The Memory Playlist

Forever

" 'Cause forever just ain't long enough."

Another restless night, another uneasy morning. Once again I drag myself out of Andy's arms and the ocean of sheets below, once again I yawn and stretch as I shuffle into the bathroom, once again I pull three pregnancy tests from my drawer and use them, once again I wait with a heavy heart, once again-- negative.

I sigh as I throw the tests away and wash my hands and fall into my routine. This is the fifth time I've done this-- I'm so tired of this.

"Baby Doll?" Andy asks from the bedroom. I can hear him stretching in the bed, hear him waking up.

"Negative," I announce, sighing. I brush my hair and sigh at my reflection. I don't look nearly as haggard as I feel.

"You didn't even wait for me to wake up," he says. You can tell he's disappointed by the sound if his voice.

I sigh as I look down at the sink, feeling bad. I push myself off and walk into the room again. He's sitting up, rubbing his eyes. "I'm sorry," I say, sitting on the bed.

He yawns and opens his eyes to me, his head tilting onto his shoulder. "You look really beautiful right now."

I sigh and glance at my lap. "Stop," I say.

"I'm serious, you do," he says. "You look beautiful all the time, but with the lighting from the balcony... Breathtaking." He reaches for his phone.

"Andy," I breathe.

He holds his phone up as I look up at him. "Gorgeous," he says, snapping a picture.

I sigh and crawl towards my side of the bed. "Stop it," I repeat, huffing and laying on my side.

He sighs and moves, cradling my body from behind. "What's wrong, baby?" he asks, kissing my shoulder. His arms tighten around me.

I cringe at the word. The one thing I can't do for him. "This is the fifth time I've been denied," I say, my eyes shutting to block the rush of tears threatening to fall. "What if I really can't have kids, Andy? This is all my fault!" My tears burst from my eyelids and I can't stop now.

"Niki." He quickly spins me around and pulls me into him. "Honey, it's okay. It's not your fault. It's okay."

"It is my fault!" I sob. "I'm the one who can't carry your kid! That's all you want from me and I can't give it to you!"

"Niki, the only thing I want from you is your love, and I have it entirely," he says. "Even if we never get a kid, which we will, I'd still be happy with you. You're the only thing I need."

I sigh and bury myself in the skin between his collar bones. "You deserve more," I say.

"I don't need more," he says. "All I need is you."

I sniffle and shut my eyes. "Stop making me feel better. You should be upset."

He kisses my hair. "I understand your condition, Baby Doll. It may take a while, but even your doctor said you could have kids. In fact, he said when you do, you'll have twins! That's more than anything I could ever ask of you, honey."

"You want to be a dad," I argue meekly.

"I want to be with you forever more," he murmurs. "You're my one and only. My heart and soul."

I sigh as my tears start to dry. "I hate that you're so nice to me when I don't deserve it," I mutter.

"Hmm?" He moves away slightly to hear me.

I sigh as I move, sitting up. "Nothing," I say. I shake out my hair and move to the end of the bed.

Andy sits up quickly and moves to be next to me. He grabs my hands and kisses my cheek, lingering for a few moments.

"Take a break," he says finally. He turns my face towards him. "We've been so caught up in each other and trying to have a baby that it's like we aren't in love anymore when we are. We're just selfish machines." (A/N: I realized this is a PTV album a day later, haha. Oops.)

"What am I supposed to do?" I ask.

"Go out to eat with Tim and his girl," he suggests. "Go hang out with Riot or your band. Just get out of the house. It'll do you some good."

I sigh and ruffle my hair. "What'll you do all day?" I ask.

He shrugs and laughs. "Who cares? Just go have fun, okay?"

I sigh. "I guess I could go shopping for a while. I need more pants before we go visit your parents in a few weeks."

"Perfect," he says. "Invite Riot to go shopping, okay? Don't even think about me or our goal." He cups my cheek and rubs his thumb over it. "Just take a break."

I sigh and nod, though that seems impossible. "Okay, Prophet."

He smiles and kisses my cheek. As I stand up, he does too and walks into the bathroom. I sigh and run a hand through my hair, pushing my bangs back. I grab my phone, which is sitting next to Andy's, and dial Riot's number. After a few minutes, we're set to meet up at eleven at one of the nearby outdoor malls to walk around.

When Andy gets out of the bathroom, I take a shower, the hot water feeling nice against my skin and through my hair. I get dressed in a pair of shorts with cut outs of hearts in them-- which Andy and I did together-- and an Attila tank top. I wear my black, worn out Converse, too. I might get new shoes. Once I'm dressed, I tie up my hair, letting bits and pieces fall out to make a messy-- but not ratchet messy, like classy messy-- updo. Lazily, I put a thin rim of eyeliner around my eyes and fill in the space in my eyelids with black eyeshadow. When I'm done, it's ten forty-five. I bid Andy a hesitant goodbye, being so unused to leaving him by now, and get in my Jeep. The drive is short.

Riot and I meet up quickly, hugging and catching up for a few minutes at Starbucks. I talk, very minimally for Andy's sake, about our situation and explain to her the reason for this trip, and after that she drops our previous conversation. We start walking around afterwards. We stop at Hot Topic and I buy three pairs of skinny jeans-- one that's acid washed white and gray, one that's completely leather, 'cause my old ones wore out, and one where one leg is completely black and the other is red plaid and very punk rock-- and two band shirts. After that, we walk around and to Victoria's Secret, where I buy, obviously, underwear. We then walk to a shoe store and I buy all black Converse and a new pair of Doc Martens. We stop at a candy store and pick up little sweet things, mine including chocolate covered coffee beans and Junior Mints for Andy. We wind up walking into a Target too-- somehow-- and I buy little things that Andy and I have run out of that are important. By the time we're done shopping, it's almost two o'clock. We decide to go to lunch, and I call Tim and Emily to see if they want to join at the last minute. Tim says they're busy, but I can tell they aren't and that they're just reveling in each other. Must be nice not having to worry all that much.

We eat lunch/dinner (lunner?) and wind up going back to her house. She shows me a few things she'd been working on with her guitar, and I clean some of it up with her and kind of start putting together another song with her. It's really fun, and it invests my whole being in the process so I'm not distracted with anything. When that's done, it's six thirty.

