It had been nearly a week since Logan surprised me with a wonderful night with our closest friends. Now, I'm waiting in traffic on my way to the first appointment for the baby. I've been diligently reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting." Logan picked it up for me earlier this week. As if I needed another book. He's an enabler, that one. This book is more necessity than pleasure. It doesn't make me any less nervous for this appointment. Up to now, this pregnancy has been an abstract idea. Aside from the morning sickness, the whole thing seems intangible.
The car pulls up to the building that houses the medical center. I make my way inside, find the elevator and press the button for the fifth floor. Just before the door closed Logan slipped into the elevator car. I was so relieved that I didn't have to wait around for him.
"Hey, Ace," he said, sliding up next to me, giving me a sweet smile.
"I'm so glad you made it, Logan," I said, smiling back at him, feeling a sense of reprieve. "I'm a little nervous about all of this. None of it seems real to me."
"I'm here. Don't worry, I'm nervous too! I'd be lying if I said I haven't given this any thought! We've got plenty of time to learn and get everything figured out," he replied.
"I know.....I know," I responded.
I walk up to the front desk and check in for my appointment. I'm sent back to my seat with information sheets to fill out and a clipboard. I begin filling out the paperwork. Logan pulls out his cellphone and checks his e-mail. Since we've been back in the city, he's had to throw himself into his new role for the company. I'm so proud of him for stepping up. He's even gone to visit his dad, who is now back home recovering. Of course he's got nurses caring for him 24/7, so he's well taken care of. We are going there this weekend. At least Honor and Josh will be there to help buffer for us.
"Lorelai Gilmore," I hear the nurse call me by my full name. I stand up and move toward her. I pause for a moment, looking back for Logan. He's thoroughly engrossed in something on his phone.
"Logan, it's time to go in," I say, interrupting his work.
He looks at me from his phone, clicks the button on the side and slides it into his jacket pocket. Logan follows behind me to the room. The nurse takes a few vitals and conducts a quick health history. Logan is distracted by his e-mail again. I wonder why he's so distant today. I know he's taken on a lot more responsibility and needs to adjust. She sets a paper blanket on the exam table and tells me to get undressed from the waist down. The nurse excuses herself letting us know the doctor will see us shortly. Logan comes out of his e-mail world.
"Sorry, Ace! There's so much going on right now and things for me to catch up on. I thought if I could get a few more things taken care of, I could come home early tonight and take you out for a nice romantic dinner," he said without any prompting. He takes my hand and kisses me on the cheek. I knew there was a logical explanation for his distraction.
I stand up, remove the clothing from the lower half of my body and take my place on the exam table.
About 5 minutes later, I hear a light knock, followed by the door opening. The doctor walks in. She looks to be in her mid to late 40s with red hair and emerald green eyes. I'm sitting awkwardly on the exam table with the paper blanket on my lap.
"I'm Dr. Anna O'Brien. It's nice to meet you, Lorelai," she greeted me with extended hand.
"I prefer Rory, if you don't mind," I reply, shaking her hand. She offers her hand to Logan as well.
"Nice to meet you, Dr. O'Brien. I'm Logan, Rory's fiancé," he says shaking her hand.
She proceeds to ask me similar questions as the nurse asked earlier. She discerns my due date to be June 22. That seems like an eternity away. The doctor slips out of the room, returning a moment later with a small ultrasound machine. She prepares a long wand.
"We can't use the external wand for an ultrasound this early. This one is internal and gives us a better look at the tiny baby inside," she says as she pulls out the stirrups. "I'd like for you to lay back, put your heels in the stirrups and slide your hips down to the edge of the exam table."
The doctor turns off the lights, turns on the machine and inserts the wand. It's cold and little uncomfortable at first. She moves it around, trying to find my uterus. Logan moves up near my head, holding my hand. I feel like I've got a death grip on him. We stare at the screen intently. I have no idea what I'm even looking for, but I stare anyway.
