I had awakened in Lauren’s arms; head snuggled into the crack of her neck. It was difficult to fall asleep. How could it be easy when my heart was pounding noisily and out of pace? How could it have been easy when Lauren’s fingers played with the ends of my hair as she slowly fell asleep? It wasn’t easy because it was all a constant reminder. It was a constant reminder that it all wasn’t real. It was a constant reminder of my dying longing for it to bereal, to be meaningful. For the both of us, and not just for me. I wished she were sober, I wished that it meant something. But in reality, I knew that today… she’ll complain about her hang over and it’ll be like last night never happened. I wasn’t completely sure as to whether I hoped Lauren would remember last night or not. I wondered if she remembered how she pressed her body against mine, and attached those soft lips on my neck. I wondered if she remembered how she made me moan, how she made me feel, just by that one simple touch. I wondered if she remembered everything I said to her. Oh dear god, I hope not. I’ll seem pathetic. I am pathetic.
However if she didn’t remember a thing, I didn’t want her to wake up to this. She’ll get the wrong idea, and I didn’t want her to. I tried slipping away, but it was too late.
“Camz?” She cutely rubbed her eyes, and rapidly blinked to clear her vision.
She looked so sweet, innocent, sleepy but beautiful. “G’morning.” I half smiled.
“Good morning,” she responded, bafflement visible in her face. She bit her lower lip, and for a moment she looked nervous. She gulped, “Fuck, my head.” She said it like she was relieved she didn’t forget to say it.
Here come the hangover complaints. All there’s left is the answer to whether she remembers or not. “Do you want me to get you anything?” I asked.
“Nah, it’s okay.” She answered.
If she didn’t remember, that would mean her last memory of us was me yelling at her. Fuck. As if on cue, she said, “So, I’m guessing we talked it out, or…?” And my suspicions were answered; she doesn’t remember.
“You don’t remember anything?” I had to be reassured.
“I rem- uh, no, I don’t really remember anything.” She stammered.
I respectfully nodded, and sat silently. I was sitting cross-legged, and she stared at me, like she thought I was going to continue.
“Well?”
“What?” I responded.
“Like, what happened?”
“Not a lot,” I lied, “You threw up here and there, but other than that it was just usual drunkenness.” I mentally pat myself on the back for my ace acting skills.
A small smile grew on her face, but it was instantly fought away. “Oh.” She coughed, “Um, Camila, like… if I said anything to you yesterday, just like… remember that I say things I don’t mean when I’m drunk.”
Yeah, like how she said she loved me or when she asked me to stay or even when she said she was willing to find out what her feelings held. It was meaningless, just like she said. But of course, I wouldn’t tell her that.
—
The afternoon had come along, and we were in the car on our way to an interview. “Hey Camz,” Lauren called out, inserting the AUX wire into her iPod. I turned to look at her, and she had this smug smirk on her lips.
“Yeah?”
“It’s our song.” She said, about to press play. My heart jumped out of my throat, and I was afraid she’d play the song I sang last night; Ashes and Wine by A Fine Frenzy.
But instead, another very familiar beginning’s melodic tunes stormed out of the speakers. I bit my lower lip while a face-eating smile spread across my face. She noticed this smile, and a flash of pride passed her expressions.
She perked her eyebrows up and down with a wink, just as the first verse came along. She didn’t sing along to the verses, but she mouthed them. “I dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life…”
I didn’t think it was possible, but my smile grew even wider. I got the hint, and I mouthed the next line with her. We both held imaginary microphones in our hands. “Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time. Hold still right before we crash, ‘cause we both know how this ends… A clock ticks ‘til it breaks your glass and I drown you in again.”
We moved as though we were on stage, and once the hook came around, we sang aloud together, “’CAUSE YOU ARE… THE PIECE OF ME… I WISH I DIDN’T NEE-EED…” We paused to catch our breaths, and continued to sing at the top of our lungs, “CHASING… RELENTLESSLY, STILL FIGHT AND I DON’T KNOW WHY-Y.” We screamed the ending ‘why’ so loudly, the other girls had to cover their ears.
