Nishelle
This was it. I was giving birth to my rapist child. The adoptive parents who where going to take the baby was outside the room waiting for the arrival. I looked to my left and right no one was in the room with me but the doctor and nurses. This room felt so cold and dull. I hated it. I pushed and pushed and finally i heard boisterous lungs hitting all four corners of the room. I was able to get a glance and it was a baby girl. Wow she's beautiful. They didn't even let me hold her upon my request. They just shipped her away. Instantly a flood of tears began to crowd my eyes. The nurses and doctors started looking at me all at the same time and shaking their head. What did i do? Did i just make the biggest mistake of my life? No!!!!!! Wait!!!!!! "Bring her back!!!" i screamed. The nurses were ignoring me ushering my baby girl out the room. That was it she was GONE........
I woke up drenched in sweat and crying my eyes out. I've been having this reoccurring dream ever since a few days ago. I don't understand it. It's leaving me confused. I have my mind set so what is it trying to tell me? I know it couldn't be saying to keep this baby. It really had me thinking though. Cordell woke up and instantly started to rub my back.
"Did it happen again?" he asked.
"Yeah". "I don't get it" I said wiping my face with Cordell's oversize T-shirt i was wearing.
Cordell sat there in silence for a moment before saying something. "Maybe you just scared babe. Don't let some dream deter you away from how you feel. It was just a bad dream because you thinking about it so much."
"Yeah. I just hope i'm making the right decision...."
It was 3am. The day of my appointment. I conjured up some back bone monday night and called my mother to tell her what i was doing. I don't even know if she even believed me. She showed no emotion over the phone. I did all the talking. She barely spoke anything to me but three words. "ok, "yeah", and "bye". It hurt me to hear that she didn't even care. I don't know where my mother had changed but she did. It's almost as if i don't even know her anymore. I climbed out of my thoughts and decided to just go back to bed. I had to be up in a few hours anyway. This was it......or so i thought.
Cordell
I was getting worried about Nishelle. She has been really quiet these past few days and these dreams she been having are disturbing. A dream about keeping your rapist child's baby? It just didn't sit right with me. I hope she goes through with it. If she doesn't i don't know what to think or do. Could i be apart of this child's life if she was to keep it? Man this is crazy. I fell in love with a girl that is carrying someone else's baby. This is like some Joseph, Mary's husband in the bible type ish.
It was 8:30 in the morning and Nishelle and i was up getting dressed to go. She was really quiet again. I know this had to be a lot on her though. Her phone started going off. she answered and put it on speaker as always, continuing to get dressed.
"Hello.." she answered.
"Shell it's Nyla what time is your appointment?"
"9:45 why...."
"we're coming..."
"what? who's we?
"me,Bri, and Jamyis who else?"
"No! Yall stay in school seriously i'm a big girl i can handle it..."
Nyla sucked her teeth and the phone went silent.
"Really?..." Nishelle said looking at the phone then looking up at me.
"What happen?" I asked looking over to her throwing on my Yankee Fitted.
"This heffa just hung up on me..." She said.
I started laughing and then my phone began to ring. It was Nyla.
"Wad up"
"Ya girl is stubborn. I can't speak to her! Whats the name of the clinic yall going to?"
"Buckhead Clinic"
"Ok see yall there and knock some sense into her...Bye"
"iight" I said laughing. Nyla ended the conversation before i did. That girl is something else.
"Cordell!!!!" nishelle uttered.
"What! they wanna support you! Babe don't be like that."
She went into her little huffs and walked into the bathroom. I aint care. Nishelle is a person where she gotta believe it to see it type of person. She's so stubborn sometimes but i love her stubbornness. Joint kinda is a turn on.
I followed her into the bathroom where she was fixing her hair.
"Whats really wrong cause i know it has nothing to do with ya girls coming." I stated.
"This is rough. This is suppose to be one of the happiest years of high school and i'm dealing with real world sh*t already."
"In life we go through many things. Real world life has no age love. You can be dealt a bad hand from the day you were born. But realize what this situation brought you. You found me in a damn library! You got kicked out, but gained a whole new home and family who will kill for you already. You gotta see you gonna get through Ni and your not alone! Count the blessing you have. Yeah you miss your sister and stuff but let life work it out better yet God."
She went to crying again. I went to embrace her. It was paining me to see her like this.
"I got you ma."
We headed into the Clinic. Nyla, Brienne, and Jamyis was five minutes away. We signed in and sat and waited. Nishelle was handed a clipboard to fill out the basics. Thats when her mother walked in. She seemed elsewhere and distant. She cordially walked over to us and spoke to Nishelle not even acknowledging my presence. Damn she rude.
"Hey. Who do i speak to? To confirm?" She asked her.
"You need to sign your signature at the bottom of this paper under parental consent and you have to show your identification to them. Nishelle got up and walked up to the window with her and they handled that part of the process.
