.
The rain makes Taehyung remember...
.
The coffee burns my aching throat as I take another sip of the black liquid, my mind on anything but the pain in my mouth. I stare out my window, the only source of light coming from the beaming streetlamp that filtered through dingy glass and shone on my face, casting long shadows on my profile.
Sounds of rain can be heard all throughout my apartment, the pounding of the drops on a leaky ceiling being my only company. Sleep is out of the question at this point, the caffeinated drink running through my veins only further proving that fact.
Not that coffee was the only reason I couldn't rest.
My mind is empty except for the sound of rain. My heartbeat matches the steady rhythm of the drops hitting the pavement and my eyes follow the torrent as if it were my only anchor to my sanity. Memories rush by my eyes and I struggle to stay breathing as your face invades my mind.
It's always when it rains.
---
I bet I look so stupid right now.
I stare at the map in my hands, the edges frayed from my shaky hold, and try to pinpoint my location in a city of millions. The thought to ask for directions crosses my mind, but my stubborn ways refuse the thought and I carry on stumbling about in blind foolishness in the concrete jungle of New York.
I pass many shops, looking for any sign of hospitality at such a late hour in the night. My eyes are bombarded with neon lights and provocative media that surround me and I keep my head low to the distractions. A drop hits the concrete and I pause, tilting my head to the side before one drop becomes thousands and I take off in a run in search of shelter. My sight finds the sign of a coffee shop and I fling myself through rusted doors into a quiet chaos.
Soft jazz can be heard from old speakers and people sit around, snapping their fingers and conversing in such a way that left me feeling alienated as I stood in drenched clothing with little money. I see a bar to the left, dim lighting and wooden stools adding to the city effect and I approach before sitting and laying my head on the counter, the cool surface calming me.
A voice has me sitting up, coming face to face with a cold stare. A man's eyes met with mine in such an icy way, but I didn't sway and smiled, seeing a flicker of emotion in his face as I did so.
"You can't just sleep here. You have to buy something." His voice is flat, a dull drone amongst lively chatter.
I glance at the list of drinks and decide on water, knowing I have no place to go if I get intoxicated.
"How much for a glass of water?"
"3.50 cash only." I snort.
"A little expensive don't you think?"
"How about a deal then? I'll give it to you, on the house, on exchange for your number." He smirks and I return the gesture before nodding.
"You've got yourself a deal."
---
I glance at my phone and a million emotions play through me. Grabbing it I go to my voicemail before hitting a button and placing the cold metal and glass to my ear.
"Taehyung I'm sorry I'm running a little late. Please don't be mad. I would never forget our anniversary in a thousand years. Work was really tight today and I had to finish this deal. I'll see you at the restaurant in ten minutes. I love you." The phone goes dead just as a tear breaks free, falling as effortlessly as a snowflake.
---
Don't be nervous. It's just a date with a really hot guy that's way out of your league and will probably realize what a bad decision it was to get your number as soon as he realizes how much of a loser you are.
My mind won't shut up as I straighten my tie for the hundredth time that night. I glance up at the clock to see the time and saw that he was two minutes late.
He probably stood me up because he's a hot guy that's way out of my league and realized that it was a bad decision to get my number because I'm such a loser.
The ring of my doorbell has me choking on air as I run to the door. I flatten my disheveled hair and straighten my tie for the last time before I open the entry to see a man that makes me have to hold the wall for support. Yoongi stands in front of me, his eyes shining as he takes in my appearance before smirking.
"Sorry I was late. It's pouring outside and I didn't want to wreck before getting the chance to take your handsome self out." He then winked before pulling me by the arm -my other arm narrowly almost missing the door as I pulled it shut- and leading me down the two flights of stairs in my apartment building to his car parked just outside.
Rain came down in sheets and we stopped just under the car port of the lobby. I watched as Yoongi took off his jacket and draped it over my head before pulling me to the car and getting me in the drivers seat. He slammed the door shut and jogged over to the drivers side before getting in. His hair was drenched and he chuckled, shaking the wet locks.
"Maybe I should bring an umbrella next time. It's never rained this much before in a week let alone a couple days." His voice was hoarse from the cold and reverberated the car, causing me to shiver.
I smiled at him and returned his laughter with my own as he pulled away from the curb and headed to the restaurant.
"Thanks for the jacket. You're a true gentlemen."
"Only for you." His tone was light, but his eyes were serious and my eyebrow rose.
"We just met a couple day ago." My voice was soft as I looked out the window to see people running for cover in the constant downpour.
"Well is a strange sort of way it feels like I've known you in another life Kim Taehyung."
---
My eyes find his jacket, draped over a chair and I stand before walking over and putting it on. His scent envelopes me, and it takes all of my will to not break down in heavy sobs as I try to remember his warmth. My ears pick up the ghost of his voice echoing through the halls of my apartment, bouncing off of bare walls and muted furniture.
