I smiled and nodded. "Okay, it'll be our thing," I whispered, and I hugged her close. "You're absolutely sure, though? You're feeling okay?"
"I am scared, a little," she said. "But I'm so, so absolutely sure. I love you. I want this. I want to learn together, you and me."
After a moment, Bailey very slowly moved her hand down to the button on my jeans. "You have to do it," she said, lightly tapping the button. "I can't. My fingers aren't strong enough . . . "
I unbuttoned my pants and unzipped my jeans. From there, Bailey slowly slid down my jeans, underwear and all. I stepped out of them.
When she stood, her head accidentally brushed against my penis. I pretended not to notice, but she rolled her eyes and laughed. "Awk-ward," she said nervously.
We both laughed together. I shook my head and smiled.
This was one of the reasons I'd fallen in love with Bailey, I saw now. She didn't pretend about anything or deny anything. She accepted every last one of the things that happened in life, small or large, graceless or profound, as part of one fluid experience.
Now, we were both completely naked. Bailey's expression changed, and she gave me a look of love that I'd never seen before.
She kissed me and pulled me back toward the bed.
When she sat and pulled herself against the pillows, for a moment her thighs opened. The delicate folds of her vagina appeared and disappeared. For a few seconds I was dizzy with a kind of simple, raw sexual yearning, and, at the same time, I was almost overwhelmed by the thought that soon I would be inside of her, physically. That intimacy like that was even possible seemed like some kind of made-up legend.
I saw her glance at my penis, her eyes curious, as I laid down next to her. This surprised me, and, for some reason, her look of curiosity made me love her just a little bit more.
"Stay there," she said, smiling a suddenly sly smile. Still filled with her morning's burst of energy, Bailey took my penis into her hands so gently that it was almost as if she were picking up a small baby animal. She turned it over and looked at it closely.
It was so familiar to me: my average-size penis, the same one that I'd carried with me every day my entire life. But she hadn't ever really seen it in the light. For her it was almost entirely new. She ran her thumb along the head and down along the faint, dark circumcision scar, examining it with as much apprehension as curiosity. I worried a little that she might be disgusted by it. After all, a penis really is such a strange thing, a dangling, top-heavy protrusion of flesh.
"It's so sweet," she said, tracing a fingertip over my skin. I could tell she was coming to terms with the fact that she'd just asked me to put this thing inside of her. She laughed. "How can this be the ugliest and prettiest thing I've ever seen, all at once?"
I laughed too. "Sorry and thank you all at once?"
Bailey smiled at me and gave me this look like I was her best friend, and it made me deeply happy. For a moment, I forgot that she was dying, and I could tell that she'd forgotten too. She pulled herself up towards me. With surprising, sudden intensity, she kissed me hard, moved her legs around me, and pressed her pelvis into me. I felt a trace of warm wetness against my hip. Bailey's unexpectedly quick movement was unspeakably thrilling.
I kissed her back, then rolled over and rose up on my knees. Now Bailey lay on her back, both of her hands in mine, breathing quickly, her breasts faintly rising and falling.
I laid my hand against her inner thigh, and moved it upwards until my thumb grazed her vagina. She breathed even harder, looking straight into my eyes.
"I want to see, too," I said, feeling practically drunk. I gently spread her legs wider.
For a moment, she looked away. "Okay," she whispered. She faintly smiled, a little surprised and intrigued.
Her vagina was so bare, so small and vulnerable in the morning light, that I felt like I was breaking a powerful rule by touching it softly and looking at it so unapologetically. She kept her legs open, then gingerly opened them a little wider, and it was like she was offering me some gift I couldn't quite deserve. I leaned closer and put my lips agains her pubic hair. Bailey breathed even more heavily and made a small, ecstatic sound I'd never heard her make.
I loved her. Suddenly, that's all my mind could comprehend. I loved her. My love for her was so strong, I thought then, that it would keep her alive forever. I slid up and kissed her. I felt the weight of my body press down on hers. She wrapped her legs around me. She kissed me back so hard that I felt her teeth on my lips. With every breath, a soft whimpering sound, barely audible, escaped her throat.
I'd lost myself for a moment, but now I remembered Bailey's illness, the way her movements often slid beyond her control, and the pain that plagued her muscles and joints.
Suddenly, I was terrified that by having sex with her I would inevitably hurt her...