It must have been a slow day yesterday. Or I was bored. Thinking back I can offer no other excuse for the day's rather ridiculous proceedings. Now some of you might know that Renn and I have become good friends and are often nightly partners in crime when it comes to sending messages and in the process butchering the English language.
It started innocently enough yesterday. "Hello how's you?" This from Renn at around 6.00am my time, and 2.00am his. Then followed the usual nagging from me about him writing (usually these days to take the heat off me and my lack of material) and then! I mentioned I'd stumbled across a writer on here whose writing was so fluid and faultless it had not only been a pleasure to read but had also resonated with me in a rather personal way. The book I mentioned to Renn had to do with dating site misadventures.
That's when he dropped the bomb: "It's weird as hell because I decided to try one of those online dating apps myself today."
Of course me being me, the conversation went as follows:
Me: "You now, there ought to be a dating site strictly for writers? Though with all the temperaments and word-play it could well be hell on earth lol"
Renn: "oh that's an understatement"
Me: "can you imagine? Overthinking everywhere lol. Hmmm maybe the makings of a funny piece here..."
Renn: "maybe the breakthrough you need" (Gotta love his optimism!)
Me: "HAHA! Sorry just wrote the title on my list of titles lol, that's why the caps. yah, haven't written something funny in along while. And it's raining again outside so no porspect of going anywhere..." (language Elise!)
After a brief flutter about my joining a gym to tone up my scrawny ass, his tennis practice, my lack of manners and overuse of expletives when chatting online and something along the lines of "God help me when you meet a significant other," and our subsequent 'overthinking on steroids when that happens'" we finally got to:
Renn: "but leaving that aside tell me which bloody dating site were you part of???"
Me: "Oh it's... hell.... One of the ones you pay... was it e-something? Only I never paid so only had basic access, no photos, just shadows lol"
Renn: "I think I like that"
Me: "It's an Aussie site tho I thiink?"
Renn: "although I should add a different user name"
So Renn decided to fill in his profile. And I said, "I want in!" So back I went and logged on to the site myself. After several months without activity, I saw the following:
Renn of course explained it meant that the dozens who'd asked me questions which went unanswered during my long absence had dumped me and moved on... thus the "me being closer to my match"? Process of elimination right, at least as far as the algorithm was concerned?
Despite this though, I couldn't help bragging: "I still have 946 matches to choose from haha" which however was then quickly followed by: "strike the 946... that was including those to 100 years old lol. 100!!! Nappies is the first thing I thought about" (My father right? The early morning nappy runs because none of us remembered during the previous day's shopping. And he's only 81... so some other things popped into my head as well?)
Anyhow, Renn filled in a small portion of his profile (If you recall the previous article one poor dude had filled out several hundred questions and was still matchless?) and in a matter of seconds I got back: "wow got 7 matches already???" His momentary excitement however was dampened and then extinguished permanently once he realised he could not connect with any of those matches without paying the 'modest' $60 per month fee? After I told him where 'eprofit' could shove that fee, I did a quick search and yes, sent him the link to 'OsomethingActive'... apparently a free site? In the meantime however, Renn was caught up in a rather intriguing conversation with a bot. He didn't catch on to the fact she was a bot immediately, but...
Renn: "oh btw got this Esomething specialist asking me if I have any queries lol so here's how I reply: Hmm no not really. I am all about conversations though. Do you end up getting bored trying to assist people out every time?? and here's how she replies??: Go ahead and continue your review of our site. I will be right here if you have any questions about our services, or if you need my help completing your order."
Which in turn elicited this gem from me: "lolololol your order? Would you like fries with your match?"
Renn persevered, now catching on to the fact there was no human at the other end of that conversation: "oh my question to her: are you a robot?? and this is how she re[lpies: I am a human being and I am here to provide you information about Esomething. I can help you with any questions you might have about our plans. Is there a particular one you have in mind?"
I of course was still pushing for the fries? "yes, can I have fries with my order? or can she upsize you?"
While Renn was flirting with the bot, I (yeah yeah) filled in the 'join for free form' over at OsomethingActive. A user name and an email address and a false date of birth - but with my real age - no photo, no other info.
The bot sent Renn a message: "I haven't heard from you recently, how are things coming along?" He asked her the following: "well it's not even been 2 minutes since I last replied??? is it possible this text was for your bf? did you find yours through Esomething as well?" The bot had all the right answers programmed though: Jennifer: "I apologize but we are not allowed to disclose any personal information for security purposes."
Renn did join OsomethingActive but came to the immediate conclusion that: "but no one having made contact with me because usually guys are the desperate ones and the girls are well the ones in command?"