---
"He'll love you Yoongi now stop freaking out and get out of the car." I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out of me at the sight of a grown man pouting as he walked over to me.
"How do you know? He'll probably take one look at me and want us to break up on the spot." He shoved his hands in his pockets before joining me as I made my way up the steps to my childhood home.
"Give him some credit. He's dealt with a lot worse than meeting his gay son's boyfriend for the first time." I smiled and he reluctantly returned it just as the door opened to reveal my dad, dressed up in his best pajamas.
"Hey pop." My heart was moved by his small smile when his eyes landed on me.
"Hey buddy." I ran to him and jumped in his arms, the familiar smell of home attacking my senses.
After a moment I untwisted myself from his gasp and laid a hand on Yoongi's shoulder, who had been awkwardly staring at the reunion.
"This is Yoongi my boyfriend. He's a little nervous so try not to scare him." Yoongi blew air out of his nose in annoyance.
"He should be! You guys have been dating for almost five months and you're just now getting around to meeting me?" He chuckled.
"Hurry and get inside, there's a storm that's about to hit. I made your favorite cookies." My dad turned and went into the house and I grabbed Yoongi's hand before following just as the first drop hit the windows of the home.
---
The picture of that day rested on the table next to me and I picked it up to examine it. I smiled through my tears as images of my dad struggling to get the camera on a timer came to mind. I stood in the middle between my dad and Yoongi with the biggest smile I could have mustered that day and Yoongi looked so relieved to be accepted by my dad that I couldn't stop the small giggle that left my lips.
We looked so peaceful.
---
"You can't tell me it's raining on my wedding day! I can't do this! What if this is a sign that we shouldn't be together? What if Yoongi sees it as a sign that we shouldn't be together and he runs off to find someone that's better looking and smarter than me? What am I going to do pop?" My breaths came out in heavy gasps as I tried to calm my erratic heart.
My dad stared at me with soft eyes as he put his hands on my shoulders.
"look at me Taehyung. Do you love Yoongi?" He stared at me, waiting for an answer.
"More than the world." My voice cracked with anxiety.
"Yoongi loves you too Taehyung. He loves you so much and you and I both know that he would never let something like a little rain get in the way of the most important day of his life. Now are you going to continue panicking or are you going to let me walk you down the isle?" I let his words sink in, the steady beat of the rain on the church roof drowning out my worries and I smiled, staring into my dad's eyes.
"Lets go dad."
---
I sat the photo down, the weight of the past pulling me down to the floor. I leaned up against the cold wood of the table, tucking my knees to my chest. The ring on my finger caught the light of lightening as it flashed, engulfing my apartment in a white light for only a split second before I was once more plunged into darkness.
---
"Why can't you just say no to your boss for once!?" My voice bounced off the walls of our new apartment, the anger resting in the silence that followed.
"Taehyung you know I can't do that. We need the money and I want to be able to buy you the life you wanted!" Yoongi pleaded with me, trying to get me to see reason, but I was too far gone.
"You know I'd rather live on the streets than you practically living at work! The only thing I want is to be with you and spend time with you and cherish you! That's why we got married remember?" I lifted my left hand and pointed at the gold band on my finger, the weight of it only finalizing my statement.
"You just don't understand."
"Enlighten me then!"
His face showed pain and I watched as his hands curled into fists and he bit his lip.
"I can't just stay at home and play house with you. Just because we're married doesn't mean I can just be with you and we can live happily ever after! Someone has to pay the bills and you're too much of a child to realize that." I saw red when he said that.
"Maybe I'll just leave then!"
His hand picked up the closest thing to him and he threw it at me, only realizing after he had thrown it and I dodged it that it was a book as it hit the wall, leaving an indention in the paint. Yoongi looked back to me after staring at the book, shock and pain covering his features and my mouth flew open at what he had done.
"I-I'm so sorry I-...I'm sorry." He took a hesitant step towards me and I just stood there, eyes wide at what had happened before heavy sobs broke free and I fell to my knees, my head hanging in my hands.
I heard heavy footsteps rush over to me before a tentative hand wrapped around my torso and pulled me into a firm chest. A thousand apologies were whispered into my ear as sobs wracked my body, my hands fisting in his shirt.
Yoongi rubbed small circles into my back and we stayed in that position until the power suddenly went out, thunder shaking the walls and I yelped in surprise. The lights slowly flickered back on and I looked up to see Yoongi in a daze before I giggled. He turned to me and soon he was laughing and so was I. We must have looked like lunatics as we held onto each other for support, the laughing taking all of the air out of our lungs.
I wiped a tear away, my laughter tapering off into hiccups and I grabbed his hand in my own before tracing patterns on his palm.
