The next few days I avoided Hikaru like the plague, and for the most part, he avoided me. I found myself spending an unusual amount of time with Haruhi, but she kept me sane.
Anchored.
Alive.
Armed with her dad and Tamaki, they listened to my stories and tried to figure out the best possible solution for me. As expected, Tamaki was useless. He had no idea the twins even liked me, but Haruhi…she suspected as soon as I moved into the Hitachiin Manor something like this would happen. Her dad offered up the house to me until things cooled down, but Tamaki refused. I think a part of him was unwilling to let this go. I think he wanted to pretend everything was all right even though everything was the furthest from fine.
And as much as I hated it,
I could relate to him.
I found myself blinded by what could have been.
And as for Kaoru?
I didn’t have the heart to tell him what had happened between his brother and I. He was like me. Betrayed by the people we held dear to our hearts. I didn’t want him to feel that betrayal again and relive those old wounds. I could only imagine what would happen if he found out. Would he hate me? I shook my head. I hated that thought more than anything in the world. I couldn’t believe I made it to Friday without having to confront either one of them…
***
I tapped the tips of my fingers to the sleek black briefcase resting on my lap. I drummed them along letting my head spin as I waited for Tamaki. Inside I had two composed pieces. The first was the fairy tale song I had shown Hikaru and Kaoru just before the date. The other was a song from my past. A dark sorrowful tale that seemed oddly appropriate given the situation. I had prepared the orchestra for the first one, unfortunately, my heart was nagging me to open up the briefcase and make it a point to sing the other song. I gnawed on my bottom lip, completely absorbed in though. Suddenly someone poked my shoulder. I glanced up.
“Ready?” Kyoya asked wearing a sinister smile. His glasses reflected the florescent lights causing me to shield my eyes. I gave an uneasy nod.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” I murmured clasping the handle. I scooted up in my seat. “Kyoya, you’re analytical, correct?”
He frowned. “I’m not sure I see where you’re going with this.”
“Which song should I sing? Upbeat, happy, sarcastic or ironic soulful lullaby?”
He puckered his lips resting the clipboard on his hip. He fixed his glasses with his middle finger. “I’ve never been one for pop music, but that’s just my personal opinion. Tamaki is the President, you should ask him.”
I gave another dull nod. “That sounds…reasonable. But I was just thinking I should sing something that matters, don’t you think? Something that will get to people. I’m tired of this fluff. I want to mean something.”
“Don’t you mean you want it to mean something?” He corrected. A smirk slid across his face. I glared. “It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. Just inform the orchestra of any changes. The rest of us will, how you say, improvise.”
He waved me away with the back of his hand and made a quick exit out the door. I sat in silence, staring at the briefcase still resting in my lap. Fluff or soul, that was my question. If I chose soul, that would mean calling out people and exposing my scars. Fairy tale was the safe bet, but I didn’t want to be safe. I’d been playing that card for far too long. I rose to my feet. Fluff or soul? Fluff or soul? Perhaps Kyoya was right. Maybe I’d already made up my mind.
“Indie?” I froze. Kaoru stepped through the door. “Ah, I found you.”
“Wh-what are you doing here?” I asked. My eyes scanned the horizon, searching for the best possible exit. So much for taking a stand…
“I was looking for you.” He explained nervously. His golden green eyes kept shifting from color to color. He rubbed his hand roughly against the back of his neck, a nervous habit he picked up somewhere along the past few days. “I’ve been worried.”
“About what?”
“You.”
I froze.
Time ceased to exist.
Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t I open my mouth and say something like ‘I’ve been worried about you too’? I lowered my head in shame. I wasn’t strong, that’s why.
“Where’s Hikaru?” I asked suddenly. I wondered if he had told his brother about the kiss. Or better yet, if he’d finally come to terms with his feelings towards me.
“Hikaru?” I let the train of thought go. Kaoru frowned dropping his hand back to his side. “It’s the strangest thing. He can’t really meet my gaze anymore. At first I thought it was because of his sudden outburst, but now I’m thinking it might have been something you said to him.” He paused, shuffling closer to me. I looked to the ground. My cheeks turned feverishly red. How could I bring it up to him without looking like a fool? “Is that why you’ve been avoiding us, too? Haruhi won’t tell me, but she definitely knows. Indie, what happened back there?”
