Fresia really wants to hate Mona right now. What she said yesterday bothered her. It bothered her so much that she had to stay away from Bullet for a while to think it through. Hindi niya matanggap ang sinabi ng kaibigan niya. There's no way. It's too soon. Ilang buwan pa lamang silang magkakilala ni Bullet, love na kaagad?
"Ano ba ang tingin mo sa love? Parang matigas na karne na palalambutin mo muna bago mo kainin? You can instantly feel it. Minsan hindi mo na kailangang maghintay. Mararamdaman mo na sya kaagad. Recognizing and acknowledging it are what take time," naalala niyang paliwanag nito sa kanya.
Mona has been in love before. Siya, hindi pa. Pagkakatiwalaan ba niya ang judgment ng kaibigan?
"Hey..." untag sa kanya ni Bullet. "May problema ba? Sobrang tahimik mo."
Nasa pinakanghulihan sila ng kotse nito nakaupo. He didn't want to drive home, so Felix took the wheel. At dahil nasa unahan din si Felix, sa passenger's seat na rin naupo si Mona, which left her alone with Bullet at the back.
"Inaantok lang ako," dahilan niya.
After dinner sila nagbyahe pabalik dahil sa mga pagkaing niluto ng dalawang matanda. Mona and Bullet helped cook as well. Dahil ayaw nina Bullet na ibigay ang recipe, nauwi na lamang si Mona sa pag-o-observe. Mukhang masaya naman ang kaibigan niya dahil alam na nito kung paano lutuin ang ilan.
Bullet believed what she said. He made her lean on his chest. "Matulog ka muna."
"You're already in love with him," naalala niyang sabi ni Mona.
No! her mind protested. It's too soon for that!
There has to be some logical explanation as to why her cheeks keep heating up when he says something sweet or how her heart beats a little faster when they're this close. Baka nasu-sobrahan lamang siya sa kape dahil nahahawa siya kay Bullet.
"Are you okay?" she heard him ask. He tilted her chin up. "Your face is red."
"I-I... uhm—"
"Magkadikit na naman kayo!" bulalas ni Mona mula sa unahan.
"Shut up! She's sleepy," dahilan ni Bullet.
Agad siyang humiwalay dito at sumandal sa may bintana. "I-I'll just lean this way," mahina niyang sabi.
"Hindi ka kumportable dyan." Hinila siya nitong muli. "Huwag mo na lang pansinin si Mona."
But Mona's not the problem. Mona was actually the relief she needed. She feels like her heart would burst. The feeling she has for Bullet intensifies evert day and she doesn't know how long she could contain it, if she can contain it.
Gusto niyang lumayo rito para makapag-isip siya nang maayos. His presence ruins her better judgment. At the same time, gusto rin niyang palaging nakadikit dito. Because he makes her happy.
Yumakap siya rito at pumikit. Iisipin na lamang siguro niya ang tungkol sa sinabi ng kaibigan kinabukasan. Right now, she just likes the way he holds her.
--
Fresia was already falling asleep when she heard her phone rang. Hindi na sana niya sasagutin pero nakita niyang mommy niya ang tumatawag. Her parents don't call her unless it's something really important. Kahit nga noong birthday niya, text message lang ang natanggap niya mula sa mga ito.
She straighten up and answered the call. Pinauuwi siya ng mga ito kinabukasan.
Nabanggit ng mga ito sa kanya dati ang planong mag-abroad. That was a few years ago. Ngayon, mukhang nagkakatotoo na. They wanted to sell the house. Pinauuwi siya para kunin ang mga gamit niya. They also wanted to throw Fiona's things away. I-donate ang mga kailangang i-donate at ipagbenta ang ilan.
"It's been five years, Fresia. We all need to move on," her mother told her when she voiced out her objection.
"But can't we do it next weekend? I have work tomorrow."
"Day-off ng daddy mo bukas," malamig nitong sabi. "And I'm already on leave."
So siya na naman ang kailangang mag-adjust. Napabuntong-hininga siya. "All right."
"Good. Come here early. We have something to discuss with you."
She rolled her eyes. What's it going to be this time? "Fine."
Her mother ended the call immediately.
"It's my mother," she told Bullet. "She wants me to go home tomorrow."
Ikinwento niya rito ang planong pag-a-abroad ng mga magulang.
"Kasama ka?"
Umiling siya. "Sila lang."
She didn't know if she'd be happy or upset. Ayaw naman niyang sumama sa dalawa dahil alam niyang mai-itsapwera lamang siya roon. Besides, why would she want to go if he's here? Pero masakit pa ring hindi man lamang siya tinanong ng mga magulang kung gusto ba niyang sumama. It's like they didn't even think about her.
"Are you okay?" may pag-aalala nitong tanong.
"Yeah." Pilit siyang ngumiti. "Nakakainis lang kasi hindi pa nila ginawang weekend."
He rubbed her shoulder. "Gusto mo samahan kita?"
And let her mother mock him again? There's just no way. "Huwag na. Baka may kung ano na namang sabihin sa 'yo ang parents ko."
Bullet smiled. "I can handle it."