I say goodnight to Riot and thank her for getting my mind off of everything and showing me a good time. As I drive home, I listen to the album we put out at the beginning of the year and replay that experience, enjoying the brief moments I have with it.

When I finally get home, it's seven o'clock at night. I'm not extremely hungry, but I'm hungry enough to hustle inside with all of the bags I have.

As I'm making a Nutella toasted sandwich, I realize I hadn't seen Andy yet. I'd seen his car in the garage, so I know he isn't out. I eat the sandwich quickly and run the bags upstairs. The bathroom door is opened slightly-- just cracked. I set the bags down by the dresser and knock lightly on the door. "Baby? You in there?"

"Yeah, Baby Doll," he says. "You can come in."

I push the door open and take a step in. I see Andy, his shirt off and only in his signature plaid pajama bottoms, his arm stretched behind his back, rubbing his shoulder blade. "You're just in time too," he says, glancing up at me. "You can help me rub Neosporin on my back."

I take the tube off the counter and coat my fingers in it as he turns. I sigh as I see all the red lines across his shoulder blades and upper spine. "Do I need to cut my nails again?" I ask as I start coating all of the scratches.

He chuckles. "Probably," he says. "It feels so good in the moment, and then this shit happens." He looks at me in the mirror.

"Sorry," I say, kissing one of the scratches that are closer to the nape of his neck. I don't promise that I'll stop, though, 'cause I know I won't.

"How was your day?" he asks, changing the subject.

"It was fun," I answer. "It definitely took my mind off of everything."

"Buy anything?" he asks.

"Skinny jeans, shoes, band shirts, underwear, and odds and ends that we need." I coat a scratch directly along the bone in his shoulder blade.

He winces. "Fuck," he says. "That one hurts."

I step onto my toes and kiss along the scratch. "I'm sorry," I say. "Is this helping any?"

I hear the smirk in his voice as he speaks. "Well, kisses make anything better."

I roll my eyes, but I can't help but smile at his goofiness. "What did you do today?" I ask.

"Laze around," he says. "I went out and got my scissorhand filled in by Shaun."

I turn him slightly and look at his hip, where a scissorhand with my name in it lays. It now looks like metal, rather than just the outline of it. It was another reference to me, since Edward Scissorhands is one of my favourite Tim Burton films. "It looks good, babe," I say.

He turns around completely and leans in to kiss me. "I'm glad you had a good day," he says.

I nod and rinse my hands off in the sink. "Me too," I say. "I just needed a day off."

Andy wraps his arms around me and kisses my hair. "Yeah," he says. "There was just one problem."

"What's that?" I ask, frowning.

He smiles and nuzzles into my throat. "I missed you."

I smile and blush. "I'd say I missed you too, but I didn't think about you much."

"Good," he says. "I didn't want you to. That was the point."

I sigh and lean into him as my hands dry. "So what are we doing tonight?" I ask.

"I have a plan," he says, still nuzzled into my throat. "I'm going to treat you tonight. No sex, just pure endulgement in relaxation in anyway I can. That is my plan."

I smile. "You don't have to do that, Prophet," I say.

"I want to, Niki," he says. He looks up at me. "You do so much without even realizing it. I just want this whole day to be a day off to relax and just chill. That's where my plan comes in."

I smile and turn to face him. "Well thank you, Andy."

He smiles and kisses me again. "You're welcome. Just give me a few minutes to set up."

"I'll unpack while you do that," I say, leaning forward.

"Mm-kay." He kisses me once and finally lets go of me. We walk out together and split at the door. I start unpacking everything I bought, taking the tags off and then placing them in the correct drawer. I put my new shoes in the closet and leave the candy on our nightstand. As I'm re-tying my hair up, I turn around and watch as Andy plugs in one of our portable speakers and plugs my phone into it. He unlocks it with his initials and goes into a soft rock playlist I made a while back. There's some sort of lotion on the table along with several small candles, which are all lit. When he's finished, he stands up and turns towards me. "Ready when you are, Baby Doll," he says.

I smile and walk towards him, but I quickly realize I'm still in my Converse so I kick them off and into the closet. After that, I walk over towards Andy again.

Andy smiles and leans in to kiss me. "Can you take your tank top off?" he requests.

I nod and pull it off, throwing it towards our dirty clothes hamper.

"Okay, now sit on the bed," he says.

I do so, and he quickly sits behind me. He kisses my shoulder as he reaches out and grabs my tube of coffee beans and hands them to me. "May as well enjoy them while you relax," he says.

I nod and open them quickly, popping one in my mouth. He kisses my neck before his hands drape over my shoulders and he digs his thumb into my skin. I moan at the harsh sensation and the sudden loosening of my muscles.

"Is this okay?" he asks, his thumbs pushing in incredibly hard.

I nod, always having liked it better with more force. "Yes," I breathe.

He kisses the back of my throat as his hands start moving all along my shoulders and the top of my spine. With every push, my muscles get that much looser and my head starts to fall back into the crook of his neck from being so relaxed. He starts kissing my cheek and my jawline, his breath falling along my skin and making everything that much more sensitive-- that much better. Finally, he asks, "Is that enough?"

I nod, though it hardly feels like I'm moving at all. "God, yes," I say, opening my eyes at him.

He smiles and leans over to kiss me once. "Great. Now, do you want me to massage your back too?"

"Fuck yes," I say, laughing. I kiss the hinge of his jaw.

He kisses my shoulder and sits back a little. "Then on your stomach you go."

I sit up a little and roll my neck around, feeling so much more loose already. I eat another couple of coffee beans as I turn and lay on my stomach. Andy reaches over and grabs the lotion that had been sitting on the table and puts some on his hands before he starts digging into my back with as much force as before. I moan into the pillow below me because of how perfect it feels. His hands continue for a minute or two before getting more lotion and returning, and this happens twice more before he asks, "Is it okay if I unclip your bra?"

"Take it off. I don't care," I say.

He laughs and unclips it, letting the straps fall to the bed. I let the shoulder straps do so as well. He starts digging into my back where the bra had laid and it feels so nice. Every time the heel of his palm digs into my spine I make some sort of sound into the sheets and I can't help it. It's perfect in every way.

When his hands finally get tired, Andy asks, "Is it okay if I stop now?"

