Chapter Forty-Four
I don't know how long Dani and I have been sitting on the floor in the bathroom, but her sobs eventually turn into whimpers and have now subsided. I'm not sure if she is asleep, but I don't want to check because she is quiet right now. I know we can't stay here all night and I need to call my dad back to let him know everything is ok.
After a few minutes, I whisper, “Dani?”
She jumps and I pause from running my fingers through her hair.
“Baby, you need to get up. You can't be comfortable here. Do you feel strong enough to shower?”
Her voice is hoarse as she whispers, “I think so, sir.”
“Ok. I think you should shower while I make something to eat. I'm sure you're hungry now. You'll feel a little better after a shower.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth I mentally slap myself. How is a shower going to make everything seem better? All it's going to do is make her feel less grimy. Sometimes I'm such an idiot.
I hear her whisper, “It's ok, Eli. I understand what you meant.”
“Good. What do you want to eat? I have my momma's leftovers if you want some.”
“Yes sir. Thank you.”
“Ok, good. I'll go fix something. Just shout if you need me, ok?”
“Yes sir.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End of Eli's POV
After Eli leaves the bathroom, I manage to stand up. I'm still a bit groggy and clumsy, but I manage to gather myself enough to grab some clothes and get into the shower. While the hot water turns my skin red, I try to wash away the last few days. Heck, I try to wash away the last 14 years of my life. I know it's not going to work, but you can't blame a girl for trying. While showering doesn't change my mental or emotional state, it does make me feel a little bit better. It helps to wake me up and makes me feel less sweaty and sticky.
As I enter the kitchen, I hear Eli on the phone.
“No, it's ok. We're ok, dad. At least I think we are.... I'll talk to Dani later and see what she says.... Yeah, I'll call later on.”
He hangs up just as I walk through the doorway and he shoots me a smile.
“How you doing?”
“Ok.”
“Do you need anything?”
“No sir.”
“My pops says you need to eat and drink. He says you'll be dehydrated from being asleep for so long. I'm supposed to make you drink some water before you eat, but I'll just give you his advice and let you do what you want with it.”
He doesn't want to seem like he's forcing me to do something. I stare at the ground as I whisper, “I'm sorry...”
“Sorry? What for?”
“For behaving the way I did. For making you worry.”
“Oh sweetheart, you don't need to apologize. Yes, I was worried, but I can't even imagine how you were feeling. I was or am worried because I don't know what to do to make it better. I don't know how to fix this and for that I really am sorry.”
“It's not your fault.”
“I should have been there. I should have protected you. I should have done something... I'm sorry it happened, Dani. I really am so sorry you had to go through that...”
“Please, I don't want to talk about this.”
“Ok, ok. Sorry. My ma made chilli.”
He places the plate on the breakfast bar in front of me, and I jump as the it slides toward me. I try to cover my discomfort up by asking, “Is your dad ok?”
“Yes, well kind of. He's worried about us. Mainly you though. He wants to check on you. It's the doctor in him I guess.”
“I'm ok.”
“Babe, I love that you're trying to be ok, but I know you're not. It's ok to not be ok, you know that, don't you? No one is going to judge you for being upset or scared or whatever. In fact, I'd be worried if you weren't any of those things. What I don't want you to do, is to bottle it up again. That's not going to help you. I know you're probably not ready now, but when you are, I'm here to listen. Ok?”
“Yes sir. Thank you.”
We eat silently for a little while and I suddenly feel the need to say something. I drop my fork and pick at my fingernails as I whisper, “I dreamt about my parents...”
“Good or bad dreams?”
“Both. The good memories make the bad ones seem worse...”
“But you don't just want bad memories of them. You need the good ones to counterbalance. You don't only want to remember the bad, sweetheart. I think you have enough of that to carry already.”
“It just hurts... His face... Eli, it was awful...”
“I can only imagine. How old were you?”
“10.”
He lets out a deep breath and whispers, “You're so brave and strong. I don't know how you do it.”
“Do what?”
“Carry on... I know you said before, one foot in front of the other, a day at a time. But it amazes me that you're standing so strong still.”
I scoff at that. I am the complete opposite of strong.
“You're stronger than you realize. Despite everything, you're trying to have a better life; you're trying to make something of yourself. That is a strength none of us can rival.”
Then he sheepishly says, “You were thinking out loud again.”
We both jump when there's a knock on the door. Eli jumps up and grabs his gun, knowing that we're not expecting any visitors. He checks the peephole before he sighs and holsters his gun. He whispers, “It's my dad. I told him I'd call later.”
“It's ok. He's worried.”
