Chapter 59- Thoughts
Kensi's POV
Since I found out that Renko was alive, my break from work became a roller coaster of emotions. First I was overjoyed that he was alive. Then I started thinking about it. Three years he's been alive, and not even a text message or email. It would be different if he's been on assignment this whole time. I would forgive him easier probably, but he got out of NCIS more than a year ago. I checked the records, and he's been living a half an hour from LA the past six months. Not even a hello.
Before Deeks, Mike was the one I got close with. He was one of the first people I met coming into NCIS. He was the one I opened up to about Jack and my father. I had feelings for him for a period of time before he left. While he was gone with Granger, Deeks came along, but Mike Renko always had a special place in my heart as one of my closest friends. Watching the blood drain from the bullet hole in his cheek was one of the hardest things I've had to watch. I remember the stains of his dried blood on my shirt. I didn't even bother washing it after I heard he was dead. I burned it that night. The memory of him was too strong. I also remember the last conversation we had before he was shot. He was taunting me, playing with me, at the time, I thought he was flirting. But then he "died". That has always been a curse to follow me around. Everyone I love leaves, usually the permanent way. My father and Jack are the biggest heartbreaks I've endured.
I rolled over in bed and looked at Deeks, who was sleeping soundly next to me. I reached out and softly traced the scars on his cheeks and bare chest with my fingertip. Deeks is a heavy sleeper, and didn't even stir at my touch. Electricity sparked where I touched his skin, and I moved closer to his warmth. I've never loved anyone like I love Deeks. I hoped that meant he wouldn't leave just like the rest. I should know better by now then to get close to someone that could get up and leave at any moment. It's not like Deeks had to stay. We weren't bound by anything but our feelings for each other. The thing about feelings is that they can go away. That scared me sometimes. Especially around this time of the year, my relationships with others became more desperate. The last thing I need is to wake up Christmas Day and not have Deeks lying next to me. I'm pretty sure that would kill me.
I took my hand back and looked back up at Deeks' face. A smile instantly came to my face. His lips were upturned in a small smile. He was dreaming about something good. He looked so adorable just lying there with a stupid smile on his face. It reminded me of a child sleeping.
There it was again. My stupid maternal clock bringing thoughts of mini Kensi's into my head. I try to fight it, but every time I think about it the longing gets worse. I'm not getting any younger, but then I think about what I see on a daily basis. Why the hell would I want a child to be in a horrible world like this? And besides, the last thing I need is a spontaneous marriage just because Deeks knocked me up. I'm pretty sure Sam and Callen would murder him before the wedding anyways.
The thoughts of marriage brought another grin to my face. A year ago, I would never be thinking about getting fitted in a white gown and walking down the aisle. I would mentally slap myself for even imagining how my wedding would go. Something changed me over years. Someone changed me. Deeks has that effect on me. He makes me want to change, but in a good way.
I chuckled quietly to myself. To think, today my heart started racing when he pulled out that black velvet box. For a moment I thought he was going to propose. What scares me the most is I think I would have said yes. Deeks knows me better than that, though. Or he thinks he knows me that well. He would never move things along too fast. He's probably afraid he will scare me away or something. I don't want him to be afraid of losing me when I'm terrified of losing him.
I pushed a lock of his golden hair from his eyes. This time he started to move a little bit. I quickly shut my eyes and acted like I was asleep. I felt him shift positions in bed, then his hot breath appeared on my neck.
"I'm sorry about tonight, Kens." He whispered, the sleepiness evident in his raspy voice. What was he sorry for? Deeks pressed his lips to my neck, and heat radiated from that spot and down my body.
I didn't let my eyes open, and soon I simply just fell asleep for real.
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Really short chapter(I'm sorry) but this is what's going on in Kensi's head at the moment about Renko showing up
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