I'm going to see a lawyer who specializes in custody cases this afternoon. I'm not saying that I want custody of Emma, even though that would be ideal, but I don't think that will ever happen. I just want to be able to spend some time with her and get to know her. She is my daughter after all. I am the one who gave birth to her. I named her. I should be able to see her.
I know that I signed my parental rights away so she could get adopted, but I was seventeen and stupid. My parents were so controlling that I had no choice. There was always a plan and getting pregnant at seventeen was not part of the plan. They wanted me to get an abortion and pretend it never happened. There was no way that I was letting that happen. It was my body and my baby. Then they told me that if I was keeping the baby, that I was giving it up for adoption and they wanted the father to help pay hospital bills, but he bolted as soon as I told him I was pregnant. He was a freshman in college so it was easy for him to run. When Emma was born, they had a lawyer there and the paperwork all filled out and all I had to do was sign, so I did and they took Emma. I thought that she was going to go to a loving family, but I was wrong. My parents didn't care where she ended up as long as she was out of the picture. I found out seven or eight years later, from my parents, that she wasn't adopted. I found out she went into foster care. I was livid. I spent a long time trying to find out where she went. A few years later, I saw online that two members of a country music band adopted her. At least she was in a good home. As soon as I saw that, I knew that was my daughter. I started attending the Little Big Town shows hoping that I would see her. Then one day I was on a run and I saw them at the park with her and a baby. I wanted so badly to stop and tell them who I was. Tell Emma who I was. I didn't have the courage to talk to them. At that time, Emma was probably twelve or thirteen.
My parents told me to leave her be. She has a family. But she is still my daughter. If it wasn't for them, forcing me to put her up for adoption, this would have never happened and I would have gotten to keep my baby.
I walked into the lawyer's office and shook his hand and sat down.
"So we are here to discuss the possibility of getting visitation rights of your daughter?" he asked and I nodded.
"I've looked pretty deep into this case. I've looked for every loop hole that there could possibly be, and I found nothing. I'm sorry" he said. I looked down at the ground.
"There is really nothing we could do" I asked with tears starting to form.
"I'm sorry. You signed away your parental rights to Emma the day she was born. As soon as you did she became a ward of the state. She was in foster care for ten years and was adopted by a loving couple. The way I understand their situation is that they are on the wealthier end and have provided her, her own room, bathroom, and just about anything she wants. They have provided her with a private homeschool teacher as well. She also has a little brother. She has a really good life there." The lawyer said.
He's right. I can't do a thing. What judge is going to force a child with two parents and a lot of money and force them to have visitation with a woman who is single who barely has her life together? The only thing really positive in my life is my boyfriend and he doesn't know about Emma yet.
"Is there anything I can do to get some sort of contact with her?" I asked.
"The only thing you can do is to talk to the parents and see if they are willing to set up visits or something" he said.
"Okay. Thank you so much for your help" I said and shook his hand. He walked me out of his office.
"I hope everything works out" he said.
"Thanks, so do I" I said and left. I walked out to my car. The only thing I can do is find their address so that is what I did.
I managed to find their address. Hopefully this is the right one. It's just outside of Brentwood so it's got to be them. Usually people with money live in Brentwood. I got in my car and punched the address in my phone and headed to their house. I pulled up to the front of the house. From what I could see of the house, it was huge. I didn't want to pull in their driveway so I parked on the street. Their gate by the entrance of their driveway was open, so I walked up. This house was gorgeous. There was a beautiful yard and I think I see a pool in the backyard. I wish I lived here. I walked up the three cobblestone steps to the door. I stood there for a second and took a breath before I knocked on the door.
I heard someone come to the door and open it. It was Jimi. He looked pissed.
"I thought I told you to stay away?" He said in an angry whisper. Then I saw Karen take their son upstairs.
"Can I see Emma?" I asked.
"She's not here, and even if she was, I don't think that is a good idea" he said. A few minutes later, I saw Karen walk down the stairs.
"So, I've talked to a lawyer about getting visitation" I started and both of their eyes widened.
"He said that I can't get legal visitation rights since she was adopted" I said slowly.
"That's what ours said too" Jimi said matter-of-factly. Karen made her way over to the door.
"If you know that you can't get anything, why are you here?" Karen asked.
"My lawyer said that the only way I could see my daughter is if I talk to you" I said.
"First of all, she's not you're daughter. And second of all, Emma doesn't want to see you" Jimi with a little anger in his voice.
I heard a car pull in the driveway. I turned around and Emma was climbing out. She had a few shopping bags with her as well. The car drove around the circle in their driveway and left. The woman driving the car looked like Faith Hill. Actually, I'm pretty sure that was Faith Hill. Emma slowly approached the house. She looked a little upset.
"What is she doing here?" Emma asked in a shaky voice.
"I wanted to see you" I said with a smile. Then she started to get tears in her eyes. Why is she so upset with me?
"I don't want you here" She said with tears in her voice. She pushed passed me and ran into the house and Karen followed her. That's a knife to the chest, when your child doesn't want you.
"Emma please just hear me out" I said.
"No, I don't want to hear you out. I don't want anything to do with you. Stop trying to ruin my life!" she yelled. She threw her bags on the floor and ran to Karen. She wrapped her arms around Emma.
"Make her go away" she cried.
"Emma, baby, please.." I said.
"NO! You don't get to call me that. Just because you decide to show up sixteen years later and tell me that you are my mother, doesn't mean you get to call me that! You are not my mom!" She yelled.
"You're right, I'm sorry. Just...Please let me make it up to you" I begged.
"Make it up to me? The fact that I spent the first ten years of my life in five different foster homes. I spent three of those ten years with an abusive alcoholic foster father who barely fed me. They are the ones who saved me from him." she said and pointed at Karen and Jimi.
"I didn't know that" I said shocked. I had no idea it was that bad for her.
"Of course you didn't know because you never cared about me! You threw me to the wolves the day I was born!" she yelled.
"Please make her leave" she cried and ran up the stairs. Then I heard a door slam.
"Listen Sara, we understand that you want to have a relationship with Emma, but we don't think it's a good idea right now" Karen said.
"Can we try and do a visitation? Please?" I begged.
"You have no idea what you are doing to her right now, do you?" Jimi said angrily. That statement kind of surprised me and Jimi saw it in my eyes.
"She is terrified of you!" Jimi raised his voice.
"Terrified of what?" I asked offended.
"She is terrified that you are going to take her away from her family, from the people who love her and take care of her. We have never seen her so scared and afraid before. You showing up has completely turned her world upside down. She has a good life here. We have given her stability, two loving parents, a good home, a little brother who she loves to the moon and back. She is happy here. Don't try and take that away from her. If she wants you in her life, then she will let you in on her terms. Don't force her. She's had enough of that in the past." Karen said and walked upstairs.
"I think you should leave" Jimi said and I nodded and took a step back.
"Please don't come back here again" he said and closed the door.
I turned around and walked down the driveway. They are right. Emma has it so good here. They can give her so much more than I ever could. I mean, Faith Hill just dropped her off, what could get better than that?
I'm not trying to rip her from her family, I just want to see her and get to know her. I've missed so much of her life already. Giving her up for adoption is still one of the biggest regrets I have, but then, I see the life she has here and the regretful feeling goes away a little. I just wish that Jimi and Karen would have found her sooner and she wouldn't have had to go to that abusive home. I wish I could have been her mom. I'm not going to give up in having a relationship with my daughter.