Dr. O'Brien stops moving the wand. "There," she points to the screen. "There's your baby."
I'm flabbergasted. "That......that's.....inside me?"
Logan is silent. He's fixated on the screen in amazement.
"Logan, there's a baby.....inside of me," I say, feeling the panic flooding me. I keep staring at the screen. This can't be real. There is no way there's a baby inside!
"Yes, Ace, that's what being pregnant means," he said with a laugh. "And, you're crushing my hand."
I release his hand. "I'm so sorry, Logan. I'm......just.....I...." my voice trails off.
"Do you see the screen, Rory? That's the baby......OUR baby!" He says as a smile grows on his face. It was the biggest I've ever seen him smile. The panic starts to fade. He's right. It is our baby that I'm seeing on the screen, even though it looks more like a lima bean than a baby at this point. I can feel a smile growing and a tear welling up in my eye.
"If you'd like, I can print you a few pictures," Dr. O'Brien offers. She begins taking a few measurements of the baby on the screen. "Looks like the measurements confirm the June 22 due date." She hits another button and I can hear a rapid beating. "That's your baby's heartbeat."
"It's....beautiful," I say, choking back a sob. Damn these hormones!
She prints a few pictures from the machine and hands them to us. "You can go ahead and get dressed. I'll be back in a few minutes," she says as she puts away the wand and wheels the machine out, closing the door behind her.
I pull myself upright and get off the exam table. Logan hands me my clothes to put on. We sit in silence for a few minutes, holding hands.
"We're having a baby, Ace! The concept felt so distant until I saw it for myself on that screen," Logan said, breaking the silence.
I still have no words. Thoughts try to form in my head, but I can't catch them and put them together. I am in awe.
The rest of the appointment went quickly. Dr. O'Brien returned. She went over my anticipated appointment schedule and asked if I had any questions. I'm sure there will be a million questions once I leave the office but for now, my mind is still a bit of a blank.
The doctor shows us the way back to the waiting room. There's a baby....inside me.....baby....inside..... This was the only thought rolling around. I saw it on the screen. We have the pictures. While it hasn't even started to resemble anything remotely human, it is in there. I hadn't even noticed Logan looking at me with great concern. I'm not very good at hiding my emotions lately.
"Are you ok?" he asked.
"I'm....I.....baby....inside..." I said, the words still refused to form a cohesive sentence.
"Ace, just relax. You will be fine. I'm here for you! I will always be here for you!" he said, reassuringly. "Let's go home and have a nice evening in rather than going out for dinner. We'll order Chinese and you can have total control over the remote!"
"Total control? You have to watch anything I put on?" I said, forming my first full thought. "That sounds absolutely wonderful, Logan!"
The thought of a relaxing night in sounded fantastic. As we headed to the car, Logan made a quick call to work to make sure there weren't any pressing issues.
"Looks like I'll need to take care of a few issues from home, but the office is safe without me for now," he said as we climbed into the car.
Our buzzer rang. The Chinese food was finally here! Logan buzzed the delivery person up. He opened the door and was astonished at the amount of food I ordered.
"I guess old habits are hard to break," I said, smiling and laughing. "It seems my mother's influence runs deep!"
We sit down to eat dinner. It was comforting. It felt like home. I haven't felt like that in a very long time. My life has been turned upside-down. Living a nomadic lifestyle, crashing on other people's couches, moving back in with my mom has finally taken its toll on me. I know what I've been missing, what I've been searching for. It feels right.
After we finish eating, we move to the couch. Logan attempts to use the remote.
"Not so fast, Mister!" I say as I snatch the remote from his hands. I turn on the TV, scrolling through our options. With a few pushes of the button my choice becomes clear. There's a Twilight Zone marathon on. This couldn't be more perfect. I press the button to select it. The episode is Logan's favorite, "The Long Morrow." I'll take this as a sign.
We cuddle up on the couch with a blanket. I lasted about three episodes. I fell asleep in Logan's arms.