"Shit," I cursed outloud.
"What's wrong?" Oli asked. I can feel him throw a quick glance at me from the driver's seat.
"Nakalimutan ko yung susi ko!" singhap ko.
Damn! Where is it? Nandoon ang house keys, pati ang car key ko. I have duplicates but it's not safe for those keys to be missing. Kakailanganin ko pang papalitan lahat ng door knobs sa bahay. Including the locks on my car door.
"I can't remember where I placed it." I blew out a breath and my body laxed in resignation.
Wala akong dalang bag at sa leg strap lang 'yon nakaipit kagabi kasama ang phone at iilang bills. Kaya nasaan?
"Maybe you dropped it somewhere last night."
I chewed on my lower lip and tried to retrace the events last night. Hindi ko maalala ang kahit anong tungkol sa susi. Hindi ko iyon napansin, dahil kung napansin ko iyon, hind ako mamo-mroblema ngayon.
"I can't remember," napabuntong hininga ako. Wala na akong magagawa.
Nang makarating kami sa bahay ay inakyat ni Oli ang gate ko para lang makapasok sa loob. It's a good thing that I didn't have a tall gate. Another fortunate thing is that I hid a duplicate front door key on the front porch lamp.
Pinakain ko muna si Oli at Shadow bago naghanda para sa pagpunta sa gym. I brought my uniform and my make-up kit with me, para hindi ko na kailangan bumalik ng bahay.
Nauna na sa akin si Oli sa campus dahil may klase na siya. Mamaya pa ang unang klase ko kaya may panahon ako para mag gym.
Oli frowns whenever I tell him my schedule. Nag-g-gym din naman siya pero hindi tulad ko na may klase pa pagkatapos mag work out. Para raw kasing nakakapagod at nakakatamad yung ganon. It is tiring, pero siguro ay nasanay na rin ang katawan ko. And besides, it's not like my routines are hard.
Just like always, I dropped Shadow at the day care. Sa gym agad ang deretso ko matapos.
I started with some stretching and warm ups before starting to work on a machine. I put on my earbuds and it was like being teleported in a different world. Everything around me was a blur. The next hour was a blur.
Nang tumunog ang alarm sa phone ay pinindot ko ang button sa threadmill. Unti-unti itong bumagal hanggang sa tuluyang huminto.
Hinihingal akong bumaba ng treadmill. Tumatagtak ang pawis sa gilid ng noo ko. My entire body was warm from the work out. Pinulot ko ang water bottle sa gilid, pati ang face towel. Inubos ko ang tubig para mapawinang uhaw. Pinunasan ko naman ang pawis sa mukha at leeg ko.
Naglakad na ako papunta sa smoothie bar ng gym. I'll be drinking a protein shake while resting, pagkatapos ay tsaka ako magsho-shower.
I allowed myself to be vain and snapped a photo of me and the smoothie near my cheek. Kita sa shot ang upper attire ko, isang half racerback. My midriff can be seen in the photo. I posted it on my social media accounts and then went back to finishing my smoothie.
May boses ng mga kalalakihan akong narinig na palabas ng gym. Atomatiko naman akong napatingin doon. Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita si Darin sa mga lalaking palabas.
Napahinto rin siya nang makita ako. Bumagsak ang malaking ngiti sa mga labi niya. Nakita ko ang unti-unting pagkawala ng kulay sa mukha niya. Halos mamuti na siya sa pagkaputla.
Sunod kong napansin ang pasa sa kanyang pisngi. It was slightly swelling, too. He also got a fresh cut near his lip. My forehead creased at the state of his face. What happened to him?
I can see the apology and guilt in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to head towards me and say something, but he chose to look away and ignore my presence.
What he did was wrong. His alcohol intake doesn't excuse him from what he did. It's not a valid reason. And being together doesn't give anyone a free pass to force someone into doing something they're not comfortable with.
In spite of that, I am not the type who holds grudges. Kahit na may ginawa siya sa akin, I still forgive him. Kahit na wala pang sorry. Maybe because people who'd already wronged me doesn't really matter to me. May magawa man sila, hindi masakit kaya mas madaling magpatawad.
The amount of hurt that you feel is the same amount of care that you have for whoever inflicted the pain.
