The Struggles of Growing Up-Completed

Chapter 31

"Oh God, it's my fault." I sob into my hands. My body feels like it's breaking apart, so I curl myself in a ball to try to stay in one piece.

"No, it's not Emma. It's not." He chokes out and wraps his arms around me. They trail around my body and he's laying behind me on the small bed. I don't look at him, because it's my fault. I am the reason we lost our baby.

The water bottle. The lights. The noise. The truck. 

"Yes it is! I wasn't looking and- and-" I don't remember what happened after I saw the truck in the mirror. How could I not remember! What did I do... Did I accidentally brake? Did I swerve? After... it's a blur. 

"No, Emma, look at me." I shake my head and close my eyes tight. How can I face him now? My hands slowly make their way to my stomach, where my baby was. 

"Emma." he says again. I slowly and carefully turn my body so I'm lying on my back. I wince at the pain, then remember it doesn't matter. Not in comparison.

"Emma, a drunk driver hit you from behind. It was some fucking idiot who was driving nearly 80 miles per hour. He almost missed you, but he didn't, and it made your car hit the freeway railing. It was not your fault."

"I was supposed to love and protect our baby." I say in a small voice.

"Oh, sweetheart you did. We did."

"No, I-I didn't. I made him... or her feel unwanted. I am being punished. We are being punished because I didn't- I didn't want him, or her." I cry in my hands and this time I don't try to stop. How did everything get so messed up so quickly? One minute I'm going to tell Zach I want us to be a family, the three of us. The next... it's just the... two of us. Or maybe just me.

I didn't even get to find out the sex. I didn't get anything, we didn't get anything. 

"You can't blame yourself. If it's one thing I know, it's that blaming yourself doesn't help at all." I feel his warm hands slide over my cold, shaky ones. They stay there for a moment, before he attempts to pry my hands off my face. I hesitate, but finally let him. I look up at this darling man and wonder why I could get so angry over a baby, an innocent baby I never even got to see.

But his words, his words took me back to when I begged him to stop blaming himself.

"Yes. This whole mess started with me."

"It started with the both of us." I cut in. Weatherly and Zach both look at me, and I try to continue before I talk myself out of it.

"Remember, I had only seen you maybe once or twice, as kids, before the arranged marriage. My mom was the one who told me I should do that. Not you. I have a mind of my own, I've told you before, I hate that you take the credit for everything."

"Everything?" Weatherly asks.

I purse my lips. "Zach takes the blame for every repercussion that resulted from the marriage. It's mine and my mom's fault that we were shaky, and arguably still are. It's Lor's fault that she decided to shut me out that first year. I tell you this all the time, and yet you continue to blame yourself." I say through gritted teeth.

"Emma, I'd rather you hate one person than hate many." He says softly to me.

"Just don't shut me out, like I did to you." He says in a low, sad voice, and I'm brought back to the present. He's so vulnerable but so am I. I want to crawl under a rock and cry.

"This is different Zach." I whisper. "I am the reason we fought. I was driving. I got distracted, I- I am the reason we lost our baby."