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~Jacob~
I hung up the phone and I couldn’t help but feel something was wrong. My girlfriend’s voice sounded exactly as it did a month ago and that definitely scared the shit out of me.
Was I just imagining things or was it real? Could she be in trouble? Then there was that feeling I got whenever she was lying to me and I was seldom wrong.
But everything’s been so damn perfect! Nothing could’ve happened that would’ve hurt her since the last time I saw her. Yesterday.
That’s because nothing wrong. I can’t blame myself for worrying excessively about Evelyn when she had been hurt so badly just weeks ago. She was still hurt but she was healing and of that I was sure.
I’ll just call her later and see if she’s alright.
Everything’s fine, Jake. You just worry too fucking much...
~Cynthia~
Evelyn shook, sobbed, trembled, and cried in my arms and there was barely nothing I could do to stop myself from doing the same.
Even though I cried just as much as she was, my pain was nothing compared to hers. My little girl had a burden I had never even thought of experiencing in all my life. When my husband had died a part of did so as well but the pain had never been inflicted on me.
I had never known what it was like to suffer from a gradually life-killing disease.
I had never known what it was like to be taken of my innocence against my will, helpless and hurt.
I had it easy.
There was no doubt inside of me that if I could trade places with my suffering daughter, I would.
It was torturing to see her suffer and not be able to do anything but hold and soothe her. Yet it was not as torturing as being the one who had to be held.
My sixteen year old daughter was crumbling apart in my arms but I wouldn’t let her break. God dammit, I would never let her break! She’s going to be fine and I’ll be damned if she isn’t.
For what seemed like hours, I held my little girl in my arms and soothed her until she stopped those mind-breaking sobs and became still.
I was even more terrified to see her so numb and motionless.
“Evelyn?” She stared beyond her.
“Sweetie? Evelyn talk to me.” Nothing.
I shook her.
“Evelyn! God dammit! Talk to me!” She blinked and turned her head sideways so that she was looking at me with dark and droopy eyes. They didn’t seem hazel colored but like a dark almost-black grey.
“What?” Fear trickled my spine and goosebumps rose from my skin at her voice. She sounded dead and her eyes signified a sense of hopelessness. It was breaking me apart.
I have to be strong for her. Hell, I have to be strong for both of us!
“Everything will be fine, Ev. Don’t give up hope. Life throws obstacles at us all the time but we learn to make the best out of things and keep living our lives. We learn to make them beautiful.” I wiped the tears away from her face but she remained the same.
“It’s funny how you said everything would be fine when I got raped but it’s getting sort of hard to believe that anymore.” She held no emotion but just stared behind me. I hated to hear that word so much that I flinched.
“Don’t say that! We’ll make it through anything even if it almost kills me. Trust me, sweetie, please. Don’t lose hope.” I unwillingly let a tear fall from my eyes.
It seemed my words had registered inside of Evelyn’s mind because she seemed human again. Her eyes weren’t happy but they held something in them. She didn’t look hopeless anymore and her body had made the slightest movement indicating she was here, not just her body.
“How?” She whispered and a sharp inflict of pain tugged at me.
“We’re going to stick with each other through everything. You’re not alone, Evelyn. You have people that love you. Do you see the way that boy looks at you? Do you not feel how much I love you? All you have to do is keep moving. Just move along with life and make the best out of it. I’ll be with you all along.”
Evelyn’s lips pulled up into a small smile and a tear rolled down her cheek. I wiped it away and she hugged me.
“I love you.” I whispered into my daughter’s ear.
“I love you too, Mom.”
And we hugged each other until we had the strength to pull away.
“You know what we have to do, right?” I whispered.
“Mhm.” She didn’t talk but hummed a mere reply.
“Then let’s get it out of the way.” I held out my hand and offered her a small smile. She nodded and took my hand while I got her up on her feet.
***
My daughter and I were sitting in the silent car as I drove to the hospital. There was no use in making an appointment. I was an obstetrician and knew people of the field. It just so happened my close friend, Hillary, was an ultrasound technician and I had called her in for a head’s up and detailed her in.
She agreed in a heart beat.
I was glad that I could provide Evelyn these commodities that not many others had. People could say it wasn’t fair but in a world like this you have to stick out for yourself and your loved ones. I didn’t regret getting her all the help I was capable of giving.
I pulled into my parking space and looked over at my daughter. Her hand was in her lap but I took it and gave it a tight reassuring squeeze.
Once we were out of the car, we walked into the familiar building and I was surrounded by my second home.
This place was inscribed into my brain. The white walls and furniture, the chilly atmosphere, the hustling and hurried nurses and doctors. I loved my job because I delivered life into the world everyday. I’d get the satisfaction of seeing the love radiate from parents as they held their newborn child.
Would my little baby deliver a newborn child? How could she when I thought she was still my little girl? The same delicate princess I had given birth to sixteen years ago and nursed ever since? The thought was unsettling.
