"Oh God, it's my fault." I sob into my hands. My body feels like it's breaking apart, so I curl myself in a ball to try to stay in one piece.
"No, it's not Emma. It's not." He chokes out and wraps his arms around me. They trail around my body and he's laying behind me on the small bed. I don't look at him, because it's my fault. I am the reason we lost our baby.
The water bottle. The lights. The noise. The truck.
"Yes it is! I wasn't looking and- and-" I don't remember what happened after I saw the truck in the mirror. How could I not remember! What did I do... Did I accidentally brake? Did I swerve? After... it's a blur.
"No, Emma, look at me." I shake my head and close my eyes tight. How can I face him now? My hands slowly make their way to my stomach, where my baby was.
"Emma." he says again. I slowly and carefully turn my body so I'm lying on my back. I wince at the pain, then remember it doesn't matter. Not in comparison.
"Emma, a drunk driver hit you from behind. It was some fucking idiot who was driving nearly 80 miles per hour. He almost missed you, but he didn't, and it made your car hit the freeway railing. It was not your fault."
"I was supposed to love and protect our baby." I say in a small voice.
"Oh, sweetheart you did. We did."
"No, I-I didn't. I made him... or her feel unwanted. I am being punished. We are being punished because I didn't- I didn't want him, or her." I cry in my hands and this time I don't try to stop. How did everything get so messed up so quickly? One minute I'm going to tell Zach I want us to be a family, the three of us. The next... it's just the... two of us. Or maybe just me.
I didn't even get to find out the sex. I didn't get anything, we didn't get anything.
"You can't blame yourself. If it's one thing I know, it's that blaming yourself doesn't help at all." I feel his warm hands slide over my cold, shaky ones. They stay there for a moment, before he attempts to pry my hands off my face. I hesitate, but finally let him. I look up at this darling man and wonder why I could get so angry over a baby, an innocent baby I never even got to see.
But his words, his words took me back to when I begged him to stop blaming himself.
"Yes. This whole mess started with me."
"It started with the both of us." I cut in. Weatherly and Zach both look at me, and I try to continue before I talk myself out of it.
"Remember, I had only seen you maybe once or twice, as kids, before the arranged marriage. My mom was the one who told me I should do that. Not you. I have a mind of my own, I've told you before, I hate that you take the credit for everything."
"Everything?" Weatherly asks.
I purse my lips. "Zach takes the blame for every repercussion that resulted from the marriage. It's mine and my mom's fault that we were shaky, and arguably still are. It's Lor's fault that she decided to shut me out that first year. I tell you this all the time, and yet you continue to blame yourself." I say through gritted teeth.
"Emma, I'd rather you hate one person than hate many." He says softly to me.
"Just don't shut me out, like I did to you." He says in a low, sad voice, and I'm brought back to the present. He's so vulnerable but so am I. I want to crawl under a rock and cry.
"This is different Zach." I whisper. "I am the reason we fought. I was driving. I got distracted, I- I am the reason we lost our baby."
"No, Emma-"
"I was going to tell you I was excited to be a family. That I was stupid, that I changed my mind. That- that you are my family and- and-." I sob.
"Oh, Emma, I know. I know." He pulls me closer, and I let him.
"And now-now-" I can't even finish my sentence. The guilt is eating at me. I don't deserve him.
"Zach I want to be alone." I say, clearly.
"Emma, please don't shut me out." He pleads, crying. I shake my head.
"I need to be alone. I-I don't deserve your support."
"Emma-"
"Zach, leave!" I yell at him. He stops, his frown deepens, but he doesn't argue. He doesn't say anything else. He just leaves, and I turn towards the wall, away from him.
***
I'm only allowed two and a half minutes of being alone before the stupid doctors and nurses come back in. I'm only given so much staff because I'm one of those "high profile patients". Not because of my injuries, no, it's because I was a teenage billionaire and I was on magazines and crap.
And while the nurses kept asking me "how I was", I stared at Zach talking to the nurse outside the room. I couldn't hear him, so I imagined what he was saying, or trying to.
It's ironic really. I told him to leave me alone and now I won't leave him alone.
Dr. Lee walks in the room. She was the some doctor that tended to my mom when she had the heart attack and landed in the coma years ago. At first I didn't recognize her, because the last time I saw her she had a pixie haircut, now it's about medium length and darker.
"I'm sorry to bother you, Emma. Do you remember me?" She asks, and slips her hands into the side pockets of her white coat.
"Of course I do." I say, still surprised that she's here. I mean, she is a trauma surgeon and I'm in the trauma department, but she's not my doctor. She came here on her own time.
"I just wanted to see how you were feeling." She doesn't smile, or give any cheery encouragement. She thinks I'm due to explode at any second. About to break down at any moment, because one time I did, right in front of her.
"I am in an arranged marriage with him. He's 20 and I'm 17. It was my dads wish and my grandfathers wish for the company. I got let go from my job last month. I've been resenting my mom for months because of it all. Now she could be gone and I'll have no one." I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. It's the first time I've really acknowledged it these past couple months.
"You are a lot braver than I thought you were." She says. I think I saw a small tear.
"No I'm not! I'm a coward for not talking to my mom sooner. We both said such horrible things. I'm a coward for avoiding Zach. I dont want this life. I had my future planned. This is so screwed up! I just want it to end already!" I bury my face in my hands because I couldn't believe I had just said that.
"NO! Look at me Emma. You need to pull yourself together. Your mother may not be here now or even for a while, but she wouldn't--doesn't--want you like this. That is the talk of a coward. Go home and don't come back until you are ok with Zach."
"Why do you care?" I snap. She looks pained.
