8 - 36, 070 Feet Under and Beyond
"Congratulations!"
NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo
"Thanks. I think I have a picture of her." Jotaro dug into his pockets, fishing out his wallet.
NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo
"She's very pretty." Kakyoin pinches the photo, wrinkling the corner. "And one lucky lady.
Why am I saying these things
"Would you like to meet her?" Jotaro's expression relaxes a little, running a hand through his abyss black locks. "She's American, so we would have to travel pretty far."
Stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop
"I'll see how it goes." Kakyoin forced, forced, a smile to grace his features. He tried so hard to maintain it, it felt like he was trying to make two north pole magnets attract. "Ready to go home?"
"So soon? We have been here for only an hour." Jotaro checked his watch, puzzled. "Oh. Are you unwell?"
"Please. Let's just go." Kakyoin wanted to scream.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME
"Alright." Jotaro doesn't say anything on their way back.
Kakyoin avoided Jotaro the next day. Not because he didn't want to talk to him. Not because he was afraid of hurting him. Not because he was afraid that he might say something wrong in front of him.
But because he needed some time alone, so he could fuck shit up.
It had been many years since he had come back to that particular spot. It was an old abandoned warehouse that was near his parents' house. He would walk through a small forest that was next to his home for about 15 minutes, before reaching a small clearing full of long grass. And in the middle of that huge patch was the crippled old warehouse that slanted to the right and looked like it would collapse with the smallest huff and puff. Kakyoin clenched his fists, and Hierophant emerged from the ground, the shiny green glowed in the buttery light of dawn. Kakyoin walked closer to the warehouse, the long grass tickled him as he walked through. When he was a child, the grass would tower over him, making him feel like an ant, but now, the grass brushed his elbows, earning a whole different view. The small field was very beautiful. It had always been. Kakyoin walks slowly, so that he could memorize every detail, every highlight, every shadow, before its perfection was marred. The wooden door of the warehouse crumbled under Kakyoin's mere touch, the wood so eaten up and hollowed by termites, that it could barely take a simple tap. The sound of disintegrating wood riled Kakyoin up, fueling his bubbling rage. Kakyoin wastes no time in punching the door frame with a readied fist. The wood splinters easily, and Hierophant proceeds to smash holes through the brittle walls. Kakyoin stormed into the warehouse, and grabbed a chair that lay on the ground, flung it across the room with a yell, and shattered a glass window.
As Kakyoin destroyed the warehouse that held many childhood memories, memories of days playing games with Hierophant Green, frolicking in the tall grasses, catching grasshoppers, spotting snakes, he felt himself crying a bit.
Why had he chosen this place to take his anger out on?
Kakyoin asked himself over and over as he wreaked havoc on the slanted warehouse. Kakyoin screamed and shouted, sending Emerald Splash after Emerald Splash, crushing doors and collapsing walls, and soon enough, the whole building crumbled.
"See what you did?" Kakyoin yelled, head pointed skyward. "All because you went and got married! I become destructive! I annihilated what was left of this beautiful place! I can't believe it! It could have been any other rotten building!"
Hierophant Green rested a steady hand on Kakyoin's shoulder, the other stroked back his red hair, as if trying to placate the red head.
Kakyoin would rather kill himself than hurt Jotaro. Would rather stab himself in the eye than say nasty things to Jotaro. Would rather burn his hands off than see Jotaro emotionally hurt. So, Kakyoin goes ahead and destroys something else besides Jotaro.
Kakyoin placed his own hand on top of Hierophant Green's and started to yell again. Tears spilled past his eyelids as he shut his eyes.
Kakyoin was well aware that he was very self-destructive in personality. He knew that there was a line to be drawn when things like this got out of hand, where he would destroy himself to a point of absolute nothingness. And this should be the line.
He had destroyed the little haven from childhood. All those memories crumbled away along with that splintering warehouse.
Something wet lands on his head. Kakyoin looked up to his stand.
Hierophant Green was crying.
Jotaro left after 2 more days. Kakyoin cried still. No matter what, no matter how, Kakyoin would always be torn apart at the departure gates. No matter how angry, no matter how sad, no matter anything. Jotaro waved and smiled, a weightless, somewhat burden-less smile. It made Kakyoin's heart thump. It made his stomach do somersaults. It made his voice lose itself in the back of his throat. It made all his muscles seize up and tense. It made Kakyoin want to cry.