There was still the hope that the test was wrong. There was always the chance it had screwed up and I knew that more that most people did. My job provided experience and Hillary’s story assured me even more that those tests weren’t a hundred percent accurate. So did the box.
***
~Evelyn~
I was sitting down by my mom on a plastic green chair. She knew the ultrasound technician and the wait would be no more than fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes that felt like a life time! I wanted to get this over with and just go home.
The atmosphere of a hospital had always terrified me. The house of life and death. I remembered how often I’d have to come here for my dad. The memories of him passing in the still white room were enough to make me want to turn around and haul my ass out of here. I missed him so much that it was hurting me to remember.
There was also the stark realization that I’d be seeing a lot more of this place if I was indeed pregnant. Just knowing that had me wanting to break down. I needed Jacob to hold me together.
But what if the test had been wrong? Being a teenager had me experience false alarms from friends. Erica alone had about two. I hated being on the other side when I used to be thankful it was never me with a test in my hand.
So there was a possibility that I’d go home with a relieved smile on my face but for some reason I doubted that.
There was something deep inside of me that whispered no. The chilling whisper that had said the faint possibility was utterly hopeless.
“Evelyn Pearce?” An unfamiliar female voice called my name and my mother took my hand. We stood up and walked together to the room the lady led us to.
Inside it was my mom’s friend Hillary whom I had met once before. Hillary smiled brightly when she saw us and hugged my mother.
“It’s so nice to see you, Cyn!” She greeted
“Same here, Hill!” They pulled apart and my mom’s friend smiled at me.
“Wow! She’s so beautiful, Cynthia and my, my, my she’s grown since the last time I saw her. A beautiful young woman.” She hugged me.
“Thanks.” I smiled.
“Alright, well, let’s get this done.” I felt comfortable around her. I appreciated that she didn’t hover and was straight to the point. ‘Let’s get this done’ was exactly what I was thinking.
I lay down on the green leather hospital bed and my mom took a a seat on a rolling chair beside me while Hillary sat by the ultrasound monitor.
“Alright, Evelyn, this will be quite simple. I’ll be putting some gel on your stomach that’s kind of cold and you just sit there and relax.” Hillary’s easy going personality was soothing. She didn’t see me as just a patient that gave her money but as a person. She wasn’t one of those robotic people who seemed to have no feelings or consideration to how others felt.
I appreciated that she acted human.
My mom took my hand and offered me a smile that I couldn’t give back. The nerves I was feeling in the waiting area were nothing like the ones I was feeling now.
Being in this room made reality way too real. My heart was pounding unevenly, my hands were sweating, and my stomach wanted to burst. I wanted to have Jacob by my side. The feel of his gentle and large hands enveloping mine always calmed me but I wasn’t going to have him here. I needed to put his feelings first and I knew he wouldn’t appreciate this sight.
The bed started to move down and I jumped, startled.
“Sorry.” Hillary smiled and I shook my head.
Once I was laying completely on my back, my mother lifted my shirt over my stomach and an unpleasant cold feeling hit my skin, causing me to jerk. Damn, that thing is freezing! Yet the icy feeling was nothing and I quickly dismissed it.
Something began to roll on my stomach and I knew it had begun. I knew that in just a few minutes the answer would be final and there’s be no more wondering.
I made sure never to look at the monitor screen but at my mother’s face. She was staring at the screen pensively.
Roll. Stop. Roll. Stop. Hillary’s hand would move the probe in various places around my stomach, stopping and continuing in uneven patterns. When would she finish?
I kept staring at my mother’s face for what seemed to be ages until her expression gave away the final answer and my insides screamed at me.
Her eyes widened and then they narrowed, becoming dangerously moist. Her bottom lip quivered and the hand she had around mine, slightly flinched.
They weren’t tears of relief that overwhelmed her eyelids but tears of pain as reality caught onto her. I knew she had the hope that the test was wrong but as she stared at the screen she knew it had been right.
I couldn’t bare to look at the screen even if I knew the answer.
I unhooked her hand and stepped off of the bed, refusing to meet anyones gaze. The door was closed but I opened it quickly and stepped out into the hall.
My eyes were growing most but I wasn’t going to cry here. No way in hell would I break up in public and cause a scene. There was absolutely no way that I’d show strangers how vulnerable and weak I was at the moment.
So I stepped out of the office and into a hall were other doors stood in an endless line. There weren’t many people out.
I rested my head and back against the wall, making sure that it could support my weight because I wasn’t sure I could.
My legs were threatening to cave out beneath me and my knees had the urge to buckle so that I’d snap like a twig. I fought against the trembling and stood there until my mother came out of the room.
She looked at me with a tear stricken face and opened her mouth to speak but I gently hushed her.
I wanted to get out the hospital and fast without doing anything rash. There was no way I could do that if we got too into the matter. If she wanted to talk she’d have to wait until we were home because this hospital wasn’t going to witness me cry.
I hooked my arm into hers for some sort of support and we began to walk in the direction of elevator.
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As I say: It get's better so please don't abandon this story. (: