I told her everything. Everything. Even more than I told Harry. The worst bits that I left out with Harry, Gemma got. She sat attentively listening to every word that seemed to flow off my tounge. Once I had started I couldn't stop.
"I never would have guessed," she said once I had finished.
"What do you mean?" I asked feeling slightly confused. That sentence seemed to have nothing to do with what I had just told her.
"You seem so well put together and... I don't know. Like you had been raised in a better environment," she said shrugging.
That was followed by a laugh that was anything , but a happy sound. It was cold and brittle.
"Yeah, well I tried. I had a future and after my brother fucked everything up I was not going to live the same way," I said looking down to my empty cup and circling my finger around the rim.
"Do you think you should text him back?" she asked carefully. My finger froze mid circle and I looked up at her.
"Do you think I should text him back?" I asked her.
"Yes. I do," she said taking me by surprise.
"Did you not hear everything I just told you? My father is and awful man. A monster that likes to ruin kids hopes and dreams," I shot giving her a pointed look. But she held her ground firm and steady. A trait she had no doubt gotten from Anne.
"Well maybe he's trying to make up for the mistakes," she reasoned.
"No. If he had wanted to do that he would have sent a nice long text message asking for forgiveness," I told her matter of factly.
"Maybe he's trying not to be so forward given your past. I know I wouldn't go straight into apologizing and begging. I'd see where I stood. How thin the ice was that I had to tip toe across to get to you," she argued.
"Well it's basically non-existent, so he can forget it," I told her getting up from the bed and heading towards the kitchen.
Gemma of course followed me, but I kept walking.
"You can't avoid him forever Harper. He's your dad." I quickly spun on her taking her by surprise.
"Gemma, that man is not my father. We might have the same DNA, but there is no way that he is a father to me. He never wanted me, and now that I'm not in his life everyone is happier," I told her evenly. My tone cold as stone and just as hard. I hadn't turned on Gemma to be mean, but she was taking his side. Something I had totally not expected. Gemma didn't say anything and didn't follow me again. Just watched me walk away with a pitied look in her eyes. I grit my teeth while I poured myself another cup of hot chocolate. I dropped my face in my hands and took a deep breath.
"Harper?" his voice called behind me.
"Yes?" I asked without turning to look at him.
"Gemma told me," was all he said. I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut. I was going to tell Harry too, so I wasn't mad at Gemma, but I just didn't want to talk about it anymore after Gemma had betrayed me like that.
"You want to talk about it?" he asked softly coming closer and wrapping his arms around my waist from behind.
Gemma had asked me the same thing and after talking to her about it I really didn't want to talk about it anymore. I was all talked out. That was twice this week that I had spilled the family secrets with someone. I was going to make sure it didn't happen again. I simply shook my head and turned around in his arms wrapping my self around him like a mold. He lifted me up and sat me on the counter being cautious of the mug. I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck and snuggled my face into his chest.
"Your blessed with a great family Haz," I told him softly. His breathing was steady and his arms held me tightly.
"I know," he whispered. "I don't appreciate them enough. I guess I just never thought about it. I never had a reason too," he admitted softly.
"Hey Haz?" I asked after a moment of silence.
"Yeah?"
"What are we?" I pulled back from the embrace and looked into his deep green eyes that could so easily trap me.
"What do you mean?" he asked playing dumb. He knew what I meant. That was already a bad sign.
"You know what I mean Haz," I told him sternly. I was in no mood for his games.
"I don't know. What do you mean we?" he asked taking a step back. I slipped off the counter top and onto the floor so I felt more grounded.
"I mean us. This! What is this?" I asked gesturing between his body and mine.
"Harper, there is no us," he said looking at me slanted. The words hit me like a bus. I hadn't even realized the word us had slipped out of my mouth, and even though I hadn't meant to say them it hurt all the same knowing he didn't think this was anything at all. But how could this be nothing? This was definitely something.
"I know there's not an us! I just mean me and you. This thing that's been going on the past few days," I said trying to cover up my hurt and embarrassment.
"Why couldn't you just leave it alone Harper?" he asks with a groan.
"Well excuse me for wondering what the hell kissing each other doing things we don't normally do means! I mean, cause ya' know, it's not like there's been a drastic change between us since we got here," I told him angrily, sarcasm dripping like venom in my words. He didn't say anything. Just stared at me. That same dismissive stare that he loved to use against me, when I wanted him to show emotion the most.
We stared at each other. The tension thick and suffocating, but neither of us seemed to want to crack first. His jaw was tense and his stare was cold. Not even a week. Not one week can go by without this side of Harry taking over. I shook my head finally just done. Just done.
"Merry Christmas," I mumbled as I pushed past him considering his body was blocking the door way.
The guest room seemed cold and uninviting as my bare feet padded across the cold wooden floors. The bed now seemed stiff and the sheets had turned frosty as well. Why? Why was he like this? Why couldn't he just make up his mind? What was he so afraid of? Was the thought of actually being a boyfriend to someone really that bad to him? My nerves were razor sharp and pinched and I was officially stressed out. My thoughts consumed me in this cold unfamiliar room. I wished I had a gym to runaway to. Maybe that was the problem though. Maybe I should stop running. Harry and I would never work anyway. That's what I kept telling myself over and over. Partly because it was true. Mostly because he had rejected me and I had unknowingly told him that I thought that we were something. I thought there was and us. I wanted and hoped for an us but Harry quickly shut that down. Fine. If he was going to be that way so was I. I was totally done with trying to be something to him that he didn't even want. If he was going to be cold, so was I. If he was going to be totally against dating me, then I would be totally against dating him. Just best friends. It was clear now that that was all he wanted to be. Even though these past few days were amazing and were quite possible the happiest I had ever been in my life, it had meant nothing to Harry. I brushed it off even though I know that it meant something. Saying that it had meant nothing to either of us was a lie. A flat out visible lie that shined like neon lights in a pitch black room. It didn't sit right with me that he hadn't even wanted to pursue something. He had seemed happy, but I guess I was wrong. I think that's what hurt the worst. Knowing that I couldn't make him happy. That I wasn't enough for him. I was able to refrain from tears, but it was hard. Not as hard as it should have been, but hard all the same. I think I was all cried out. That was a great thing to me though. Crying was something I never wanted to do. Especially in front of someone. I preferred to wallow in my sadness alone in the confines of an empty cold dark room.
I didn't come out of my room for dinner that night. Anne had knocked on the door and peeked inside, but I pretended to be asleep. I couldn't face Harry right now. Him or Gemma. I would definitely have to make up with Gemma tomorrow. It was Christmas after all, and I was a guest in their house. As my mind drifted in and out of consciousness I thought about the events of the day. Too much. Too much a=had happened and I certainly didn't want to repeat anything like it ever again. What a wonderful Christmas Eve.
