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Sunday, March 12 2011
I woke up in my bed and gazed at the white roof of my room. A giant smile spread across my still sleeping face as I remembered the nice night out with my mom and Jake yesterday. Our happy little trio had gone to eat at Brio in Pembroke Pines. It was the best mushroom ravioli I’ve ever had!
I rolled onto my side to see the time. It was just ten in the morning so Jake and my mom would still be asleep. Man were they tried people!
A very unpleasant recognition soon became known to me. I was probably rolling around in bed with a thin pad while I was menstruating.
I shot up and out of my bed and grabbed some fresh underwear from the bedside table drawers along with a pair of shorts I had left sprawled on the floor last night.
I’d be ready and armed for Mother Nature’s curse! Uh-huh!
As I sprinted to the bathroom, I closed the doors behind me and opened the cabinets to get a real and fresh pad.
I sat down for my morning business.
Oh god...
My heart nearly plummeted down my chest when I didn’t see what I wanted to see. I had been armed for something that hadn’t even begun yet.
My period is four days late. That’s it. I can’t put it down any longer. I have to do something.
But what? I’ve never been late for my period! But what could be the reason?
Simple acting up of hormones? Medical condition? Or...
No. No. No. Please no!
Everything’s been so perfect lately! I’ve finally been learning to live since that night! I was somehow happy in this screwed up place and now I’m suspecting I’m-
Shut up. I snapped at myself.
Maybe I’m just overreacting? I mean, this doesn’t have to be the worst of situations unless I make it so. Right?
Then why is there this gut feeling inside of me that says this is the worst of situations?
I had been avoiding the very possible possibility. It couldn’t have been anymore accurate.
My clothes had been tighter on me, I had been peeing like a mad woman, I had been fatigued, and there was a point that I had so much saliva I wanted to spit at someone’s face!
I finished using the bathroom.
I dressed up.
I got my mom’s key.
Got inside her car.
And drove to Walgreens.
I couldn’t even think right as I walked in through the store’s doors. All I knew was that it felt as if I was walking on a cloud; a very unbelievable and horrible rain cloud.
Suddenly, I was facing the small section of pregnancy tests. I didn’t know anything about pregnancy tests so I got the only one whose commercial had been shown on MTV last night.
A small pink box called First Response. It seemed to be able to the trick and the fact that it had two tests in the box was also very accommodating.
I just hoped that I could back up the test results and get a negative. I didn’t even want to think of how I’d react if I got a positive!
Then, in that ghost-like state, I went to the cash register and took a bottle of water from the small freezer next to it. I only had one person in front of me since not many people decide to wake up at ten in the morning to go to a pharmacy.
I placed the two pieces of merchandise on the empty surface when my turn was up and started to reach for the bill in my pocket.
Just as I was about to give the cashier her money, I stopped. What was the look she was giving me? Shame? Pity?
I didn't want any of them! I hadn’t asked for any of this and I was definitely not fooling around and advertising my need for fertilization! None of this crap had been something I had asked for!
I could feel my eyes moisten when she ran the money in her register and gave me the white nylon bag.
I walked out of the sliding doors and began to drink the water I had bought, hoping to enable my fluid flow. Then I got into the car and kept drinking as I drove.
Pulling my car into the driveway of my house, I felt that small burn indicating I needed a toilet.
My keys slid into the front door lock and I opened it. My house seemed to carry that same quiet and eery feeling as it did a month ago on that morning.
I was reliving that nightmare I had hoped so much to forget or at least never relive.
Why me? I didn’t deserve this.
I walked into the bathroom and with shaking hands, opened the pink box and dumped out its contents onto the counter.
Then I did what I needed to do and peed on the seemingly harmless pregnancy stick. The thing is, it isn’t harmless. This little thing will tell me right now if my life will take a drastic turn for the worse or stay as it is. I wished so badly that it would stay as it is.
I didn’t need this. Especially not now that I was finally getting better.
Waiting for ninety-nine agonizing seconds as the test decided, I hoped to God that I would just laugh about this when it turned out to be negative. I wished that I would just shake my head at my stupidity and meaningless worry.
Yet I would never be able to. Laughing, wishing, and hoping didn’t seem possible as I stared at the two parallel red ticks that appeared. They were staring at me, screaming at me, as they indicated the result: Positive.
No. This could be a mistake. I could be that rare one precent that was mistaken. I refuse to believe this easily!
I ran to the kitchen and drank as much water as I needed until I felt that burn once again.
Then I ran to the bathroom and repeated the excruciating procedure once more.
Positive.
My hands were trembling as I grasped onto the test. I sank to the floor and crouched into the corner of the wall as tears started to escape my eyes.
I had hoped that I’d never have to cry about something so serious and painful again but that had been a worthless hope.
I made sure to control the sobs that wanted to vibrate as they left me and I cried in silence.
Why couldn’t I just catch a break? For once, why couldn’t my life stay as it was?
I let the test drop onto the floor as I buried my wet face into my hands and cried until I felt completely drained inside.
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