I'm extremely excited. Not only would this be an amazing experience, it would also be a well-needed rest from the constant drama around my relationship with Zayn. Not to mention the good that could come out of it. It feels wrong to leave while things are this rocky between me and Zayn, but our issues would either have to be resolved before I leave or put on hold. Either way, I'm going to LA.
I'm on cloud nine the whole day and the day passes quickly as I'm swamped by clients and paperwork. Before I know I'm with Cate on our way to the apartment. We get home, undress and we start cooking, soon we're sitting on the table, eating.
"Guess what?" I ask her excitedly?
"You finally did the deed with Mr. Hunk?" I give her a blank stare. "You're pregnant. Oh my gosh you are!"
"What the hell is wrong you?" I can't help but laugh. "No to both of those things. Good heavens." She shrugs with a sly smile.
"Okay out with it"
"I'm heading to LA in a few days for research training of some sort." I squeal. She jumps up from the chair, hugging me tightly.
"Aw. Congrats babe. For how long?"
"More or less three weeks."
"I'm so proud of you hun. Did you tell your Parents or Mr. hunk yet?"
"Thank you. No I'll do it after dinner."
"What?" she asks and I realize I was pulling a face.
"I almost told Zayn I loved him." The silence is deafening. She blinks. Twice then looks around the apartment.
"Guys, you can come out now." she screams out and I'm left confused. "Which one is it? Is it Punked?" stupid girl. I give her a blank stare and she realizes I'm actually serious. "Oh my gosh! Are you sure I mean you have never, and I mean never said that to any guy before." I sigh.
"I know." I answer defeated. She looks sympathetically at me.
"Hun are you sure, I mean it's only been about three months since you've known him. I mean you didn't even tell Dan you loved him, and you guys dated like a year."
"I didn't tell him- I almost did. I don't know if I really do or not but it feels like it. I never even thought about it, then suddenly I almost blab it to him."
"Wow. So you're serious about him, aren't you?" honestly I feel so vulnerable. Me admitting to Zayn or myself that I love him, feels like I'm giving him permission to break my heart. It feels like I'm giving him the dagger to cut through my heart and soul if he pleases. It feels like I'm surrendering everything to him. Waiting for the moment he's finally done tearing me apart.
"Just be careful. Don't take this the wrong way but you don't love easily, and for you to have fallen so quickly for him is nothing, if not shocking. Don't rush into things, give yourself and the relationship time to grow first."
"I don't think love him. I thought so. I don't know how I feel. But yeah, thanks hun." I'm over this conversation.
"Okay. When you finally realize or admit to yourself that you do actually love him, I'll be here. Even when you mess up. Don't deprive yourself of love just because of what happened. They wouldn't want to see you this way." I feel tears coming on but I push them away.
"Okay thanks for the chat. I'm heading to bed." I give her a hug and head to my room.
I call my parents and inform them, they're proud and excited and I take the opportunity to catch up with them. We talk about what we've been up to, my mom shares some gossip, my dad complaints about the same things. They haven't changed a bit. I vaguely mention Zayn to them and as always they're a bit skeptical, but like everyone else, I decide to ignore their warnings. We talk for about an hour before I decide to call Zayn.
"Hey Mel." he answers on the second ring.
"Hey, how you doing?"
"Good thanks and you?"
"Good thanks, I have something to tell you..."
"If it's Trevor again, tell him to move to another country before I find him." he says which causes me to laugh.
"No caveman. Nothing like that." he chuckles softly. "It's good news actually." I tell him about going to LA for the research experiment and he sounds truly happy for me.
"Congratulations. I'm so proud if you." My body overflows with warmth from his praise. "For how long will you be gone?"
"More or less, three weeks" he groans.
"So long. I'm going to miss you." He says softly. My heart swells.
"I'll miss you too."
"It's okay, we'll make up for it before you leave." I can almost hear his grin through the phone. "When are you leaving?"
"Monday I think." he's quiet for a while. I check the screen to make sure we're still connected.
"This upcoming Monday?" he confirms as I hum in agreement. "And you're only telling me now?"
"I only found out today myself. It was a last minute thing. Sorry."
"No need to apologize. So, I only have this weekend left with you before I see you again, which could be after a month." It only settles in now that I'd be away from him for so long. It's a depressing thought.
"Yeah I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't so soon." a part of me can't help but be grateful for the timing. "OH good news though, depending on how the research goes, I might have a job offer in LA or my very own practice. Which means I might..." The last few words become extremely slow as it dawns on me. "...move to LA" I continue at an ever slower pace. We're both quiet and I feel stupid.
