Chapter 3
I haven't seen Elly Jacobs in three days since school resumed on Monday. I'm angry at what happened, but now I am starting to worry. At first I was so mad that I didn't even want to talk to her. Now I think I will text her after the bell rings signaling the end of the day. My teacher drones on while I become more and more anxious about talking to Elly. Will she be mad that I haven't texted her since Friday? Will she even respond? What if she's hurt? Finally, the bell rings and I jump out of my seat. When I get to the hallway I pull out my phone and text her.
Hey Elly, you haven't been at school?
Man, way to be captain obvious in that text. I look up and see people all rushing to get somewhere. Actually doing something with their lives. My phone buzzes.
I didn't want to go. Besides, you couldn't have been that worried...
Yup, she's mad because I didn't talk to her for days.
I was worried...I was just angry. You slept with Rob after I told you that you shouldn't do it. Why would you say you didn't want to with him and then go do it.
A few minutes go by. The halls are mostly empty now.
I don't know Declan, I do know that it really messed me up and I don't even want to leave my bedroom.
I don't understand, how does she not know why she said yes? She consented, so she must have wanted to. Even though I'm mad I want to see her and make her feel better so I ask where she lives. If she is close I'm gonna go see her. She messages me back and says that her house is the blue one by the dollar store downtown. I decide that isn't too far and walk out of the school.
As I'm walking I see Ben across the street. I wave him over to me, I like to have people to talk to while I walk.
"Hey dude, where are you heading?" I ask Ben.
"Just going to hang out at the park for a bit. What about you?"
"I'm going to check on Elly." Ben gives me a weird look. He probably knows I that I like her, I'm usually pretty obvious about when I like someone not like Robs gives a shit. He will fuck anything that breathes and seems interested in him.
"I noticed she wasn't in school, she seems like the type to never be absent." Ben laughs. He's right, every time that I've been in school so has she. I feel like it is a big deal for her to be missing school. I stay silent for the rest of the walk, even when Ben leaves I just wave.
I get to Elly's house and look around. Dark blue paint peels on the side of the house, the porch is white or used to be, it's two stories. It looks like maybe at one point it was beautiful. I knock on the front door and wait. A woman opens the door and looks at me with a blank stare, her eyes are hazy and brown hair is in her eyes.
"Hi, my name is Declan. I am here to see Elly."
"I'm her mother, Tara. Hi."
She stands there for a moment staring at me. "Elly, some boy named Declan is here for you!" She yells, then she smiles and closes the door. Well that was weird. I turn and sit down on the steps to wait for Elly. It seems so long since I have seen her, I miss her.
I hear the door open and a quiet voice. "Hey, Declan." I turn to face her and she looks awful. Her hair is frizzy, dark rings under her eyes, red eyes. She is wearing pajamas and fuzzy slippers. Elly trudges over to me and plops down. She looks at me and bursts into tears. I fully panic, what did I do? Holy crap. My body takes over and I reach out and pull her to my chest, her whole body shakes as I hold her.
"Hey, hey...What's wrong Elly?" I tilt her face to look at me, my other hand swipes the tears off of her face. She pulls away from me.
"You just remind me of what happened. I never wanted to do that, not with him, not Rob. I knew, I know what he does to girls. I knew how he just used them for sex, but my decisions weren't my own. Rob knew that, and he took advantage of it. Now I feel...empty, lost and broken. I want that piece of me that he took back." Elly looks at her feet, the pain in her eyes pull at me but at the same time I still don't understand if she knew that he did that to girls, why would she let him do it to her?
Elly must sense my confusion because she goes on. "I didn't go there with the intent of sleeping with him, I just wanted to have fun, forget about the short stick life has dealt me for a while. Sometimes being smart isn't all it's cracked up to be." Elly puts her head in her hands and sighs. I understand what she means about Rob now, the drugs forced her to do what she didn't want to. Rob stole her virginity, anger swells within me. I don't understand what she means about being smart, I'd kill to be as motivated and intelligent as her.
"What do you mean? Being smart can get you anywhere?" Elly jerks her head up and glares at me.
