Limit Thirty Five: When He Cries
(8th Force – Xena)
♪I love the way it feels when you touch my hand
Don’t wanna let you go
I love the way you say that I am your man♪
“Oy tigil mo na ‘yan. Nakakarami ka na. Kapag hindi ka nagising ng maaga bukas, dedo ka sa’min.” Banta ko kay Rey na malamang eh hindi niya pakikinggan.
Ipinagpatuloy lang niya ang marathon niya sa alak. Nakita kong nag-smirk si Eric bago uminom ng beer niya. “You have the guts to do that with Sky. Wow, man. You’re just… unbelievable.”
“Shut up.”
Nagkatinginan kami ni Savier. He shrugged his shoulders bago umorder ng isa pang round ng whiskey. Tsk. Mga taong ‘to. Walang kwenta pagdating sa pagpapagaan ng loob ng kapwa nila.
“Oy Rey, seryoso nga. Tumigil ka na, di naman makakatulong ang alak. Malasing ka man galit pa rin sa’yo si Sky kinabukasan.” Gano’n ang magpagaan ng loob. :P XD
“Stop shoving that to my face, I already know! It’s not my fault that I crave for her too much that I showed it the wrong way at the wrong place and time. I just don’t wanna see her so freakin’ mad at me.”
“Expect more to come.” Sabi ni Eric. “I’m sure she’s now after us or after you for that matter. Malamang nga nag-uumpisa na ‘yang dalawang ‘yan para mag-imbestiga. I know Amber very well. We gave them reasons to suspect us. And now they’re going to suspect us. You’re a politician. ZAFT has had a pretty numerous persons on the list that they oust from position. Lahat ay gawa ng mga matitinik nilang agent. So kung ayaw mong mabiktima ng isa, stop being an asshole and tell her everything.”
“Galit na siya sa’kin ngayon, ano pa kung sinabi ko ang totoo?”
♪Don’t understand why we can’t go on and go on
Don’t understand why
You don’t belong in my arms♪
“Ibabaon ka lang niya sa lupang may ten feet na lalim.” Takte Gino di ka nakakatulong. -____- “Pero seryoso, di naman siguro magagalit sa’yo ‘yon ng husto kung sasabihin mo talaga ang totoo. At least you were honest. If by case eh layuan ka niya pagkatapos nu’n, habulin mo na lang ulit. It’s really the same reaction we all had when you told us. You’re honestly just plain creepy, Rey. But we understood because we saw it was love. Maiintindihan rin niya ‘yon.”
“Paano kung hindi? Paano kung mag-iba ang tingin niya sa’kin? Pa’no kung lalo siyang magalit? Paano kung—”
“You won’t get anything by wasting your time fidgeting with the what ifs.” Pigil ko sa mga sinasabi niya.
“I’m just scared.”
“That’s always the problem with you, Rey. First, you set your boundary away from Sky because you’re too scared that you might fall harder this time but you still screw that boundary you made yourself. And then you chose to simply hurt her and kick her out because you’re too scared to fight side by side with her but still, one accidental meeting and you’re running after her again. Then this. You won’t tell her anything and you let her dig down which… will eventually come into fruition, because you’re too scared of what would her reaction be. Isipin mo nga. Paano kung malaman niya mismo ang totoo? Tingin mo hindi siya lalong magagalit sa’yo? Tingin mo iiwas lang siya basta-basta without slapping the fact to your face that you enraged her for keeping big booming secrets like that?”
I have a point, don’t I? Sa pagkakakilala ko kay Sky, hindi naman niya magagawang matakot na lang ng basta-basta sa mga taong kilala niya. Especially that it was Rey. Pwede siyang magalit pero hindi siya matatakot at lalayo ng basta-basta. At lalo lang siyang magagalit sakaling malaman niya ang totoo na hindi galing kay Rey mismo.
Dapat talaga sabihin na niya bago pa mahuli ang lahat at maunahan siya ni Sky o kaya eh ng ibang may galit sa kanya. Gaya na lang ‘yang si Leila. Paano kapag napuno ‘yan sa kanya? Edi patay siya.
“All I want right now is her.”
“Eh pa’no ka?” counter agad ni Gino. “Paano ‘yang posisyon mo? Are you ready to take the risk, Rey?”
