The last few weeks leading up to the Christmas Holiday were no longer the paradise the start of the year had been. Now that I was no longer on Professor Umbridge's good side, thanks to my father not telling her that I did not forge a note, she's been keeping an extra close eye on me. My marks for Defense Against the Dark Arts began to decrease as she graded my assignments harsher and harsher. Thanks to her, I was no longer among the top of my class, even though the work I handed in was far above the work of some of my peers, all of which received higher marks than me in the course. I had tried going to Dumbledore about this problem, but even as he read over my unfairly graded rows upon rows of parchment assigned by the terrible woman, his mind seemed to be elsewhere, and he claimed he saw "work that matched the mark received".
Even my father believed that the low marks were due to my poor effort and not Umbridge's want to fail me. The hours I used to spend making her precious Veritaserum for him were now partly dedicated to completing assignments for her under his watch. Father had also begun to notice how Goyle and I were spending more time together, and blamed my grades on him being a distraction.
As for Goyle himself, he had begun to hang around me less and less, and more around Draco, whom I had made a point to avoid for the semester in hopes that would lessen the tension between us. A week before the break, I had confronted Goyle about this, asking about his sudden avoidance from me. He said it was because he didn't want to distract me from my studies, but I didn't think that was the whole truth.
I could not board the Hogwarts Express fast enough to get away from all of it for Christmas Holiday. Well, almost all of it. No doubt father would make sure I came back knowing enough of Defense Against the Dark Arts to improve my performance in the class. At least this way I might have a chance at learning defensive spells. And then there was Voldemort. I didn't even want to imagine when or what my next meeting with him would be about. I thought back to the Yule Ball, back to the strapless dress I had worn to it, and knew that now, with my damned dark mark, I would never be able to wear another dress like that in my life without showing that I'm a death eater.
I quickly found an empty compartment and closed the door to it behind me. All I wanted was a few hours to myself to think everything through, and maybe actually relax for once. I sat and looked out the window listening to all the other students walk past the compartment, hoping none would try to join me. As the train began to lurch forward, I sighed a breath of relief. I guess enough students had decided to stay at Hogwarts for there to be at least one mostly empty compartment. I kicked my shoes up and propped my feet up on the bench across from me. I read through one of my older potion books and reviewed in my mind how I would prepare each one.
The train had been moving for probably ten minutes by the time a knock sounded on the door to my compartment. I instantly sat up and stared at the door. It was one person, I could tell that by the silhouette. I just couldn't tell who. Then I realized it didn't matter who, that wouldn't change my mind of wanting to be alone at this moment. "Go away." I propped my feet back up and continued my book as the door quickly opened, the silhouette swiftly moved inside, and closed the door.
"Why are you in here all alone Serena?" Goyle plopped down on the bench across from me, nearly sitting on my feet. "Crabbe, Draco and I are in our normal compartment, just down-"
"Don't you think if I wanted to sit with you I would have?" I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. And especially not Goyle. He practically ignores me these past couple of weeks, then wants to hang out? And of course right when I wanted most to be alone.
"No need to be so harsh werewolf." The nickname confused me for a second, before I remembered back in third year, when Crabbe and Goyle had originally given me that nickname. "I thought you already mastered all those potions." He nodded to the book in my hands. He was beating around the bush. There's no way he came to see me and talk about what I had chosen to read.
"What do you want Goyle?" I closed the book and placed it in my lap, hands laying over it.
"Ok, no small talk then. I was wondering if you would like to join my family for the Holidays. I meant to ask you earlier this week, but you weren't around that much." I was about to respond that the reason was because of all the extra work Umbridge was assigning me when we made eye contact. I've made eye contact with Goyle before, it's not like this was the first time. But it was different. This time, I looked into his hazel eyes and saw something I had searched Draco's eyes a hundred times before but had never found; affection. True affection (perhaps love). I could see that Goyle was truly beginning to like me. I also realized that I shared those feelings for him, no matter how much I'd like to deny it and say those feelings were only for Draco.
"I...I'd like to, but you know my father. And with my low Defense Against the Dark Arts marks I doubt he'll even let me out of the house much. I'm sorry." And I truly was. I could only imagine how joyous a month away from my father's watchful and judgmental eye might be.
"That's okay. I'll let you get back to your book." And like that, he left as quickly as he had come. Now I felt truly alone, and I hated it.
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I undid the wrapping around my gift, careful not to leave too much a mess. Like every other year, it was the shape and weight of a book. Big surprise. As I revealed more of the book, however, I saw that it was not yet another potions book. This time, it was a spell book, with a focus on defensive spells. I hadn't meant to, as I tried not to show too much emotion around my father (especially now for obvious reasons), but a smile crept across my face, stretching from ear to ear. So he had listened that one night when I had asked about this kind of book.
"Hopefully with that you won't fail Defense Against the Dark Arts." Or maybe not. I looked up and saw his face, emotionless with a bit of disappointment in it. Of course. I couldn't just get a gift and be 100% happy with it. And of course I was still in trouble for my marks in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Did he really think I liked earning those marks? They took me from top of the class (behind Hermione) to nearly the bottom. Looking at them and knowing that they were mine was bad enough. But even during the break he had to remind me of them. If he had just told Professor Umbridge that I didn't forge that note then none of this would be happening. But no, even that is just one of my 'excuses' for the low marks apparently.
"Thanks." My smile swiftly disappeared as I set the book down on the table and got up to throw the wrapping paper away.
"We need to talk."
"I'm done being lectured. It's holiday, there's nothing I can do about my grades right now." I began to head towards the stairs when his voice stopped me.
