Chapter 25 - Part 2 of 2
"Amanda, may I have a word with you?" My grandmother asked as she walked towards me.
That was the last thing that I wanted to do today but I knew I couldn't say that to her face without getting angry looks or comments from my parents.
"Yeah sure." I answered, trying to keep my tone of voice under control.
She sat down at the kitchen table then looked at me waiting. I got the message loud and clear she wanted me to sit down next to her, so I walked over to the table and sat down across from her instead. The things Emily said during our appointment were true, I was more comfortable with her because she was family and not a complete stranger but I was still furious with her and my grandfather all at the same time.
She took a deep breath and started talking. "People grow old...older."
I could have told her that, I thought to myself.
"I realize that it doesn't matter the age of the person...we all make mistakes and we always learn more about ourselves with those mistakes." She continued as my grandfather walked towards us and sat down next to her.
"I made many mistakes..." She said and her chin was shaking like she was trying her best not to cry.
"We made many, many mistakes." My grandfather corrected and took my grandmother's hand in his.
"We travelled most of our lives while thinking that we needed to live for today and see the world. It started with one trip when the boys were younger then it just...continued. We will never get back the times when we should have been home. That is our biggest mistake and we need to live with the decisions we made, the wrong decisions." She said.
"All our trips were great, beautiful and we had a wonderful time except trips aren't supposed to last forever, we forgot what really mattered." My grandfather said.
"Oh yeah? What's that?" I asked.
"That life is short. We should have been home when our boys were younger, that we should have been there for you and your parents when you were little and left that horrible place. We should have hugged you more and tell you how much we both loved you. We had so many years apart while everyone grew up and your grandmother and I lost so many opportunities with all of you, that was our fault." My grandfather said.
"We are truly sorry for the pain we afflicted on you Amanda, and so terribly sorry that we were not there for you as you grew older....we apologized to everyone for our errors...I know it won't change the past and it won't change the damage we've done to everyone but hopefully one day you wont hate me as much as you do now." My grandmother said while keeping eye contact with me.
"I don't hate you." I told them looking down at the table. "I'm angry."
No one spoke for awhile when my grandmother finally decided to speak, "If I don't try now, I will miss out even more on the best thing that ever happened."
With her statement I thought of Blake, if I didn't tell him the truth or that I love him...I could miss out on the best thing in my life.
"Everything else was always more important than any one of us..." I told them, regarding to our family as much as Justin's. "…and now what? You see everything differently?" I asked.
"I see my mistakes. Amanda...we are far from being perfect, probably far from being good decent people but I hope one day, you'll give us one more chance to prove it to you." She said while I saw my grandfather squeezed her hand.
I had been waiting so long for this moment. I had wished for it, hoped for it, even cried over it since I was little because I thought I had done something wrong. Now here they were saying it was their fault and asking me for a chance.
I took a deep breath, "You're my grandparents... since I was little I wanted to know you...but that was a long time ago. I'm really...angry and it's going to take more than a little time but... I'll try." I told them. That was the best I could do, try and let go of the past errors and hope for something good in the future.
"Thank you." My grandfather said while my grandmother had a big smile across her face.
I nodded my head while getting up from the kitchen table.
"May I give you a hug?" My grandmother asked me.
I was caught off guard and I didn't know how to respond or what to do. If I followed my head, the answer was simple, no. I wasn't a huge fan of hugs from people I didn't know, whether we were related or not. The fact that I was angry on top of that didn't help at all. I knew my parents wanted me to be polite but they would also want me to be myself.
"Um..." Was all that came out.
"Some other time." My grandfather said with a small smile.
Their face expression showed that they were disappointed but at least I wasn't disrespectful towards them.
My grandmother nodded her head, giving me a sign she understood.
"I'll see you both later." I told them and left the kitchen.
I made my way to the living room where my parents were. They were sitting close, next to each other, my dad's arm around my mom's shoulders. They looked peaceful and relaxed. I loved watching them, they were still the same couple, so much in love as I remembered from when I was little. As a child, I was fascinated by them and I still was. My mom's posture was more inclined towards my dad with her head bent just a bit towards him.
"You always do that." My dad said.
I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or to my mom. I wasn't in their direct eye sight but maybe he sensed me.
After a few seconds of silence and both their eyes still on the TV, my dad continued. "Ever since you were little…watching from afar."
"How on Earth did you know I was standing here? You can't even see me." I asked.
"I'm your father, I know you." He said and my mom chuckled.
"So true. I remember at the apartment, she always stood in the corner between the kitchen and living room." My mom said smiling but still not looking my way.
Rolling my eyes I walked closer towards them and sat down on one of the chairs.
"I wish one day, I'll have something like you guys have." I said but kept my voice down.
My mom looked at me. "We're not perfect baby. Relationships needs work everyday. We argue, we make each other angry and sometimes I even want to pull my hair out because it can also be very frustrating but...I wouldn't want to argue, be angry or frustrated with anyone else. There are bad times but there are amazing times as well. I wouldn't change anything because I'm so happy where I am now. Our family is everything that matters to me." She said smiling at me as my dad and I smiled at her.
"Well said mon amour." My dad whispered, loud enough for me to hear and then kissed her temple. "There are many ups and downs in a relationship but if you can't imagine any of those moments without that one person, then maybe, just maybe it's the right person for you." He said.
"I'm nervous." I told them.
"I know. Are you ready to tell him?" My mom asked.
"Yeah I'm just nervous of the outcome." I confessed.
"You can only control you, what you say and what you do, everything else is out of your hands baby." She said.
"What do I do?" I asked, still confused.
"Good question. As a child, many things are out of your control but now you're an adult who can think for yourself and do what you want to do. You can control your actions but you have to realize that you can't control others...you wouldn't want to anyhow. I want someone in your life that wants to be there not because he has to but because he truly wants to." She said with a small smile.
I slowly nodded my head. After several seconds of silence I told them I was leaving. Blake should be getting off work soon and I wanted to meet up with him, besides the house was a bit full with my grandparents around and I felt awkward with the conversation we just had.
My mom got up, off the couch, and gave me a hug. "Good luck baby. If you need us, you know were we are and we are just a phone call away... I love you very much." She whispered in my ear.
"I love you too mom."
She pulled away and I went to my dad who was still sitting on the couch. "Bye dad, love you." I said while giving him a hug.
"I love you too honey. Let us know how it goes okay?" He asked and I nodded my head. I pulled away and smiled at him. "I'll see you guys soon." I told them.
"Drive safe." My mom added before I left the living room.
"Will do." I answered.
I grabbed my things and said goodbye to my grandparents, wishing them a good night while keeping my distance.
I left the house and walked towards my car feeling very nervous. I texted Blake asking if he was going home after work and if I could come over.
My cell phone buzzed and I read, 'Leaving work in five then going home. No need to ask, come over any time.' He replied.
'See you soon.' I texted back.
I left my parents house and slowly made my way over to Blake's apartment. I was so nervous I felt like I was going to throw up. I kept repeating over and over in my head that what I was going to tell him wasn't a big deal, that I was a kid and I was too young to know what I was doing except there was a little voice inside my head telling me that none of that mattered, I still killed someone.
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I know it's only December 30th but I wanted to wish you all a very happy New Year! I hope 2014 brings all of you health, love, joy, happiness & so much more! Be safe & drive safe!
xxx