy wolf-whistled and the next thing I know he went home with a black eye. When I reached home I noticed that Mom and Dad hasn't arrived yet, I opened the door and heard my brother's voice. He is shouting. I never heard him that mad. I rushed to where the voices are leading and found myself glued at his door.
"Shut the fuck up, asshole! Do you think I'll buy that act?!" I reached for the doorknob to see what's happening when I heard someone reply.
"Dude! I don't have a choice!" a familiar voice replied.
"You always have a choice Stan! I honestly believed that you won't leave her side!" I felt my insides begin to make an unpleasant stir.
"What am I supposed to do?! You know I'm not that type of person James! I have to leave her now or it'll just make things worst!" There's uncertainty in his voice, but I still can't believe what I'm hearing.
"Get the fuck out of sight!!!"
I heard a loud crash and then the door opened Stan came to sight, his nose bleeding. We just stood there, staring at each other. "What do you want me to give you as a birthday gift? I never really had the chance to give you one." I said out of nowhere, I could tell Stan is surprised, I saw James just standing there as if punching Stan in the face isn't enough. No one spoke; we all just stood there, James with his hands clenched, Stan just staring blindly in my eyes while I did the same. Only I don't really know what
Stan is seeing now.
"Freedom." He finally answered.
"Aren't you already free?" My voice showed no fear, no sadness despite what is happening yet I can feel my emotions stirring crazily at the pit of my stomach, only I have too much experience on hiding what I truly feel.
"From you." He answered; his words seem distant and final. He looked away and I swear I saw his eyes glisten for a moment, I didn't speak. I can't find the right words to say, for the first time in my life I don't have some nasty remarks to throw at him.
I wouldn't blame him if he wants to be free from my burdensome life.
"Aren't you going to ask me why?" He said, as if wanting to take everything back.
"I don't think that I have to Stan. Remember this?" I said as I pulled out the glass jar he gave me. "You said that I always make you want to tell the truth, so I'm not going to ask any reasons Stan, because some truth doesn't need to be explained."
"There's no need in reading all that." He said as he tried to reach out and take the jar from me.
I stepped back, his hands still reaching, but I don't really know if he is trying to reach for the jar or me. "I don't have to know the reason why you would want to have your freedom Stan, I think I know why."
"It's not what you're thinking." He said helplessly.
"Maybe it is." I replied quietly.
"They're all lies Ann, everything. All I said are all lies."
I smiled, "I know."
Truth is, I know through all this time Stan only said one lie, he isn't really good at it. And I can see how he tries to avoid my eyes, I see how he fidgets, I can hear how he stutters. Of all the lies that I had encountered this is probably the most visible.
"So why would you still want to read that?"
"Because it's been keeping me alive ever since." I believe him. I believe Stan when he told James that he doesn't have a choice, whatever it is I know he'll soon tell me everything.
He will...Because I believe in him...I believe in his love...And I'll be holding onto it no matter what.