"It's not a lecture. It's about your mark." That stopped me in my tracks. I could feel the blood drain from my face, and with it the color. I involuntarily touched my mark through my sleeve, recalling all the pain it's brought me thus far. I walked back to where I had been sitting, but did not sit down just yet.
"What? Does Voldemort want to torture me again?" I was annoyed at him for bringing up the subject on this day, on Christmas. He motioned for me to sit back on the couch, and once I did he continued.
"First, to you he is the dark lord. You agreed to that the day you decided to become a death eater." I sat there silently. So far, this was sounding very much like another lecture. "Second, has anyone else seen it?"
"No. I told you, Goyle seeing it was an accident."
"Has he told anyone? You know the punishment for being a death eater Serena."
"I know I know!" My anger was fuming by this point. "If you're so worried about my getting sent to Azkaban, why did you let me get the mark in the first place?" I was practically yelling.
"Quiet yourself down Serena Snape!" He spoke in a whisper, but it was one of the harshest ones I'd ever heard. "Do you want the neighbors to hear you?" I took a deep breath and sat glaring at him, arms folded. I stayed silent as I watched him collect himself before continuing. "First your grades, now your outbursts. I apologize for not being there as much when you were growing up. Your temper is out of control and I need to stop that before you-"
"Before I end up like you?" The words spilled out of my mouth before I could even stop them. I instantly felt sick on the inside, fearing what was going to happen. I had always pushed the envelope with my father, but this I could even tell was too far, even if his description matched himself as well. I remained glaring at him, too scared to change my expression now that the damage had been done.
"Go to your room. I'll bring supper up in a few hours." He got up and began to tidy up the room. I must have had a confused look on my face since he continued once he looked at me. "You're grounded Serena. You are to remain in your room until the next term starts at Hogwarts. You may only leave your room when I say so. Now go."
I was too shocked to give another response, and that was probably a good thing too. My feet carried my body up the stairs and into my room. I had never been grounded before, and tried to tell myself that the start of the term was only a few weeks away, it wouldn't be too bad. Besides, this would give me the chance to practice my new spells, right?
As soon as I had sat down on my bed and opened my new book, my father came in and snatched it from my hands. "You'll get this back at Hogwarts." Once he closed the door, I lied down and allowed a tear to slip from my eye. It felt like my whole world was a black hole, like I was losing everything: innocence (now I'm a death eater), Draco, top of the class, reading, and my father. It felt as though my life was over, and with what was coming, it might as well have been...
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"Only a few more days," I thought to myself, sitting on the floor of my bedroom twisting a twine around my fingers, "then I'll be back at Hogwarts." The weeks had passed by painfully slow. After the first couple of days, I had earned back my potions books, so I at least had something to do, but not my new spell book just yet. And now I was at least allowed to eat at the kitchen table and not just in my room like a prisoner. I still felt like a prisoner though, almost like a house slave. I had to clean up after every meal, and after dinner I was to stay in my room until the next morning. "It's to think about your behavior and how it needs to be changed" he had said. I was sick and tired of just sitting here and thinking. I thought about Goyle's invitation to his family's house for the holidays, maybe I should have said yes to that rather than thinking about getting my father's approval for it.
The twine around my fingers snapped as I watched the moon rise above Spinner's End. I sighed and got up from the floor walking over to my dresser. Might as well get ready to go to sleep, it's not like I had anything better to do. I had just begun to unbutton my top when I heard a tapping on my window. I quickly spun around and saw Goyle there, just smiling and waving. I looked down at my shirt, thankful I had only undone the buttons around my neck, before rushing over and opening the window. I helped Goyle in, as he apparently had climbed up the side of my house.
"What are you doing here?" I whispered as soon as he was inside and on is feet. "Are you trying to get me in more trouble?"
"You didn't respond to any of my letters, I wanted to make sure you were alright." He couldn't stop smiling and, suddenly, hugged me. I stood there awkwardly, not accustomed to hugs.
"Y-Yeah... I'm fine." I lightly pushed him away. "Just grounded."
"Until when?"
"Until term starts back up at Hogwarts."
"Ouch. C'mon." He started towards my bedroom door that led into the upstairs hallway.
"Are you crazy?" I rushed to stand between him and the door. "If my father saw you he'd kill me!"
"Your father isn't here Serena. I saw him leave a half hour ago. Didn't he tell you?" I thought back to dinner, and how I was just trying to get my food down as quick as possible so I could get away from him. He might have mentioned something about errands he had to do that night, but I couldn't remember too well. "C'mon." He walked out into the hallway, and I followed him down the stairs.
"Where are we going?" I hastily tried to rebutton the top buttons of my top. He looked and noticed.
"Leave it, you look better without your neck all covered up. And to a party. Pansy Parkinson's parents are gone for the weekend, all the 5th year Slytherin students were invited." I stopped in my tracks and hesitated. Goyle turned around and looked at me, and just chuckled to himself.
"Relax, I'll have you back by midnight. He'll never even know you were gone." With that, Goyle grabbed my hand and the two of us slipped down back alleys until we reached the Parkinson house.
That night was perhaps the most fun I had in a while, and there were two things that made it that much better. First, Draco wasn't there allowing me to forget about him for a few hours. And second, my father never found out. Goyle held true to his word. I was back in my room before midnight, right before my father came back from his errands. I decided not to question Goyle on how he knew what time my father would be back, and decided it was just a good coincidence. The main point, for me, was that for once in my life, I was able to forget about my father and the Malfoys and their plans for my future, and be able to discover for myself what I might want in my life. Because, in the night, I allowed myself to feel what I felt for Goyle and, after drinking a little too much punch, expressed the feelings through my first kiss.