"Of course, Prophet," I say. I sit up a bit, but I just fall back down again because of how relaxed I am. I laugh as he does.

"I see you're much more relaxed now," he says.

"Mm, thank you so much," I say. "It's just what I needed."

"Well, I'm still not done with you yet," he says.

"Mm?" I turn over onto my back, but my legs are still on my front. Only half of me turned, so I'm all twisted. My bra stays on the sheets as the straps leave my wrists.

"Yeah," he says, smiling down and hovering over me. He kisses me once, twice, three times and stays.

After a half minute, I breathlessly pull away and ask, "Now what could you do to be more perfect?"

He smiles and turns my legs over so they're the right way with my body. His hand runs along my side and gently caresses the inked skin. "I said no sex," he says, "but I never said no oral." He winks.

"Oh, Andy," I say. "You've already done so much-- you don't have to do that."

"I'm relaxing you," he says, kissing the skin along the underside of my breast. "Even I know that oral sex for women is one of the most relaxing things for her." He moves up and captures my nipple in his mouth.

I moan just from the contact. "But then you don't get anything in return," I say.

"And?" He raises a brow and starts unbuttoning my shorts.

"Well I'll feel bad," I say.

"Don't." He pulls them down at the same time with my underwear. He starts placing light kisses all along my thighs as he throws the shorts and both pieces of my underwear towards the hamper. He looks up at me as he starts to open my legs, and his hand slips up and to my breast where he gently squeezes in a more sensual way. He nuzzles into my thigh for a moment before lightly placing a peck on my clit.

"Andy," I breathe.

He starts using his tongue in seconds. It reaches out of his mouth and licks one solid line up me, and then he flicks it just underneath my clit again. This makes me whimper and grip onto the sheets. His hand falls from my breast and grabs my hand in his on the bed, lacing our fingers together. He starts flickering his tongue over and over again along the most sensitive areas around my clit and over my clit and everything he does is just a cherry on top of a perfect sundae. He moves onto sucking after a moment and that makes me moan into the night sky above me.

Andy's patterns suddenly get more detailed and make designs and different feelings entirely. My grip on his hand tightens as my hips lift slightly, but because of his earlier massage I hardly even feel it and they fall back down instantly. He smirks against me and pulls away for a moment, licking his lips, and goes back quickly. His teeth latch onto my clit suddenly and I break away from him, my hips lifting. He holds the back of my thigh in his left hand and keeps me half steady, not letting my hand go. He continues to nibble until I can't help it and I moan loudly into the night air, the effects of Andy's everything pushing me past the edge. He squeezes my hand as he helps to ride it out by gently licking, almost like how a cat would nuzzle gently into your hand, but with his tongue. As I come down, he places one more small kiss on my clit and crawls back up to meet my lips. I kiss him feverishly, my body still shaking from how perfect my night has been.

"Feel better?" he asks.

I kiss him again. "Much," I say.

He smiles and kisses me once. "Good," he says. "That was the point."

I smile my quirky smile at him, then I flip us around so he's on his back. He raises a brow, but I just lean in and kiss his neck. "My turn," I say.

"Baby, this night's about you," he says. "Not me."

"Well this is what I want," I say. I reach behind me and stroke over his pajama bottoms, finding he's already hard. And this isn't like "what-you-said-was-hot-now-I'm-hard," it was "I've-been-hard-a-while-oops." I smirk and push his pajamas down. "And judging from this, it's what you want too."

He "mm"s as I scoot back a little and he grabs my hand again. I grind over him for a minute before I pull him up and slide over him. Instantly, I gasp and my hand tightens, and at the same time mine does his does too. "Niki," he mutters, kicking his bottoms off the rest of the way.

As I start moving over him, I make the realization that this is the first time in a while where the sole purpose for us making love is just that-- love. It's not like we don't love each other all the other times, but, as of recent, it's all been to reach the goal of having a kid. Right now, we're not even thinking about it-- we're just being in love.

With that discovery, I lean over and press my lips to Andy's, happy that love is our only reason tonight. He cups the hinge of my jaw and part of my cheek in his hand. I rock over him, and he helps by grinding his hips against mine. We murmur our professions of love into the sweet air when that same air fills our lungs once again.

Suddenly I'm on my back again. Andy sits up a bit and kisses me again before he starts thrusting. My legs wrap around his thighs as I moan into his lips, which aren't kissing mine anymore but are still against my own. One of my hands curls into his dark hair, the other leads the arm to wrap around his hips. His lips move to my forehead where he shakily breathes and kisses before his own forehead touches mine. I kiss his upper lip since that's what I can reach by stretching my neck. He whimpers into the air that we're sharing, and from the throb of his dick I can tell he's close. This time, though, I don't have to say a word to get him to come. I just kiss his lips, my passion and love for him coming out without a thought, and his hips jerk. He moans into my mouth as he starts releasing inside of me. The warmth and the way his body moves as he convulses in his orgasm makes my eyes roll into the back of my head by the sensation, and as his orgasm finishes mine begins. I tighten around him and pulse as he begins pulling out, but he stays for a moment just to feel how I move around him. When he finally pulls out, he places another shaky kiss on my forehead and lays next to me.

After a few moments of cooling myself off, I scoot up to his side and cuddle up to it. He takes one deep breath before wrapping his arm around my hips. His right hand moves to brush the hair in my face out of it and behind my ear. "You're so beautiful," he murmurs.

I breathe in another sweet breath and feel like it's my last huge breath for the time being. My lips find the tattooed skin of his wrist and forearm several times. "Thank you," I whisper.

"I love you so much, Niki," he whispers into my hair. "You'll never have any idea how much."

I kiss his collar bone. "Maybe not," I say, "but I have a feeling it's just about as much as I love you."

He chuckles and kisses my head. "Goodnight, my angel," he says.

"Goodnight, my devil," I whisper, shutting my eyes against his pale skin. It only takes a few minutes for me to let myself slip into the unconscious abyss.

Andy.

"I've never had to use so much dramamine before," Niki sighs. She groans and cuddles into my arm.

I rub over her stomach. "You also haven't been on a plane in a really long time. You used to be in planes at least twice a year-- you haven't in almost five."