"You think noticing that no one likes you is fun? I pick up on these feelings, by the way people talk to me, how they look at me, how they act around me. I can't be ignorant, I notice mostly everything and it's always negative. If it doesn't happen at first, I get hopeful. I'm happy, but it always happens, everyone always leaves. I feel hated every single day of my life Declan. I'm stuck in a vortex of sadness and self hatred. I just wanted to have fun that night at Rob's, maybe even love myself." My heart breaks for her because I know what it is like to live in a world of self-hatred and doubt.
"Elly Jacobs look at me. It won't happen with me, I'll never hate you." Looking into her eyes I promise her with every cell in my body. "I'll never leave you."
***
It's six o' clock and I've convinced Elly to go to a party that some college guy is throwing. She may or may not have forced me to do my school work in the process of convincing her, but I'm glad that she is getting out of the house. I'm standing by her car waiting for her to come out, she said she was ready but she must have forgotten something. The front door opens and Elly steps out, she's completely changed her outfit from what she was wearing twenty minutes ago. She is in a short green dress that makes her eyes pop and her hair is down, curls everywhere. I swear I've never seen someone as beautiful as Elly is right now.
Elly skips down the steps and twirls, the skirt of the dress flowing with her. "How do I look?' A small smile is on her face.
"Great, let's go before all the good booze is gone. Warm beer is not fun."
It takes five minutes to get to the party even though we got lost for a minute. The place that the party is at is a big barn, sort of like Rob's. Once we've parked I get out and walk to Elly's side. She is still inside, staring at the barn. I knock on her window.
"Sorry, daydreaming I guess," Elly says as she gets out. I can tell she's nervous by the way she tugs at her dress. A thought hits me that she might have never been to a party or did anything like she did Friday. I pat her back.
"It's all good, this will be fun I promise. I won't let anything happen to you either." We walk in close together, Elly slightly behind me being shy. A couple of guys nod at me in greeting as I walk by, one offers us a hit off of a joint. We accept the invitation and move on to the alcohol station.
"What do you want?" Elly glances at the table not seeming nervous or shy anymore and grabs a fruity wine cooler.
"This looks good," she says as she opens it and takes a sip. "Mmm! It is good!" Elly giggles and I pour myself a cup of vodka. I'm glad Elly is loosening up but I just hope she doesn't get too loose.
"Sup Declan!" A voice says from behind us, Rob. I see Elly go completely rigid, then she just walks away. Where is she going? I don't even think she knows anyone here. I turn to Rob, trying to keep my composure. I'm still mad for what he did to Elly.
"You hitting that?" Rob points in the direction Elly just went. I take a sip of my drink.
"We are friends. Why did you have sex with her Rob? Why do you just use girls like that, especially when they aren't sober enough to actually agree?" Rob laughs and sips his drink.
"Cause I wanted to fuck? That's always the reason and I don't have to try as hard when they aren't sober." Right now I feel disgusted with Rob so I turn and leave to find Elly.
I check the entire first floor of the barn and the loft and I can't find her. I go back to her car to see if she's there. Nope. Dammit Elly, where are you? I look around outside, there's a pond about a mile away and someone is there. When I arrive I see that Elly is sitting at the edge of the pond, staring into it. I sit next to her and look too. I see our reflections, only made possible by the moonlight.
"That is me, that's how everyone sees me." Elly says still staring at her reflection, then she takes her hand and disturbs the water causing our reflections to distort. "That is how I feel, it's how I've felt most of my life."
I stare at myself. "At least people see you, everyday it's like I'm invisible. Most of the time I like it that way, but sometimes I just want to shout 'I'm here! I matter!' Even If I did, no one would hear." Elly lifts her eyes to mine with a serious expression on her face.
"I see you, Declan." Elly puts her hand on my cheek, eyes focused on mine. There's a million things I want to tell her right now while looking into her beautiful eyes. Instead I risk it all and start to lean in, my heartbeat goes erratic as she leans in too. We're almost an inch apart from each other when Elly stops and turns away.
