| August 21 | Monday |
I darted around the apartment frantically searching for my keys. Jesus, why was I like this? Unorganized, scattered, and so irresponsible- Wait there they are!
I found them next to the TV where they most certainly shouldn't have been and made my way to our bedroom.
Megan lied there sleeping and I couldn't help but feel jealous.
"Babe," I said. "I'm leaving for work."
She groaned. "Come see."
I knelt down and brought my face to hers so I could kiss her bye. "Have a good first day back."
Her head nodded but her eyes remained closed.
"I love you," she mumbled.
"I love you too."
Then I bolted out the door.
Now that the semester was starting Megan would soon be busy and I wasn't looking forward to it. Not to mention the whole opening of Jinx 2.
Megan's schedule was a little shorter than mine. She attended classes from eight to eleven, had an hour break, and then work from noon to three. Tuesday's and Thursday's she only worked till two.
I made my way to Buddy's and reflected on what the next few months would bring. It was difficult not to get overwhelmed.
For the next month I would be training with Danna and then training and hiring employees. Jinx 2 would soon become my only full-time job, and letting Buddy know would have to come soon. Yet, even after a year of working here I still hated confrontation.
Instead of dwelling on my anxiety I focused on my job. Change is good, I kept telling myself. It means you're growing.
That's when Buddy joined me in the office.
"Hey kiddo," he greeted while pouring a cup of coffee. "How's Megan? First day back, huh?"
"Yeah, she's great."
Oh he was going to notice there was something up.
"You okay?"
I sighed. Called it.
"Buddy I need to talk to you about something."
Guess confrontation was coming sooner than later.
He sat in the chair across from me and waited.
"So come the end of September I'm gonna be managing a bar that one of my friends is opening," I started. "And once it opens I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep up with the shop."
He folded his hands and gave me a smile. "Sam, I know I'm your boss but I'm also your friend." He leaned forward. "You don't have to be afraid to tell me anything."
"But I may have to quit and I hate the thought of that," I answered.
"It's life," he said. "It's growth. And it's okay. I'll find another secretary. Although, I don't think they'll ever be able to replace you. Hell, Jake might even end up in this office."
I laughed. "He's a better secretary than a mechanic."
"You're probably right."
"But I really love working here, Buddy," I confessed.
He smiled. "Yeah but I'm sure you didn't move here to work at an auto shop for the rest of your life."
"Well no, but-"
"Sam, growth is painful," he stated. "But just because it's painful doesn't mean it's not good."
"That's some sage advice," I teased.
"Yeah well, I've had my fair share of pain and growth."
He gave a chuckle but I could see a hint of sadness behind his eyes. I knew Buddy well after working side-by-side with him for a year. I knew he had a rough childhood, like me, but successfully overcame it. And I knew his wife had left him two years ago, which then resulted in this shop being built. He was the epitome of pain and growth.
"When exactly would your last day be?" he asked.
I snapped out of my thoughts. "September twenty-second is when the bar opens."
"Well thanks for giving me a heads up," he said. "I appreciate it, Sam."
Then the phone rang, pulling us back into reality.
Buddy was right. Growth was painful, and letting go of things you've outgrown was a skill that needed practice. And maybe this job was a stepping stone to get me where I was needed.
* * *
I walked into the front door of Jinx 2 and spotted Danna at the bar looking through some paperwork. This was the first day of training for myself and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous.
"Hey boss," I greeted.
She turned her head. "Hey Sam."
I joined her at the bar. "So what's on the agenda today?"
"Well I was thinking we'd start with learning the computers," she advised. "Then we'll go from there."
I scrunched my brow. "We?"
That's when the front door opened again, indicating it wouldn't be just me and Danna today.
She was young, maybe around Megan's age, and stood poised with confidence. I couldn't help but take in her appearance. Her light brown skin was exposed in the tank top she was wearing as her dark curls spilled over her slim shoulders. Dark brown eyes found us and she gave a warm smile.
"Danna, this place looks great," she expressed.
"Right?" Danna agreed. "Sam, meet your new counterpart."
The new girl's gaze met mine as her hand extended. "Nice to meet you, counterpart. It's Jasmine, but everyone just calls me Jas."
"Sam," I repeated.
"I'm really glad you called me about this," Jas confessed. "You don't know how bad I needed a job."
"You two know each other?" I asked.
"I dated her older brother," Danna stated.
"Yeah, I grew up in Baldwin but I moved here for college," Jas revealed. "I just decided to stay after graduation."
I just took in the information.
"Alright," Danna broke the silence. "Let's get to work."
And so we did. We started off with the computers, which I figured would be the hardest part to learn. Once I could successfully navigate that, everything else would be easy. Or so I assumed.
Plus, Jas and I got along well. I learned she had graduated with a marketing degree and a minor in management from Mizzou. She was a fast learner, and I felt confident that come opening day we would make a great team.
And fortunately after a few hours of training and paperwork Megan walked through the door.
"I brought food," she claimed. "Figured you guys would be hungry."