“I don’t care with anything. I just want her. It’s too painful to live like this. Ayoko nang matakot. Ayoko nang… ayoko nang lumayo siya sa’kin.”
♪And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea? ♪
Sa wakas. Akala ko kailangan pang may mabugbog sa kanya bago siya magising. “And so what is your problem?”
“I don’t know how she can understand what I want to say. Hindi n’yo ba naririnig lahat ng sinasabi niya? Akala niya ginamit ko lang siya, akala niya laro lang ang lahat, akala niya wala lang ‘to. How can I make her understand that it’s not what she think it is when she’s… so fixed with the idea?”
“That’s very simple. Show her the real Rey Ashton. Show her the real you. Hindi yung Rey Ashton na tumatayo sa harapan ng marami, yung naka-suit at sumasagot ng maraming tanong na wala namang kinalaman sa kung paano ka nabubuhay kundi yung Rey Ashton na naka-polo shirt at ragged jeans na nagsasalita lang just to say things he wanted her to hear. Hindi yung Rey Ashton na tumutulong sa iba kundi yung Rey Ashton na nabubuhay para lang sa kanya. Hindi yung Rey Ashton na sobrang tapang sa harapan ng marami kundi yung Rey Ashton na natatakot na mawala siya anumang oras. Ipakita mo sa kanya yung Rey Ashton na para lang sa kanya. Sa kanya mo sabihin lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman n’yang nasa dibdib mo. And then you’ll see, she might think about being with you for real.”
Hurrah Xena! You did it again. Yipee.
Yuck. -____-
(9th Force – Skylar)
I watched their shocked and puzzled faces nang makita nila akong nakasandal sa kotse ko sa may parking area. I took a deep brief breathe bago ilabas ang badge ko at ipakita kay Gino Ruiz. “ZAFT first class, can I invite you to the quarters? I just have a couple of questions for you.”
“What?” agaw ni Erinne. “Wait, teka. Teka lang! Bakit si Gino? Anong problema mo, Sky? Bakit si Gino?”
“Sandali lang, Serinna ko, huminahon ka. Hindi naman ako kakatayin eh. May itatanong lang raw.” yeah, he said it. =___=
“Pero—”
“Hime.” And that’s Rey’s warning tone.
“Fine!”
♪Now I can’t spend my life standing by
Cause even if I miss you
You’re still not missing me♪
I stepped aside para paunahin sa paglalakad si Gino. Sinundan ko siya afterwards. I preferred to have him in my car kesa mag-convoy pa kami. Hindi sa feeling ko eh tatakasan ako ni Gino. Hindi niya gagawin ‘yon. Sadyang mas convenient lang sa tingin ko ang gano’n.
“So… desidido ka talagang pabagsakin kami?” lechugas. -___-++
“It’s not what I’m aiming, you can relax your ass, buddy. Well not unless this mission points to your group as the… aggressor then perhaps…” I’ll let you guys finish that. ^__<
Hindi na nagkaroon pa ng pagkakataon si Gino na makapagsalita nang marating namin ang ZAFT. As usual diretso sa investigatory. Suki na kaya ako dito. Lagi na lang may dinadala. Ang bagal nga lang umusad ng kaso.
Kusang naupo si Gino sa silya. Sinarado ko ang pintuan bago ko siya pagtuunan ng pansin at tanungin.
“You’re the one that made the shutter into fruition, correct?”
Tumango siya. “Yes, I am.”
“Natatandaan mo ba kung kanino mo huling naipaubaya ang formula ng shutter? Nasa’yo pa rin ba ‘yon?”
“Mafia’s laboratory was destroyed by Ripper before in the era of Doom’s infiltration which means everything we generates and invented was also destroyed.”
“You mean… kahit ang formula ng shutter ay nawala? Nasira?”
“There’s one actually. Parts of chimera’s formula are stolen, the reversal is given to one of the panel before kaso patay na. But still, kumalat pa rin ‘yon. Glad that it’s now neutralized by Serinna and Xena. Then if my recollection is perfectly right, nai-surrender ko ang nag-iisang formula ng shutter na natira sa akin sa isa sa mga head chiefs ng ZAFT, that’s one of our agreement when ZAFT and Mafia came to unification.”
Umarko ang kilay ko. “ZAFT? Kanino?”
“Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, he’s the head Captain for Special Extended Action League. I forgot his name though.”
