Loud.
It's too loud. The voices in my head, they are raging and screaming. All I want is quiet. Peace and some sleep, but I can't have that. Nightmares spoil everything but it doesn't even help when you wake up when you live in a nightmare. It's always the same, I'm on a rollercoaster and everything's great. Then I suddenly falling into darkness and unable to breathe. It's all a mess like my life.
There's one way to shut the voices, drinking and drugs.
I don't like it but I don't have a choice. I walk to my cabinet under my bed, where I keep my secret stash of coke, meth, vodka and beer. Also my surpresents and my spray which covers my omega scent. I don't where it that often but only when I'm with the boys, concerts or signings.
My phone buzzes as I pick it up. It's a message from Jones.
Meeting with the boys at 7:00 tomorrow sharp you also go clubbing at 8:00
Whole day, your out with Banana
What a wonderful day ahead
And they send that at 4:00 am in the morning like wow, do you want a noble award for being the best management?
Hate them
I just have three hours before I go to the damn meeting so I get into the shower, make myself presentable and avoid the mirror. I take my razors out and cut around my thighs.
My stomach hurts and I should probably eat something but it's 6:00 am and it usually takes an hour to get the headquarters, so when I finally decide to eat, I can't. Fucking fantastic!
I seriously can't even do this. I just want to die, disappear from the surface of Earth. I wanna sleep without having to worry about tomorrow. I hope and wish that someone sees, the pain of being unwanted, of being rejected. I just want someone to see my constant try to achieve perfection which fails all the time and tell me it's alright, I'm okay even when it's a lie.
I get into my car and begin my journey to another meeting with evil itself.
Tears fall from eyes as I force myself to take deep breaths. It will all be alright, it will be. And maybe if I keep telling myself that, I'll believe it one day.
Hi, sorry for the delay. I hope someone is still reading this. I might update more tomorrow coz I really don't like this chapter.
But have you guys heard about Jay's death ? It's sooo sad 😭. I feel terrible, she was a amazing Mom and Louis loved her soo much. She left behind such a beautiful family. The world will miss her. She was still so young. It's not fair. #ripjohannah
Thanks for reading!
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