I was pulled out of my own thoughts when my suddenly rang. I removed my eyes from Darin's retreating form and picked up my phone.
Parang nabuhay ang dugo ko nang makita ang pangalan ni Mama sa nakailaw na screen. She rarely calls, that's why I can't help but feel excited everytime she does.
"Hello, Ma?" masiglang bungad ko rito.
"Kenna, do you have plans tonight?" mahinahon na tanong niya.
"Wala po. Why?"
"Bianca will be coming home this afternoon. Magkakaroon ng dinner sa bahay. Pwede kang pumunta kung gusto mo," sabi nito. Unti-unting lumaki ang ngiti sa mukha ko.
"I'll go po!" agaran na sagot ko.
"Okay. I'll see you later."
"Yes, Ma. B—" hindi ko pa natatapos ang sasabihin ay naputol na agad ang tawag.
Ganoon naman palagi si Mama kapag kausap ko. And like always, it stung. But then the infliction didn't last because of the event later. We have a family dinner!
My day passed with a big smile on my face. The upward curve on my lips never ceased, even when one of my professors surprised us with a long quiz. I was able to wing it.
Nang dumating na ang dismissal ay halos hindi na ako mapakali. Mamayang gabi pa ang dinner pero kating-kati na ako umuwi. Pagkasundo kay Shadow mula sa day care ay iyon agad ang ginawa ko.
I walked around the estate with Shadow to pass time. Hinayaan ko pa siyang makipaglaro sa ilang aso na nasa park malapit sa basketball court. Naging mabagal ang oras kaya nakuha ko pang mag-ayos ng website. I even got a new order. It was the customized order that a customer asked me to sketched for her. She wants it. I sent her an e-mail, asking for two weeks before I can have it delivered.
Nang mag six na ay naligo ako. Shadow doesn't need to be bathed. Alam kong inasikaso na siya sa day care. I'll be bringing him with me. Hindi ko naman siya pwedeng iwan sa bahay. I can't stand the thought of him alone. May maids sa bahay kaya doon ay mababantayan siya.
The gates were already opened when I reached my mother's place. Nakabukas na ang gate ngunit dahil dalawa lang ang parking space ay sa tapat ng drive way ko lang ihininto ang sasakyan.
Napangiti ako pagkalabas ng sasakyan. Kinuha ko muna ang cake na binili ko mula sa backseat bago binuksan ang pinto para kay Shadow. Hindi man lang ito natinag sa pagkakahiga sa upuan. Damn, this lazy dog.
"Come on, Shadow. We're here," aya ko at mas nilakihan ang pagkakabukas ng pinto para bumaba na siya.
He didn't bark. He just blankly looked at me. Grabe talaga.
"Shadow," I scolded. The lazy dog just looked away.
I pinched my nose bridge, letting out a sigh in complete distress. I'm not even surprised. Hindi ko alam kung saan nagmana ang isang ito sa sobrang katamaran.
Sa huli ay ako na ang nag-adjust. Yumuko ako para buhatin siya mula sa seat. Inilapag ko rin siya para hayaan siyang maglakad mag-isa. I don't wanna keep on spoiling him.
I walked and whistled, a command that Shadow knows. He followed me as I approached the main door. Nang huminto ako ay huminto rin siya.
I don't have a key, so, I rang the doorbell twice. Ilang saglit lang ay binuksan iyon ng maid na hindi ko kakilala. She's new, I guess.
"Ma'am Kenna po?" tanong nito sa akin.
"Yes."
"Ay, mabuti naman po! Nagsta-start na po sila magdinner."
Biglang nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Already? I'm pretty sure I'm not late. "Kanina pa?"
"Ngayon-ngayon lang po. Nagugutom na raw po kasi si Ma'am Bianca." napangiwi siya nang sumagot ngunit nang maalala kung sino ang kausap ay pilit siyang ngumiti. "Ako na po ang magdadala ng cake."
"No." Bumaba ako at binuhat si Shadow gamit ang isang braso. Inabot ko si Shadow palapit sa kanya. "Can you take care of Shadow? He's kinda... aggressive around Bianca."
"Naku, okay lang po, Ma'am." Malaki ang ngiti niya nang kunin si Shadow mula sa akin.
