Chapter 24 – Part 2 of 2
I had been waiting for today for over a week now. Emily had cancelled my last appointment and pushed it a bit further. Sitting in the waiting room, my heart was pounding in my chest and I was so nervous that I couldn't keep my hands from moving.
When I finally saw her face coming towards the waiting room, I stood up before she even said my name.
"Just give me two minutes." She said to me.
I nodded and sat back down irritated. It didn't happen often that I was anxious to be sitting in the chair in front of her. When she finally came back I waited.
"Come on in Amanda." She said smiling.
I smiled politely and walked quickly towards her office. I took my usual chair after I put my purse and my bag down. I grabbed a water bottle from my bag and put it on the table next to me.
When my eyes went to hers, she was already waiting for me to begin so I went straight to the point.
"How do you know if you're in love?" I asked.
I knew I surprised her when her head went back a little and her eyes got bigger.
"Wow. Okay...didn't expect that." She said.
"Sorry. Hi. How are you?" I asked, remembering my manners.
She laughed a bit, "I didn't mean that, your question caught me off guard. I haven't seen you in awhile... So, are you in love?" She asked.
"I hate when you answer a question with a question." I told her, the same answer she had told me many times before.
"Everyone is different. I mean, when they are in love. Some have butterflies, they feel on cloud nine...that they could do anything...that they are on a 'high'."
"On a high? Like smoking pot?" I asked her, looking at her curiously.
"No, not like smoking pot, like on a natural high. Always happy, always smiling, like nothing could ever bring them down."
"Oh." I said, a bit disappointed because I wasn't like that.
"While others it's different. They just know. They don't need to question it, they feel it in their gut. They think or talk about the person and smile automatically, it makes them happy. They could be bored out of your their mind but still be sitting next to the other person and be completely at ease." She said.
"Okay." I said, probably more to myself. I don't think I'm any one of those.
"Are you in love Amanda?" She asked.
"By what you just said, I guess not." I said looking anywhere but at her.
"Amanda, everyone is different and everyone has a different reaction. You probably don't feel like anything I just said and that's is perfectly normal. Only you can know the answer to that question, no one else."
"I think about him and I smile or even simply talk about him but... Sometimes...I think I do love him, other times, I just push it aside and try my best to ignore it." I confessed.
"Then give it time. Time will answer and confirm your question. Did Blake say anything to bring this on or is it just you?" She asked.
"It's just me. My grandmother said something awhile ago but, she got me thinking...but Blake didn't say anything. I'm pretty sure he will but we both know that if he does, I might run... Everyone knows it's a bad habit of mine."
"Then give it time. One thing I would suggest, don't push your thoughts, questions or feelings aside. There's no rush in finding answers but if you continue to push everything away, you'll never get to find the answer you're looking for, you'll stay stuck." She said.
"I think I do...love...him, you know? It freaks me out completely."
"Does that surprise you?" She asked.
"What do you mean?"
"The life that you've lived, I would be shocked if you'd say it flat out to him, not be nervous or scared. Everyone is scared to say those three words to someone they truly care for but you, it's different, you've lived a different life than most. Saying I love you to a man, I can imagine is difficult with seeing how Jesse was when you were little but your response, your feelings are understandable."
"How can I fix that?" I asked her.
"With time." She said and I rolled my eyes. "I know it's not an answer you want to hear but you can't force it or press fast forward like on a remote control. When and if you decide to tell him, you want to make sure you say it with your whole heart and that is the reason why time helps. If he says it first, that's perfectly fine but it doesn't mean you need to say it at that moment. He seems like a man who understands you and accepts you for who you are, if he is that kind of a man, he should understand why you aren't ready."
"He doesn't fully know me." I told her looking into her eyes.
"Please explain that to me."
"He doesn't know the real story about how Jesse died. He can't love me without knowing that. He can't truly understand me without having all the information. What if I tell him and he goes to the cops? What if he just leaves me there? What if he... I'm terrified that I'd lose him." I said honestly.
"That's a big decision, a very big decision. Do you trust him?" She asked.
"Um...yeah. Yeah I do, it's just... Like you said, it's a big decision and I'm not sure how to answer that...not for that subject but regarding anything else, absolutely."
"Well, I think you need to figure that one out as well. I'd like to help but those answers can only come from you and you alone. The only thing I can think of is maybe asking your mother for guidance, her thoughts on telling Blake about Jesse's death."
I nodded my head. It made sense. Even asking my dad as well, he knew Blake, maybe he would know how he would react a bit. My mother could give me 'permission' to tell him and give me advice.
"I'll talk to my parents about it." I told her.
She smiled and asked, "And how is everything else?"
I thought of my dad. Shit that's the first thing I should have said! Not talk about love crap but about my amazing father and how he had a heart attack!
I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. "Crap." I whispered to myself. Now I felt guilty which irritated me even more.
"My dad had a heart attack two months ago." I told her.
"Oh my goodness, Amanda I'm so sorry. How is he?" She asked.
"Getting better. It's been...crazy. I go to work, help around my parents’ house, help out with my dad, go to my place, go to Blake's place...it's just been crazy."
"That explains why I haven't seen you in so long. I am so sorry you and your family have to go through that. How is your mother handling it?"
"She said the same sentence so many times and it still breaks my heart." I said.
"What sentence does she say?" She asked.
"We didn't have enough time yet... It's too soon... Not yet..." I answered Emily.
"I can understand that. I'm sure she stays very close to home."
"Yeah, she barely leaves the house. She goes to work for a few hours while my dad's parents stays with him... it drives my dad crazy, he feels like they are babysitting him. My dad and his parents don't get along extremely well." I said.
"I remember you telling me they aren't around..."