I shifted in my seat to face her better, knowing the chorus was coming around. “IF OUR LOVE IS TRAGEDY, WHY ARE YOU MY REMEDY?” We both pointed at each other when the word ‘you’ came around, and pointed back to ourselves while singing ‘my remedy’. “IF OUR LOVE’S INSANITY, WHY ARE YOU MY CLARITY?” We yelled louder than ever, repeating our previous actions, before the dance instrumental came and we rocked out our best dance moves.
I ran out of breath, and smiled happily, sinking back into my seat. No matter what mood I was in, those parts of that song always seemed to put me in a good mood. I remember the first time I played it and Lauren beamed, “You like that song, too?” We were still new to being in a band, and it was the first time we exchanged music, and that’s when we realized we had very similar music taste. I smiled to myself remembering the moments with Lauren where I never expected those butterflies in my stomach to turn into a whole fucking jungle.
“Ah,” Lauren sighed happily, “That song never gets old!”
“Your deafeningly loud voices do.” Normani arched her eyebrows.
Lauren and I just laughed, and I realized our friendship was back to normal. Not what I had always wished for, but it was better than not having her in my life at all. I missed how close we used to be before… before I wasted her time with my feelings. I knew it was impossible for me to move on, but I needed to make sure she thought I was. I was tired of giving her the satisfaction of the fact I’m in love with her and she doesn’t feel the same.
Lauren’s POV
I thought that interview would never end. We were back in the house, sitting in the living room. I heaved a heavy sigh as I regretfully let my eyes view the scene in front of me. Camila was whispering things into Normani’s ear, and they were giggling non-stop.
I knew I had absolutely no right to get jealous. Camila wasn’t even mine for me to bejealous. I still wasn’t even sure I had feelings for her! I was just sure there could be feelings. But I just couldn’t stop this feeling from coming; no matter how hard I tried.
God, I hated jealousy. It must’ve been the emotion I loathed the most. It makes you doubt yourself; doubt the love you have for yourself. It makes you feel like you’re not good enough.
Despite everything Camila said last night, she has accepted the fact I don’t feel anything back, and she’s given up. She’s trying to move on, and I hated myself for not letting her fight for me when I had the chance. Would it even be worth it? Because maybe I truly don’t feel something… right? I’m just so confused. Nonetheless, Camila and I had finally gotten things back to normal – god knows how – but it’s normal again.
“NORMANI.” Camila gasped, after Normani whispered something and threw her head back, laughing. Ally and Dinah had gone to their rooms, and I felt like a third wheel to a couple that were glued to the fucking hip.
I rolled my eyes, “I’m gonna go take a shower.” I lied. Damn, I really need to stop doing that.
I stood up, and it was almost as though I was invisible. They nodded their heads, and continued their little giggle-fest.
On my way to my room, I caught Ally’s eye. “Lauren!” She yelled once she saw me.
I groaned. I knew she was going to push me to talk about it. I knew she was going to push me to say things I couldn’t even tell myself. Ally is hypnotizing and it doesn’t take much for her to convince you to tell her what’s on your mind. It feels like you’re punching something pure like a little puppy if you say no to her. And that’s why I was afraid.
“What’s up?” She asked, walking me to my room.
“Nothing.” I said, closing the door behind us, “What about you?”
“Nooothing,” she chanted, “so what’s going on in the Camren world? You guys seemed to be on the right track today. ” She asked, using our ship name.
“Uuuugh,” I grumbled, “Nothing, we’ve literally gotten back to normal. Friends like we used to be.”
“That’s great!” Ally exclaimed, “Isn’t it?” She started noticing I wasn’t all too happy about it.
“I guess.” I shrugged.
“Why isn’t good? Didn’t you want this?”
Ally had no idea how that question struck. I found myself unaware as to why I couldn’t answer that question. I didn’t know the answer to it, myself. Shouldn’t I be happy? Why isn’t it good enough? Didn’t I want this?