I thanked her and went inside the house. Mabilis ang bawat hakbang ko patungo sa dining room. They were laughing when I reached the area. I stopped from walking and stared at them. For some reason, I couldn't speak and announce my presence. They looked so happy. I didn't want to interrupt and ruin the moment.
Bianca's bright and happy eyes accidentally met mine. The big smile on her lips slowly vanished. The light in her eyes seemed to dim, too. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng panlalamig.
Our parents noticed how Bianca went still and quiet. Sabay silang napatingin sa kinatatayuan ko. My mother's brows raised at the sight of me.
"Oh, you're here," she flippantly acknowledged.
I smiled a bit before walking towards the table. I greeted and kissed my mother. Sumunod ay si Tito. Huli akong nakipagbeso kay Bianca na bumalik na ang ngiti sa mukha.
"Hey, Kenna. I missed you!" she happily exclaimed.
My eyebrows raised in surprise. I was about to open my mouth and respond when she turned her head away from my direction and resumed with a story that I didn't get the chance to hear.
"Wash your hands and join us while we're not yet done with our food, Kenna," utos ni Mama na agad ko naman sinunod.
Pumunta ako ng kitchen para maghugas sa sink. Kinuha sa akin ng isa pang maid ang cake para ilagay iyon sa fridge. Nang makapaghugas ng kamay ay bumalik agad ako sa dining area.
Masayang nag-uusap na ulit sila. My heart was light and there's something crawling in my stomach. I was giddy and excited to be a part of this. It's been a while since I ate dinner with someone other than Shadow. Sila Nina naman ay madalas kumakain sa sariling bahay. Sinubukan na nila akong ayain dati pero hindi ko magawang makisali.
Nakangiting umupo ako. Saglit na bumaling ang tingin nila sa akin pero hindi rin nagtagal ay bumalik sila sa masayang usapan.
I started eating, actively listening to the conversation. I tried my best to catch up but I couldn't relate. At hindi rin naman nila napapansin ang pagiging walang imik ko. They never included me in the discussion. It's like I'm not here.
Nasa kalahati pa lang ako ng kinakain nang tinawag na ni Mama ang maid para ikuha sila ng dessert.
"Pati po ba ikaw, Ma'am Kenna?" the maid asked.
"My, can we just eat our dessert in the garden instead? I miss that spot so much," singit ni Bianca kaya hindi ko nagawang sagutin ang maid. Umiling na lang ako at ngumiti. "You don't mind naman to be left here, Kenna, right?"
Napawi ang ngiti ko. I forced myself to swallow the food in my mouth. I swear it felt like I was swalling a rock. Hilaw na ngumiti ako rito. "It's okay. Hindi pa naman ako tapos kumain."
"Great! Sunod ka na lang." malaki ang ngisi na tumayo siya. Nauna na siyang maglakad. Like it's already given that she'll get what she wants.
Tahimik na tumayo si Tito at sumunod sa kanyang nag-iisang anak. Hindi nagtagal ay sumunod na rin si Mama sa pagtayo.
"Sumunod ka na lang pagkatapos mong kumain kung gusto mo, Kenna." she said and left after a beat.
Naiwan akong mag-isa sa hapagkainan. Napatingin ako sa lamesa. Their plates were clean and empty, while I'm still here eating. My grip on the utensils tightened.
I took a deep breath and forced a smile. This is okay. It's okay. I'll just leave after I'm done with dinner.
I heard the familiar bark from the left direction. Agad kong natagpuan si Shadow na tumatakbo palapit sa akin. Pinanupd ko siyang umupo sa gilid ng paa ako. Tumingin siya sa akin at kumahol.
"You wanna eat with me, Shadow?" tanong ko rito.
His tongue went out as he breathed before he barked and went down on the floor. He just stayed there, like he usually does whenever it's dinner time.
"Good boy," I muttered and quickly finished my dinner as Shadow stayed near me.
Nang matapos ay nagpasalamat ako sa maids na nag-uumpisa nang magligpit. I headed to the garden, planning to bid my goodbye, but I ended up watching them from a far. A one happy family. And I'm just an outsider.
Napakagat ako sa labi ko. Tinitigan ko pa sila hanggang sa maisipan na huwag na lang magpaalam.
Nanlulumong umalis ako ng bahay at ng subdivision. I really looked forward to this dinner. I thought everything will be fun and light because I'd be spending it with them... Maybe next time.