I see Eli's eyebrows furrow in confusion before he opens the door. I think he's trying to figure out what's going on with me. Usually I'd be freaking out by now. To be honest, I don't actually know why I'm not panicking. I don't think my body or brain can process much more at the moment and maybe that's why I feel like I'm in a daze. Eli opens the door and I hear him and Don share a greeting. I'm too busy staring at my fingers to watch the interaction take place, but I feel them move further into the kitchen so I back away from them.
I hear the smile in Don's voice as he says, “Hey Dani. It's good to see you're awake. How are you doing?”
“Ok, sir. Thank you.”
“I just needed to check for myself that you were ok. Elijah wasn't very forthcoming with information.”
“Sorry about that, sir. I'm ok.”
“Did the medication help, even a little bit?”
I shrug, not really knowing how to answer that. I had a lot of nightmares, intense ones too, so I don't know what to think about the medication.
Eli speaks up, “Dad, give it a rest. Just let Dani get her head together a bit, huh?”
I see Don quickly turn to face Eli, as he almost tells him off. “Elijah Ramirez, not everyone is out to harass this poor young girl. I'm trying to help her and you. So, unless you have suddenly sprouted a doctorate, please just let me do my job.”
My eyes go wide and I'm both embarrassed and shocked at what Don has just said. It may not have been said in the harshest of tones, but there was certainly feeling behind the words. If I was Eli right now, I would be extremely chastised at the words of his father. Except I'm not Eli, and he isn't me, which is why his response is completely the opposite of mine and he laughs. Yes, that's right, he laughs at his dad telling him off. How does he even get away with that? My poppa probably would have given me one of his famous looks, the one that stops you in your tracks. But then again, I was 10 years old when my poppa last told me off, not 30 years old. Maybe the relationship with your parents changes as you grow up. I guess I'll never know now.
I see Don's feet come closer to me, I must have zoned out again. His movement shocks me and I stand up and back off so quickly that the stool falls and I nearly trip over it in my haste to move backwards.
“Sorry Dani, you zoned out for a minute there. I'll back up a bit. I apologize.”
He backs up, but continues to talk. “I'd like to ask you a few questions, if I may. Would you be ok with that?”
I see Eli move closer to me and this is where I take stock of the situation I am in. There are two men in my apartment, one walking towards me and the other blocking the front door. This shouldn't make much difference, seeing as I don't even know where I'd go if I did escape through the front door. The breath hitches in the back of my throat as I struggle to filter through the panic that has just risen in me. I faintly hear Eli's voice saying, “Dani, it's ok. You're ok. I'm not going to let anything happen to you, I swear.... Just try to relax. I promise you I'm going to take care of you...”
I see his gun slide towards me on the breakfast bar and I snatch it up quickly. I point it in the general vicinity of the two guys with shaky hands and I can vaguely hear Eli's voice trying to filter through the fog that is inside my head. I start counting but that isn't working so well. I do the only thing that my brain can think to do in this situation and I recite the periodic table in as many languages as I can. When I manage to calm down, the room is deathly silent. I am extremely embarrassed and I mumble an apology before putting Eli's gun back onto the breakfast bar.
“Baby? You ok now?”
“Sorry. Just had a moment. I apologize.”
“No need to apologize my dear. I should have remembered about getting too close. Eli did tell me. I'm sorry I upset you. Have you had anything to eat and drink?”
“Yes sir.”
Eli shoots his dad a look and says, “Hardly anything, dad.”
“How about you grab your dinner and sit on the couch, Dani? I'll stay over here while you eat. If you don't mind, I would like to ask you some questions though. Is that ok with you?”
I can't really say no, can I? I just nod and wait for him to back off before I grab my plate. As I sit down, I see Eli set a glass of water on the coffee table. I hazard a look at him and find him watching me closely. He shoots me a smile and whispers, “It's ok, baby. Just eat your dinner. I'll keep him talking so you can finish your food.”
Eli shuffles back to the kitchen and I hear his dad whisper, “Was that the periodic table in all those languages?”
“Probably.”
“How many languages does Dani speak?”
“Last count? 6, I think. I caught English, Russian and Spanish. I didn't catch the others.”
“Wow. She really is special, huh?”
“You have no idea. Dad, just be careful with her, please. She's not as ok as she's making out. I just don't want you to break the quiet that she has at the moment.”
“I'll be as careful as I can, but I need to make sure she's ok medically. She had a heavy dosage of sedation and Lorazepam and I need to ensure there's no affects from the medication.”
Don hesitates before mentioning the word medication, like he's wondering what he should call it. He can just say drugs, I'm not going to be offended or any more disgusted with myself. I don't think I can get more disgusted with myself to be honest. I'm battling with the need and the want to have more drugs. I just want to turn my brain off for a little while. I contemplate this as I eat, so when I hear Don call my name I jump and nearly choke on a mouthful of food.