I struggled with response. “I don’t know,” I said. I furrowed my brows, and thought harder, “I don’t know. Like, we’re perfectly fine now, and everything. I mean, you saw us in the car, we were happy, and I missed that. But… I don’t know. Like, she’s moving on. Last night, her voice… it was like she has given up on changing things she can’t change and in this case, it’s my feelings. So like, she’s getting over me, and she said she’d fight for me, and I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much, especially since I asked her to. But she’s been all over Normani, and I literally feel her and her love slipping away from me, and just… something… s-something doesn’t, like… I don’t know, doesn’t…” I couldn’t find the right words to continue my statement, but Ally did the honors.
“Something doesn’t feel right,” She said, like she was reading my emotions, “Something feels missing.”
“Exactly…” I said, hating the fact I was admitting it out loud, “But I don’t know why.”
“You’re jealous, too.” Ally said.
Jealous.
That word sounded better in my head. It sounded like something I wasn’t so ashamed of when it was being said in my head. But when Ally just threw it out of her mouth like that, it was different. It was hard to admit.
Before I could say anything, she spoke again, “Lauren, you’re afraid. I can literally see it in your eyes right now.”
“What do you mean?” I asked defensively without hesitation, “Afraid of what?” I spit the words out like nothing meant anything to me.
“Afraid of your feelings. You feel something for Camila. Deep, deep down, there’s something there for her. It might not be as strong as hers, but it could get there.” Listening to her caused a lump to form in my throat. I knew she was right, but I hated admitting it to anyone. Hell, I put up a whole act to make sure not even Camila knew. I’m starting to realize that was an idiot mistake.
“B-but, I-“ I forgot how to form any words or sentences, but it was okay because somehow Ally always knew what I wanted to say.
“It’s okay, Laur. It’s okay to feel, sometimes,” she sounded so philosophical, so idealistic and it cracked a smile on my face. “Like, I get it’s hard to admit, but eventually, you have to accept the fact that the heart wants what it wants, and if yours wants Camila, then you’ll have to accept it. Camila can make you happy, Lauren. You know that. And you make her happy, so I don’t see the problem.”
Everything she was saying entered my ears and went through every dusty corner, convulsing with my emotions. I knew it was all true, and I knew I had to do something about it. But what?
“But Ally, what do I do?” I gulped.
“Weren’t you always the one who hated people who don’t say whats on their mind?” She perked an eyebrow referring to what I had said in that interview, the day before Ally told me how Camila felt. I remembered how I heard Camila say something when putting me to sleep, that there were things that were needed to be said, but couldn’t be. When I said everything in the interview, I had no idea it would’ve ended up being her feelings for me. How was I so oblivious?
And suddenly all the flashbacks of when Camila and I walked and played that game where we said things we believed in came rushing through my head. I suddenly remembered how defensive she got about keeping things hidden, and it now surprises me I never caught on. It all made sense once I finally found out about her feelings for me.
Her feelings for me. Damn, I still couldn’t believe it myself. I knew a lot of people fell for my looks or my voice or my eyes, but I still found it hard to believe that someone like Camila, a closed off, bottled up girl, fell for someone like me the way she did.
“Ye-yeah, but- but it’s different, because it’s too late now. Like she’ll probably punch me in the face and be like, too late asshole. Because I had her… I had her and I lost her.” It was still so unreal that I was saying all this out in the open, and not just caging it within my thoughts.
“First of all, it’s not too late. The girl is in love with you, Lauren. Second of all, even if it was too late, saying what’s on your mind is always the right thing to do. Because you never know how things will turn out, and it’ll eat you away.” I remember I said similar advice to Camila during that adventurous little walk long ago.
“I guess you’re right.” I said.
“I know I’m right,” She grinned from ear to ear, “Now go get your girl.”
—
“Oh hey, Lauren, you’re back!” Camila beamed. She didn’t seem nervous around me anymore, and it made this little confession of mine harder to do.
“Hey, yeah… listen, um, Camz, can I talk to you?” I asked, anxiously fidgeting with my bracelets. She turned her head to Normani, as if she was getting the ok from her. Whatever, I thought to myself.
“Sure,” she said.
I gulped as we made our way back to my room. It was odd, because I was talking about her and this upcoming moment no less than 5 minutes ago in this exact spot. She gleefully jumped on my bed and crossed her legs, “sup?”
I coughed uneasily, and sat in front of her on the bed. Okay, you’re going to tell her that you want to try this out. You’re going to tell her that you mean it. You can do this. You’re Lauren Michelle Jauregui, you can do anything.
Suddenly, I had all the motivation I needed.
“Okay, so…” I swallowed thickly, “I- I wanted to say, that like… I want to try- I wanna like…” I sighed, words I didn’t plan to say coming out, “Talk about that fight in the club…”
Damn you, Camila Cabello for looking at me like that and making me all nervous.
So maybe that was cowardly. But hey, maybe we can get into the conversation, and I mention my confession… right? And hell, maybe she even mentions what I told her when I was supposedly drunk, and how I can tell her it’s how I feel now.
I remembered how she lied to me that morning and said that I didn’t do anything and only threw up. Remind me not to ask Camila about my drunkenness again, I chuckled to myself.
Once the words spilled out of my mouth, Camila’s smile had wiped off completely. “What’s there to talk about?” She asked.
“Like… what you said… and stuff…” I stammered.
“And stuff?” She rolled her eyes and gave me a look that said I wasn’t taking things seriously. But I’ve never been more serious about something in my life. “Anyway, it’s all good. I don’t really care anymore, to be honest.”
Those words shot bullets through my heart. She wasn’t making this easier on me, was she? “But like… I thought you said you’d always wait or that you’d always fight…” I’m pretty sure that was the wrong thing to say. You think? God, I’m such an idiot.
“And I thought you said to stop.” She said frostily with no hesitation whatsoever. Her comebacks were sharp and quick.
I gulped. “Yeah, but I just… it’s surprising me how fast you gave up, is all.” This would probably be ranked as the most conversation where I had absolutely no clue what to say.
She laughed, “Lauren, this isn’t giving up. It’s finally letting go.”
I sighed and looked down at my nails.
“Why does it matter to you, anyway?” She asked.
“It doesn’t.” I lied.
“Then, it’s settled.” She responded.
“What is?”
“I’m letting go, and I don’t have to be wasting your time with my feelings anymore.”
Waste my time all you want, baby, was what I wanted to say, but I knew I couldn’t. Wrong timing. I didn’t respond, and she filled the gap of silence once again. “Look, Lauren…” She sighed, “We were finally getting on the right track. I don’t want my feelings to, once again, get in the way. Let’s just forget I ever felt anything, and it’ll make everything easier, wouldn’t it?”
It’ll make everything the exact opposite of easy.
“Yeah, of course!” I said dishonestly. I smiled, and leaned in to give her a hug, “We’re okay now. No more involving this situation anymore, right?” She reassured.
“Right.” I fake grinned. But it didn’t look fake to her, and I knew that.
“Pinky promise?” She stuck out her pinky, and I hated the fact I didn’t have the courage to refuse.
I laughed, “Pinky promise.” Our pinkies hooked to each other, and we were hugging again.
“Alright, well I better get to bed, we have an early morning tomorrow! Good night, Laur.” She was about to leave my bed.
“Wait,” I stopped her. I couldn’t say anything literally 2 seconds after promising her I wouldn’t, so I went for something else, “Stay with me again.”
“Again?” She immediately shot back, confusion in her eyes. Shit, I wasn’t supposed to remember.
“Yeah. I mean, I woke up in your arms, so I just assumed you slept in my bed?” I quickly covered up.
“I woke up before you did, and once you did wake up, I wasn’t ‘in your arms’…” She furrowed her eyebrows.
“I woke up in the middle of the night, then slept again. I didn’t think much of it, but I know I never slept better in my life.” I gulped. Thankfully, she finally bought it.
“I’m trying to stop feel—,” she suddenly cut herself off, probably remembering what we had just promised, “Yeah, sure, okay.” She said instead.
She crawled over the bed, unintentionally crawling with her leg in between both of mine. She curled into my side, and I helped cover her with my blanket. She noticed this gesture, and smiled lovingly at me. Those brown orbs gazed through mine, as though they were pulling me into another world.
She broke the gaze, and wrapped her arm across the plane of my stomach. I played with the ends of her hair, similarly to how I did last night. “I love you.” I said, feeling déjà vu. I wanted to repeat the actions of last night, because I was sober, and I wanted her to know which parts of last night I meant truly. I wanted her to know it was real for me, and not just because I was drunk.
Last night it took her forever to fall asleep, but tonight, she fell asleep almost instantly. Maybe it was the closure that helped her get her mind off things.
But it definitely didn’t get mine off anything.
—
Throughout the week, I continuously asked Camila to sleep beside me. Every other night, she’d give an excuse not to. But I still got my fair share of Camila cuddling time. I smiled to myself at the thought. At first, I wasn’t sure about how I felt completely, but I was sure about wanting to try things out and finding out. But while that still sticks, every day things have been becoming clearer and clearer to me. The more time I spent with Camila, the more my feelings magnified.
I mean, sleeping with someone beside could do that. It’s such an intimate and beautiful thing to do; it’s almost impossible to feel otherwise.
“Alright, Camzi, I’m going to re-watch The Notebook, and since it’s one of your favorites too, you’re gonna re-watch it with me.” I said, pulling out the DVD.
“Are you on some kind of mission to make today the most I’ve cried in my whole entire life, because that’s what it looks like. This whole day all we’ve been doing is watching sad movies and crying our eyes out!” She whined, “I still can’t get over The Green Mile!” She jokingly wiped a dried tear away.
“Psht, get over yourself.” I said, pulling her closer and slumping down on the couch. The other girls and Mrs. Cabello were all out to dinner. Camila acted sick, and I acted like I was going to help her out. She wasn’t in the mood to leave, but told me I should go with them, but I insisted to stay and keep her company. I even asked Ally to cover for us, because I thought it was exciting to have the place to ourselves. I wasn’t really planning anything, but I just really wanted alone time with her. I’ve begun to enjoy every moment with her more and more every day.
The movie started playing, lights were dim, and before anyone even started speaking, I could feel Camila trembling beside me.
“Are you crying already?” I asked, while I threw my head back, laughing.
“I’M IN AN EMOTIONAL STATE, OKAY.” She defended herself, and I only laughed more.
“We can, like, not watch it if you want.” I said, still muffling a laugh.
“I’d like that.” She said, chuckling.
I stopped the movie with the remote, and she spoke again, “We could like, do other stuff.”
“Like?”
“I don’t know, what do you wanna do?” She asked.
I pondered on my thoughts. I turned my head, and I thought about so many things I wanted to do to her. Get rid of those thoughts, Lauren, get rid of them. You promised her. You gotta do at least something right.
“Hmmm,” I said aloud, “Anything you wanna do.” I placed my hand on her kneecap, and her thigh had gently jolted.
Her voice lowered, and this is when I realized our faces were only inches apart. “Well, um…” Her eyes looked down to my lips, “we could always, just, talk…” She said those words, but her voice, her eyes both said otherwise.
Her voice was just below a whisper and I could only hear her due to being so close to her in proximity. “What do you wanna talk about…?” I muttered, not caring for an answer.
She didn’t give me an answer, and her eyes quickly darted to the hand on her kneecap. I didn’t remove it yet, and I wasn’t going to.
Our heads were facing each other, but rested upon the head of the couch. My hand on her thigh was like electricity input, giving us a connection despite our colliding breaths. I think it boosted her confidence, because before I knew it, she asked in an undertone so low it was almost impossible to hear, “Tell me… What would you do if I kissed you?”
I pulled my lower lip between my teeth, letting my eyes dart towards her lips, her eyes, then her lips again. My eyes lingered there on those soft lips, making the pause before my answer dreadfully long. Until I finally responded, “I’d probably kiss you back.”