My chest feels a little heavy. Parang walang laman ang pakiramdam ngunit mabigat. Nang nasa estate na ako ay tsaka ko lang naisip na ayaw ko pang umuwi. Hindi pa ako inaantok. I was too down to even think of sleep.
Kahit na nasa tapat na ako ng driveway ng bahay ay nilampasan ko iyon para pumunta kung saan. Nang makita ang park ng estate ay naisipan ko na mabuti pang dito na lang.
The stars lit up the sky but it was still dark since already past eight. Kahit gabi ay hindi nakakatakot dito dahil sa bukas na lamp posts at maganda at makukulay na lighting decorations dito. May ilang naglalaro rin sa basketball court kaya panatag ang loob ko.
I whistled, commanding Shadow to follow me to the swing. Umupo ako doon. Umupo rin sa gilid na bahagi si Shadow at pinanuod ako.
The heavy weight pressing down on my chest pressed harder. I stared at the ground and felt a wave of pity for myself. Damn it. I feel so alone.
"No..." Umiling ako para kontrahin ang sarili. "I have you, right, Shadow?"
Shadow let out a low whimper. I bit my lip. I tried but I couldn't stop it. My tears fell. I looked down, hiding my face in shame.
There's no explanation for what I'm feeling right now. Sadness was eating me and I hated it. I hate this feeling. This hopelessness... This uneasiness... I hate it.
My thoughts halted along with my tears when I heard a set of keys being shook. Malapit na malapit lang sa akin ang tunog na iyon kaya agad na umangat ang ulo ko mula sa pagkakayuko.
Nanlaki ang aking mga mata nang makita siya sa harapan ko. Umuwang ang labi ko habang nanatiling nakatingin sa kanya.
"Your keys," sabi nito.
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay niyang nakalahad. Nakita ko ang key holder ko roon kasama ang mga susi.
"T-Thank you." I stood up and took the keys from him. Nakakunot ang noo ni Saint habang nakatitig sa akin, sa mukha ko na basa pa ng mga luha.
Nag-iwas ako sa kanya ng tingin. I can't take his stares. And I certainly can't dodge his intensity by flirting with him because I wasn't in the mood.
"You're crying," he stated.
"I'm not," mabilis na pagtanggi ko.
I slightly turned my body away from him and lifted my hand, planning to wipe the evidence on my cheeks but Saint was able to grab on my forearm and stop me from both turning and wiping my tears away.
Dahil sa pagpigil niya sa akin ay mas nagkalapit na kaming dalawa. Mas kita ko na ang mabibigat at nakakapasong titig niya sa mukha ko. Hindi niya kailanman inalis ang mga mata sa akin. Kahit na nakakuyom ba ngayon ang panga niya na para bang galit.
"S-Stop staring at me like that," I complained. He ignored.
My breath silently hitched when Saint slowly lifted his hand to my face. His warm and manly hand gently held my wet cheek. His thumb grazed underneath my eye, wiping the tear there. His eyes were on his working hand, focused at his current task.
Bumitaw ang kamay niya mula sa braso ko. Umangat din iyon palapit sa kabilang pisngi ko. Pinunasan niya rin ang luha mula roon.
A hard and painful clench awakened my heavy chest. It's like his touch triggered something in me. It activated my tears and I didn't bother to stop it from falling.
"Kenna..." parang nahihirapan na bulong niya. Suminghap siya at hinawakan ang braso ko, ang isa naman ay pumulupot sa bewang ko. Dahan-dahan niya akong hinila palapit hanggang sa makulong niya na ako sa mainit niyang bisig.
My chest was squeezing painfully and throbbing in an enthusiastic way. I didn't get what I was feeling. It was a combination of both.
I closed my eyes and let him hug me. I've never been comforted by someone other than my friends before. I've never been hugged this way before. The one filled with warmth... The one you can call home.
What am I talking about?
I mentally shook my head, disapproving of the ideas that were swirling in my mind.
"You've been rescuing me a lot lately..." I mumbled against his chest, I meant it to be flirty but it sounded too soft and frail in my ears.
Saint's arms tightened around me. My heart did the same.
"I can't help it..." he whispered. "You make me want to take care of you."