"I love you Taehyung and I'd never hurt you. I promise." His voice was laced with emotion and I glanced up to see that a tear had slipped free and was tracing its way down his cheek. I reached up with my free hand and wiped it away, my my fingers lingering on the heat of his skin.
"I love you too Yoongi. Lets never fight." He then reached down and wrapped me in his embrace, kissing my sadness away.
---
You have to walk alone no matter how difficult it is nothing stays with you forever, even your shadow leaves you when it's dark.
The words of a phantom phrase echo in my mind as I look up to see the indention that was left in the wall, the paint cracked with age. My cheeks felt tight with dried tears as the last memory came to mind.
The one that hurt the most.
---
"Taehyung I'm sorry I'm running a little late. Please don't be mad. I would never forget our anniversary in a thousand years. Work was really tight today and I had to finish this deal. I'll see you at the restaurant in ten minutes. I love you."
The answering machine clicks and I throw the phone down in annoyance.
"Sir we're closing soon." The waiter approached me hesitantly as he said this and I turned to him with tears threatening to spill over.
"Please just 5 more minutes. My husband should be here any second." I tried to smile, but I ended up just giving him a pained stare and he nodded in empathy before turning away and walking to another table to clean up the remains of a meal.
I look down at the cold meal in front of me, our favorite dishes looking bland in the dim lighting as I sat alone. The candle that had been lit was down to just the wick and I watched as it slowly burned out, the time ticking away in agonizingly quick seconds. All too soon the waiter reappeared and I stood before he could ask me to leave, throwing money on the table before heading outside.
Rain drizzled down, the remains of a heavy storm pooling the sidewalks and road.
I'll walk to his work and see if he actually even left.
My feet carried me in the direction of Yoongi, my hand reaching down to check my phone for any calls and receiving none. My mind was a flurry of angered thoughts and I took calming breaths to steady my beating heart. As I made my way through abandoned streets, I saw lights flashing in the distance. My heart picked up speed along with my feet as I broke out in a jog which turned into a run as a glimpse of Yoongi's car came into sight.
"Yoongi!" My screams reached an officer at the scene and he turned to see me running towards the accident.
Yoongi's car sat overturned, an ambulance next to the vehicle and I pushed through people to try and get to the stretcher that held the love of my life. Strong arms grabbed me and stopped me from continuing and I punched them to no avail.
"Sir you can't go past the yellow tape." The officer's kind voice only made me panic more and I struggled in his arms.
"You don't understand! Let me go so I can see if my damn husband is okay!" He let go of me, surprised but I payed him no mind and I ran past the tape just in time to see Yoongi being wheeled into the ambulance.
"Stop!" The paramedics froze and I caught up with them to see Yoongi, his eyes open and his neck in a cast.
Time froze as his eyes met mine, all sounds being drowned out by the drumming in my ears. All I could see was the love of my life for the past nine years, his life leaving his body too quickly. Thousands of proclamations of my love for him sat on my tongue but my mouth wouldn't form the words. The rain began to pick up as we stared at each other, the dark color in his pupils holding me in place as a gust of wind came through, ruffling his hair across his ashen skin before a small smile graced his lips and his eyes fell closed.
The paramedics rushed to get him in the ambulance, a woman grabbing the defibrillator that hung on the wall just as the doors closed and the car rolled away to the nearest hospital. Sirens cut through the air, but my body was limp and I did nothing but stand there. Somehow I knew that he was already gone. My heart was heavy in my chest and it felt hard to breathe without his presence.
A police officer took me to the hospital my silence filling the air between us in his squad car. When I arrived, I walked slowly to the front desk, my steps heavy against the cold tile. A woman at the desk took one look at me, drenched and void of emotion, and her eyes filled with sympathy.
"Who do you need to see honey?" She looked at me with pity, but I felt nothing, only the chilled air of the a.c.
"Min Yoongi." I croaked, my voice laced with so much emotion that I was surprised that she even understood me.
A knowing look came over her and she pointed down a hall, giving me directions to a room and I blindly followed, my heart now a steady rhythm as thunder echoed through the stagnant corridors. I reached a single room, where doctors stood around a bed talking amongst themselves. But what struck me like a punch in the chest was the ringing of the heart monitor that had flat lined.
---
My only reminder of that day was my memories, their only recurrence happening when it rained. As the drops continued to fall outside, my thoughts waged war within me, some happy.
Some not.
My heart still screams at the injustice of Yoongi being taken away from me so soon. We had promised to grow old together, to see the world and discover all the possibilities that life had to offer. But his life was lost, and I was left to pick up the pieces.
His words on the voicemail that I continued to play whenever it rained haunted me like a song that I couldn't put the name to. It's words defined my very character, and without them I'm afraid that I would become nothing but a memory myself.
Instead I continue to live on. I wake up and go through the motions. But all of the color and light in my life were stolen from me just like the rain steals the sunlight from the earth.
I love you, Yoongi.