Justin
I drew another angry slash on the calendar hanging on my wall. It was the middle of the second week of school. 38 weeks left.
Every day was pretty much a bad day but then there were those few that were just worse. Today had been just as shitty as normal.
I usually sat in the back of every classroom, took notes and pretended like I wasn't there. Teachers usually ignored me like everyone else. But my Calculus teacher decided to make me his pet project this year and prove exactly what an asshole he could be.
He thought she was doing me a favor by calling on me to answer a question, a question he knew no one in the room could figure out, and I could hear the snickering. I could feel the stares and the glares and all of the smirks thrown in my direction.
I had...anger issues. Sometimes, they were so bad that I could barely control myself. Like something inside me snapped and I turned into someone else. The spectrum ranged from angry to blind rage. I'd grown accustomed to suppressing it, especially in public, but I still had my moments.
I ate a silent dinner with my uncle. He often tried to make conversation but finally gave up. I blamed him for my pitiful lack of a social life. I wanted nothing more than to disappear the second I turned eighteen but I felt guilty wanting to just leave. Richard raised me and I doubted I could function on my own.
"The anniversary is coming up." I was doing the dishes when Richard came up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder.
I shrugged the hand off. "Is it?"
He sighed, "Justin...."
I dropped the glass in my hand into the sink. I dried my hands on the dish rag and turned around. "I'm going to bed."
My walls were bare and white, as were my sheets. It reminded me so much of an asylum. I stripped out of my clothes and jumped into bed.
Sleep was my favorite thing. For just a few hours, I got a break from it all.
I walked to school every day, even when it was raining. I had my license, I'd taken drivers ed my sophomore year. But Richard wouldn't buy me a car, even though we had enough money for one. I knew of a shortcut through the woods and the world would have to end before I ever took the school bus.
It rained over night and was drizzling as I carefully made my way through the soggy leaves, my socks getting wet through the same sneakers I'd worn since middle school. My hair was soaked through my hood and my backpack was weighing me down as it got soaked too.
This should have been a sign: Turn back, shitty day ahead.
I threw my locker door open and hung my bag on the rack. Shuffling through my papers, I growled; the ink on every single page of my homework ran together in a stream of nothing. I closed my eyes, taking a few breathes through my nose.
People started coming in as it got closer to the first bell. I kept my eyes trained on the inside of my locker. I couldn't escape to the library until it opened in ten minutes.
In the corner of my eye, I saw Ana come up to her locker. My chest ached as I saw her take her books out with a grave look on her face, like she was trying not to look at me either.
She stopped trying to get my attention by the end of last week. By Monday, she was one of them. I just wanted her to understand that I was doing this out of her best interest. They would make her life hell and I didn't want her to know what it was like to regret waking up each and every morning. I didn't deserve someone like her in my life anyway.
"Hey." Emily came up next to Ana, handing her a coffee. "Are you coming to the game tomorrow?"
"Yeah, my parents are being so annoying about it. They're taking my little brother to see Lisa's mom for the weekend but I'll be there."
"Well there's a party at Marcus' after the game so you have to come because basically everyone's going."
At this point, two other girls came up to talk to them and I decided to leave before the guys came and started with me. I kept my head down as I walked past them and slipped up the stairs.
It was a normally bad day. I didn't say a word as I went from class to class. It was eighth period Calculus when it turned into one of those days.
Of course I had to have that class with Ana, Emily, Bobby and the rest of the blockheads. I was surprised they even made it this far in their high school careers.
Making my way down the row to my seat, someone threw their bag out in my way. They called out an "oops" and I managed to stop myself from falling but I still stumbled.
I kicked the backpack aside, ignoring everyone and sitting in my seat. Mr. Locke came around to check homework, stopping at my desk with a huge grin when he saw my mess of a homework assignment.
"So," He said loudly, moving out of the way so everyone could witness. "What's the excuse?"
I stayed silent.
"Come on, Justin, it must be great. Let's all hear it."
I clenched my teeth. "There is no excuse."
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you."