"Because the same thing happened to me. "
"Why do you care?" I snap, flashing back to the memory again. "And don't say because the same thing happened to you." She nods, remembering our talk out in the hall. Everything is so screwed up. Zach is now the one in the hall pained and upset.
"No, I have not lost a baby." I turn my head away from her, she continues. "But I know you've been depressed before. I know your life is never private. When I heard you were here, and what happened, I knew I needed to talk to you." I roll my eyes.
"When I told you five years ago that the same thing happened to me, I meant that I was unhappy with my life too. I was supposed to marry this man from my hometown in China, but I left everything, my family, friends, my whole life there and came here to study medicine. I wanted to end my life there in China, but I didn't. I came here instead."
"I did that. I got the marriage annulled and went away to college. Then Zach and I came back here where we had to go through therapy and fighting because he still blamed himself over the stupid marriage." I snap.
"That's not the point. The point is you need to move on-"
"There is no moving on because Zach wouldn't ever move on. There's no moving on ever!" I yell. She sighs and walks closer to me. I don't give her a chance to talk because I cut in first.
"You don't know anything. No one knows anything. Zach and I were doomed the moment my mom told me to marry him." I say in a low voice. I almost scare myself at my tone, but it's true. I just didn't want to admit it.
"It's been years of sweeping under the rug, Dr. Lee. And it was Zach who always thought he ruined the relationship but now this one's on me. I am the reason our baby is gone." I didn't even realize how serious her composure was. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, and doesn't so much as flicker a facial muscle.
"Who's not moving on now?" I frown.
"Get out."
"You need help, Emma."
"Go away! I'd like privacy in my own room!" I cry. She just turns around and walks out. And that makes two people I've kicked out.
As soon as she closes the door I cry. I tell myself to get all my tears out now because once they discharge me the press is going to be breathing down my neck. The whole world will know of my pregnancy and how I lost the baby. I will be a scandal all over the news, and Zach may be too.
What did the doctor know? I've moved on. I accepted the baby and now it's gone. So, what's the point of "moving on" if nothing's going to work out?
I look out the window. Zach's not there anymore. I don't know where he went, or if he'll be back.
Zach is handsome, rich, charming. He can easily get any girl he wants, I've seen them fawn. I've seen them look at me then look at him then look back at me in confusion. Sure, I'm a Rembrandt but apparently it wasn't as fabulous as being a Taylor. Or, rather, Mrs. Taylor. And I let go of that name willingly. No wonder other girls look at me weird.
The point is, he can get anyone he wants, without any mommy or daddy issues. Without any breakdowns. Less fighting. No awkward business ties. I should let him go, let him be happy.
Then I wouldn't be happy.
I'm a Rembrandt. I could get any guy too, but I don't want any guy, I want Zach. But that's selfish. I've been too selfish.
That's what led me to lose my baby.
I let tears fall again.
Now when I see Zach I'll be reminded of everything I lost.
***
They keep me in the hospital for an extra day to watch my "mental health". I wonder what gave them the impression that I need my mental health checked, could it be the fact that I actually lost my unborn baby or that I went crazy a few times?
It's been two days since I yelled at Zach, and he hasn't stopped by. Subconsciously I hoped he would come back and plead and beg but I know those days are over. We're grown up, and I told him to give me space (in a much ruder way) and like the adult he is he's respecting that.
They gave me back my phone the day before, but I hadn't wanted to turn it on. I was told that my mom was "on her way" but there were no available flights.
Or maybe she had a work deadline, I don't know. I do know they didn't tell her about the baby. I told them she'd find out on the cover of some magazine anyways.
I reach over and pick it up. What if Zach called? What if he didn't?
It's a never ending roller coaster with us, and it's my fault. It's all my fault. Zach was wrong all along, it was my fault.
I turn it on, and since it's been a while since it's been on, it takes a while to get all the notifications. I don't see anything from Zach, so I just call him. Away with the bullshit, we've just suffered a loss.
"Zach. I'm sorry, will you please come." I choke out before I cry again.
"Yes." It's all he says before he ends the call. About five seconds later he's walking in the room.
"What?" I say, surprised but absolutely relieved.
"I never really left, only to sleep. I've been sitting out there because I wanted to make sure you were ok."
"You're not mad at me?" He cups my cheek and gives me a soft smile.
"I don't want to get mad at you anymore." I wrap my arms around him and hug him. The pain's been slowly subsiding thanks to some very strong medication.
"Me neither." We stay embraced for a while, but then I remember what I have to do.
"I want you to be happy." I whisper. "And I think for that to happen you have to not see me anymore." He frowns and shakes his head.
"Emma, no. Now I understand how you felt. I lost the baby too! And I don't blame you, in fact, you're the only person I want to be with right now. I want to grieve with you and I want to move on with you. Let me be with you, and I'll let you be with me. Let's be together." He says, with a hint of urgency in his voice. And it's in this moment that every moment I've spent with Zach-- the good and the bad-- came rushing through my mind. I've always said I'm ready to move on or that I have but I haven't. And it's going to take me a while to get over losing our baby, but I know I won't shut Zach out. I know what it's like to be on that end. I know that after all we've been through we can't let each other go and there has to be a reason for that.
There has to be a reason for all of this.
"I'm sorry. You're right. " He nods and embraces me again.
"We'll be ok." Such simple, vague words and yet coming from him, they give me hope.
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I'm sorry for being so inconsistent as far as updates go. I have decided to keep on an update schedule that will be maintained! A new chapter will be posted every Friday and Wednesday. I'm going to post this one a little early and another chapter this Friday.
Please remember to vote and leave a comment! I would very much appreciate it, and I really want to hear your thoughts about these past couple of chapters...:(
Thank you!
Vivian (mockingjaygirl15)