Oh, nothing.
Your brother just kissed me.
No big deal.
Everything’s cool.
Really.
Don’t worry about it.
I’m fine.
I licked my lips. I remembered watching a similar situation in a drama, or maybe it was a comedy, a few years back. I had laughed at the girl. I screamed at my TV telling her honesty was the best policy. I even made fun of her. Funny how when in her shoes I acted the same way. Nerves licked at my stomach turning my mouth sour. I sucked in air. Kaoru patiently waited for my response.
“Something did happen.” I admitted softly. “Hikaru kissed me, and I-I slapped him. I’m so sorry. I was…I was ashamed. I didn’t want to cause any more trouble between anyone.”
Especially between you and me.
I shook my head. I still couldn’t stand to look at him. At his beautiful poreclian skin, his deep golden eyes, and rough copper hair. I wanted to see him smile, to see the corners of his mouth twist up in pleasure. I wanted him to comfort me. To hold me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be alright, even if that was a lie. I wanted to…
But I knew he wouldn’t.
It boiled down to one simple fact:
Hikaru was his brother
And I was just some strange girl
Who’d only been in his life for barely a month.
Something wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me forward. I rammed into a warm mass and, out of reflex, threw my arms around it. I pressed my ear to the frame of the mass and listen to the rapid beating of a heart. Kaoru held me close, stroking my hair as he rested his chin on top of my head.
“I’m so sorry.” He cooed. My eyes widened in shock. “Hikaru can be impulsive, please, forgive him. He doesn’t know how to handle his feelings, you understand, don’t you? Please, I’m sorry. Everything is alright.”
Was this a dream? A bliss, sweet dream. I couldn’t imagine a world where I’d go against Ryley, my only brother. But here we were, Kaoru comforting me and defending his brother at the same time.
How was it possible?
I didn’t understand how anyone could be so nice.
Especially…
To someone like…
Like…
Me.
I buried my face into his chest and clung to his shirt with one hand and the briefcase with the other. My knees buckled, threatening to send me off balance, but he steadied me. He pulled me to a standstill and smiled kindly.
“It’s alright.” He whispered. “I’ll take care of you, you can trust me.”
Trust?
A month ago I’d say it wasn’t possible,
But now…
I stared at him out of the corner of my eye and gave a dull nod. I tried to smile back. “I trust you.”
A soft knock on the door broke our gaze. Tamaki swished a hand across his bangs and smirked.
“Ah, look at my children playing nicely.” He grinned stepping inside. He scanned our faces. “If you don’t mind, son, Daddy would like to speak to his beautiful daughter.”
“Yes, Daddy.” Kaoru rolled his eyes. He tangled his fingers into my hand, lingered, then exited the room. I cleared my throat.
“Kyoya tells me you are considering to make changes to the program.” He said circling me like a shark.
“Yes, I was thinking about switching songs.” I muttered. “The song I originally picked feels wrong.”
“Does this have anything to do with the twins?”
Just like that, he said it. I brushed some hair into my eyes. “Why would you say that?”
“Haruhi and I don’t keep secrets.” Tamaki explained. “Listen, I’m not the bad guy here, if you want to make changes, I’m all for it. I just want to make sure you’re absolutely certain this is what you want to do.”
He narrowed his eyes for emphasis. I gave a slow and careful nod. I still hadn’t decided myself. All the pressure and confusion was making me sick. I wanted nothing more than to curl up on the couch and drink tea with Haruhi and her father, but I couldn’t do that. I was well past the point of no return.
I shifted my weight from one foot to another. My heart swelled in my chest. “I don’t know.” I answered honestly. He smiled.
“Alright, my flower. Just let someone know whatever you decide. I have some business to tend to.”
I grinned. “Haruhi?” I guessed. He gave a careless shrug of the shoulders.
“What can I say, I’m a fool in love.”
That was the most accurate description I’d ever heard him use before. He stubbed the toes of his boots into the ground then reached for the knob. He glanced back over his shoulder at me and sighed.
“Your smile is still broken.” He commented. “But it’s looking better every day.”
***
“Bastard!”
My insides clamped up. A few girls, still in uniformed, gasped setting their teacups aside. I remained completely frozen in place, unnoticed by the fighting boys.