"Yeah," she says. She sighs and leans into me as turbulence hits the plane.

"I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, Baby Doll," I say, kissing her hair. I honestly feel so bad for her.

"This is fine for now," she says. She looks up at me from beside the leather of my jacket, and it would look kind of cool if it were part of a photography shoot.

"You're too good to me," she continues.

I rest my cheek on her head. "Not necessarily," I say. "I'm just trying to give you what you deserve."

"I don't deserve anything like what you give me," she says. "But you being all mental and whatever..."

I chuckle and drop the conversation. I honestly love how she's so humble but I hate how she's so self-deprecating. I wish she could at least see how much she means to me so she'd at least stop all of her irrational snide comments about herself, and every time I try to make my thoughts known she just thinks nothing of it, like I'm just saying it for her self-esteem. I guess I am, in a sense, but I really just want her to see how much she means to me. I hate how she'll never be able to see that.

We suddenly hit a huge force of wind and Niki lurches up. Her seatbelt flies off and she goes running into the bathroom, where I faintly hear her emptying the contents of her stomach. I sigh and sit up, pulling gum and another dramamine tablet out of my pocket for her when she's done.

A couple minutes later, she comes back, trying to keep her balance in the unsteady plane, and sits beside me again. I hold out my hand for her and kiss her head. "You okay now?" I ask.

"Somewhat," she groans. She takes the dramamine before chewing on the gum and she rests against me. "Never again," she says.

I chuckle once. "Never again what?"

"Never again am I riding a plane," she says. "It just ain't happening."

I laugh and slide my arm around her waist. "Next time we'll take a train," I say.

She giggles and rests on my shoulder. "Or a boat."

We laugh and continue to talk about the prospect of riding a boat through the middle of a huge land mass to Ohio the next time we're going for a while before the flight attendant tells us we're about to land.

Blah, blah, blah, skipping over the boring and routine parts.

When the cab that we caught pulls up to my parents' house, my mom comes running out the door with her arms wide open, my dad more leisurely behind her. We get out and hug them both and grab our bags and pay for the cab. Instantly, Mom's bombarding us with a bunch of "catching up" questions so we answer all of them as we walk to my old room.

We go to dinner. It's nice being able to catch up with my small family and have this opportunity. Unfortunately, though, Niki is still sick for dinner, so she eats very minimally in fear of throwing up again.

When we get home, we just relax on the couch and watch old Batman cartoons for a while. Niki falls asleep curled up to my side, so I bid my parents an early goodnight and carry Baby Doll to my old room. She curls up to a pillow as I undress myself and I have to pry it away from her and slip in as quick as I can.

Though I'm prepared for bed and I'm ready to fall asleep, I can't. My mind is too awake. I think about Niki and my parents and this trip and trying to start a family. I want to have a kid with Niki so much, but I don't want her stressing out over the little things. I'm in love with her until the end, and even then my thoughts and feelings will remain. Maybe it's selfish choosing my love for her over my desire to have a kid, but I can't help it. She's what I want no matter what. Forever and a day.

"Andy?"

My eyes open as Niki's voice softly breaks the silence around me. "Yeah, honey?"

"Thank you for carrying me in," she says.

"Not a problem," I reply. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," she murmurs. She yawns one more time before she slips back into sleep.

Forever and a day, my Baby Doll, my angel, my Joker, my Goddess, my Niki.

I wake up to empty sheets and the smell of breakfast. My stomach grumbles as I sit up and stretch.

After putting on a wifebeater and combing through my hair, I shuffle out to the kitchen. Mom and Dad are already out there, Mom sipping coffee at the table, Dad watching some old movie on the couch, and Niki is standing over the stove, stirring something in my mom's old big pan. The oven beeps as I peer into the room, and I watch as Baby Doll gets biscuits out of the oven and sets them on the stove. She stirs the pot again.

"Goodmorning," I finally say, stepping in. The tile says a big "fuck you!" to my feet as I take cold steps to the coffee pot and my old Batman cartoon mug.

"I prepared and bought you pumpkin creamer for your coffee, honey," Mom calls from the kitchen. I thank her and go into the fridge, pour half of it into my mug (not literally, it's sarcasm, people), and take a sip. Fuck, this is good.

"Morning, Prophet," Niki says, glancing at me over her shoulder.

I set my coffee down on the counter and wrap my arms around her waist, leaning forward and kissing her cheek as she stirs again. I see white sausage gravy and piece together what we're having for breakfast. "Goodmorning, beautiful," I say, nuzzling into her throat.

She giggles once and removes the pan from the fire, placing it on the dormant backburner. She turns off the front flame.

"How did you sleep last night?" I ask.

She spins around, looking for something, but gives up quickly and leans against the counter. "Better than the night before," she answers. Anything could be better than the night before. She was restless and hot all night and couldn't even find comfort up against me (my skin was too warm).

"Is your stomach feeling better?" I ask.

She nods. "I threw up again this morning, but after that I felt fine. I think I just caught a bug or something."

I nod and rest my forehead against hers, which she just smiles at and leans in to kiss me once. "I love you," she says.

"Mm, I love you too," I say, standing straight again. One hand stays on Niki's hip as I scan over the food and remember her making this once before. "Looks good, baby," I say.

She thanks me and gets out bowls, which seems weird but is actually the best way to eat it. You pre-tear up your biscuits, then you drown it in gravy. It's delicious.

Breakfast is casual. The day is lazy until around three, when we start getting dressed to go to a baseball game. I wear my jersey. We drive into the heart of Cincinnati and watch the Reds and the Cubs. It's a great game. I find out halfway through that Niki is a fan of the Cubs because her dad was, so I mildly cheer for them with her despite the locality. The Reds win by only one point, and, though the Cubs lost, Niki still feigns joy. The whole time she just seemed tired, but, then again, so did my mom.

After the baseball game, we go to a little place my family used to eat at all the time after hockey games or a concert or something like that. I used to hang out with my friends here too, and I even see a little doodle that Chance and I had done on the back wall with Captain Cold. Niki enjoys hearing the history that I share with the establishment.

Finally, we get home. Though it's only eight o'clock, we're all pretty tired, so we decide to go to bed early.

As Niki and I are undressing in my room, Niki muses aloud. "So you used to sleep in here every night."