Note to myself: hanapin ang Captain ng SEAL Department sa main quarters ng ZAFT. Pero nakakalito pa rin. Paano nakawala ang formula ng shutter kung nasa ZAFT na pala? Posible kayang nanakaw ‘yon?
“Salamat sa cooperation. Iyon lang naman. I’ll get back to you kapag kailangan ko ulit ng dagdag na impormasyon.”
Tumayo si Gino at ngumiti sa akin. “Whew. That’s easy. I thought I’ll be sweating. Pero… sakaling kailanganin mo nga ng tulong, just go and give me a ring. I’ll feed you with that.”
“Yeah thanks. Pasensya na sa abala.”
“Well… di tayo gano’n ka-close, Sky, I mean… hindi kasing-close n’yo ni Grey o ni Amber o ni Xena o ni Eric. Pero… pwedeng magtanong?” ang layo ng nailihis niya sa ‘closeness’ na topic. -___-
Tumango na lang ako. “Since naistorbo kita tsaka may pinagsamahan naman tayo, shoot the question.”
“Just curious. Do you ever loved Rey?”
♪It’s funny how my heart just won’t let it go
I just don’t understand
It’s crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side♪
Curious ka nga. Tsismoso. “Wala nang ibang tanong?”
Ngumiti siya. “Okay lang kung ayaw mong sagutin. Naiintindihan naman kita. Mauna na’ko, Sky. May trabaho pa’ko.”
I didn’t said anything but I nodded.
Napabuntong hininga na lang ako nang makaalis si Gino. I’m still busy fidgeting with the facts he told me anyway. Kung paano ko makakausap yung Captain ng SEAL. Kung nasa kanila pa ba yung formula. Kung totoo ‘yang mga sinasabi ni Gino at hindi siya sadyang inutusan lang ni Rey na magsinungaling.
*Beep-beep! Beep-beep!*
Jin calling…
“Yes, hello, Jin?”
“Hey, it’s… me.”
O_____O?
Tinignan ko yung pangalan sa screen. Pangalan naman ni Jin ang nakalagay. “Hala, Jin. Sinapian ka ni Christian? Ba’t ka-boses mo siya?”
“It’s me, Christian. Nakitawag ako sa phone ni Jin.”
Ay. Bwahahaha akala ko sumanib na eh. XD “Well… sira ba phone mo? Akala ko si Jin eh.”
“No, my phone is perfectly fine. Kung gagamitin ko naman ang sarili kong number, I’m pretty sure you won’t be answering the call.”
Nga naman. “Ah ‘kay.”
“Anyway I called just to inform you that we’re in the hospital right now. Ngayon na kasi ilalabas yung result para sa DNA test. Just thought you might wanna come. Okay lang kung hindi.” Tunog-bitter ka, Christian. XD
“Sige, I’ll be in fifteen tutal nasa area na rin naman ako. And oh, Christian, thanks for the call. I’ll see ya’ later.”
“Yeah, I’ll see you.”
Lumabas ako ng investigatory then I hopped to my car. Diretso ako sa Hernandez Medical Hospital na malapit na lang sa area na iyon. Wala pang five minutes ay pumaparada na ako sa car park. When I reached the lobby, si Christian kaagad ang sumalubong sa akin.
Haru jusko, pambihira naman, ba’t ang gwapo nitong nilalang na ‘to? > 0>
“Galing kang trabaho?” usisa niya sa’kin habang naglalakad kami papunta sa kinaroroonan nina Zone at Jin.
“Mm. Did some little investigations.”
Nakita kong saglit siyang nag-isip. Mukhang may itatanong siya pero hindi na niya itinuloy. Wut is that? @.@a
“Sky!” Jin exclaimed upon seeing me then tumayo saka ako niyakap ng pagkahigpit. “Ninenerbyos pa rin ako. Buti dumating ka.”
“Feeling ko napasobra pinainom kong kape sa’yo nung nalason ka kaya tarantahin ka na ngayon.” =____=
“Huh?” @.@
“Di mo tanda?”
“Ang alin?”
Eh? Sasagutin ko sana siya kaso dumating yung doktor na may hawak ng envelope. Tumayo sina Zone at Cris. Napaharap naman kami sa kanila lalo na sa doktor. Christian then took the envelope at kami muna ang tumingin just to make sure. Si Jin ayaw eh. Kinakabahan raw siya.