Because that smile wasn't because of him.
It can't ever be, and never will be
It was funny, Kakyoin thought, to be so upright so soon after such a tragedy. It had been a week since he went berserk on the warehouse, and now, he was doing his daily routines just fine. This time, he managed to get out of bed and make it neatly, brush his hair nicely and change into his clothes that looked decent. Kakyoin sat in front of his mirror, concealer in hand.
"There's no point..." He rememebered Jotaro drunkly telling him that. Kakyoin's heart clenched, and concealer splattered onto the mirror.
Kakyoin turned up to work on time, concealer applied and apron freshly ironed. His boss was concerned of his one week absence, and the tired look on his face.
"Oh, just a bout of the flu! I'm better now, so just leave it to me like always!"
Oh, it hurts
The shop always had some jazz or some soothing tune constantly playing. It kept Kakyoin's minds busy while he waited for customers to walk in. He would imagine things based off what the music made him feel, and this particular jazz piece was not helping him relax.
Ocean.
The ocean.
Blue.
Vast and wide.
Waves crash.
The tide rises.
A seagull's cry.
Kakyoin rubbed his eyes.
I want to go home
But where is home?
Kakyoin sat in front of his easel and leaned back into his chair with a huge sigh. A third cup of coffee sat next to him, along with a palette covered in paint of all colors and shades. Kakyoin stared at the fruit of his 6 hour labour. He hadn't slept since he started, and he had worked that day as well. Kakyoin blinked his heavy eyelids, his eyes itching from how dry they were, how tired they were.
'Burning the candle from both ends' would be an understatement. It must have been the fourth night in a row. He hadn't been sleeping well for some reason.
Ha
The man in the painting looked away, the posture almost suggesting the action was out of shyness, timidness. But the person on the canvas was most definitely not a docile deer nor a demure lady.
It was once again, the blue-eyed man.
Kakyoin felt like spitting. He was very frustrated, angry at Jotaro. Furious. Mad. Enraged. Just, so... so...
And yet he continued to paint him like he did in the past - full of longing for the man with the blue eyes and ink black hair.
The lashes were painted long and elegant. The eyebrows arched and bunched slightly. The lips in an angry line. The cheekbones nicely accentuated by his wonderful sideburns. Short inky black hair a muss of tumbling curls and spikes. The neck strong and thick, Adam's apple proudly standing out. The shoulders broad and his upper torso very well muscled, as were his arms.
And the eyes.
Oh, what beautiful eyes they were.
Shimmering oceanic turquoise blue, so full of life, as if the ocean itself were compressed into those irises. Speckles of deeper blue added an interesting feel of thoughtfulness to the expression. The shine in his eyes resembled the twinkling of stars - stardust.
Kakyoin couldn't have made better. After years of painting the same man over and over and over and over and over, Kakyoin was nearing the perfect image of Jotaro. The near perfect painting that would do the real man somewhat justice.
Kakyoin reached out, and touched the face of the blue-eyed man.
"Jotaro..." Kakyoin sighed through his nose, "Why do you do this? Do you really not know what you are doing? Do you know how I feel, now? Are still able to read me? Could you even read me at all? Was this friendship all an illusion? Was all this just out of pity for my miserable self?" Kakyoin hurled his paintbrush to the floor. The wood splinters, and it sends a resounding 'crack' sound throughout the room. The paint that was on the brush splatters, and dirtied Kakyoin's bare feet.
"All I ever wanted, was to have a friend! Can I have none of that? Is it so hard? Is it so difficult?" Kakyoin sobbed, and curled up on the floor. He wanted to wreak havoc. He wanted to destroy something. He wanted to curl his fingers around something and just squeeze. Maybe tears something with his teeth. Bite down so hard, it would tear something to shreds. But Kakyoin was tired. So very tired of everything, to reason properly. Blind rage was all he could manage at the moment.
Hierophant Green unraveled before him, laying down in front of him so it could be face to face with Kakyoin.
At least I have someone
Something
"But then again," Kakyoin accepts Hierophant Green's hand, and tried his best to calm down, "You are only just a part of me. Just something of my mind." Kakyoin gives Hierophant Green a smile that meant nothing.
Hierophant Green's grip loosens. Kakyoin doesn't even give a thought as it shifted closer, desperately trying to cheer him up.