“Sorry. I didn't mean to make you jump... Is it ok if I ask you some questions now, Dani?”
I nod slightly, knowing I can't say no. Even if they told me I could, I don't think I would be brave enough.
“How do you feel? Physically, I mean? Any dizziness, nausea?”
“Not really, sir.”
“Do you still feel groggy? Like you're in a daze a little bit?”
“Yes sir.”
He nods, and I see him purse his lips together. I don't know if that's because I still feel groggy or if it's because of his next question.
“Did you have nightmares, Dani?”
My eyes go wide and I swear my heart skips a couple beats. Wow, he really didn't beat around the bush with that one, did he? I'm shocked he'd just blurt it out like that.
He clarifies, “I don't need or want to know what they were. I just need to know if the Lorazepam was effective, even in the slightest. I take it by your reaction, you did have nightmares. Were they worse than usual?”
I shrug. I realize I'm not going to get out of this without at least giving him some kind of answer, so I whisper, “I don't know, sir... Usually I wake up... But I couldn't...”
“Yes, I understand that. I'm sorry about that, really I am. I'd like to try something if you'll allow me to do so. I'd like to try giving you Lorazepam on its own for a few weeks, just to see if that makes a difference with the nightmares, the memories and the panic attacks. If that doesn't work, I'd like to try to Fluphenazine for a few weeks to see if that works better for you. It isn't likely that you'll get addicted to these two drugs. I don't think there have been any recorded cases of addiction so far on a short term usage. I just want to see if this can help you a little bit. What do you think?”
I'm stunned. He's voluntarily going to give me drugs? Just like that? I want the drugs. I want my brain to stop. I so desperately want the drugs and I hate myself for that. I hate that I can't cope without them. I hate that I'm even considering this option. I don't want to go back to the way things were when I was an addicted mess. I don't want to even think about the things I did to feed my disgusting habit. But on the flip side, I want my brain to stop and even the slightest hope of that is appealing to me. That, however, is a slippery slope for me. I know I'll get addicted to that feeling of numbness. Surely I can deal with that later, right? I need to do this if I want a shot at recovering, don't I? If I have any hope of leading a 'normal' life I need to at least turn these thoughts down.
I think the two guys read my silence as my reluctance to take the drugs. In actual fact, it's the fact that I want to take them that's causing me the most turmoil.
Eli appears by my side, making me jump and spill my food on the couch. I gasp and fly away from him, cowering, expecting a beating. But it doesn't come. I hear him sigh and whisper, “I'm not going to hurt you, sweetheart. I'm sorry I scared you. I just came over here to talk to you. Dad, can you give us a minute please?”
“Sure. I'll go make some coffee.”
“Thanks. Dani has cinnamon tea.”
“No problem.”
After Don has left, Eli whispers, “What's going on in your head, Dani? What are you thinking?”
I take a deep breath and try to explain it to him. “I'm scared Eli. I want my brain to stop, really I do. But I know I'm going to get addicted to that feeling. What am I supposed to do?”
“You want my honest opinion?”
“Yes sir.”
Not that I trust any man (or any person for that matter) to give me their honest opinion, but I can just pretend I believe it.
“I think you should try it. At least for a few weeks. It might really help. But if you do feel like you're craving that numb feeling too much, then we'll cut back on the medication and see what happens then. It's a trial and error thing, I suppose. I'll keep a close eye on you and I'm sure my dad will as well. He really wants to help you, baby. I know you think we're just brushing off your concerns, but I promise you we're not. We just think this is the only option for right now. We don't know what else to do to help, so this is the only viable option we can see at the moment. Maybe things will change in a week or two, but right now this is all we've got. I also know that you don't really know if I'm telling you the truth... I saw the look pass through your eyes and no, you didn't say that out loud. You've stopped doing that now...”
He frowns at that last sentence and I think he sees the confusion on my face because he continues, “I like knowing what you're thinking and not having to guess from your expression or body language.”
Before I know what I'm doing I blurt out, “You're usually right anyways...”
I quickly cover my mouth, not believing I just admitted that. Eli chuckles, shoots me a wink and says, “Good to know. Thanks.”
He chuckles again at what I'm sure is my bewildered expression and then he turns serious as he asks, “So, what do you want me to tell my dad? Will you try the Lorazepam?
I think about it for a few seconds before whispering, “Ok.”
A/N: Ok, so the next couple of chapters will probably be at the same pace, because I need to set some things up. After that, I'm hoping to move it forward a bit.
I think I got all the typo's but I've been awake for far too long and I might have missed a couple. I apologize if I have :(
Have an awesome day guys! You all rock!! :)