"Yeah, they weren't around at all and now they're everywhere. To be honest, I kind of like having them around... Yeah we argue but... I was being hard headed at first...sometimes still but deep down I like having my grandparents around and finally really getting to know them. I never had that with them, that option." I told her.
"That's good Amanda. You are opening yourself up to people you hardly know. They are safe people or else your parents wouldn't let them be around. Do you feel safe talking to them because they are your grandparents and not strangers from... well real strangers?"
"That does make sense. I asked myself that the other day. I do believe that because they are family and my parents are okay with it, it allows me to be more open with them, to some degree." I answered.
"That's great Amanda. You were on a plateau for a long time and now you keep making progress each time I see you. You are brave and courageous...never stop making progress. I know you'll go very far. How are your brothers handling their father's heart attack?"
"A.J. had a really bad time but he's starting to get better. Sometimes he shuts down, but other times I see the old him come back to life. Felix is...Felix. I don't think he fully understands the severity of the situation but I'm glad he doesn't. I think all he understands is that dad was sick, he stayed at the hospital for awhile and now he's getting better. I try my best to take care of them when I'm at the house so that my mom can be with dad...so they can spend time together. I take my brothers out of the house or...anything to try and make them think of something different."
"And you?"
"..." I didn't know what to say. I guess I pushed that to the side as well. My eyes teared up and the tears went down my cheek.
I grabbed a tissue and wiped my tears away.
I knew she was still waiting for my answer, I also knew I pretty much answered it with my tears.
"Scared." Was the only word that came out.
"You need to allow yourself to feel that way Amanda."
I nodded my head.
"What if he would have died? What if he has another one?" I asked.
"But he didn't die. Concentrate on one day at a time that is all you can do."
"I need him around. I need him here with me. He can't die because...if he dies...everything else falls apart. People say someone is the heart of the family but for us...he's the glue...the stone...the rock. Without him...there's no us." I told her.
"Then concentrate on today. You'll drive yourself crazy with all the questions...all the 'what if's'. Take it one day at a time, go visit as much as you can, call...most importantly, treasure the moments you have together. Don't just do it with your dad, apply that to everyone around you. Remember the big things but cherish the little things as well. The smiles, the laughter, the inside jokes... No one can truly know what the future holds, everyone knows that no one lives forever so it's important to treasure the moments and our memories." She said.
Again, not able to speak I nodded my head while wiping my tears.
"Like my mom said...it's just too soon. It feels like yesterday I walked into his apartment with my mom when we left the hospital, after Jesse died. It went by so fast when I look back. A.J. ...and Felix, they're too young to lose their dad...and I don't know how I'd survive without him."
"I'm sure he has great doctors taking care of him and doing all they can to keep him healthy. Everyone would love to control things around us...to keeping us safe, to winning the lottery. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. That's why I suggest focusing on little things and taking it one day at a time. You'll burn yourself out if you keep going like you are. You look good, well put together but your head is going 100 miles an hour. Try to slow it down, breathe. Take a bath and relax. If you want, ask Blake to join you that might help." She said smiling a bit.
I laughed at that. "Help and distract." I said.
"Both are not a bad idea at all." Emily said with a big smile making me laugh again.
"Thank you." I told her and she smiled.
"I know you need to concentrate on family right now and if you don't want to book your next session today I understand but I would advise against it. Today you spoke about major things that are happening in your life. I don't want you to go over the edge with the stress you're under."
"Neither do I, but coming here or not won't change the level of stress." I said honestly.
"You're right, your stress level won't change but speaking about it and letting your emotions out will help. If you keep it in your emotions will come out, not in a good way, and probably not at a good time, nor at the right person. Doing it here would be better. It's a safe and controlled environment, you won't hurt anyone’s feelings by doing it here."
Taking a moment to think about it, I knew she was right. I didn't want to blow up in anger at the wrong person because I wasn't angry at anyone in specific, I was angry at the situation with my dad. Talking about things did help and again she was right, I wouldn't hurt anyone’s feelings if I did it here. They wouldn't even know about it.
"Let's do it in three weeks." I told her.
"That sounds good. If you need to see me earlier, you know the number. I'll be thinking of you and your family. I hope your father continues to do well." She said.
"Thanks, me too." I said with a small smile.
We both got up and I grabbed my things making sure to pick up my water bottle from the small table.
"I'll see you in three weeks." She told me when we got to the waiting room.
"Yeah, sounds good." I told her.
I walked to the reception, booked my next appointment and paid for my session. I knew exactly where I was headed next. I was happy to have the day off.
I left the building and walked to my car. I grabbed my phone out of my purse and called my mom.
It rang a few times before she answered, "Hi baby! How are you? How did your session go?"
"It went fine. What time are you done work?" I asked.
"In about an hour. Why? What's going on?"
"I just need to talk to you about something, probably dad too." I said.
"Well, come over anytime. Dad is there and so are your grandparents."
"Okay, I will. I'll see you when you get home." I said to her.
"Okay, see you soon. Love you."
I chuckled, "Love you too mom." I said and hung up.
I got in my car and started to make my way to my parents’ house. I knew I probably wasn't ready to tell Blake the truth about Jesse's death but I needed to know what my parents thought of it. I felt like a little kid because I wanted my parents’ permission to either tell him or not. I wasn't sure what I wanted to hear but I knew I needed the answer regardless. If they said no, I knew they wouldn't change their minds for a very long time but at least I'd know.
I drove without music and my windows completely rolled down making my hair move from the wind. I just tried to relax and control my breathing...just like Emily said.
****Please Comment & Vote! Thank you!!****
Hey everyone, so that’s the end of Chapter 24. I hope you liked it. If you want more info about when chapters/parts are going to be posted, I give that information on my Facebook page, also how things are with me/my health.
I hope you all have a great night!
xx