"Sam, you better marry that girl," Danna joked.
Megan just smiled. "Yeah Sam, better marry me."
"Could we not talk about terrifying subjects," I included. "You'll make me lose my appetite."
Megan shoved me.
"Megan this is Jas," I introduced. "She's the other manager."
They shook hands and I could tell Megan was almost sizing the girl up. I couldn't help but find humor in that.
"So, how was your first day?" I asked.
"Tiring," she answered. "And one of my professors has the most monotone voice... but I'm not complaining."
"You're complaining," I teased.
She pinched me in response.
"How was training?" Megan asked. "Did Sam break anything?"
"Why do you assume I would be the one to break something?" I defended.
Megan looked at me. "Because it happens every time you try something new."
"Not true."
"It's very true."
Danna just laughed. "It went really well. Sam and Jas work really well together."
"Really?" Megan took a sip of her drink. "Sam? Working well with others?"
I just leaned into my girlfriend. "You know I work very well with others."
Danna made a gag noise. "Guys, I'm eating."
Megan just gave me a small smile before we returned to normal conversation.
After we ate Danna decided to wrap up training and let us go since we did so well. Once I got home Megan met me at the door.
"Well, Jas is pretty cute," she said.
"She's okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay."
Megan crossed her arms and smirked. "I got a vibe from her."
"A vibe?"
"Yeah, like a gay vibe."
I couldn't help but laugh. "A gay vibe? You get those?"
"Well yeah." She moved closer to me. "I got one when I met you too."
"Well, I can't say the same," I teased, bringing my face closer to hers.
"Technically, I'm not gay. Maybe that's why."
"Bisexuals still give off vibes, right?"
She shrugged. "I don't know..." Her hand moved up my hip. "Are you getting any vibes right now?"
I raised my brow. "Maybe not those kinds of vibes."
She leaned in and kissed me. I closed my eyes and took her in as my hands cupped her face. Without even realizing a smile crept onto my lips. After a long day this was exactly what I needed. Just Megan.
I pulled away. "Can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"I love coming home to you," I confessed. My cheeks heated up in response.
"I love coming home to you too," she answered.
Being with Megan for over a year now had been a real growing experience. I had to adjust quite a bit and learn how to become more affectionate. Physically and emotionally. Megan had been patient, just like she had promised, and over time our bond had only gotten stronger.
"So I was thinking about what you said at Jinx," Megan started.
"What's that?"
She stepped back. "Does the idea a marriage really terrify you?"
Suddenly I felt bad for saying what I had at the bar. Of course, it wasn't really a lie, but I knew Megan believed in the whole marriage ordeal. I was pretty sure that was a big goal of hers. I, on the other hand, wasn't sure.
"You want me to be honest?" I wondered.
"Of course I do."
"It does," I admitted. "The thought of marriage scares me."
"Why?"
I took a deep breath. "I don't really know. Or maybe I do. I've never thought about the 'why', I just know how it makes me feel."
Megan took my hand and led me to our bedroom. "Well, I'd like to know why."
I smirked. "Are you gonna try to persuade me?"
"No," she said. "I just want to know."
I smiled to myself as I joined her in bed. She sat cross-legged in front of me and waited in anticipation.
"I guess one problem I have with it is the fact that one person usually ends up giving up part of their identity," I admitted. "I think that's absurd."
She nodded. "That's understandable."
"And why do I need a piece of paper to prove my love to someone?" I complained. "I don't know, it just seems so... governmental."
"So you're just thinking about the technicalities," Megan included.
"What do you mean?"
She shrugged. "The small picture of marriage."
"Well what's the big picture?"
"The privilege of calling you my wife," Megan stated. "Or the benefits marriage would have on raising a child."
"Raising a child?"
She just laughed. "Calm down. I'm not talking about right now. I'm just saying maybe one day."
"One day... in like, ten years?"
"Keep in mind that I'm almost twenty-five and ten years sounds really long."
"Okay why are we talking about kids?" I complained. "I thought the discussion was about marriage."
"You're right," Megan assessed. "Sorry."
I moved closer to her. "I just wanna know what's so wrong with two people living happily together without a certificate to prove it."
"Well some people like to look past the certificate."
"Do you want a ring?" I asked. "Is that what this is about?"
Megan released a sigh. "It's not about a ring, Sam."
Then she got up from the bed, leaving me in confusion.
"Megan," I called.
"I'm gonna get ready for bed," she finished. "I'm exhausted."
I realized the discussion about marriage was over, at least for now. But had I upset her? She had asked me to be honest, and I was, so why was she acting like this?
I stood and joined her in the bathroom. "Are you mad at me?"
"I'm not mad at you, Sam," she answered.
I decided to no longer press about her changed behavior. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her even more. But she couldn't expect me to change my mind on something after one conversation. Marriage was a big deal.
I just wrapped my arms about her waist and kissed her head. "I love you."
She gave me a small smile. "I love you too."
And that was that.
* * *
After the conversation with Megan Monday night I tried not to think myself to death, but failed.
