"Because I'm in love with you"
You see, I hadn't said the words out loud. They were at the tip of my tongue and if my mouth worked a second faster than my brain, I would've said it. I'm shocked and beyond freaked out.
I hadn't planned on saying that any time soon. You see as unbelievable as it sounds- I have never told any boyfriend of mine that I loved them. I have never fallen in love with anyone. There might have been a time when I thought I was close to falling in love with an ex- but I just never had it in me to fall in love. I value the term, it's beyond strong and meaningful, and If I had said it before, I would've lied.
The mere thought that I almost blurted it out to a guy I only met a few months ago, and it almost happened while we were arguing, on the verge of breaking up. Not quite how I thought it would be.
We're both silent. Do I even love him? Hell, I haven't even confessed that to my myself yet, but yet I almost said it. I wish I could take back the thought, but I can't. He's looking at me but all signs of anger and frustrations are gone, his facial expression is crossed between weary and a little defeated?
I take a good look at him and I realize that I do love him, wholeheartedly. He's everything I'd ever want and more. I've only met him a few months ago but as I look into his beautiful face, I can't imagine my life without him. I feel as though the word 'love' does not describe how I truly feel. It feels as though my heart is about to burst. He's perfect, and my heart tells me that I could never want another man as much as I want him, as much as I need him, maybe that's why he's the first guy I've ever loved.
My palms grow sweaty as the silence lingers between us and I can tell he's struggling to come up with words. My heart sinks as I realize that I can't tell him, he might not feel the same. In fact, I doubt he does. I start to doubt my own feelings. Do I really love him? is this what it feels like? I'm overwhelmed and emotional and I just want this day over with so that I can return to my warm and welcoming bed.
"I'm all in Zayn. I don't want to lose you." Is what I settle for as I fasten the seatbelt. He opens his mouth but closes it soon after. I push the urge to cry out of frustration for my own unresolved feelings. as I stare out to the window and the revelation starts weighing on me. Isn't love supposed to feel better than this, free? But somehow I have a feeling of wanting to hide my feelings, keep them where no one can find them. Where no one can ruin them.
"Good. I don't want to lose you either." I doubt his words have the same meaning as mine.
I know that it may be too soon to be exchanging the 'L' word and I can't blame him for not feeling the same. Yes, I'm disappointed but I realize that we don't choose when we fall in love. It just happens and when we do it's great. I just wish the timing was better. When we weren't on the verge of giving up.
I want to punch him for making me feel this way so soon but then I want to kiss him because of how I feel. It's frustrating. As we sit here in somewhat awkward silence, I can't help but fall deeper. It hits me like a ton of bricks and the urge to cry resurfaces but once again, I push it down. I feel vulnerable.
"I mean it, can we go now?" he's still staring at me so I lean over to kiss his cheek, reassuring him that everything's fine.
"Baby." He says huskily. He grabs my neck, stopping me from moving away as he kisses me deeply, the kiss is slow and he takes his time stroking my tongue with his. He groans as he pulls back. His eyes are dark with an emotion I can't describe. "Let's go before we're late." He takes my hand as he starts to drive.
The drive is completely silent, except for the soft music playing in the background. It's good to be silent because it gives me time to think about everything that happened today. It's a lot to take in but I pull myself together as we arrive at an Italian restaurant.
Its cozy and warm but beautifully decorated. In gold and blacks. We arrive at the hostess and she immediately recognizes Zayn. She smiles then looks at out intertwined hands, her smile doesn't fade or falter as she leads us to where Zayn's parents are waiting. Zayn holds my hand tighter as though he can tell I'm getting more anxious with every step we take. We reach the table and his parents both stand up to greet us. His mom smiles at me as she gives me a tight hug, his dad follows with a swift hug and we all get seated, me and Zayn across his parents.
"Why Melony this is a surprise. Zayn didn't tell us who his new girlfriend was. It's good to see you again." she gives Zayn a look and he has the grace to look sheepish. Huh.
"It's nice to see you again too, Mrs. Malik." Zayn grabs my hand under the table and he squeezes, calming me down.