"Declan, I can't...I have a boyfriend." Elly sighs and looks back at me. "I got caught up in the moment." Well, this definitely can go on a list of one of my worst moments ever.
"How come you didn't mention anything sooner, like that night at Rob's?" Frustration creeps in.
"I wasn't with anyone then. Darren and I are on and off a lot, that night I thought it was for good. I didn't think it was anything important to anyone anyway?" Elly looks at me questioningly and my cheeks heat up.
"Like you didn't know Elly. Of course I like you." The rest slips out of my mouth before I even realize it. "Why wouldn't I? You're smart, beautiful and you always surprise me.you make me feel crazy, I love you" I can't believe I just said I loved her, but I feel like it's true. I peek over at Elly to gauge her reaction. She's smiling, which automatically makes me smile.
Elly gets up and smooths her dress. "Do you mind if we go? I told my mom I was studying and I hate getting to bed late." Elly looks at something on her phone nervously.
"Sure, no problem." We walk back to her car and she keeps looking at her phone with a weird expression on her face and typing quickly. I figure she's messaging someone. The whole way bk she does the same thing, without the texting.
"Uh, where do you want me to drop you off?" Elly starts to slow as we near her house.
"My friend Jonah lives a few houses down from you. That big brown house..right there." I point to Jonah's house. His dad is most likely asleep so I'll have to be quiet going in. We stop and sit for a moment, I don't want what I said earlier to make Elly not want to see me anymore. I'm afraid to ask her.
"Wanna do our homework together tomorrow, Declan?" It's the nerdy-ist request that makes me laugh.
"Yes Elly. I would love to." I open the door to leave but before I get out I hear Elly sigh. I look back and she's looking at her phone, her face in a frown.
"Elly? Are you alright?"
"Yeah, it's just Darren gets kind of mad when I'm out and don't answer him in a timely manner. I've gotta get back and call him to calm him down." The guy sounds like a real A-plus.
"Well I hope things work out, " I tell her even though I don't. The thought of her with another guy really, really bothers me. I close the door and wave goodbye.
Inside Jonah's house it's pitch black, I feel my way to Jonah's room where light is pouring out from underneath the door.
I walk in, not startling Jonah one bit. "Sup?" Jonah murmur's in response, fully emerged in whatever game he is playing. I pass by the window on my way to sit down and I notice Elly is still out front. It looks like Darren couldn't wait till she got home. Elly looks very distraught from what I can see, she leans her head against the window and listens to whatever he is saying. The conversation is done when I see her throw her phone on the passenger side and hold her head in her hands. After a few seconds she wipes her face, was she crying? Then Elly start the car and drives away.
I sit down on Jonah's recliner aka my bed and look at the ceiling, events of today running around in my thoughts.
"I can tell by the way you're acting that you were just with Elly." Jonah says staring at his screen still.
"You haven't even looked at me yet." I roll my eyes. Jonah swivels around to fce me.
"Doesn't matter, I can tell. How'd it go?"
"Well, I may or may not have told her that I love her." Alex looks straight at me and doubles over in laughter. I start to laugh too.
"Dude! You didn't? Wow dude, you're officially crazy! You must have freaked her out big time."
"If I did, she didn't say anything. Like how she didn't say she had a boyfriend till after we almost kissed. One embarrassing thing after another is how my night went." Jonah and I keep laughing.
"You have some seriously shitty luck my friend," Jonah says and swivels back to his game. I recline in the chair and grab my blanket. Jonah reaches over and shuts the light off and the room becomes a glowing blue. As I lay there my thoughts return to Elly having problems with Darren, she seemed quite upset. As much as I loathe Darren for being with Elly right now, I hope she isn't laying in bed alone and upset. Elly deserves happiness, seeing her sad felt so wrong. I want to protect her from everything that upsets her even though it isn't my job. The guy who is supposed to be protecting her is the reason for her sadness.
I turn on my side and picture Elly smiling and twirling in her dress, the smile that makes me crazier and crazier about her every day. A smile that I could look at for the rest of my life and even after that too.