The goodbyes were sweet enough. Gemma an I exchanged numbers to keep in contact. Anne had hugged me tight and told me that I would be okay. Whatever that means. I was not in a good mood to say the least I felt cold and numb and I just wanted to lay down and sleep II was heartbroken. And angry. I was angry at myself for not seeing it. Not seeing how bad he was for me. Falling in love with someone who will never love you back is like being hit with a car. They are basically the same equivalent. I could feel Harry looking at me. Quite intensely might I add. I turned to meet his gaze. Something I didn't normally do. Which seemed to surprise him as well as myself.
"What?" I asked. My tone didn't even waver. I sounded dead.
Harry seemed taken aback by the question and didn't know exactly how to answer. Shocker.
"I just...I...uhh," he stuttered.
"Words, Haz. Use your words," I told him raising my eyebrows.
"Nothing," he mumbled and walked to the left side of the car. We both hopped in and to my surprise he buckled up his seatbelt. I did too and we sat in silence. The whole trip back was quiet and uncomfortable in the small space of the car. The only sound emitting from anywhere was the radio. At one point Colorblind by Counting Crows came on and we both reached for the radio at the same time. Our fingers skimmed each other and just that was enough to make me want to hold him all night long. Or for forever. Whichever would do. But he didn't want too. He didn't think things like that. Unfortunately, he was just a punk kid. A punk kid that I happened to be in love with.
Harry's P.O.V.
Our fingers skimmed when we reached for the radio. The light contact set my skin on fire. It was such a strange feeling to want someone so much. She will always be my first love and I knew the feeling, but with Harper it was different. She was so convinced that all I want from her is sex. I want more than that though. What exactly is the real question. I just...I want to know how her day was, I want to know what she thinks about life, I want to know her favorite movies, I want to know everything that there is to know and then some. I wanted her. All of her. I just didn't know how to tell her that. I didn't know how to express these feelings whatever they might be.
Deep down inside, way, way deep down inside I knew what these feelings were. They were just so deep that I didn't know how to shed light on them. I didn't know how to bring them up and say them. You think it'd be easy, but its not. Admitting it to myself is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Admitting it to someone else seemed impossible. I think I might have a stroke if I tried.
She moved her hand away from mine and I turned it up with a silent sigh. The song flowed through the car and between us and I felt like crying. But I deserved it. It was my fault that things were like this.
I figured it out along the way that she obviously had feelings for me. She was letting me kiss her and treat her like a queen, and then she was returning the favor. Harper wasn't the type of girl to just kiss and go on about her life. It had to mean something to her. How long though? Why? Why me? What on Earth could I have that she wanted? I was so bad for her. I couldn't treat her the way she deserved. She had to know that. I glanced at her at a red light. She was curled up looking out the window. A tear had fallen from her eye and my chest clenched at the sight.
"Harper?" I said softly.
"Yeah," she said choked, but trying to act like she wasn't crying.
"I'm sorry," I said. My voice cracked and my throat closed on me.
"I know," she replied turning to look at me now.
A tear rolled down my cheek and I let it. I officially did not care anymore. She reached over and grabbed my hand giving it a squeeze.
This is so messed up. She's trying to comfort me when this was probably hurting her a lot more.
She held my hand the rest of the way home, and I held hers. We pulled up to the apartment around 12:00 a.m. I looked over at Harper to find her asleep. She looked so cute. So innocent and free of pain. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I got out of my side of the car and went over to hers. I opened her door softly so I didn't wake her.
Louis came outside and got some of our bags. I nodded to him in thanks and he just smiled. I lifted Harper out of her seat after unbuckling her. I looked at her while I walked. Her in my arms like this was something that could never be matched. The feeling of being so close to her. She lulled her head over to my chest and I smiled softly. El held the door open for me. She smiled at me and Harper and I sort of smiled back.
I placed Harper down on my bed. She was in a big t-shirt already, but it would get uncomfortable in those jeans. I hesitated but decided I face the consequences later. I unbuttoned her jeans and grit my teeth. Unzipping them was even worse. Sliding them off was torture. I threw them in the hamper and quickly strode away from the bed. I ran my hand through my hair and tried not to scream. Once I caught my breath I walked back over and covered her up with the covers careful not to touch her. I guess I was afraid skin to skin contact would put me in an asylum. I had to get out of the room.
Louis was waiting for me it seemed like when I entered the kitchen.
"So how was your trip?" he asked sipping on a cup of hot chocolate.
"We kissed. We almost had sex. Then I ruined it all like I usually do," I summed up.
"Sounds like fun," he teases.
I sucked in deep breath and then sighed heavily. "Louis, I don't know what to do," I admit.
He set his mug down and crossed his arms.
"First you need to figure out how you feel. I take it you already know how Harper feels," he pauses looking at me. I nod.
"Then you need to tell Harper how you feel," he finishes. I cringed and shut my eyes.
"Too much feeling Louis. I just...I can't. I'm so wrong for her. She could do so much better," I lay my head down on the counter top.
"What made you get this way?" Louis asks suddenly.
"Huh?"
"What made you the way you are? Better yet, who?" he asks looking at me intently. I had sworn to never tell anyone about her. Promised myself I wouldn't, but lately I was up for a lot of things I hadn't been in a long time.
"Her name was Emma. We dated in 8th grade until 10th grade. I was so in love. I thought she was the one. I imagined us going to college together, getting married, having three beautiful kids, growing old together. In my mind we would have this happily ever after. I grew really attached to her. She was like my little home away from home. She became my bestfriend and I told her everything. My hopes, my dreams. The way I felt like I didn't fit in. She was my everything. Then things started to get weird. She didn't call me like she normally did and she would reject my calls. She wouldn't text me back. She would disappear for days at a time without telling me where she was going. I finally confronted her and she blew me off. She got so angry and stormed away. I found her at Trent's house, my guy best friend at the time. They were naked and in bed together. I was crushed. Absolutely gutted. She said that what we had was fun, but what her and Trent had was better. That's when I became me. This Harry that doesn't give a shit and doesn't fall in love. I swore that I would never put myself through that pain again. I can't be with Harper. I don't want to get hurt and I don't want hurt her. Its not that I don't... I just can't admit it," I finished.
Louis had stayed quiet the whole time. He looked at me now, still quiet.
"Harry, we all go through heartbreak. It happens. If I hadn't had my heart broken I never would have ended up with El. It's a natural thing. We fall in and out of love and the landing hurts. Even worse when you truly do love someone. But you have to move on. You have to give love a chance again, or you will never be happy. I get it that you don't want to Harper to hurt you the way that Emma did, but it'll hurt a lot worse if you lose her. And if you keep up this leading her on only to crash and burn thing, you will. She's going to walk away and find someone else," he picked up his mug and came around the counter to pat my shoulder. "Love is not something that is easy, but if it was it wouldn't mean so much," with that he walks away to his lovely girlfriend that he loves so much. I wish I could walk to my bedroom thinking the same thing.
He was right. I hated it. I hated how right he was. I had to move on. Just because you fall down doesn't mean you don't get up and start walking again. I had to get it together or I would lose Harper forever. I sat there at the counter like that for who knows how long, lost in my thoughts of how I would redeem myself. I had to do something. Slowly, but surely I would get Harper. I wouldn't lose her. She meant to much.