"Even you," Kakyoin whispered, voice small and weak, "Even you, who has been with me all my days of living, won't be there for me in the way I need it. Because you are only me. Just another me! I have nobody. Avdol and Polnareff and Iggy have a life of their own. Holly has a son to fret about. Joseph has a business to run. Yasuho has a friend she cares about more than the world. And what do I have? No one but myself."
Hierophant makes a strange noise. Kakyoin could only assume it was whining.
"You are only a part of me. You can't change things. You can't do anything." Kakyoin screwed his eyes shut, and strangled Hierophant Green's hand, feeling the constricting ache in his own hand as well. "If only God wasn't so cruel to me. I really have lost everything. Jotaro is gone and... I don't know how to carry on like this."
Kakyoin murmured and rambled, him making less and less sense as he talked more and more. Hierophant Green just lay there. It could do nothing.
And it hurt that it couldn't.
The next day, Kakyoin woke up at 6 in the evening. Hierophant was nowhere to be seen and his easel had fallen over. Paint pooled around the fallen tubes of paint and his cup that had held his cold third cup of coffee lay in smithereens on the floor.
Kakyoin just wanted it all to end.
The blue-eyed man stared on.
WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME
USELESS PAINTING
USELESS MAN
STUPID STUPID STUPID
WHAT A JOKE
BLUE-EYED NONSENSE
Kakyoin kicked the painting across the room, creating beautiful chaos as the torn painting basked in the evening glow of the sun. Kakyoin rammed a palette knife through the painting.
If only DIO had just killed me
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
I wouldn't be so miserable
So utterly
Severely
Ignored
Kakyoin burned the painting in the splintered remains of the warehouse. Both the place that held his dreams and the painting of the man that created them burned away in the fire.
But, then again, how could Kakyoin give Jotaro up?
How could he ever?
Kakyoin wailed and sobbed harder than a new born baby in the gently moonlit night. The embers danced as if it was a ritual up and up into the midnight sky.
The action was almost feral. Beast-like, even. Kakyoin ripped his shirt and pants, clawing and clawing and clawing. The frustration eating away at him. Anger nibbling away at the edge of his mind. And yet, sadness and loneliness gently embraced him.
"Fuck you." Kakyoin murmurs past sobs and gasps, "I hate you!"
Of all lies to chose from.
Why this one?
In the distance, a seagull cries.
A wave crashes.
A crab scuttles onto shore.
The world stops turning for no one.
Life goes on, like it or not.
The clock will continue to tick.
The sun will continue to rise and will set.
Lives will be lived.
The world will move on.
With or without you.
"Fair enough."
Kakyoin fell to the ground. Hierophant Green going down along with him, clutching its chest, where a heart should be.
Hysteria. That was what the doctor said it was. Kakyoin had woken up in fresh sheets and in crisp clothes that crinkled with his every move.
"It's fine that you recall nothing of the previous day's events. You are lucky someone had been walking by when you had your panic attack." The doctor shifted his glasses on the bridge of his sloping nose. Kakyoin blinked. "You had been acting violently and recklessly, according to the man who had helped you. But from what I had gathered, it was just hysteria from your panic attack and depression. 'Emotions out of whack', according to the slang of young people these days. I have some meds prescribed to you. Anti-depressants, some other stuff to help with the anxiety. You should be discharged by 5 in the evening. Rest well, Mr Kakyoin." The doctor finally rose from his seat next to Kakyoin, and left.
Anti-depressants
Panic attacks
Hysteria
Emotions out of control
Kakyoin chuckled to himself, wiping tears from his eyes.
Way to go, Jotaro
I don't want to blame you
But look at what you have done
Tell me
Why do you keep on doing this to me
Why
Why
Why
I have been good to you
Have I wronged you severely
Have I disobeyed
Have I done anything wrong at all
Hahaha
I will never know
I never know anything about you
I don't think I know anything about you at all
I thought I understood you the best
I thought I could finally read you
Apparently not the case here
Kakyoin looked at his bandaged hands, and curled his fingers.
"I'm by the sea... By the sea..."
The radio screamed like the dead.
The fluttering curtains like lashing whips.
The click of the fan like a ticking time bomb.
Kakyoin lay in his bed, planning how he should end his troubles.
"Hanging is painless..." he mumbled as his mind wandered.
"This is where I belong..."
The radio screamed like the dead.
Kakyoin shut his eyes and his head bobbed a little to the beat.
"I'm by the sea... By the sea..."