Though it wasn't a question, I answer, "Yep."

"You used to take your little pouty Myspace pictures in here," she says.

I chuckle once. "Yep."

"You used to write lyrics and listen to AFI and Tiger Army and dream of being a rockstar in here." She looks around.

"Honey, you've been in here before," I say. "It's not like this is a museum. It's just my old room."

"You seriously don't understand how much you meant to me as a kid," she says. "I mean, you still mean a lot to me, but when I was growing up."

"I get what you mean," I say, pulling on my flannel pajamas.

She starts crawling into bed. "You slept in this bed every night and had these crazy dreams about being a rockstar and coming out of a small town."

I lift the cover as I get in. "Yep. Nearly every night."

She curls up to my side as I adjust, and finally my arms find their way around her waist. "You still mean so much to me," she whispers.

My left hand, which is just below her hip piercing, scratches affectionately against her bare skin. "I also used to dream about meeting the perfect girl in here. Even when I was head over heels in love with Scout or anyone else, in between the cracks there was always the faintest dream of a more beautiful girl, a more perfect soul, a more flawless heart that would soon be mine."

She moans in a whiny way, leaning into my throat. "Don't do that to me," she says.

"Do what?" I ask, confused. My lips lower in a frown.

"Don't tell me I'm perfect and scratch me right there," she says. "Tell me I'm perfect all you want, but not while you scratch my tummy."

I smile at her wording. "What do you mean, Baby Doll?"

"Well, you kinda' got me horny, Andy," she says. "Whether you wanted to or not."

I'm too tired to have sex, Nikiiiiiiiiiiii. "Mm, I'm sorry," I say, slipping my hand past her Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles boxers. I scratch against her thigh.

"Stop it," she whines.

"Sh." I sit up just enough to kiss her and move my hand again so it's over where she wants. I wind up turning onto my side so she's on her back. "Open your legs, my Joker," I whisper, kissing her throat.

Her legs open wider, so it's easier for me to get at what she wants. My fingers find that button-like part of her and pushes in slightly, and she whimpers at it. My middle and ring finger push against it and move it in circles. Her fingers tangle in my hair as my name leaves her lips. I sigh as I lean in and kiss her, not from boredom or exhaustion but from the sound of my name; I could never get tired of hearing my name when it comes from her. Never.

I suddenly feel Baby Doll's cold hand over mine as she pushes my hand down. I smirk a little into her lips and kiss into the crook of her throat as my fingers slip down and inside her. Her fingers attach to my wrist as she moans quietly. Her fingernails dig into the tattoo I have of her name collage. "Andy," she says again.

As I move my fingers in time to her hips, I place my lips back onto hers to keep her quiet. My thumb moves up and rubs circles into her clit as my fingers glide in and out, and it doesn't take much longer for my motions to make her come, her moans escaping her lips and entering mine. Her hips raise and stay up for a moment before they fall and she pulls my hand away, not being able to continue.

"Thank you," she breathes.

I lick her off of my fingers. "You're welcome, Baby Doll," I say. I kiss her again for a moment and open my arms, which she crawls back into. "Goodnight," I whisper.

"Goodnight," she moans. Her eyes shut against me as she takes slow breaths, trying to tame her breathing.

I let my own eyes fall shut and hold her tight to me. We fall asleep together, our hearts beating at the same time.

When I wake up the next morning, again, it is without Niki. I need to let her know that this shit doesn't fly with me.

I sit up and groan, rubbing my eyes from the sleepiness still lingering in them. I stretch out as I yawn and take in my surroundings, remembering similar awakenings on Saturday mornings.

I suddenly hear a small beep coming from the bathroom that's just outside of my room. It ends almost as quickly as it had started and there's a heavy intake of breath.

I throw my legs over the edge of the bed, stopping for a moment because of my knee popping. Niki suddenly rushes into the room again and flops into my lap, which I groan at the suddenness and my dick kind of being squished, but I brush it off easily. "Hey, Baby Doll," I say, wrapping my arms around her waist.

"Andy," she says, a smile in her eyes and lips, her body shaking.

"Huh?" I yawn again.

Niki suddenly moves and opens her hand. As my eyes open again from the yawn, I look down. My eyes widen instantly and my breath catches in my throat.

In her hand is a positive pregnancy test strip.

"You're pregnant?" I ask in disbelief.

She nods. "The other two say the same!"

"Niki, that's fuckin' great!" I say, pulling her closer to hug her.

In this moment, everything I've wanted for the last-- nearly-- six years is coming true. All of my desires to become a father, all of my dreams of seeing Niki being a mother, all of my excitement for a new life, all resides now within the love and light of my existence, my Baby Doll, my Niki. I pull away and rest a hand over her abdomen. "There's a little piece of us both right there," I whisper, still shocked.

"There's probably two little pieces of both of us growing in there," she says, her hand resting over mine.

We look up at each other at the same time and smile. "I love you," I say.

"I love you too." She smiles brightly and leans in to kiss me. I cup her cheeks in my hand and let my lips control ours, the atmosphere around us euphoric in mood.

"Oh, your mom is making breakfast," she says, pulling away.

"Why? I already have breakfast in bed," I wink at her. I lean in and nuzzle her throat.

She sighs and lets me, but I can tell she isn't into it. I pull away.

"Sorry," she says, noticing I've noticed. "It's just... You didn't really touch my breasts last night, right?"

I shake my head as I try to remember. "I don't think so. I didn't even touch them, really."

"Well they hurt," she says. "I don't know why, but they do."

"They're supposed to, like, swell or something," I say. " 'Cause you're gonna' produce milk or whatever? So."

"And you know this how?" She raises a brow at me.

I blush. "I downloaded a parenting app," I say.

She just smiles and kisses my cheek. "You're cute," she says.

"You too," I say, leaning in and kissing her.

I wake up to the sound of Niki's melodic voice stirring me from my dreams. Two months in and the insomnia has kicked in. At least she doesn't leave anymore.

When I open my eyes to her forehead, I feel a sniffling movement and hear it. I pull away just enough to see her, and what I see is splotchy cheeks, puffy eyes, and mascara-stained cheeks. I kiss her head. "What's wrong, Baby Doll?" I ask.

"I just had a bad dream," she says quietly. "Did I wake you up?"

