Harry wakes up and almost rolls over when he feels Alice in his arms. He takes in a deep breath and presses his head to hers, her hair tickling his nose.
"Alice," he whispers.
He waits for a second as she stirs, and then settles.
"Alice."
She raises two fists to her eyes and rubs them. "Hm?" She mumbles, trying as best she can to face Harry.
"I didn't have any nightmares tonight."
Alice smiles with one side of her lips. "That's wonderful. Do you know why?"
"Because now I know Louis is gone."
Alice freezes. The words strike some kind of nerve and she quickly pushes herself up, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "That's... not good."
Harry sits up as well, climbing off the bed and going around to Alice's clothes drawers. "Yes it is. If I know he'll never come back to me he'll never talk to me and I'll never remember him."
Alice jumps up and slams the drawer that Harry was about to open shut. "Don't open that," she hisses, shoving him out of the bedroom by his waist. "And he misses you. He was worried last night."
"Only worried because he wouldn't have me as his friend anymore," Harry smiles as the door is shut on him.
Alice rolls her eyes as she hears him thumping down to the kitchen. She checks the time; 10:15. It's too late to bother getting ready for classes, and obviously Harry is not in the right state of mind. She's not about to leave him alone, half insane, after her chase last night.
She changes into a red sweater with white Christmas-style designs across the chest and part of the arms, although it's not anywhere near the season; then she decides on black leggings and throws her hair up into a ponytail, too distraught on Harry to bother making it neat.
Moving into the bathroom, her makeup is done in minutes; lightly-winged eyeliner she completes perfectly after years of practice, glossy pale pink lips and cover up on the few pimples of her forehead.
She skips into the kitchen and is handed a cup of tea. She takes a sip and automatically spits it back into the cup.
"Did you forget the damn sweetener?!" She coughs, grabbing two packets for herself and ripping them open.
Harry leans back on the counter, one hand supporting his weight, the other holding his cup. He shrugs. "I don't like it sweet. Going to classes?"
"Nope. Neither are you, after what you pulled yesterday."
"Ah," Harry says, holding the cup up to his lips. "You don't trust me."
"I do too!" Alice scoffs, stirring her tea and looking over at Harry in disbelief. "I just don't want to lose you."
Harry sighs. "You're not. I'll go put on some decent clothes."
"Good," Alice smirks. "You running around in boxers with too many tattoos- including that ugly butterfly-" she flicks the middle of his stomach and his hand swoops up to protect it, "is turning me on."
Harry moves out of her reach and leaves the kitchen, his head thrown back in a half-laugh. "Of course, now, we can't forget the underwear-on-the-couch incident!"
"Shut up!"
A smile comes to Alice's lips as Harry laughs; the same laugh she remembers seeing in the X Factor videos and when they first met. The laugh she'd only seen him with before he started writing the letters.
She goes to retrieve her phone from her bedroom, and only seconds after turning it on, Louis is calling.
She looks around the room once, setting down her tea on a nightstand and answering the call cautiously. "Hello?"
"Uh... hi."
"Louis?" Alice asks, although she already knows the answer. He knows she knows too, and doesn't even bother with an answer.
"Is Harry okay?"
Alice raises a set of her nails to her face and plays with the edges as she talks. "He's alright. He's actually... really happy."
"He is?" Louis asks, sounding hurt. Louis sits up a little straighter, making sure the phone doesn't fall from between his shoulder and his ear as he bottle feeds Holly.
"He says it's because he knows you're gone."
Louis is silent for a moment, looking down at Holly's closed eyes and eyelashes that fall on her cheeks. He feels his heart surge. "...Gone?"
"Yes."
"Oh," Louis murmurs. "But I'm not... can I talk to him?"
Alice looks up from her nails to the wall. "I don't think that's a good idea."
Louis sighs. "Please? I just want to hear his voice."
"Why do you care?"
"Because... he had me worried sick and crying all night. I just want to know he's alright."
"How will you know? You've hurt him so much. You said it yourself. That he's different. That he's not what you remembered," Alice says protectively. She picks up her tea and tries to listen to Louis' response, half of her hearing directed to noises signaling Harry.
"But I'll always know if he's okay or not. I can see right through him. God, why are you so cold now? Last night you were begging for my help and now you're fucking turning on me."
"Like you did to Harry."