Hindi naman ako doktor kaya hindi ko naintindihan yung nakasulat sa chart. May X and Y pa tas puro numbers. Nahihilo ako sa numero utang na loob. Kaya nag-skip ako du’n sa conclusion.
The probability of Mr. Hanson Ashton being the biological brother of Jin Kurenai is 99.9999%. Therefore, it is practically proven that Mr. Hanson Ashton is the biological brother of Jin Kurenai.
See? Positive naman eh.
Isinilid ni Christian ang papel pabalik sa envelope at saka iniabot iyon kay Zone. “Maiwan na namin kayong tatlo dito. Lalabas na lang muna kami ni Sky para magkaroon kayo ng pribadong oras at espasyo sa pag-uusap. Sa labas lang kami ng lobby. Sa may garden.”
Tumango sila. Ngumiti si Cris sa’kin at kumaway ng mabilisan bago ako tumalikod pagkatapos ay naglakad kasabay si Christian. Pagdating sa may garden, agaw eksena kasi yung isang mag-syota doon na nakaupo sa park kaso yung babae naka-wheel chair. Mukhang may malalang sakit yung girlash.
But nonetheless they’re sweet. Di ko tuloy mapigilan ang sarili kong hindi mainggit. Wala kasi akong love life. Gun life meron. XD
“I once knew a man who terribly fell in love with a girl so much that it triggers his end.”
♪I can’t deny that you are the love of my life
Ohhh♪
Napatingin ako kay Christian na katabi ko. Nakakunot ang noo ko sa pagtataka. “Excuse me?”
“Nothing. I just thought I’d say that. It’s not a romantic story though but since you’re looking at the couple, naalala ko lang siya.”
“Sinong siya?”
“My brother.”
“Herman? Eh pera lang naman ang mahal nu’n eh.”
Christian chuckled. “Not Herman. I mean my biological brother, he’s older than me by one year. I just remembered what happened years ago.”
“Oh?” wahaw interesting ‘to. “Tell me. Ano ba ‘yun?”
“I was fifteen years old then, he’s seventeen. Dad and Mom used to say that he’s got some problem with his uhm… mental state. If you know what I mean. He started acting strange towards my Mom when he was ten years old. It’s like they have a love and hate relationship. It wasn’t healthy, in fact it scares me. But I completely ignored that seeing that he’s my big brother. And you know brothers, Sky. They stand side by side with each other no matter what. So it started when I was eight years old. He uhm… attempted to kill me but failed to succeed. Since then kinamuhian na siya ng Daddy. Mom still loves him as well as I do pero iba na yung disposisyon ni Dad sa kanya no’n. And then the abuse began when he attempted of throwing an acid to my face. Good luck, I dodge it. But what I didn’t dodged was the stab of the knife in my side.”
“What… the… hell?” 0____0
Itinaas niya ang damit niya sa may tagiliran. Automatic na nakita ko ng malinaw ang pahabang marka ng sugat doon. Napamura ako ng wala sa oras. “I never forgot that moment. Iyon ang kauna-unahang pagkakataon na natakot ako sa sarili kong kapatid. I was fifteen, Sky, I don’t know what to do. My Dad locked him in the basement. He’s not allowed to go out. I always come down by the morning to check on him but a little girl probably six or seven or eight years old came down there one day and started bringing my brother some foods. Simula no’n araw-araw ko na siyang nakikita do’n. He’s feeding my brother without my parents’ knowing. I thought it was good because he does seem to like her. Pero hindi ko inakalang lalong makakasama ‘yon sa sitwasyon.”
Napalunok ako nang huminto siya. Tumingin siya sa’kin. “As it turns out, Mom figured he’s obsessed with the little girl. I don’t blame my brother though. He needs someone to love him, he found that in the form of a kid. Then one tragic day, he got out of the basement. Hindi namin alam kung paano. Nalaman na lang namin na kinidnap niya yung bata. He kept her captive for two freakin’ weeks in a crack house back in Sheffield. Police then captured him and they retrieved the kid. Then my Mom died because of the kid’s family’s pressure on us, galit sila sa kapatid ko dahil sa ginawa niya. Then Dad became a drinking bastard, he sold me to the Harcourts after. Then he vanished. There you go, my family’s tragic history.”