I nod and kiss her hair, scooting down to be level with her face. I lean in and kiss her. "That's the second one this week. Are you okay?"

She sniffles and scoots into my chest. "Yeah. I've just been thinking too much."

"About what?" I hold her closer to my chest.

"Mom and Dad," she whispers.

I pull away enough to look her in the eyes. "Baby, if the things you saw with your mom and everything are keeping you from sleeping..."

"It isn't a big deal, Andy," she murmurs, her voice tired already. "Besides, she was never my mom. I can get over it."

I remember her talking about that and the difference between "mom" and "mother." I clear my throat and say, "Even still. What you saw definitely isn't something you should have seen. If you're ever having issues, you can tell me."

She nods. "I know, Prophet. I just think it's memories since I'm gonna' be a mom and everything."

I squeeze her. "Promise to tell me if these get worse, though."

She sighs. "Okay. I promise."

I kiss her hair. "Mm-kay. You ready to go to sleep again now?"

"Erm." Niki scoots away a little and rests on my shoulder. "Sure."

"Well, what is it that you apparently want to do?" I raise a brow at her.

She scoots back in and nuzzles into my throat as I glance at the clock. Two fifty-two. She rubs over my bare abdomen and traces along the trail I just shaved for her. She likes that one little trail and that's it. Nothing else. It's not difficult to maintain that, since I hardly grow hair at all (and even when I do it's scarce and blonde so it's hardly noticeable).

I suddenly get the hint. I stretch a little as her fingers trace down, and because of the movement her fingertips are against my dick but over my pajama bottoms. I hiss at the touch as Niki uses that as her excuse to start stroking me over the pajamas.

I flip so she's on her back and I'm over her. "You're lucky that I can never get tired of seeing your beautiful body," I say, leaning in and kissing her.

"Or the fact that you have the sex drive of a twelve year old who just learned what sex is," she giggles, tangling her hand in my hair.

I laugh and deepen the kiss, bringing her closer to me.

"It has to be twins. I'm showing already," she says the next morning as we're driving to her doctors appointment.

"Well, that's what we planned for," I reply, turning.

After a few minutes, we're there and getting checked in. She changes into her gown in her room then lets me in, though I've seen her naked a million times. I guess it's the sense of "decency" she feels she needs to have when all these nurses are "judging" us.

The doctor finally comes in, and it's a woman. I wanted Niki to get a female doctor, 'cause when she told me she had a guy doctor the last time it pissed me off. I should be the only guy who gets to see her so intimately.

After a few questions about different symptoms she's been experiencing, the doctor runs some gel and a camera over her stomach. "You said you were expecting twins, right?" the doctor asks.

"Yeah," Niki says.

"We'll there's one... Two..."

"Great," Niki says.

"Three."

Both of our eyes widen and our jaws drop. "Three?" I ask.

"There's three," the doctor says. "Ones smaller than the others, but not considerably."

Our eyes lock onto each others as we take that in. We were expecting twins, not triplets.

To lighten the mood, I smile and say, "And you were concerned that you wouldn't be able to have just one."

Today is the day we found out their genders-- two boys and one girl.

Today is also the day we found out that our little girl is going to have a birth defect because of how cramped in with the other kids she is.

"I still feel like it's my fault," Niki says, staring up at our ceiling from my shoulder. She rubs over her stomach, which is already swelled sizably.

"Don't blame yourself, honey," I say. "Blame your ancestors. Blame the first of your bloodline for ever adapting to their surroundings by being small. Blame anyone you'd like, but it is not your fault. You had no choice when you were born about how small you'd be."

She sighs, unable to argue. To switch directions, she asks, "What do you think their names should be?"

"Hmm," I hum. I kiss her head and start rubbing over the places the doctor said the kids would be. I rub over one of our sons. "I like Nathan," I say. "It's a cool name even if you call him Nate. I like them both."

She nods. "Nathan Christopher," she says. She quickly adds, "For your dad."

I smile. "Then the other boy's middle name has to be Andrew-- for your dad."

"I can live with that," she says. She "hmm"s for a moment before she says, "I like David. Not David, but Davey. I really like the name Davey. And if he wants to be more professional, he can call himself David."

"I like it," I say. "Nathan Christopher and Davey Andrew."

Niki smiles against my chest and kisses it. "What about her?" she asks as my hand brushes over where the girl would be.

Silence consumes us for several minutes while we try to think. I hate every name I think of that isn't Niki's, so it's impossible for me to decide.

"I can't think of a good one," Niki says.

"Me neither," I reply. "Fuck."

After another silent moment, she says, "We'll know when she's born. It'll just come to us, like that." She snaps.

I smile and turn onto my side. I can't climb over her because of her huge stomach. She's due in a few months. "Just like that," I repeat, scanning her face and every beautiful detail.

"I love you too," she says.

"I didn't say anything," I say, frowning from confusion. "I mean, I love you but--"

"You said it all with your eyes," she says. "You always do."

I shut my eyes and rub our noses together, breathing in the perfection I exist in. "Forever and a day," I whisper.

"Still isn't long enough," she murmurs.

Thwack!

I turn to Niki as she retrieves her hand from smacking me. "Fuck, Niki, what was--"

"Andy, my water broke!" she says.

My eyes widen. "Get in the car!" I say. I quickly shoot up and run up the stairs, going to grab the baby bag in the closet. She grabs my keys and waddles out to the car. I follow her and throw the bag in the back, quickly get in, and stomp the gas pedal to get to the hospital quickly.

I'm aware, by the way, that it would take a while for all of her contractions to be done and for us to even start getting to the hospital, but she can't give birth the normal way. She has to have a Caesarian section, otherwise she might hurt herself. We want to be able to get there quickly enough that they can give her a muscle relaxer so she doesn't have to go through the contractions when she doesn't have to.

We pull up quickly and get inside. They quickly take her into the laboring area while I'm given forms to fill out to sign her in. I scribble answers down quickly so that I can get in there and help her. It's been my intent since the beginning. I ask one of the nurses, who gives me gloves, a face mask, something to hold my hair back that resembles a rectangular hat, and a gown for the front of my clothes. I only put on the hat and the gown, not bothering to tie it in the back. It's my kids-- I think I can handle their germs. Regardless, I put the gloves in my pocket along with the face mask. If they require me to wear them to see my family, then I will.

