He hated her.
He loved her.
He hated her.
He loved her.
He couldn't make his fucking mind up.
The only light in the street came from the waning moon and the flickering streetlamps above Bucky's head as he strode purposefully through the dark streets of Washington DC. He didn't know where he was going, he just knew that he had to keep moving.
He knew that he shouldn't have gone snooping in her room, but he had been curious. He'd wanted to learn more about the woman who had helped him get his life back. He had done recon missions before, he knew the kind of stuff he would find. He stumbled across childhood photos and letters from her brother in Scotland in her cupboard, and when he'd found the small leather notebook he had mistakenly assumed it had been a diary of some sort. He'd felt guilty opening it, of course, but the feeling had been overpowered by his curiosity. He'd wanted to know if she'd written anything about him inside it. That was his first mistake.
He knew by the first page that he was dead wrong.
'CLASSIFIED. FOR S.H.I.E.L.D. EYES ONLY
MFCTS TRIAL AND PRODUCTION
CHEMIST - Erin Jefferson: S.H.I.E.L.D. ID - BC-00778'
The writing was in block capitals in Erin's untidy handwriting. There had been a small flower doodled into the bottom left-hand corner, and for some reason, Bucky had thought it a good idea to keep reading. The first ten pages had been full of unintelligible writing. Chemical formulas and named elements, numbers and symbols that Bucky didn't even understand. Erin was incredibly intelligent, there was no denying that. The next few pages had documented the initial testing process, the rats and mice that the serum had been given to, as well as the first human test.
There was then a blank page, and a new section added:
'MFCTS SUBJECT TEST
JAMES BUCHANNAN (BUCKY) BARNES alias THE WINTER SOLDIER'
That had piqued his curiosity, but his heart sank as soon as he had read the first sentence.
'Subject came to me asking for help, appears to have no recollection of previous life. MFCTS may assist in retrieval of lost memories.'
The tone had been emotionless, purely scientific. When he had confronted her about it, he had been hoping that she would say something to make him feel better. Tell him that she had only written it for scientific purposes, and she really did have feelings for him.
Instead she had clamped up completely.
He shook his head to himself and continued walking, pushing his hands into his pockets. He was confused.
He hated her.
He loved her.
Fuck.
Half of him wanted to never see her again, and the other half of him... Well. The other half of him wanted to hold her and never let her go, feel her skin under his hands, her lips on his. The other half of him wanted to sit up for hours talking to her, drinking in every detail of her life, every smile, every laugh. The other half of him wanted to bury his head between her thighs until she was shaking and every person in that goddamn block of flats knew his name.
He blushed red at the thought, but his mind didn't stop wandering. He recalled the night that he had taken her to the fairground, the night that he had kissed her whilst they were dancing. The feel of her firm body under his hands had made him want to do things that he hadn't done in a long time. A long time. He had stayed awake the whole of that night, his mind working far too fast on the possibilities.
He let out an elongated sigh and stopped walking, taking a deep breath. He was being stupid, running off instead of facing his problems head on. He wasn't about to throw away the best thing in his life because of a misunderstanding.
He was going to go back, and he was going to talk to her. Properly talk to her, face to face. They were going to sort this out.
He set off at a jog, heading back to her flat. He was going to find a way to work this out.
*************
"Shit."
Erin walked over to her room and peeled off her work clothes, slipping into something a bit more comfortable, a black tank top and grey set of briefs. She picked up her journal and looked through it, a sense of dread in her gut as she read through her writing. It was so impersonal, so harsh. She remembered writing the bit about his romantic advances, the night that he had kissed the tear from her face.
She would never forget the expression he had given her when he had read that passage out loud. He had looked broken.
She ripped a blank page out from the book and grabbed the nearest pen, scribbling hastily. If he came back whilst she was at work tomorrow, she wanted him to come back to an apology at least. She left the note tucked inside the journal and placed it on the mantlepiece, somewhere that she knew he would see it, then she got herself a large glass of whiskey and downed it in one, feeling the hot liquid burn her throat. She got another one and went to sit on her couch, joined quickly by Crookshanks, who sat next to her bare leg, purring. She felt a little jealous. Crooky didn't have to worry about anything other than when her next meal was, it must be easy.
She took a sip of her second whiskey, already feeling the first one going to her head. She had work tomorrow, this was a bad idea, but somehow, she couldn't find it in herself to stop.
She let out a deep sigh and sunk further into the couch, when she heard the unmistakeable sound of her door opening. Her heart leapt. He'd come back.
She jumped up from her space, her head spinning slightly from the alcohol, and turned around, a grin on her face.
"Bucky, I'm so sorr-"
She stopped in her tracks, heart dropping to her feet as she saw a man in front of her who was definitely not Bucky. He was shorter and broader, wearing black cargo pants and a bulletproof vest, a heavy-looking gun in his hand. The unmistakeable red insignia of HYDRA was sewed to his left sleeve.
"Oh, fuck." Erin muttered. She took a step backwards, and he took a step forwards, flanked by a soldier on either side.
Erin sprinted to the kitchenette and picked a thick steak knife out of her cutlery drawer, wielding it in fear.
"Stay back,"
The man at the front rolled his eyes in amusement.
"No Winter Soldier to protect you now, Jefferson."
Her eyes widened in surprise, as she took another step backwards, the hand holding the knife shaking.
"How did you know?"
He let out a chuckle at her confusion, "You really should think more carefully about who you divulge information to, Erin." His voice was impossibly low, a resonating baritone in the small room, "Your psychiatrist was very interested to tell us all about your new bunk buddy."
"Dr. Kennedy?" Erin couldn't believe it. The man that she had trusted with her deepest secrets, who she had thought was always there for her. He was a double agent?
"Bingo." He smiled, a grimace that didn't reach his eyes, "Now how about we put that knife down?"
"How about you go fuck yourself." She replied, holding the knife out further in front of her. He laughed at her bravado.
"He'll be back soon, you know," She tried desperately to convince them, "The Winter Soldier. He'll be back in a few minutes, you guys should be careful."
"He didn't look like he was coming back when he stormed out of here about five minutes ago," The man continued. He raised his gun, and Erin's heart thudded in her chest. He didn't believe her.
"I'm serious," she brandished the knife, as the other two men walked forwards to her, one on either side, "Stay back,"
There was a flash of pain in her right shoulder and she dropped the knife, sending it crashing to the floor with a loud noise. The first man put his gun back in his pocket, a smile on his face.
"Fuck," Erin hissed the word out through her teeth, her shoulder on fire. He had shot her? She raised her hand to her shoulder and it came away covered in red blood.
"Colonel Pine will be happy to see you," The original man stated, as he raised a different gun, a slightly smaller one. He pulled the trigger, and Erin felt a stinging pain in her neck, followed by an intense wave of nausea. Her vision blurred, and she felt her knees buckle underneath her as she fell to the floor.
"Bucky," The word slipped out of her mouth as she jarred her shoulder painfully on impact.
Everything went black.
AAAAAAY LMAO REVIEW PLEASE