“I’m… sorry.” Eh iyon na lang ang nasabi ko. Kumakabog na kasi ng sobrang lakas ang dibdib ko dahil sa guilt. Hindi rin biro ang pinagdaanan neto ni Christian. Elibs.
“I didn’t tell you the story dahil humihingi ako ng awa. I had enough of that when I was a kid and I practically hate it. Gusto ko lang malaman mo kung anong klaseng pamilya ang pinanggalingan ko.”
Wala akong nagawa o nasabi kundi ang tumango. Nakaka-guilty. Sinong mag-aakala na si Christian Harcourt eh may gano’ng nakaraan?
XxxxX
It’s past ten in the evening pero hindi pa rin ako nakakatulog. Naubos ko na nga ang isang one point five na coke sa ref ko pero eto, nakaupo pa rin ako sa couch at nagta-trabaho. Kaines. Isa pa ‘yang si Christian hindi rin mawala sa isip ko eh. Lumaki siya sa magulong pamilya tas nalipat sa Harcourt na isa ring magulong pamilya.
I’m surprised hindi pa siya nasisiraan ng bait.
*Ding! Dong!*
Natigilan ako. Tumayo ako mula sa couch para tignan sa intercom kung sinong nagdo-doorbell kaso tinatamad na ako kaya sa bintana na’ko sumilip. At nalaglag po ang panga ko. “Anong ginagawa ni Rey Ashton dito ng disoras ng gabi?” o.O
Na-realize kong hindi naman ako sasagutin ng bintana kaya binuksan ko ang pintuan ko at bumaba ng eksaktong thirty five staircases ko para marating ang gate ng bahay ko. Binuksan ko ‘yon at agad-agad ay naamoy ko ang alak kay Rey. “Were you drinking?”
Tumango lang siya at hindi sumagot. Sinamahan ko siya papasok ng bahay. “Ang layo naman ng pagkakaligaw mo. District Three sa District Seven?”
“Sinadya talaga kita.”
“Fair enough. So feel at home, what do you want?”
“Coffee.” Then he smiled briefly at me.
Pumunta ako sa kusina para magtimpla ng kape. Kanya lang, di ako pwedeng mag-kape kahit gustuhin ko. Gusto ko na ring matulog noh. Kaya nga tinatapos ko na ‘yang pesteng trabaho na ‘yan eh.
“Here’s your coffee.” Pagkatapos ay inilapag ko ang tasa sa center table.
“You have a nice wide home.”
Napangiti ako habang umuupo sa couch na inuupuan ko kanina. “I know, I get that a lot. Very comfy yet alluring.”
“Yah, suits you so much.”
“So what brings you here? And alone?” kasi nga naman, usually may kasama siyang alipores. Pero ngayon wala talaga.
He looked down, para siyang biglang nagkainteres sa sahig. Hanep ah. May sine sa sahig ko? “I… I want to talk to you.”
“About?” o.O
“About… about us, Sky.”
♪And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to see?
Now I can’t spend my life standing by
Cause even if I miss you you’re still not missing me♪
By instinct tumayo na ako. I’m touchy pagdating sa subject na ganyan. Ayoko na munang nakakarinig ng mga pambobola. Pakiramdam ko kasi lagi na lang akong napaglalaruan. Ni hindi ko na nga alam kung anong totoo eh. “You can now go, Rey, kung sakaling tapos ka nang mag-kape. Wala tayong pag-uusapan.”
He clenched his jaw bago tumayo at humakbang papalapit sa akin. “Alam kong ayaw mong pag-usapan pero hindi habambuhay iiwasan nating mapunta do’n lahat ng usapan! We need to talk about this.”
“Wala na nga tayong pag-uusapan, Rey eh. Ang kulit mo naman. Umalis ka na!”
“Don’t do this to me.” he pleaded, I can sense the begging. “Sandali lang, bigyan mo lang ako ng pagkakataon para magsalita. Kahit ilang minuto lang, mag-usap tayo. Yung ikaw at ako lang. Hindi tungkol sa ibang tao, hindi sa lahat ng opinyon nila. Yung sa atin, Sky. Mag-usap tayo.”
I shook my head at humakbang na ng tatlo para bumalik sa kwarto ko at hayaan siya sa sala when I was stopped dahil sa sinabi niya.
“Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko.” lumingon ako at nakita kong nakalagay ang dalawa niyang kamay sa ulo niya. He raked his fingers through his hair habang nilalamukos ang mukha niya. He’s so much frustrated. “Masisiraan na ako ng ulo, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko! Why won’t you listen? Mahirap bang makinig?”