Part of that was because Megan's mood had been different, and when I asked her about it she blamed it on school. I didn't want to believe she was lying, but I knew it wasn't the entire truth.
So the week proceeded with me training after work with Danna and Jas while Megan finished out her first week back in school.
It wasn't until Friday afternoon that Danna had to courage to ask me what was going on.
"Are you okay?" Danna asked. "I feel like you've been down all week."
I shook my head. "It's just Megan."
"You two had a fight?"
"If you even wanna call it that," I admitted. "I mean, she brings up marriage, right – which is fine. And she asks me to be honest, so of course I am. And I plead my case about why I'm not into it and next thing you know the conversation's over and she's acting funny all week."
Danna just raised her brow at my outburst.
"Sorry," I apologized. "It's just been bothering me since Monday."
"What did you tell her?" she asked.
I shrugged. "That I don't need a piece of paper to prove my love."
"And?"
"And that I don't believe in the whole 'I'll take your last name' thing."
Danna nodded. "And then you probably said something that pissed her off right after, right?"
"Well if I did I don't know what it was."
"No clue?"
"Not one."
Danna just tilted her head.
"Okay I may have asked her if this was about getting a ring," I confessed.
This caused her to laugh. "Oh God Sam."
"What?! It was a valid question," I defended.
I mean it was, wasn't it?
"It's obviously not about a ring," Danna included. "It's just how Megan's been raised. Marriage has its pros and cons, just like anything in life."
"I think the cons outweigh the pros."
"Of course you do."
"What do I do to make it better when I don't know what I did wrong?" I asked.
"Sam," Danna started. "Two years ago you were a completely different person, and look where you are now. People change. People grow. You're a walking example."
"So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying two years ago you would've never even thought about having a relationship," she said. "And look where you are now."
She had a valid point. And even though I had never thought about marriage seriously, I knew that could change over time.
"Thanks." I faced her. "Girls are weird."
"Not all of them." She took a sip from her drink. "My ex-girlfriend would talk about marriage constantly, and I was like you. The difference now is that you love Megan, like, a lot. It almost makes me sick-"
"Get to the point," I demanded.
"Like I was saying; you love her. I didn't love my ex like you love Megan. That's the difference."
I pondered with the new information and thought about the conversation I planned on having with my girlfriend once I got home.
Danna was right. And the more I thought about it the more I realized there was no doubt in my mind that I loved Megan. And not even the thought of marrying her could scare me away.
That had to count for something right?
* * *
I exited my car with the few groceries I had picked up on my way home from the bar. The drive home had allowed me to reflect on the conversation Danna and I had and I felt ready to tackle the problem.
I opened the door and walked in. Megan was sitting in the living room watching TV. She glanced back when I emerged behind her.
"Hey," I greeted. "I got you something."
I revealed the pint of ice cream. Mocha Fudge was her favorite, and when I expected excitement I got the complete opposite.
"What did you do?" she asked.
I scoffed as I sat next to her. "Nothing? I just know you've had a hard week."
Her ocean eyes studied me as she accepted the ice cream and spoon. "Well then thank you."
"Can we talk?" I wondered.
She set the ice cream down. "You did do something. Did you break the coffee machine again?"
"What? No. Megan I wanna talk about the conversation we had Monday."
This got her to focus.
"Oh," she mumbled. "Well, we don't have to. I know where you stand and-"
I cupped her mouth. "Will you let me talk, please?"
She fell silent and I removed my hand from her mouth.
I sighed. "I know I upset you the other night, but in my defense you kind of put me on the spot."
"I'm-"
"Let me finish," I interrupted.
She fell silent again.
"Yes, I'm terrified of getting married," I revealed. "But two years ago I was terrified to even admit my feelings for you. And then I was terrified to commit. And terrified to move in with you..."
I watched her expression soften.
"Do you see where I'm going with this?" I asked with a smile.
"No," she teased. "Elaborate."
I playfully rolled my eyes. "What I'm saying is – people grow. And even when I was once terrified of all those things, I still did them. You just have to give me time to make those jumps."
By now her smile was from ear to ear and I knew things would be okay. Not that I had doubted that, but sometimes things got rocky, but we always learned to navigate.
"Thank you," Megan finished. "And I'm sorry I put you on the spot."
I leaned in close to her face. "Don't be sorry."
I captured her lips with mine and her hands held my face. The sensation of growth touched me, letting me know I had successfully taken another step.
I broke the kiss. "Now gimme a bite of your ice cream."
"One bite," she joked.
"Hey, I bought it for you."
"For me? Or for you?"
I smirked. "What's mine is yours."
This got her to blush. "Fine, we can share."
"For someone who wants to get married you sure have a hard time doing that."
"Not true."
"Megan," I stated. "The only thing you truly like to share with me is your opinion."
An exuberant laugh escaped her lips which caused me to do the same.
"I hate you," she lied.
"No you don't."
She took a spoonful of her ice cream and held it to my lips. I smiled as I ate the first bite.
"You're right. I love you."
I leaned in and kissed her again.
"You better."