And here we go...
For reasons I'd like to not mention I am lost, call me what you want.
Sad, cold, boring even.
But I am not the light of all the white. Yet not all the darkness of any dark.
I am what you would call between.
Between your fingertips, between your two eyes,
between the ground and the sky.
Can I really be held though?
Can a thought or feeling be held.
I'd like to think so, although I am only crazy.
A poem I have written. Not sure what it mean yet, but I don't think I'd like to.
I stood up slowly, and walk along side Pan. Will I ever get used to his new alias? I followed him, even though we did not speak. He held his hands behind his back in a formal way.
"Wendy, what did you intend when you came back." He asked not looking down to me, almost as if he was afraid to do so. I remember the time I had merely scraped my hand and he got angered at the smallest of injuries to me, and now he's the one is is causing them.
"I intended that everything be as it was before." He snickered. "You're just as stupid as the day you arrived." He spat. I opened my mouth to say something but decided not to.
"You are selfish." He said with disgust. I raised my eyebrow. "How so?" I asked.
"You get attached to the boys, and then when you try to kill yourself in front of all of them, you do not feel bad for putting them through that? Selfish and stupid." His tone did not change, it only grew with more anger.
"I... did not mean to do such things, I only thought of it as an act of heroism, saving my family." He clenched his fist.
"Although I may be able to take away the pain of past memories, I can not take away the pain that is present." He almost whispered.
"And you, Pan, did you feel pain?" He stood still for a moment. "Of course not." He answered quickly and then again began waking, hands behind his back.
"Pan, why have you asked me to talk with you." He chuckled.
"For the simple fact that I'm bored and you're fun to play with." He said darkly. I am no toy. I sucked in a deep breath.
"And what of this?" I asked, showing him my wrist with the cuff. At this he smirked, still not looking into my eyes though.
"It's keeps you from using your magic, and you can not take it off, only someone else can, but here's the catch, I've charmed it so only I, can take it off." He said witty.
It made sense now. "And...what of me? Am I to be taken back into the Lost Boys?" I asked fearfully.
"Enough questions! It has been good without you Wendy, you are a plague to the island. Everywhere you go death strikes! You are a hypocrite, you are disgusted with me, but do you ever look at yourself as the problem?" For the first time since the beating, Pan looked me in the eyes, but I don't see anything. Only two cold green stones.
"Why do you hate me so?" I cried out in anger, stomping my foot.
"I do not hate you!" He yelled back. "Then what is it Pan? You play with my mind, and wound my body, and for why, in the name of love? Because you've made it clear its not hate!"
"Stop speaking!" He yelled, the fire in his eyes flaring out of control. He snapped his fingers and suddenly my throat felt dry and empty. I gripped my throat and found that I could no longer speak.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, regaining control to his anger. He slowly began to walk towards me, and grabbed my face, squeezing it forcefully, yet keeping calm.
"Listen for once." He was almost whispering, "You may think you can bend or break the rules because of the last time you were here, but things have changed, Wendy. I am your leader, and you will listen to me without any question. And if you want to be accepted back into my camp, it will happen whenever I say it does." He would squeeze harder with every exaggerated word, so hard my lips cracked and tears were brimming my eyes.
"You will never break anymore of my rules again." And with that he let go. My cheeks hurt, but I could speak.
I hated it. Every bit of it. "Who have you become?" I said looking at the ground, not bringing myself to look in his eyes.
"A stronger person." He said with pride and determination. A monster I say.
"John and Michael are going hunting, you will go with them. Now go back to camp." He demanded. I nodded and began to walk away. "What do say?" He asked in an almost mocking way.
He knew what he was doing. He was trying to break me.
"Yes Pan." I said weakly, a tear slipping down my cheek, but I made sure he didn't see. I then proceeded to walk back to camp.
Yes, he was trying to break me.
And it was working.
Sorry this is short, forgive me.