"Really. That's good." he doesn't sound as happy as he did a few minutes ago." So not only am I not going to see you for almost a month, but you're also moving there permanently."
"No no. the moving is not final yet. I might not move at all." Oh shit. Why don't I think before I talk?
"It feels like you're running away." He says.
"Zayn I don't think this is a conversation we should be having on the phone." I say just to avoid the topic a little more. Cowardly- I know.
"You're right." He says before ending the call. Thinking that's it, I snuggle in my blankets ready to sleep. I'm a bit bothered by the way we ended the call but I decide to leave it for when he's cooled down. A few minutes later the doorbell rings. Who the hell visits at this time? Cate can get it; I think to myself. My phone buzzes and I see a text from Cate.
Not getting the door. Go get it.
Groaning, I make my way to the door. I open the door to find Zayn standing there, looking like the Greek god he is. He's in a blue jean and white t-shirt with an overnight bag hanging from one shoulder. Why the hell does he always look this good? He lifts one eyebrow as he eyes my outfit, which is really just one of my large shirts.
"Do you always open the door wearing nothing?" he asks. Before I can answer him he kisses me on the lips before walking to my room. Okay... I follow him to my room and I close my door. He strips his clothes until he's only wearing boxers.
"Well hello to you too." I say sarcastically as I climb into bed. He follows suit as we both lean against the headboard with our backs. He rubs his face with both his palms and only now do I realize how tired he looks. I lay down and put my head on his lap. His hands instinctively move to my hair. he toys with the strands as he looks around my room, then finally at me.
''So you're running away from me on Monday?" I can't tell if he's joking or being serious.
"You know that's not true. It's a great opportunity and I'd be stupid to let it pass."
"I know it is, and I'm so proud of you, more than you'd ever know. I want you to go, I really do. I just don't want you to move there permanently. It's selfish I know. But we can't end before we even started." He says seriously.
"Who says we're going to end?"
"I'm not one for relationships, much less long distance relationships." He says it in such a way that I start stressing. I know he's telling me that if I do move permanently, we'd be over. It would be either him or the job. I mean I kind of figured the move would be a setback on our relationship, but hell, I didn't want to think that far down the lane.
"I'm being selfish and a douche, I know. But I can't help it." He shrugs and I can tell he's trying to look detached but he's not really getting it right. Not entirely.
"Then I guess I'm selfish too." I sigh, looking into his tired eyes. "I don't want to lose you, even if I do decide to move" he lifts my head so he can lay down beside me. We're facing each other, and our legs are entangled, but other than that.
"We have a lot of things to go through you know. We're far from having this relationship where it should be." He says. "And you leaving in the middle of it is not going to help one bit." he sighs.
"I know. But I'll be back before you know it then we'll have the rest of our lives to get it where it should be." I smile at him and something crosses his eyes. Did I just say of rest of our lives? He ignores my little comment and his eyes become bleak. Not the vibrant eyes I'm used to.
"Until you move." He pulls me close as he whispers. "What will I do for a month without you?"
"Like I said. I'll be back before you know it. I'll miss you."
"Will you?" I nod and he places his hand on my face. "Then don't go there, trying to convince yourself that you don't want this, or that it's not working out between us." I try to speak but he places his finger on my lips, causing me to smile a bit. "I know you want a little break and I understand. But don't lie to you yourself. Don't let doubts dictate you. I want this, I want "us" to work much as you do, if not more."
I'm speechless. How he knew about my little break plan, beats me. I mean is it wrong to want a little distance? Is it wrong to have a few doubts? Maybe this break will be good for us.
"I won't." I say. not entirely sure what I won't do.
"I'll give you this break, while you're away but don't think we're anywhere near over." He tightens his hold on me. "When you come back here after 3 weeks I'll be waiting, as your boyfriend. Understood?" I nod. "But so help me Lord, if I find that you were with someone else. You're mine and if someone as much as touches you, they're dead." He's not joking. I can't help but laugh at how serious he is. He raises an eyebrow.
"Gosh. A little more trust would do."
"I trust you, it's men I don't trust." I roll my eyes at him. "I'm serious. We both know people just happen to kiss you everywhere you go and you're not bothered much by it." I gape at him as I slap his chest.
"You're such an ass. It was once, for like 2 seconds. Which is why I've forgiven him." He nods but says nothing else about it.
"I know you're overwhelmed, so I'll give you these few weeks to take a break. No other guys or some shit. You'll always be mine, no matter what."
"That counts for you too."
"Yes baby. Only you" he replies kissing my cheek.