I felt my cheeks get red. My whole body was shaking and I could feel my eyes well up, something that only happened when I got mad. I didn't realize I was clutching my pencil so hard until it snapped under my fingers.
"There is no excuse." I spit out. "Or are you blind and can't see that it got wet?"
The entire class "oohed" and Locke raised his eyebrows. "Look here kid-" He said, slamming his hands down onto my desk.
Before he could get another word in, I jumped up and sent my chair flying backward. I got straight in his face, jaw clenched and hands set in firm fists at my side. I was holding on by a string right now and was only seconds from snapping.
"I think you'd better leave." Locke said, I could see a bit of fear in his eyes. "Now."
I grabbed my bag and my books, briskly walking through the row of desks to the door. The whole class watched, amused, except for one. Ana was among them.
Good, I thought, let her watch.
I slammed the door hard enough to tear off the hinges. I ducked underneath the staircase to catch my breath. I slammed my head back against the wall. They were gonna call Richard and I knew how angry he was gonna be.
I rubbed at my forehead, readjusting myself and walking down to the detention room.
They finally let me out at four, a half hour after school let out. I walked down to my locker before I went home. Ana was standing at her own with one of her friends.
Ana looked up when she saw me. "I'll see you tonight okay?" She said to her friend. The girl nodded, glancing at me before turning in the other direction.
I audibly sighed. It was Friday, I just wanted to go home and forget this afternoon ever happened. Maybe sleep until Monday morning. Or never wake up again. I threw my books into my locker.
"Are you okay?" Ana asked quietly, not looking up from her phone.
"Fine." I said in a hard voice. If she wouldn't look at me, I wouldn't look at her.
"I don't believe you." She said.
I ran my tongue over my teeth, slamming my locker door shut. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Me?" She asked incredulously.
"You don't even like these people, you told me so yourself."
"What else am I supposed to do Justin? You've ignored me like I don't even exist for the last month. You have like five different personalities." She replied. "It's like I know nothing about you. I know nothing about your childhood. And then your meltdown earlier. You're not anything I thought you were. I'm having fun, which is what senior year is about. I'm not giving up my social life just because you're not allowed to have one."
It stung, I couldn't lie. "I'm not fucking asking you to." I slammed my locker too hard. "Get over yourself."
I watched her shake her head and walk away, leaving me alone in the hall. I groaned, slapping my palm against the locker door.
I wondered what would happen if I purposely got lost in the woods. After a while, I wouldn't be able to feel anything, even my body as I froze to death.
They would say I was just like my mom.
There was no worse feeling than lying in bed, in dead silence. It was when your mind was the most alive and it just reminded you how alone you were.
Ana
I knew nothing about football, so when the game was over, I was relieved. We all piled into Chrissy's car and drove to Marcus' house.
The weekend was the time to forget your worries and that's exactly what I planned to do.
"Hey," Bobby said quietly in my ear, leaning his arm on the wall above me. "I'm not planning on drinking tonight so if you want me to give you a ride home later on..."
"What about Emily?" I raised an eyebrow.
Bobby shrugged, throwing his head back behind him. Emily was up against the kitchen counter, in a completely in-depth conversation with some junior.
I rolled my eyes, smirking. "A ride would be great." I said, placing a hand on his arm. He beamed back at me, taking a step closer.
I wasn't a big drinker so three was my limit. I could feel my buzz, like losing a bit of control. Somehow, when the music started, I got pressed up against Bobby who grabbed my hips and pulled me to the music.
"Don't tell Emily." He whispered and I nodded, continuing what we had going. I closed my eyes, pretending that I was a cheerleader or some cliché shit like that. I pretended that Bobby was my boyfriend and we did normal high school things like going to normal high school parties.
I pretended that I didn't have the biggest crush on the town psychopath.
But I wasn't letting myself roam that far. I still knew who Bobby and Emily and Brooke and all of them were. I knew how judgmental they were and I knew that they were only convenient. I needed a place to sit during lunch for the remainder of the year.