The line is silent as Louis tries to come up with something that will take down her somewhat well-played comeback.
He finally decides to accept it and says with a soft, broken voice, "Please just let me talk to him."
Alice considers it for a moment and then rolls her eyes. "Let me go find him. You should've just called him."
"You would have snatched his phone so fast I wouldn't even be able to take a breath to say hi."
She chuckles quietly before pushing open Harry's bedroom door a little. "Someone's on the phone for you," she says.
Harry's tugging on jeans, his shirt pulled up to reveal the bottom half of his stomach tattoo. "Who?" he grunts, sticking his belt between his teeth and waddling over to Alice like a penguin with his hand out for the phone. Although he looks ridiculously stupid, not being able to move his leg a foot apart, the belt between his teeth and his messy hair makes Alice stutter. "Uh.. just take it."
Harry raises a brow, but takes the phone anyway and holds it up to his ear. "Hello?"
"Uh... hi Harry."
Harry's eyes widen and he looks over at Alice desperately. She shuts her eyes and tucks her lips in, as if to say 'give it a chance,' and slips out of the room, shutting the door behind her.
Harry removes the belt from his lips and drops it to the floor, standing with his jeans halfway down his thighs. "Louis?" he croaks.
"Yeah."
"What... why?"
"Harry..." Louis starts. He looks down at Holly once more, who has pleasantly fell asleep in his arms, and stands up to put her in her crib. He sucks in a breath and thinks of Harry's small voice. He's broken.
"Harry..." he starts again. "Last night... why?"
Harry grumbles and moves his hands to his pants, pinning the phone between his shoulder and his ear. He struggles with his jeans again as he talks. "Why the hell would you think? It's all fucking you."
"Please don't get mad at me."
"Mad at you?!" Harry spits. "Says the boy who's madly in love with a girl while telling his boyfriend he doesn't love him anymore, says the boy who loved Eleanor enough to have a child! How's that child? What's his name?"
"Her," Louis coughs, "name is Holly. Goddammit Harry! I don't want to argue. Please."
Harry sighs as he buttons his jeans. The tone of Louis' voice is almost pleading. "Fine," he murmurs. "I heard you were worried about me last night."
"I was. Harry, please don't-"
"Don't lie to me," Harry spits. "Don't you dare lie to me. You don't miss me for shit."
"I... if you don't want to talk to me please just hand the phone back."
Harry doesn't hesitate to stomp out of his room without a word, finds Alice, and shoves the phone to her. She takes it back and watches as Harry stomps back into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him and making the floor rumble.
"I told you," Alice mumbles into the speaker before ending the call.
~
A MONTH LATER
The call was the last time Harry spoke about Louis. He went to classes, never answered questions in them, and shut himself in his room the rest of the night.
Of course, Alice wasn't liking it. One Wednesday she cracked open his door to have it shut in her face, and she sunk to the floor and tried to hold a conversation through the door. He didn't like it. It ended with him coming out and screaming.
Then, he started to come out of his room. "It got stuffy," he complained. "It got boring." And he instead sat in the bench-window and watched the people and rain outside. That's all it did sometimes; rain. He liked it.
Alice liked it better too; she got to see him, even though holding a conversation with him was almost impossible. The only words he said were "yes," "no," "can you make me tea?" "okay," and "stop."
Sometimes the songs of Louis' album rang through the dorm when Alice got home. He'd be crying on the couch, biting the tip of a pillow, trying to hide it when Alice came up to him.
It was one of those days where it was raining and Harry sat in the bench-window, his forehead against the glass, fingers tracing the rain droplets.
Alice does homework in the kitchen quietly, before pushing herself up and walking out into the living room.
Harry's head turns as she takes a seat opposite him in the window. She leans her head against the window, listening to Sweet Disposition coming out of the speakers.
"What?" Harry whispers.
"Nothing," Alice whispers back, closing her eyes. She begins humming the melody of the song and then opens her eyes again.
Harry stares back at her.
Alice stands back up, swaying. "Don't be such a downer," she says gently. "Dance."
She takes his hands and unfolds them from each other, instead twisting her own fingers with his. She pulls him up to his feet, and he obeys as she starts shaking her hips. "Dance!" She teases again.
Harry feels a smile tug at his lips, and he lets it. He bobs his head up and down, moving his hips a little, shaking their arms.