"No," she insisted. "Ayokong ma-badtrip ka rin. I'll go alone, so when I come home to you, mari-recharge ako."
Lalong lumapad ang ngiti nito. "Okay. I'll just cook a scrumptious dinner for you."
--
That Monday morning was one of those rare days where she's the first one to wake up. Alas cinco pa lamang ng umaga ay gising na siya. She made coffee and took a quick bath. Since marunong na siya ng tamang pagtitimpla ng pancakes, gumawa na rin siya ng mix.
When Bullet woke up, she was already making them.
He hugged her from behind and kissed her neck. "Good morning."
"Morning," she murmured.
He took the spatula from her hand and flipped the pancake. "What time will you be going home later?"
"I don't know. Pero hindi naman ako magtatagal do'n. Kukunin ko lang 'yong mga gamit ko tapos aalis na 'ko."
"Are you sure you don't want me to come? Baka marami kang dadalhin. Pwede akong tagabuhat."
With his big arms, he can lift anything. Tiningnan niya ang braso nitong nakayakap sa kanya. She loves to be wrapped around those arms all day, every day. They make her feel secure, na parang protektadong-protektado siya.
"Konti na lang naman ang gamit ko do'n." Halos lahat ay nasa apartment na niya. Hindi rin naman kasi siya madalas umuwi. Wala rin naman siyang uuwian kung nagkataon dahil parehong palaging wala sa bahay ang parents niya. "And besides, you have work."
"I can always reschedule my client meetings," sabi nito sabay halik sa ulo niya.
She poured the mix to the pan and covered it. Saka siya humarap dito. "Huwag ka ngang pasaway."
"I just want to be with you all day. Kahit pa kasama ang parents mo."
Why is this guy so sweet? Paano siya makakalma kung ganito ito palagi? She bit her lip to supress her smile, but he read the action differently. She received another sweet kiss from him. The kiss lingered for god knows how long. Kung hindi pa nila maaamoy na parang may nasusunog ay hindi sila maghihiwalay.
The pancake suffered. It was almost black when she took it out.
"Tsk. Sayang," sabi niya na may kasamang buntong-hininga.
"Pwede pa yan." Nilagyan ni Bullet ng butter at syrup ang pancake saka iyon kinain.
"It's burnt!"
"Masarap pa rin naman," nakangiti nitong sabi.
Parang may butterfly garden na sa tiyan niya. Hindi na mawala-wala ang kilig na nararamdaman niya. Is she still sane? Oh, god! Mona might be right after all.
--
Fresia believes in the balance of things. Kapag may swerte, may malas. Ang swerte niya ay nagtapos agad nang umalis siya ng apartment. Now, she's headed again to dreadville, where her parents reside. Parang ayaw pa nga siyang paalisin ng Maynila dahil traffic.
But she had to, so she endured.
Matapos ang ilang oras na byahe ay nakarating din siya sa wakas. Marami nang kahon sa loob ng bahay. Her father was putting things inside one while her mom sweeps the floor. They both gave her a nod when she came in.
Wala man lang kumusta? Well, what's new?
"Magsimula ka sa kwarto ng ate mo," utos sa kanya ng ina. "Separate the ones that can be sold or donated. Kumuha ka ng isang box dyan. Do'n mo ilagay ang gusto mong dalhin."
Tumango siya at inilagay ang gamit sa isang upuan.
Ilang taon na rin siyang hindi nakapapasok sa silid ng kapatid. When Fiona died, her parents wanted to get rid of her things right away. Naaalala raw kasi ng mga ito ang pagkamatay ni Fiona. They just couldn't bear seeing her things there. But she told them to keep Fiona's things, dahil ayaw naman niyang mawala agad ang mga alaala ng kapatid.
Siguro ay naawa sa kanya ang mga magulang noon kaya pinagbigyan siya ng mga ito. Linggo-linggong may naglilinis ng buong bahay. The room could have been dustier if not for that. Inaayos-ayos ang mga gamit ni Fiona roon para hindi dagain.
She looked up at the empty ceiling and was instantly reminded of the night when she found her sister hanging there. Wala na ang ceiling fan na ginamit nito para kunin ang sariling buhay. Ang kama nito ay nasa isang tabi, pinapatungan ng mga gamit.
When Bullet told her about his nightmares, she thought of Fiona. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang dahilan ng mga bangungot na iyon, but she feels like it's one of the things that connected him to her. Similarities, kumbaga.
Inilapag niya ang kahon sa sahig at saka kumuha ng isang kahong may lamang gamit sa ibabaw ng kama. Medical books ang nakalagay doon. Donate, agad niyang naisip.
She pushed the whole box to her left and took another one. Mga damit naman ng ate niya ang nandoon. Dati pa niya gustong isuot ang mga damit nito. Mga mamahalin kasi at magaganda ang disenyo. But Fiona didn't want to lend her her clothes.
Some would still fit her, but she didn't take any. Baka multuhin siya ng kapatid.
Inilagay niya ang mga kahon na may lamang damit sa kaliwa niya.