Near two, I was beginning to sober up and become tired. Bobby walked me to his car, intertwining our fingers on the way. I gave him a fake smile, realizing that I stupidly lead him on the whole night. I didn't like him. I didn't want this. How could I be so stupid?
"So what's the deal with Emily?" I asked. Stupid late night remixes played on the radio quietly in the background. "Your girlfriend?"
"Forget her. I don't even think she's my girlfriend anymore. I know how many guys she fucks with behind my back." Bobby shook his head. "I've been with her for so long; it gets old quick, y'know?"
The thing was, I didn't know. I never had a real boyfriend before so I didn't know how these things worked. I just know that if it ever got to a point where the person I was with didn't respect me or make me happy, I'd end it.
We were quiet the rest of the way. Bobby pulled up to my empty house, opened my car door and walked me to my porch. It seemed sweet.
And then things took a negative turn.
"So thanks for the ride." I inched towards my door as Bobby moved in closer.
"Anytime." His smile looked like he was aiming for warm but ended up with creepy. "I mean, really, any time."
"Okay, good night." I squeaked, turning to unlock the door.
"Wait," Bobby grabbed me before I could turn, planting a wet, gross kiss on my lips. I pushed him back, releasing a noise that was close to a yelp. He took this to be a good response because he didn't give up. Instead, he came back charging.
"Bobby, enough." I pushed him away again but he didn't budge.
"Your parents aren't home." He pointed out, voice husky with want.
"Get off." I whimpered.
"I know you want this, Ana. You're just like Emily; a fucking tease. You were perfectly fine when you were dancing for me back at the party. I want you to show me how bad you can really be." He gripped my hips hard enough to bruise. His eyes were nothing but determined and I whimpered again. I took a deep breath, trying to ease my mind and erase the panic so I could think clearly and get out of this.
"I believe she said to get off."
I sighed in relief. Justin stood at the bottom of the stairs, arms crossed, and the same angry look in his eye he had yesterday.
Bobby let out a laugh. "Are you fucking serious? We're fine here, Bieber. It's past your bedtime."
"You have three seconds to take your hands off of her," Justin muttered, fists forming on the sides of his body. "Or you'll regret it."
Bobby looked between Justin and me before letting me go. Justin didn't let up. "Now leave. Before I kill you."
The threat sent chills through my body. I leaned back against my front door, watching Bobby glare at both of us and get into car, peeling down the street.
I watched Justin after Bobby left. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked, rubbing at my wrists.
Justin scoffed. "I think I just saved you from being raped."
I sighed shakily. "Thank you." I noticed he still looked weird. "Justin, I'm fine. He didn't touch me; I wasn't going to let him. Okay?"
"You weren't going to let him? You couldn't even stop him."
I looked down at my feet. "Do you want to come in?"
He nodded, following my lead. I poured two glasses of water, sliding one to Justin's side of the kitchen counter. We sat in completely silence until Justin opened his mouth again.
"When I was eight, I woke up and it was really quiet. It was unusual since my mom was always singing or blasting music. She never liked me staying in bed too late. My uncle was always gone so it was always just mom and I." He let out a laugh. "It's funny because even when we were living with him, I barely knew him. Barely saw him."
Justin's eyes were staring at nothing. "There was so much blood. That's how they found me; I was covered in it, lying across her on the floor. And then they tried to take her body away to the stretcher and that's when I lost it. They put a mask on me and then I was on a stretcher too. To this day, I still don't even know why she did it."
"You don't have to talk about it." I whispered.
"I'm not okay, Ana." His voice was hoarse. "I've never felt like I belong. I've never felt alive. I walk around every single day, feeling dead and empty inside. I don't know how to feel anymore and that terrifies me."
"Let me help you," I replied, sliding forward in my seat. "I want to help you."
He looked up at me. "What if I can't be helped?"
I pressed my lips to his and tried to communicate just how much I was feeling through that one kiss. He hesitated, moving slowly like it was all he wanted but nothing he could have. He didn't need permission to have me; I was his from the start.
We broke apart, both of our breaths shallow. I ran a hand through his hair and pulled his forehead against mine. "You belong here, with me."
*
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