“Hikaru, I-“
“Shut up! I don’t want to hear it!” The angry twin shouted shifting his body outward and covering his ears. “All you ever do is think about yourself! What about me? You don’t think this affects me at all, do you?”
“Will you listen to me!” Kaoru grabbed Hikaru roughly by the wrist and spun him back around. Hikaru glared. “I love her! I know I barely know her, but that’s the beauty of the situation. There’s so much to learn, so much to discover. It’s addicting. I can’t help myself! And I know you feel it too.”
Hikaru slapped his hand away. He grinded his teeth tightly together and puffed up his chest to tower of his younger brother. “You don’t get it, do you? Let me spell it out for you: I never liked the little slut, no. I simple used her to my advantage. She was just a pawn to get to you, to show you that all girls are the same. They just want to get between us. That’s why I kissed her. It meant nothing.”
Kaoru was taken aback. Hikaru smirked tossing his head back triumphantly. He was lying. I could tell. His smile was uneasy, his lips slightly quivered, he was trying to provoke his brother and it was working.
“Idiot!” Kaoru clenched his hands into tight fists. He sealed his eyes shut. “Idiot! Why would you toy with her like that? Selfish, idiot, bastard! Do you care for me at all? Why? Why do you hate me? I sacrifice for you again and again. Haruhi, and now Indie? Why? Why won’t you let me be happy? Don’t you get it? She never wanted to get between us. She kept her distance, trying to keep our friendship alive. You destroyed this! No one else, you!”
I wanted to smile. Kaoru had finally stepped up to the plate. It was beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time, and Hikaru just stood there in shock. Perfectly still, a few stray whisps of copper hair dangled just above his eyes. His mouth hung open slightly as he tried to grasp every word floating above him. I licked my lips.
“She’s a slut.” He tried. “A worthless slut. It pains me you can’t see that, brother. Would you really choose her over me? Am I worth so little to you? Does nothing else matter?”
“Liar!” Kaoru snapped. “She’s not like that! She’s not a slut! Stop saying that!”
“Brother…” Hikaru stretched a hand out to Kaoru, Kaoru violently shook him away. Hikaru bit his lip. “Brother, don’t be angry. I understand what it’s like to be stuck under the temptress’s spell. Like you said, she’s addicting.”
“Stop it!”
“No, it’s true. She’s got you with her tanned skin and sad look in her eye. She sings to you to make you feel special. You’re not special to her. You’re no different than me. We’re the same. A packaged deal. That’s all we’ll ever be. It’s better you realize that now.”
He was manipulating his brother. He was scared. I could see that, but from the outside looking in, the situation appeared differently. I was sure to the onlookers, the girls in their frilly little dresses, that I seemed like the bad guy. The new girl that weaseled her way into the heart’s of their beloved twins. A packaged deal. That’s what the twins were to them. But they were so very different. Maybe I was a temptress. Maybe I was tempting Kaoru away from his brother, but was that so bad? He strived to be different. He wanted to be seen as Kaoru, not Kaoru and Hikaru.
I balled up my hands and stormed over to the orchestra. I whipped out the sheets music and shoved it to the conductor. He looked baffled, but without hesitating, handed the music off to the rest of the band. Each person scanned over the music and nodded. I nodded back, turned on my heels, and gave the choir their new parts in the performance.
“It’s not true.” Kaoru murmured like a broken record. His whole body trembled. He shook his head. “It’s not true.”
“It’s ok, brother.” Hikaru hummed draping his arms around his fragile brother. “I can take care of it, just like I always have. It’s just me and you against the world. No one can tell us apart. It’s ok. I’m here.”
“It’s not true.”
All eyes were glued onto the Hitachiin twins. Not even Tamaki or Haruhi bothered to notice me buzzing around the room like a crazed chimpanzee. I flew over to the microphone and tapped the head a few times. The speakers let out a gruff booming sound. Kyoya arched his brows, shifting his body towards me. I glanced back at the band who were still running through their sheet music. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched the twins. My heart ached. It was sad, seeing this. They reminded me so much of myself. They reminded me of how human I could be. Everything they did was out of fear, fear that they’d lose something. Hikaru feared losing his brother, and Kaoru feared losing the trust he’d so willingly given away. Both boys were terrified they’d get hurt, too blind they were already drowning in pain…
Just like me.