I'm allowed in, though they ask that I at least put on my gloves since it's a c-section and not an actual child birth. When I enter, Niki has these big sheets pulled up around her abdomen, but I could still see blood shining through the thin white sheets. I walk up to her side as she's breathing a little heavy and she's sweating from the huge light over her.

"Andy," she croaks.

"I'm here, Baby Doll," I say, kissing her temple as I crouch down. I grab her hand. "I'll be here the whole time, okay? Just breathe."

She nods, though a tear slips from her eye. "It's gonna' hurt, Andy," she whimpers.

"I know, honey, I know," I say. I kiss her cheek. "But be strong for me and Davey and Nate and our little girl, okay? Be strong for our family." When I think about it, I quickly text the bands and my parents and Niki's brother and grandma that she's giving birth and to expect to see her soon. Then I shut off my phone, since I don't want to have to read back eleven spirit-lifting messages right now.

Niki's hand suddenly tightens on mine. "Fuck!" she says. When I glance up, I see the doctors starting to officially cut her abdomen open.

I kiss her trembling lips despite the fact that she isn't kissing back. "Honey, it's okay," I repeat over and over. "I'm here, you're okay."

"Andy, I can't do this," she cries. "I can't. I can't."

"Yes you can, Niki," I say. "Don't give up on us. You can do it for us. You can do it."

I hear crying as a nurse takes one baby from the doctor. "Boy," she says.

"Davey," I whisper. "Davey is out, okay? Do it for Nate and our little girl. You can do it, Niki."

As Davey is whisked away, another nurse grabs another kid. "Girl," she says, taking her away too.

"Last one, Niki," I say. I squeeze her hand. "Do it for Nathan, okay? He's excited to see you."

Niki nods, her whole body shaking, as Nathan is pulled out and given to a nurse. "You're done, Mrs. Biersack," a doctor says. "Let's sew you up."

"Oh my God," she whimpers. "No, no."

I kiss her again, not getting a response again. "Honey, this is it. You won't even feel it, I promise. Do it for me, okay? It'll be real quick, okay?"

"Andy," she whimpers, another tear rolling down her cheek.

It breaks my heart to see her like this. I wish this could just be done and we can hold our kids and be a big happy family right now but this needs to happen. She needs to be in pain.

"Baby, please," I whisper. "You can do it. Please, get through this for me. I'll do anything after this to help. Please."

Her hand squeezes mine, but she keeps her eyes shut. I count it as some sort of response. I kiss her again, hoping to feed my strength into her. I squeeze her hand again.

She suddenly lurches, but I help to keep her down. "Andy, please," she cries, begging. The doctors are working quickly. "Please. Make it stop."

"You're almost done," I whisper. A tear slips from my eye as I see her trying to give up. "You can do it. Do it for me and my parents and our kids and Riot and Tim and your grandma. Please, please, please, honey. I'll do anything."

"Now your abdomen. You're almost done, Niki."

"Please," she begs.

Not knowing what else to do, I fold down the plastic rail of her bed and move her, though that's probably the last thing they need. I bring my legs up as much as I can and hold her close to me. "You're okay," I whisper. "You're okay."

Niki squeezes my hand as they start sewing her back up. Tears leak through her eyes like rain.

Why is it hurting her this much? They should've given her medications to help. Didn't they?

"You're done, Niki. You're done."

Niki starts curling into me, her back still flat but her shoulders and face in my chest. I start repeating, "It's over. You're okay. It's over. You're okay."

They start cleaning her up. She cries a little into my chest, but I understand and I hold her.

"Be careful, Mrs. Biersack," someone says as they pull apart the fabric curtains. "We're going to move you so that we can change the sheets."

"Just leave me alone!" she yells, although it's muffled in my shoulder. I just give them a look like, "Give me a minute."

"Niki, you made it," I whisper, kissing her head. "You did it. I'm proud of you, okay? I love you so much. Thank you."

"I don't feel good," she whimpers. She sniffles.

"I know, Baby Doll, I know," I say. "Can we move, though? Please? Just for a minute, and then we can cuddle and hold our kids and be a family, okay?"

"I can't move," she says.

"I'll help you." I start to pull away, to her extreme protest, but I tell her not to move her abdomen and pick her up from there, making sure it's as straight as possible. They change the sheets quicker than I can tell they're used to, as they're stumbling over each other to get it done. Finally, I can set her back down.

"Can I get changed?" she asks.

"I'm sure you can," I say. "Hang on." Despite knowing that they're going to want her to wear another gown, I forget about it and flip through the baby bag to the bottom where she packed extra clothes for herself just in case. I pull out a white v-neck, soft black shorts, a sports bra, and plain black underwear, since that's what she packed.

"You'll have to help me," she says hoarsely.

My voice gives out for a moment as I realize how broken she sounds. A nurse comes in and says that she should wear a hospital gown since it's sterilized, but I tell her that Niki's okay, that the clothes are clean, and that she's really tired and would probably bite her head off if argued with. The nurse understands and hesitantly leaves, saying she'll be back in about ten minutes to set up an IV and her heart monitor. It seems a little overdone for Niki just giving birth, but I realize quickly that a Caesarian section can seriously take a lot out of her, so I don't question it.

I help Niki take off her pajama bottoms and baby fluid-soaked panties, quickly helping her slip back into the clean pair and shorts. Getting her bra and shirt replaced is easier, and when I'm done she looks considerably more comfortable. I fold everything and set it by the end of the bed, where I'll ask the nurse to wash those for her later.

When everything is said and done, I get back into bed with Niki and hold her close. She sighs into the fabric of my shirt. "That was horrible," she says after a minute.

"Didn't they give you something to numb the pain? They had to," I say.

"They only gave me something to stop the contractions. They did the c-section with nothing," she answers, her voice beat and tired.

"Nothing?!" I repeat.

"Nothing."

"Those fuckin'..." I start moving away.

"Andy, don't," she says, although it's not as strong as she wants. "They said that they didn't have enough time, that once the muscle relaxer worked that it would be enough."

"That's bullshit, Niki!" I say. "Your skin is not a muscle! It's skin!"

