Aries: Bernie's cult followers
Taurus: Ben Carson falling asleep during a debate
Gemini: Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio yelling at each other in Spanish
Cancer: The girl who cried over Donald Trump
Leo: Donald Trump bullying everyone
Virgo: Martin O'Malley dropping out and telling everyone to vote Bernie
Libra: Rand Paul's poodle hair
Scorpio: The rise of edgy teen socialists who swear that communism works in theory and Marx was a god
Sagittarius: FBI investigating Hillary Clinton on possible treason charges
Capricorn: Hillary Clinton trying to be #relatable to young teens
Aquarius: Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer
Pisces: Jeb! dropping out