"Oh nonsense, call me Trisha." she smiles and it looks genuine enough to put me at ease.
Maybe this won't be so bad after all.
We fall into an easy conversation while we eat. They ask about my life back in SA and where I grew up, they ask about my family- I answer this shortly since I don't want to get into that. They ask about my education my career then we get to the tricky part. They ask about my religion and beliefs but thankfully that conversation dies quickly. As we wait for our desert, Zayn and his dad decide to go smoke a bit, leaving me and Trisha alone at the table.
"So why were you hiding your relationship from us the first time we met?" she asks as soon as we're alone. She's asking out of curiosity, more than anything else. I clear my throat.
"Uh I guess Zayn wanted a little more time?' I say as she smiles.
"And you just had to go with what he said." She shakes her head playfully. "Oh the things we do for the men we love" she laughs softly and I almost choke on my own spit. What! "Darling I know love when I see it. You can hardly keep your eyes or hands of each other. It makes me so happy that Zayn has let go and fallen in love again." She says sadly.
Again?
I almost laugh. he doesn't love me. I'm about to ask her what she means when Zayn's phone rings and I realize he left it on the table. I excuse myself to go give to him in case it's important. I think about tonight and I smile. It went better than I thought actually. A smile makes its way to my face as I hear Zayn and his dads voice.
"I like her son. I really do. She's an amazing young woman." There's a pause and my feet stop in their tracks. "But she's not the girl for you and you know it. I'm doing this for both your sakes, stop fooling around with her. You're too different, and it can only get more complicated." I can't see their faces, but right now I'm not sure I want to.
"Dad, our differences shouldn't matter." He sounds defeated.
"I know son but some lines aren't meant to be crossed." I wait for Zayn to defend our relationship, but of course he doesn't. "You understand what I'm trying to say, right son?" I stand frozen, waiting for Zayn to reply, the phone already forgotten in my hand.
"Yeah. I do." The phone breaks me out of my trance as it starts ringing again. I'm sure they can hear it now. I put on a fake smile as I enter the smoking area and they both turn to look at me. I can hardly look them in the eye as I hand Zayn his phone.
"It was ringing and I thought it might be important." I say holding out my hand. He takes the phone but he narrows his eyes at me. I quickly return to table and pretend like nothing happened. Soon we're done and ready to leave. We say our goodbyes and Zayn and Yasser share a brief look. With the goodbyes done, we all head to our separate cars.
"Why are you so quiet?" Zayn asks as we enter the car. He rests his hand on my thigh as he starts the car.
"No reason." I manage to say without my voice cracking. He sighs, concentrating on the road ahead.
"Do I always have to beg you to tell me things?" he says with an edge. I only become more agitated. I want to get away from him as soon as possible. "Are you sleeping over tonight?" he asks out of the blue. I don't think I could be near him any longer without breaking down.
"No. I want to go home please." He eyes me but and I can tell he's in a bad mood. Was it his dad or is he just getting ready to "stop fooling around" with me? Either way I'm exhausted and I want to go to sleep and forget all about this day.
"Mel just tell me what's wrong." He says a little softer now.
"Nothing." I say just as soft.
"Then why were your eyes glossy?" he sounds concerned now. It doesn't warm my heart like it usually does.
"It was the smoke." I obviously lie. The smoke was basically non-existent.
"Fuck Mel" he hisses. "Why do you do this?" he pulls up on the side of the road. Great more time in this car with him. "I'm trying but you keep pushing me away." he's clearly upset now. "just tell me what the fuck is going on"
Honestly all I can hear is him telling his dad. "yeah. I do." Repeatedly. Is he just fooling around with me until he meets someone else? Because I won't survive it. I think I'm already in love with him, and I don't want to lose him but if it means protecting my heart in the long run, then I guess I'll have to. I have never felt this way about anyone. Not even my boyfriend, whom I dated for one year. He never heard me say the words I love you, yet Zayn got it right to make me fall for him in a few months, only to "Fool around" with me. I won't humiliate myself like this.
I'll get over it. I'll get over him.
Right?