"Good enough," Alice laughs. She lets go of his hands and then dances like a maniac, getting a laugh out of Harry. "Dance more like... this!"
Harry sighs and shakes his head around, the pair dancing and laughing like idiots together until the song comes to an end.
Autumn Leaves begins to play, and Alice pants. "No..." she starts. "This song is slow."
She walks over to Harry and slips her arms around his back, locking her hands so she can hold herself out from him. He does the same, looking down at her and laughing.
Alice blushes and looks down at their feet, stepping on Harry's toes. "Dance!" she whispers.
Harry begins waddling back and forth, his feet under Alice's. They laugh a little as they hover. Alice lets go of Harry's back and crosses her arms across her chest. Harry stops and looks down at Alice. She stares back at him as his eyebrows furrow.
His tilts his chin down, his lips parting a little. Alice feels her heart skip a beat, and her head stretches upward.
Harry's eyes close as Alice feels his breath hit her lips. Then, it's his lips that hit hers. She feels her eyes gently close, and she stands up on her tiptoes, although she's already standing on Harry's feet.
The kiss is light and gentle, and lingers when Alice pulls away.
Harry's eyes open carefully, and he lets go of her. "I shouldn't have done that," he whispers. "I'm sorry."
He turns and runs into his room, shutting the door behind him and flopping onto his bed. He pulls the covers over his head and lets out a little cry.
Alice stands still in the living room, listening to the rest of Autumn Leaves, playing with the sleeves of her sweater. She sighs and walks up to Harry's bed room door, knocking.
There's silence for a few minutes, and then a sniffle. "Come in."
Alice turns the knob slowly, seeing his cheeks are red and his pillow has tear stains on it. She sighs and sits on the end of the bed as Harry sits up.
"It's alright," Alice whispers after a while. "I know you aren't feeling okay."
"I'm sorry," Harry chokes out, wiping at his eye. "I shouldn't have done that."
"But you did," Alice says, nodding. "And it's alright. I don't think of it as anything more than you do."
Harry looks up. "Are you sure? I mean... I thought you loved me."
Alice laughs. "When did I ever say that?"
"When you first introduced yourself. You said you were a fan... couldn't believe I was your roommate. Wasn't that your dream? To be with me? Were you planning this out?" Harry looks down at the sheets of his bed, taking a fistful and raising it up to his cheeks.
"Harry, of course not. That was my dream because I was a fan. Now that we're roomies... I love you like a brother. I could never see myself with you. I never thought I'd ever have a chance either... because of... him." She sighs and scoots closer to Harry, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and bringing him to her chest. She hugs him tightly, and even though he's not hugging back, it's enough.
"We're nothing more than we are before we kissed, alright?" Alice whispers into his ear.
He thinks for a few moments, before nodding and wrapping his arms around Alice. He pulls her closer, their stomachs pressed against each other. "Alright," he says finally, nodding. "I love you too. Not... not like that though. Like you said. Like a sister."
Alice chuckles. "I know."
~
The time barely stretches into midnight, and they've decided they're both missing classes the next day. Harry stumbles into the kitchen, Alice's fingers typing madly at her phone.
He rubs his eyes as Alice looks up. "Sleep with me?" He asks.
"I'll be there in a minute," Alice says. "Just gotta call someone."
He nods and leaves for the bedroom. The second Alice hears the bedroom door shut, she raises the phone up to her ear and waits.
It rings four times before picking up. "Hello?" Louis' sleepy voice says. "Why so early in the morning?"
"Sorry," Alice mutters. "Shit. I forgot. It's like five am over there."
"Yeah, it is," Louis grumbles. He looks over at Eleanor's sleeping form. "Do I need to leave the room I'm in?" he asks.
"Please." Alice says.
He pushes himself out of bed carefully, walking into the living room and sprawling out on the couch. "What's the problem now?"
"Help me. I let my guard down."
Louis furrows his brows. "What do you mean, 'you let your guard down'?"
Alice sighs exasperatedly. "We kissed and it wasn't supposed to happen."
Louis feels a pain in his chest and he sits up. "You kissed?"
"Um... yeah."
"Why?"
"He did it. I went along with it, of course."
"You act like you had no other choice," Louis scoffs. "You could have pulled away."
"Yeah, but I didn't," Alice sighs.
"So why are you calling me?"
"Because you fell in love him once, too."
"You fell in love with him?"