“Just… just stop the trouble and then just go. Simple.”
Tumingin siya sa kawalan ng mga ilang segundo bago muling tumayo mula sa kanyang kinauupuan. Tumingin siya sa mga mata ko. His eyes were watering. And I was surprised nang bigla na lang siyang napaluhod. Hindi ko alam kung sinasadya niya ‘yon. But all along, naka-focus lang sa akin ang lens niya. Nakanganga lang ako na hindi malaman kung anong gagawin.
“Nagkamali ako. Alam ko, inaamin ko ‘yon. Maling-mali ako! Duwag ako, tanga, bobo, I’m a fvcking stupid excuse of a man! Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong bigyan ng tsansa ulit. Ang dami kong sinayang. Ang tanga-tanga ko dahil pinakawalan kita na parang nagpapalit lang ng damit. Gano’n kabilis. I was sorry. I can apologize for that for so many times but all I want now is the chance to do so.”
Pilit kong itinatatak sa isipan ko na hindi ako pwedeng bumigay sa kanya kahit pa makita ko siyang umiiyak. He’s a man, he can hold off his tears. They don’t cry anyway. “Rey, tumayo ka na d’yan. Marami akong trabaho, kailangan kong tapusin lahat ng ‘to. Wala akong oras para sa’yo.”
At that moment, pakiramdam ko sumaksak ako ng isang tao na walang kalaban-laban. It was written all over in his face. He’s hurting. “I never thought I’d be hearing that from you. And honestly… I never thought there would be a thing that’ll hurt like this more than it hurts me before.”
“Crap, Rey, stop it! Stop this! Tapos na tayo, you BROKE UP with me already!”
“I NEVER MEANT TO!” and I was real jumpy nang makita kong tumulo ang pamilyar na likido na hindi ko akalaing makikita kong manggagaling sa mga matang pag-aari ng isang Rey Ashton. “When I broke up with you, saw you turn your back on me, I instantly wanted to grab your hand and pull you close to me. I wanted to tell you to forget what I said, that I’m only being foolish, that I only wanted to see you get scared of the idea as much as it scares the shit out of me. But instead I watched you walk away from me.”
He chuckled lifelessly after niyang lumunok habang nakakuyom ang mga palad niya. Wala siyang pakialam kung umiiyak siya sa harapan ko ng nakaluhod. I can even swear that he’s forgetting he’s a man right now by the way he do this things like a kid deprived of everything.
“Six months—damn, it felt like centuries. I worked everything with myself. I became successful, I got what I wanted, I’m living the life, I am what I am now. Six months… I’d go out there and forget the ache that eats me within, the fact that I still lie awake every night thinking that you’ll come in from the door and everything’s fine. Six months I was okay. And now you walk back in, tear me apart, crush me to pieces and walk out of my life again! I don’t have anything more left for me that you hasn’t took away, Sky. I was okay, I used to be okay, but I don’t want everything, I never wanted anything that isn’t you. I can give up everything… just take me back please…”
♪And I still cry for you
And I still die for you
I can’t believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can’t believe that you’d throw it all away♪
Para akong nabingi nang mga oras na ‘yon. Tipong gusto kong ipaulit sa kanya kung anong sinabi niya. Baka kasi di ko narinig ng maayos. Pakiramdam ko mali ako ng dinig. Siguro nga mali lang ako ng dinig. Siguro rin nga nagha-hallucinate ako kaya kung anu-anong nakikita ko. Nababaliw na siguro ako.
“Sky…”
“Goodnight, Rey.” Tumalikod na ako ng tuluyan.
“Do you know how this hurts? *sobs* Do you know… do you know how fvcking this thing hurts! This is so uncool. This is not me, this is not who I should be! If you hate me this much… if you really don’t love me… can’t… can’t you force yourself to learn to do so? Is there no any other way for you to love me? Kahit konti lang? Kahit konting-konti lang, Sky?”
Nang mga oras na ‘yon, naitanong ko sa sarili ko. Nasabi ko ba kay Rey kung gaano ko siya kamahal? Nasabi ko ba sa kanya noon kung gaano ko siya mahal na mahal? Hindi eh. Hindi ko nasagot yung sinabi niya noon, nung sinabi niyang mahal niya ako. Hindi ko sinagot ‘yon. Natakot rin ako na baka hindi totoo. Hanggang ngayon natatakot pa rin ako.