Meanwhile, and only a minute or so after my 'profile' went active on there: "okay, these are two who apparently like me... hmmm spoilt for choice. The names definitely appealing"
I also caught on to the fact that you could chat on there, so Renn 'liked me' and suddenly there we were, chatting on a dating site. That conversation went like this:
Me: "lololol"
Renn: "Hello there can I interest this cheeky lady for a chat here??"
Me: "fark"
Renn: "lol"
Me: "I am pink!"
Renn: "of course you are"
Me: "no!!!!!!"
Renn: "you are a girl for christsakes"
Me: "maybe I should have left the transgender box unticked?"
Renn: "doesn't do a thing, blue for guys pink for girls"
Me: "crap I am gettin access to private photos? You know what that means right???"
Renn: "the usual stereotype" (still answering my former question)
Me: (frantic now) "above!!!! go back to fb, I feel sleazy here lol all these blokes want to show me their privates"
Yep... Within a few minutes I had a couple of dozen openly and secretly married men offering me "intimate photos" and... well here's an early taste:
Mmmmmmyum: I love kissing for hours xxx :-) I need a lady that can handle me kissing her from head to toe for hours xxx (Handle him? And which toe?)
Zat906: I am interest in cars, I LIKE GOING to watch football.fishing, ten pin bowing.and play pool.I enjoy watching and looking at V8s cars.I would adore to have a lovely lady would accompany me on going for long walks along the beach.going out for llovely dinning experience, going to the movies or to have peaceful and romantic movie night together, I would also enjoy making any lovely lady some tea! (Notice the capitals... and tea? Tea?)
Trevor: So here's the deal - I've been married for years, and still have a strong sexual relationship with my wife. I'm not one of those guys looking for pity sex because his wife doesn't put out, and I'm not looking to convince you that I'm somehow being forced to do this by my circumstances. Nothing is forcing me to do anything - I'm an adult, I make my own choices. (Got it Trev!)
Wantingcuddlesxoxox: Love cuddles kisses, a little cheeky a little soft spot for older lady's xx let's chat (You asshole!)
Anhonourtoserve: Yes, I know this is not for all. I am looking for a lady to serve, to please in many ways.. cook, serve drinks, pamper, do as she likes when she likes. I rely on you to contact me, as I do not want to upset others by contacting them if they are not interested in what I am looking for. This is not all of who I am, there is so much more, but it is a part I would like to explore. Hoping to hear from you.. happy to supply pic.... (Hmmm a lady's maid... It brought to mind my cute little French Maid outfit from the recent birthday piece? Ohhhhh - you who shall remain nameless, there will be no role reversal, you hear?)
While my 'likes' were growing, poor Renn... well let's just say over the next few hours he kept getting:
Renn: "Still 0"
Of course we discussed this:
Me: "well I don't know about you but I am not going near that site again lol. Maybe okay for you?"
Renn: "ok for me because girls will show their true nature later, makes it worse forme though. just saying general outcome"
Me: "well I saw true nature up front. Oh"
Renn: (still somehow optimistic) "many women would be grateful if they actually decided to chat with me lol"
Me: (being supportive, right?) "of course they would because you wouldn't shove your you know what in their face before you even said hi?"
Renn: "ignored I am since they want a cute photo clad sexy guy for chat haha"
Me: "yeah but I bet if you filled out your profile on this one you'd do well because most women are like me? They's at least want a hello first? I shut it down lol. Gross"
Renn: "figured"
Me: "They just kept popping up saying stupid things and wanting to show me... one after the other. Is there a shortage of women or an abundance of cheating married blokes???"
Renn: (now somewhat dejected) "well i don't get a like here!! Lol"
Me: (opening tab again for a quick peek at my latest batch of likes) "hi ladys, i am tall and of reasonable look. i am a simple guy i enjoy many intersts cars, dining out, movies and all the good things in life when I can i work shiftwork. i am looking for a respectful intelligent friend to be my partner to share good time with. I am Very Much Single And HopeTo Find The Right One For Me also Have Kids That Are Of Age Now Ide Just LikeTo Find A Women Thats On The Same Page . i need to experience other values in life by The Way My Username Is Just A Name like to hear from you"...
Followed by my "Ohhhhh The only single one... wonder why?"
Renn decided he might have better luck if he became an Aussie bloke? "I changed my location made myself a resident of Australia lol"
I in the meantime stumbled across the following:
Which of course led to the following:
Me: "Read his about me and wtf is that little horse?"