She sorted through boxes of clothes, shoes, and books. Sa sobrang dami, hindi niya namalayang inabot na pala siya ng tanghalian. Kung hindi pa siya tatawagin ng ina para kumain ay baka hindi siya makakaramdam ng gutom.
The boxed things brought a lot of memories. Kung hindi mo titingnan ang lahat ng kahon, hindi mo makikilala ng personal ang kapatid niya. Even Fiona's things couldn't reveal her thoughts or feelings... save for one box where she kept her personal things. She even kept a diary, pero hindi na nila makita ang susi. Nag-aalangan naman siyang buksan iyon. Somehow, she was afraid of the things she will find written there. Kasi baka walang tungkol sa kanya. O baka maraming tungkol sa kanya... pero hindi magaganda ang nakasulat.
Mamaya na niya hahanapin ang nasabing kahon. For now, she needs to deal with her hunger.
--
Tatlong ulam ang nakahain sa lamesa. Tig-iisang mangkok. Sinigang na hipon para sa daddy niya, ginisang gulay para sa mommy niya, at menudo naman para sa kanya. Sa hitsura pa lamang ay alam na niyang binili ang mga ulam sa malapit na karinderya.
Why would her mom bother cooking lunch? Hindi naman ito marunong magluto.
"Kumain ka na. Marami pa tayong gagawin," sabi nito sa kanya.
A tasteless food is still food. Tiniis na lamang niya ang bland na menudo. Kung si Bullet sana ang nagluto, siguradong mapaparami ang kain niya. Pero dahil iba, nakuntento na siya sa isang plato ng kanin lang.
"How's work?" she heard her mom ask.
Itinuro niya ang sarili. "You're asking me?"
Bahagyang tumaas ang kilay nito. "Who else should I be asking?"
Tumikhim siya. "Well... works okay. Marami kaming fittings and alterations kasi malapit na ang December."
They get clients all year round, but they're the busiest kapag malapit na ang June at December. Nai-extend pa ang dami ng trabaho hanggang February.
"But you're not that busy, right?"
She shrugged. "May days na hindi gaanong busy. Why do you ask?"
Her parents exchanged looks. Uh-oh. What would it be about this time?
"We... set you up with someone," her father answered.
"What?"
"We figured na since wala na rin naman kayo ni Richard and it seems like you don't plan on getting back to him, then you should start dating someone else. We know this doctor—"
"I have a boyfriend!" she exclaimed.
"Oh, please. We know you just made that guy pretend because Richard came to the wedding," her mother said dismissively.
Napamaang siya. "He's really my boyfriend!" giit niya.
Tiningnan siya ng mataman ng ina. "But you're not serious with him, right? He's just a designer or something."
Ikinuyom niya ang mga palad. "I'm just a designer too, mom!"
"Fresia..." singit ng daddy niya. "What your mother meant was that okay lang namang mag-boyfriend ka. Whoever you want is fine."
"Really?" may pang-uuyam niyang tanong.
"But..." her father continued, "you also have to think about your future. Keep your options open. Huwag kang mag-settle sa kung sino-sino lang."
Bumuga siya ng hangin. This is why she never comes home. Palagi na lamang siyang pinipilit na sundin ang gusto ng mga ito. They even meddle with her personal affairs! Matatanggap pa sana niya kung interes niya ang inuuna ng mga ito. But no. All they care about was the family reputation.
Tumayo siya. "I don't settle for just anyone. He's not just anyone!"
"Fresia..."
"Just do what you do best and stay out of my business!"
Dali-dali siyang bumalik sa kwarto ng ate niya at isinara ang pinto. Nagpupuyos siya sa galit. How dare they insult Bullet? How dare they look down on her choices? Na para bang wala na siyang magawang tama. Na para bang hindi niya alam kung ano ang mabuti para sa sarili niya.
Huminga siya nang malalim. Just a few more boxes and then she can go home. Instead of going through the rest, hinanap na lamang niya ang kahon na naglalaman ng mga personal na gamit ni Fiona.
She doesn't need most of the things to preserve her sister's memory. Siguro ay ang mga bagay na lamang na malapit sa puso nito ang iuuwi niya. Her parents can also throw her things away if they want to. Ilang damit lamang naman iyon.
Bumungad sa kanya ang diary ng kapatid. It's still locked, wala pa ring nagbubukas. Inilagay niya iyon sa kahong dala niya. There are also some pictures and letters inside. Mga sulat ng mga dati nitong kaklase. Mga litrato nito noong nag-aaral pa ito. Kumuha siya ng ilang pictures at isinantabi ang mga natira.
Sa kailaliman ng kahon ay may isang maliit na kwadradong kahon. May kulay itim na taling nakapulupot doon. She saw this box before. Gusto niya itong buksan noon pa, pero nang makita siya ng ina na pinakikialaman ang gamit ni Fiona ay kinuha nito iyon sa kanya at pinalabas siya ng kwarto.
Now, it's back inside the box again.
Tinanggal niya ang tali at binuksan ang kahon. Inside was a golden bullet with a cross engraved on one side and the initials B.A.C. on the rim.