Natatakot akong lingunin siya dahil baka hindi ko siya makayang tikisin kapag nakita ko siya. Pero sadyang may sarili na atang isip ang puso ko. It screamed at me, saying I should turn around. And I did. Just to see him wiping his tears with the back of his hand so roughly.
This isn’t the typical Rey Ashton. The nonchalant one. Ito yung lalaking nakakasama ko sa iisang kama, ito yung lalaking nakikita ko sa umaga na mahigpit na nakayakap sa akin because he’s too afraid na magising kaming pareho and then it’s time to separate ways because of his job. Ito yung lalaking madalas mag-kwento ng mga panaginip niya, ng mga gusto niya, ng mga bagay na sinisigaw ng puso niya. Ito yung lalaking hindi kayang tumagal ng isa o dalawang araw sa kwarto niya dahil gusto niya kasama ako. Ito yung lalaking hindi kayang matulog kapag wala ang presensya ko.
Ano bang pumasok sa isip ko at hindi ko siya nakita? Sa sobrang takot ko ba, nagiging duwag ako sa nararamdaman ko? Nagiging bulag ako sa mga bagay na dapat ay nakikita ko? Dahil ba itinuring kong isang malaking boundary ang nakaraan ko kay Rey, nawalan na ako ng kakayahang makita ang tunay na siya? Yung siya na mahal na mahal ako kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng iba?
Prinotektahan ka lang niya, Sky. Ginawa niya ‘yon dahil prinotektahan ka niya.
“It’s not the proper way to wipe your tears.”
Tinawid ko ang ilang hakbang papunta sa kanya bago ako umupo sa sahig at lumebel sa kinaluluhuran niya. Inalis ko ang kamay na pinupunas niya sa luha niya and I wiped the tears myself.
“Sky?”
“Mm?”
“It… it still hurts.”
Namura ko ang sarili ko dahil hindi ko napigilang umiyak bago siya yakapin ng mahigpit. “There. Still hurts?”
♪And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to see?
Now I can’t spend my life standing by
Cause even if I miss you you’re still not missing me♪
He snaked his arms around my waist at kinabig ako ng mahigpit. Pakiramdam ko gusto niya akong durugin. His face was buried into my right shoulder like he breathes in there while he sobs silently. “I hate myself. I really… really hate myself.”
“Ssshhh. No, don’t. Don’t say that.”
“I’ll always hate myself, you don’t love me either. The only difference is that you don’t hate me. You just simply… don’t love me.”
“Who says that?” kumalas agad ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya. Ayaw niyang bumitaw but then I cupped his face with both my hands and I lift it up to meet his gaze. “That’s so not true. Why do you think I’ll be here kung hindi kita mahal? Rey, mahal kita. Sobrang mahal kita kaya h’wag mong sasabihing galit ka sa sarili mo. Ayokong maririnig ‘yon, nasasaktan ako.”
The last teardrop fell nang ilapit niya ang mukha niya sa’kin as he crashes his soft lips to mine. This feeling never grows old. I can never get used to the electric feeling that he sends to me. In this arms is where I belong. In his arms is where I’ll always find my home.
Dear Sasame,
Bakit ba hindi ko siya matiis? Bakit ba hindi ko kayang matiis na makita siyang umiiyak at nakaluhod sa harapan ko, nakikiusap na tanggapin ko siya ulit? Hindi lang ako ang pwedeng magmahal sa kanya pero bakit parang ako lang ang gusto niyang magmahal sa kanya that in an instant, he shuts his world off from the people who wants his attention and his heart?
Sincerely,
Fallen
P.S
My heart simply died when I saw him cry. I’ll never ever ever ever let him cry again like that no matter what.
***
Condolence Team SkyTian. You are not meant to be. XD Oh well, sinong kayang tikisin si Rey Ashton? Meron ba? Meron? Hinahamon ko ang may kaya! Kasi ako hindi. XD Anywhoooo ansabeh daw ng quotable quotes ni Rey? Mouhahaha :3
Vote and Comment, caras, don't forget! :D
-HR na nagluluksa sa isang tabi dahil upset ang asawa sa pagkatalo kay Orton Y_Y