Jamyis, Brienne, and Nyla came walking in. They came and sat over by me.
"Ms. Mona showed up!?" Brienne asked me.
"Yeah. she rude as hell though. She aint acknowledge me or nothing."
"Thats Ms. Mona for you" Jamyis said shaking her head.
I saw Mona leave after not even saying goodbye to us and Nishelle walking back over to us.
"Hey yall." Nishelle hugged them then sitting down.
"Wassup with your mother? she still actin stank? I see she aint even come near us to say hi or nothing." Nyla said.
"Im not worried about her right now. It's evident she still hasn't forgiven me among other issues". Nishelle said sitting back leaning her head back against the wall. She sat there silent the rest of the wait. We tried to lighten the situation but shell was in another world. At this rate all we could do was just be there for her and support her.
"Nishelle Palmer" the nurse called for her.
"We are right here ok." Jamyis said looking at Nishelle.
Shell nodded and then followed the nurse to the back.
"This is crazy i thought i would never be in here!" Brienne stated out the blue.
"I think that makes all of us..." Nyla replied.
I sat there quiet listening to them in deep thought.
"Corbs you iight homie you look in deep thought.." Jamyis asked looking at me.
"I'm good just glad it it ain't my baby......I just feel bad she gotta go through this." I said.
"Werd." Jamyis replied.
In what seemed like less than ten minutes Nishelle walked out crying. I know the procedure was going to be quick but not this quick. We all jumped up to meet her standing there by the door not moving but crying.
"Baby what happen!!!?" I asked grabbing her into my chest.
"I..I couldn't....do....do it" She said in between breaths.
I stood back to look at her. I wasn't sure if i was hearing correctly. "What you say?"
Nishelle
" I just couldn't do it. I didn't go through with the abortion" I reiterated.
They all looked at me like shocked and confused puppies. I went in that room already with a made up mind not to go through with it. I just went in to see if it would change with seeing the set up and it confirmed my already made decision. What many would say abortion is an automatic in a case of rape conception, i thought different. I knew i would have to live with whatever I chose to do. I didn't know how i as going to react days, months, or even years later, but i knew experiences and how i would deal with things, and all though it was very traumatic and still is, i knew from other obstacles in my life that i could get through this as well. I remember the death of my father and how it hit me dead on the moment i heard my grandmother say "your father is gone" i lost it for a while. I don't know where the turn was for me that my emotional state calmed but it did and i knew i had to be strong for my mother and family. I knew then and there God gave me a strong backbone to deal with the things i was dealt in this life, even though it takes time at first. I had to look at this in another light because if i don't i don't know how i'm going to get through this pregnancy alive. But i'm determined to give someone a chance at life. In this rape conception my body simply did what a woman's body does when it's fertile and producing an egg that is fertilized by sperm. In a funny way, what helped me make sense of it was this: A man can can produce semen anytime he wants, but I only produce an egg for 24-48 hours a month. Therefore it was primarily my body and not his act, that called my baby into being. This isn't an attempt to deny the horror of being raped, or the contribution of that to the pregnancy. But if he'd raped me shortly before or after he did, I wouldn't have got pregnant. My body determined that, and this way of making sense of it has been enormously great for me. I don't know how i came up with this crazy logic but its helping me and thats what matters. I just hope everyone else can understand my decision...
"Wait your going to keep it!?" Nyla budded in.
"Guys look this may sound dumb as hell to you but i just couldn't do it. As much as i thought i was set those dreams meant something and i don't think i could live with myself if i did. Although this situation was out of rape i cant live my life knowing what could have been. Having that abortion would have been more traumatic for me than going through with this. Im not saying what Katrell did was right nor am i saying i forgive him right now because i don't, but i don't have a right to kill an innocent child. I wouldn't be able to live with it."
They were all still silent until Jamyis came to me and hugged me.
"I respect it." " i may not agree right now but i respect it"
"Thank you." I let out a breath i didn't know i was holding hearing that someone stood on my side about this.
The girls then came and hugged me.
"We got your back. You don't have to do this alone." Brienne stated.
I looked over to where Cordell stood and he was GONE. Damn. So much for love and support.
"Guys you seen Dell?" I asked coming out of the embrace.
"He was just behind us." Nyla said looking around confused.
"Maybe he went to the bathroom." Brienne guessed.
We waited almost ten mins. He never came out. I decided to call his phone. No Answer. Straight to voicemail. What the hell?
"No answer straight to voicemail" I said to the girls.
"Are you kidding me?" "Come on let's go to the parking lot to see if his car is there. He wouldn't have left like that!" Jamyis stated.
We got to the parking lot which wasn't big at all and no sign of his car. He really left me like that? I know my decision wasn't the norm but really leave me here? This didn't seem right. This wasn't Cordell.
"Come let's go to my car i will drive you to his house." Brienne stated.