Chapter Two: Nicole
Catching Feelings:
Vic gave me his number that day, and I decided to call him and thank him again just for the ride. He answered on the first ring, “What’s up sweetheart?”
“Hey Vic. I just wanted to thank you again for today. I really appreciated it.”
“It’s cool sweetheart,” he paused, “So what’s up? Talk to me.”
“I’m not too sure what to say. Tell me about yourself,” I suggested.
“I can talk about me all night, but I would much rather hear more about you sweetheart. What’s your story? You got a little boyfriend I need to take you from?”
“My story? Umm well no I don’t have a boyfriend; and if I did, what makes you think you could take me from him?”
“Time and patience baby girl.”
We talked on the phone for hours. My mother had to come in and remind me to eat dinner! Time flew by that night. The days flew by as well because after 3 weeks of casual flirting, we became a couple. After that, things really took off. My whole life was suddenly changing. People in school began to treat me differently because I was known as Vic’s girlfriend…half of the student body didn’t even know my real name but everyone in the school knew me as Vic’s girl. It’s like I became popular overnight and I must admit, I was loving the attention. Things at home began to change as well. My mother was always telling me that she didn’t like the new me and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up with Vic but I loved him. She didn’t understand what it was like because she wasn’t my age. She’d often tell me that I didn’t know what love was but I knew how I felt for Vic…I knew that we were made for each other. I would often question her and ask that if I wasn’t allowed to have these feelings for Vic then why did God wire me this way? Why would God allow me to feel things like this if it weren’t real?
It was the last day of school as well as Vic’s graduation. He had come to the school to pick me up, but he looked different. I leant up to kiss him and he even kissed me differently.
“Baby what’s wrong?”
“Baby girl we gotta talk,” he looked away from me, “I don’t think this can work anymore.”
I felt my heart breaking, “What? Why not? What did I do?” I felt the tears clouding my eyes ready to fall down my face.
“I’m sexually frustrated. I wanna have sex, and I’ve been trying to be really patient with you but I can’t take this anymore. I know you’re saving yourself for marriage and I respect that or whatever but I think we should call it quits. I don’t wanna pressure you into doing something you don’t wanna do and before I cheat on you, I’d leave first.”
“Where is all this coming from baby?” I couldn’t hold the tears in anymore. The car stopped in front of my house. He got out and opened my door.
“Look baby girl, I gotta go…I’m sorry…” he kissed me on my forehead before he drove off. Moments later, I walked in the house as tears cascaded down my cheeks. I couldn’t let this happen. I needed to show him that I wasn’t a baby. I contemplated the pros and cons of living without him and I refused to not have him apart of my life. He was my first love. He was my soul mate and I needed him. I loved him and I was really ready to express that in a way that words couldn’t describe…it was time to let my actions speak for themselves.
Dear Diary,
All my life I grew up in the church and I was told that God didn’t condone pre-marital sex and that fornication was a sin. I’d hear countless sermons about the dangers of sex and soul ties. I’m young. I should be able to experience things and make mistakes for myself…after all how am I supposed to learn from it if I never went through it? I think I’m gonna do it…I’m gonna have sex! Yes. My decision is final! I need to keep my man!
-The Future Mrs. Victor Owens
“No ringy, No dingy” was my Pastor’s motto, yet my decision was final.
“Hello, Vic? It’s Nicole. I know you broke up with me but I just wanted to tell you that I’m ready. I don’t wanna lose you. If you’re interested then give me a call…my mom is working a double shift tonight so I have the house to myself until tomorrow.” I left a message. Vic called me back within a matter of 20 minutes. By 8:30 that night, I was ready to become a woman. My bedroom was dimly lit by warm vanilla candles. I had “Say It” by Ne-Yo playing softly in the background. I was beyond scared, but I had to prove my love. When he arrived I was wearing one of my sister’s silk bathrobes and my hair hung loosely on my shoulders.
He kissed me very gently at first; I was very receptive to his kisses. His touch was light and caring. He guided me to the bed and allowed me to lie on my back. His kisses became rough and rugged. I began to feel like I was kissing a stranger. He forced the robe down exposing my 32B cups. I felt awkward and fragile. He ripped off my panties and forced himself in. I screamed out in pain. He covered my mouth. I didn’t know this person. Sweat dripped from his forehead onto mine. I looked away from him. I closed my eyes and counted to what felt like a million before he got off of me. When he was done he got out of my bed, pulled the condom off, pulled his pants up and preceded out of the front door. I sat in the middle of my bed for what felt like an eternity before I moved. I was ashamed. I felt worthless and dirty. If becoming a woman was supposed to be so great, then why did I feel so bad?
Nicole: Brainwashed
As time went on our relationship began to change. Vic began to treat me differently but I understood that he was going through a rough time. There’d be days where he wouldn’t say a word to me but I was content with just being able to call him mine. To some people, our relationship wasn’t great but it was mine to have. I just had to be trained into doing what Vic told me to do. I wasn’t allowed to do or say certain things. I did whatever he told me to do, even if it meant defying my mother. He told me how to dress for school every day, what to eat, when to sleep, what time to wake up, and what girls to hang around with. He told me that I should start hanging with some of his female friends…so I did it.
I remember I popped up at his loft unannounced one day after school and I found him on the couch receiving oral sex from one of his female friends…and I forgave him. There’d be countless times where I would be doing his laundry and I’d find underwear that weren’t mine…and I’d forgive him. At the end of the day, Vic was mine. I was the one who he claimed. I was the one who he supported. I was the one he trained. I was the one he spent all of his free time with.
“Woman to Woman”
What probably messed me up was the fact that I over thought it. I was the one that always said, “I will never fall…love aint for me…”
And look at me now:
…head over heels…sweep me off my feet…Cinderella at the ball…I tried so hard to deny myself…I tried to deny my emotions but I can’t…some would say that you want what you can’t have…and I used to disagree with that…but look at me now:
I’ve fallen
I’ve been swept under the rug
I’m confused
I’m hurt
I’m jealous
Envious
I’m sharing
…by denying love, I fell in love…by sharing you, I became that girl…you know that girl that’s good enough to freak with but not good enough to be committed with…
My heart hurts
My emotions are set on fire
I never wanted to fall
I never wanted to submit
…and as I stand here looking at my reflection, I’ve learned how to apply make-up without looking into my own eyes…as I apply mascara I can hear her screaming out to me…she’s saying, “STOP THIS! YOU’RE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!!” but I’ve become that girl…
…please him…
…tease him…
…do this…
…don’t get attached…
…don’t let love hatch…
While I can hide my feelings around everyone else, at the end of the day, I’m stuck with the one person that knows me so well…she tells me that she’s disappointed in me and that she wants to have a talk…woman to woman…
Dear Diary,
Today isn’t really a good day. I’m not feeling well at all. I woke up this morning feeling nauseous and very irritable. I just really don’t feel like myself. Mom said I was looking very pale today and she asked if I wanted to come down to the office so she could give me a checkup but I said no. I didn’t wanna miss school and plus, I didn’t want Vic to be worried about me…maybe I’ll call my sister Naomi…she’ll know what to do.
-Spring
3:15pm