Renn: "hit me up hmm and the pony I wonder...."
Me: "yeah my mind went places. My little pony... Maybe it's time for my best match is where 2?"
Renn: (still hopeful) "and yeah no likes so far"
Me: "nothing for you??? I tnink women want picture Blokes don't care as long as it's female" (informed deduction here, right?)
Ren: "lol"
Me: "They all apparently are down to earth (whatever that means) and like long walks on the beach? What? Does every bloody woman like long walks on the beach? what was the last like count?"
Renn: "for who?? me still 0 you i think 21"
Me: "hmmm 41 now... at this rate, I may hit the thousand desperates mark by midnight? And with zero details... I mean how can you like just a name and not a real one at that? Like bloody pirhanas did I spell that right?" (ever the try-hard word perfectionist)
Renn: "i think so??" (Wrong!)
By this point we'd been at it for six hours. I won't bore you with all the other profiles liking me and the horrors I can never unsee. Or the next half hour where we discussed sleeping patterns and... well except for this:
Renn: "you have told me this one yesterday"
Me: "oh"
Renn: "so I am wondering hmm someone was bloating about good memory"
Me: "must be tired then if I am repeating myself lol... I am not that senile and that would be gloating???"
Ren: "yes I figured that as well"
Me: "okay get lost go have some breakfast while I have ummm lunch? Brunch? I don't think I ate dinner last night this may be dinner then"
Renn: "seriously we had a looong session today"
Me: "yep. blame your lack of a bloody love life"
Renn: (miffed?) "Listen I don't want to hear that from someone like you"
Me: "lol"
Renn: "that's true story"
Me: "you wanna lie? Sure. we can call ir research for my next piece. Guy v girl on a dating site"
Renn: (rightfully so) "well who wanted in???"
Me: "shut up"
Renn: "me just told I am going to go for it you wanted to join and see what's happening
Me: "I was just going to go along for the ride, not be scarred for life?"
Renn: "so tell me again who's curiosity led to revelations of things that cannot be unseen lol"
Me: "I took a huge one for the team today?"
Renn: "yup you did"
Me: "That's from my latest like. Good match right? That's his about me"
Renn: "secret door secret door it's all tongues for you lady"
Me: "please!"
Renn: (Now enjoying my discomfort?) "I am good with my tongue??? I have enough of them? no idea....... i mean sure that could be one of the interpretations unless of course it's a hydra from greek mythology" (I think Renn was seriously sleep deprived at this point?)
Me: (being me) "My mind went to smut."
Renn: "well I was poiting at smut. that's me right now"
Me: "you got insurance hjitting on you?"
Renn: "that's an ad lol so yes"
Me: "flirting with an ad lol, tho it does beat seeing private bits. 7 billion people and you got lucky with an insurance ad"
Renn: "yup you nailed it"
Me: "I am cacking myself! That's going up on my wall"
Renn: "be my guest"
Me: "oh I will be. Get a human! go! You flirted with a bot and now an insurance ad. Shut it down! Get some sleep!"
Renn: "yup"
Me: "Can't wait to write the piece now, it's gonna be a Renn roast unless a bunch of women show up in the meantime. Hey that might get you a whole lot of sympathy likes over on wp??? Always a rainbow??? Forewarned."
Renn: "i am all for this renn roast ?? since honestly all i will end up being seen as is someone wanting to find someone?? and you will mess up the one place you know there's some reading that happens and reactions are posted ??? gee I am touched by this dedication of yours for me" (oh oh?)
Me: "I think it's a perfect way to highlight the difference between the sexes when it comes to online dating sites, since we both joined at the same time and you got bots and insurance and I got ponies and dicks?"
Renn: (seeing right through my justification?) "sure you gonna use the cover of us going undercover to uncover the workings of a dating site/??"
Me: "yep... social experiment?"
Renn: "and me scored nothing"
Me: "Maybe you need to change tactics lol????? Get a pony?"
Renn: "shut the hell up on the pony"
Me: "I can't get that out of my head, a grown man standing next to a miniature horse with a suggestive smile! Methinks he and the pony are secretly an item..."
Renn: "stop!!!!!!"
Me: "Okay, enough.... I need to clear my head of all that crap. Off with you for real!"
Renn: "yeah you take care good day and yeah hope you suffer from short term amnesia and all those ponies get erased"
So there you have it... One young, intelligent, good looking, creative and genuinely 'fun-loving' guy = 0 likes. One middle-aged woman with just a made up name and NO other information apart from age... as of right now I have 400 something likes... that's almost 18 hours after I joined? What does this tell us folks?