"No," Alice admits. "But you got over him. I need to do that too."
Louis sits up. "I didn't get over him."
"Say that to your wife and your baby."
"She's still my fiance."
"Same difference, as of the situation being," Alice yawns. She leans back against the breakfast nook table and crosses one foot over the other. "Don't you like his lips?"
Louis chokes on air. "I'm not going to stay up at five in the morning to fangirl with you over kissing Harry Styles! Talk to Twitter."
"Not everyone on Twitter has kissed Harry Styles, for your information-"
"Great, and I'm one of the only others who has. Can I give you Swiftie's number? She'll be pleased to write a single about you and Harry together."
"Louis!" Alice laughs, hearing him mumble on the other line. "No. I'm not here to fangirl. Louis, I let my guard down. I feel closer to him now."
Louis groans and sits up, folding his feet up on the coffee table. "And that's a bad thing because...?"
"I'm hiding a secret," Alice whispers, feeling tears prick her eyes. "I've had it for a really long time. I feel like I can tell him it now. But I can't."
"What is it?"
"Not for your ears," Alice says back quickly. "I don't want to tell him it."
"Then don't."
"But it's not that easy," Alice whines. "I feel like he can see through me now. Through my fake personality...?"
"Are you depressed?"
"No! That's fucking rude of you to assume-"
"Okay, I understand," Louis murmurs. "Harry was once like that too."
Alice feels the pit of her stomach drop out. "He was... depressed?"
"Yeah. And he self-harmed... and I was struggling with eating. We were good for each other. We helped each other recover. And I'm sure he'd be glad to help someone else."
"But that's not my problem," Alice says slowly, trying to process the new information. "I need him to not know me like that."
He sighs. "Well maybe you're good for each other," he starts. "He can help you with... your problem. And you can help him with his."
They don't even have to say what his problem was; it was Louis.
"You're sure I should... you know, tell him?"
"Yes," Louis nods. "You're good for each other in another way. Like we were good for each other... he'll understand. Whatever it is, he'll have personal experience."
"You're sure?"
"Positive. Don't hurt yourself, Alice," Louis warns. "Harry is a tough person to... stop loving. Once you're in, you're in for a lifetime."
Alice bites her tongue. All she wants to do is say, 'so what happened to you?'
"Okay," she says instead. "Thank you so much."
"Welcome. Can I sleep now?"
"Yes, goodnight," Alice laughs, hanging up on him after they share goodbyes once more.
~
Alice tucks herself into Harry's bed and lays there, still, not moving. Harry is turned away from her, and his breathing is slow and heavy. Alice sighs and tries to go to sleep, but once again, her thoughts are racing.
"You self harmed?" Alice asks, expecting Harry to be asleep and not give an answer. However, his breathing stops and he flips over quickly. He looks at her in the dark, his eyes wide and panicked. He slowly nods.
"How... how did you find out?" He whispers.
Alice shifts so that she's laying on her side, hands cushioning her head and eyes looking for Harry's in the darkness. "I called Louis."
"About what?"
"Nothing," Alice lies quickly. She feels her breathing stagger as she tries not to cry.
"You obviously talked about something. Why? Why him? Why not me?" Harry says loudly. His eyebrows are pressed low in anger, his expression unreadable in the dark. By the tone of his voice, Alice can tell he's angry.
"I can't tell you," Alice stutters, squeezing her eyes shut. "I can't."
"Why not?" Harry spits. "Why were you talking about me?"
Alice sticks a hand out between them, a middle school move she still had a habit of doing when she wanted her hand held. Harry takes it slowly and plays with her fingers as she talks.
"I..." she gulps. "I had a secret. And I wanted to know... you know, how to tell you. And I thought Louis would know. And... he told me you guys are good for each other-"
"Were. We were good for each other," Harry corrects.
"I don't necessarily think so..."
"Please just say we were. He hates me now."
"I can say he definitely doesn't hate you," she mumbles. "Anyway. Let's stop arguing. He said he thought we would be good for each other. We could help each other with our problems."
"What's mine?"
"Uh..." Alice tries to find the words to sugar-coat the truth she had in mind, but after scanning her brain unsuccessfully she decides to lay it on thick. "Louis."
"Oh," Harry whispers. "I guess. What's yours?"
Alice's fingers close in on each other, and Harry stops playing with them. "What is it?" he asks again, gently.
Alice shudders and shakes her head. "Please, no."
"Please. It'll only be easier. For you."
She looks over at Harry, blinking back her tears. "It's a long story. And... seems kind of like the movies."
"Believe me. I've got time."
Alice takes in a long draw of breath and then lets it out slowly. She flips onto her back and stares up at the ceiling. Harry pries her fingers apart and plays with them again, the entire time she talks, just trying to comfort her.
"Well... it's my family that started it all," Alice says simply. "My father was a drug addict. He was abusive. Not to me, but to my mother. When she finally got the courage to divorce him, he didn't like it. I was... I think I was seven when we moved out. We were constantly moving houses, every few months. He was always looking for us. He tried to find us over and over again. Then one day, when I first got a car... I wanted to see him again. I thought maybe he would've changed by now, because we'd been in the same house for a very long time. A few years and he hadn't found us."
"Had he changed?" Harry interrupts.
"No, I'm getting there," Alice sighs. "I found his address, and he was living there. I found it on Facebook, and he said on there a lot that he missed me. Never my mother, only me. That he wanted to get to know me. I wanted to know him too, so that's when I left one day for his house while mother was sleeping."
She feels Harry intertwine their fingers. "He hadn't changed, to say the least. That day, I showed up, and I said hi. He didn't know who I was at first. Then when I told him I was his daughter, he just... he lost it."
She starts to cry and Harry automatically wraps his arm around her, pulling her into his chest. "Shh. I'm so sorry," Harry soothes. "Go on?"
"Yeah," Alice chokes out. She takes a few seconds to calm down. "He locked me in his apartment, and he just started... beating me. With his fists, pushing me down, throwing things at me. I was so hurt. It was horrible. And I cried so loud, I screamed but nobody came. So when he went to get something, I ran for it. And... oh my god. I had no idea he... he would do that."
"Do what?"
"Follow me home," Alice cries. "He followed me home and stayed there until the night came. He... I don't know how exactly. It sounds so fake. But he set the house on fire."
"What?!" Harry cries. "With you in it?"
"I woke up when I got really hot and looked out the window and saw flames," Alice shuts her eyes and sighs. "But when I tried to go to my mother's room to wake her, the hallway was on fire. All the ways to her room were blocked. I didn't hear her screaming either, and I just knew... I had to leave her."
Harry sucks in a breath and strokes her back. "I'm so sorry."
"No, it's alright. So... after that, when it was all over the news and the fire department came and said there was an unknown cause to it and she was gone, I knew I was going to have to live with my father. I was still underage. So... I left. I moved to Brooklyn in New York, I moved to a totally different country. I didn't even get to tell my brother I was leaving. He moved out years before I did. He's... maybe twenty-five or twenty-six now."
"Wait... you said to a new country?"
"Yeah. We lived in the UK."
"Seriously? Why don't you have an accent?"
Alice laughs and shrugs. "I'm still American. My parents moved to the UK after they got married and before he... became how he was. Since then, since I moved to Brooklyn and finally here for university... I've put on a show."
Harry sighs and kisses her forehead. "Sorry," he whispers. "What's happened since then? Have you talked?"
"Nope. I don't want to. I just wish I got to talk to my brother more. But anyway. I made a lot of friends here but I lost them all, because they said I was overly happy. Which I guess was true, because even this is all... pretend. I'm a wreck. I get tormented online all the time but I never really tell, it's in the back of my mind. So when I learned you were my roommate, I thought for once my life was going to go right. And it did," she smiles. "Don't get me wrong. But it's still a part of me, everything. And I'm finally telling you because I feel like if I hadn't, you would've gotten it out of me."
Harry shrugs. "I'm so sorry. I really am. You're gonna find your brother."
"He's still in the UK. I bet he's really seems British by now," Alice laughs. "Thank you for listening."
"You're welcome. I'm gonna help you. And you're gonna help me."
"Really?"
"Really," Harry smiles. "We're good for each other, right?" He stops himself and then shakes his head. He once said those exact words to Louis, all of them; when they finally told each other their struggles.
"I'm sorry that's... too close to home. But we're gonna help each other," Harry says, and sighs. He buries his nose in Alice's hair and shuts his eyes. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
~
Halice chapter! Huge Larry chapter coming up next. Hope everyone likes the new cover? I do because it's less cluttered xD anywho thank you for reading! xx