She sighs. "Please, Andy," she whispers. "Please come back."

With every inch of my body there is a burning fury towards all of the doctors for making her undergo all of the physical pain that she had to endure, but with every inch of my body I just want to make her feel better, to keep her protected again and make sure nothing can ever harm her again. With a reluctant sigh, I scoot back into the bed and hold my arms out, which she curls into my side on her side, trying to keep her body very rigid. I ask if she wants me to move, and she says no, that it's better on her side and that she's just tired.

The nurse comes in several minutes later, but she's very cheery. "Mr and Mrs. Biersack?" she says, "get ready to meet your kids!"

We both sit up at this, me helping her to lay back and straight but comfortable, and two other nurses come in with the two boys. We both take them and smile as we look at our two sons. The one I'm holding has blue eyes like mine and blonde hair. I get really excited and look at the boy Niki's holding. She's crying happily as she does the same. He has black hair with blue eyes.

"He's going to grow up and look just like you," she says.

I nod and kiss her temple, but I quickly look up. "Where's our girl?" I ask, catching Niki's attention.

The lady's expression sours. "There were some... complications." Immediately seeing that we're expecting the worse, she says, "She's perfectly healthy! Do not fret over that! She'll survive and be completely healthy! The problem is how small she is comparatively, and she still hasn't made a sound yet. There is no fluid in her lungs or esophagus, so we're trying to figure this out. We'll get her to you as soon as possible."

Niki lets out an exhausted, worried sob and rests on my shoulder, holding our son close. It finally registers to me that we're parents. The concern I'm feeling is parental. It's weird feeling this way, but nice at the same time.

"Please update us as soon as possible," I say calmly. Although I hate the situation, the doctors told us to expect this because of how cramped she was with the boys.

"Of course," the nurse says. "But, for right now, we get to pick names!" She grabs two birth certificates from her clipboard.

I kiss Niki's head as she sits up again and calms down slightly. I ask, "Which boy came first-- do you remember?"

"The one you're holding," she says.

"Then this is David," I say, looking back at Niki. I kiss her collar bone. "David Andrew. Normal spelling."

"David Andrew," she repeats. "What a nice name. Born at 10:37."

"And this one is Nathan Christopher," Niki fills in. "Normal spelling too."

"You guys pick good names," she says, filling out the next one. "Born at 10:46."

"The girl was in between them, right?" I ask.

"Yes, at 10:41," she answers. "Do you have a name for her too?"

"No," I answer. "For her, we were kinda' betting on the whole, 'The-first-time-we-see-her-we'll-know' thing."

"Oh. Well then," she says. "I'll get her in here as soon as possible then. Pretty soon, though, we'll have to take these boys to get their shots and everything," she says.

"Okay," Niki murmurs to herself. She kisses Nate's head. "You're perfect, honey. Just the way you are."

I ask to switch and we do. It's almost creepy how similar to me Nate is. He has Niki's nose, though. After a few more minutes, they take them to get their shots and incubators.

When everything is finally settled and Niki has her IV and everything, we pull each other in closely and shut our eyes, praying for sleep. Fortunately, it comes quicker than the birth did.

Niki.

"Ma'am. Excuse me, Niki."

I wake up and groan instantly, my abdomen screaming at me. Andy is curled up to my side, and he starts to wake up too. When my eyes open, I see the nurse holding our little girl. I instantly sit up, making Andy almost fall over, but when he sees her he perks up too. I hold out my arms, and she's instantly in them.

My heart races a little as I take in every small detail of her face-- her rosy cheeks, her green eyes that match mine, her dark, matted down hair, and how short she is compared to the two boys. It reminds me about her "complications," so I look up at the nurse. "She's so perfect," I say. "What were you worried about?" I feel Andy move to hold her, so I let him.

"Well," the nurse sighs, regret and despair present in her voice. "Your daughter is perfectly healthy. A little small, but that won't cause any future complications. The problem is... Well, did your doctor tell you what could happen?"

I want to tear my hair out. It's like the end of a TV episode where they go, "And the loser is..." and wait for five minutes before announcing it. "All my doctor said was that it's impossible to predict what the birth defect would be," I answer.

The nurse sighs again and clasps her hands together. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but your daughter was born without vocal chords," she says.

My heart drops. I knew something bad would happen, but I never expected this. I tense up and basically freeze as I think about it. She'll never be able to be normal. She'll never be able to have in depth conversations with people. She'll never be able to laugh at any jokes. She'll never be able to-- Oh God, she'll never be able to attempt to sing like Andy or I. This is what stabs my heart the hardest and makes me start crying.

Our little girl will never be able to express herself in anyway. Not singing, not talking, not laughing, not groaning, not wailing... Nothing.

"I'm so sorry," the nurse says, starting to walk backwards out of the room.

I lay back against the pillows again, ignoring the pain that comes with the movements, and start crying. Andy tries to keep our girl up while scooting into me so he can comfort me. I take her from him and hold her as close as I can without smothering her.

"Baby Doll, it'll be okay," Andy says, though his words crack.

It will be okay, but she'll never be able to speak. Ever. That's the worst part, that it's irrevocable. She'll never be able to do what we can. Never.

Andy kisses my cheek and nuzzles into my jaw. His hand rests over her, and she just stares up at me, her eyes the exact same colour as mine when I get upset, a greenish-gray. I trace my fingers around her whole face, and when my finger reaches her lips she starts sucking on it. I just give a small smile and rub my thumb over her cheek.

Tiredly, Andy moves a little from my arm. "She needs a name, y'know," he says, rubbing his thumb over her forehead. His hand laces with my right hand.

My mind takes over as I just stare at our daughter, who isn't even an hour old. I don't want to give her a name that sounds like every other girl's name. I want to be able to prove that even though she'll never have a voice that she'll be confident in who she is, that she'll be never take shit from anybody, that she'll leave just as much as an impression on anyone that Andy or I could. Something that will resonate within everyone and stay there forever.

"Echo," I suddenly whisper.

The moment the word leaves my lips, I get it. That's it. Even without a sound, she'll leave an echo, something that'll stay with someone-- at least for a while.

"Echo," Andy repeats, almost like a question, but with more security behind it. "Echo."

"Echo," I say once more. I kiss her head as her eyes shut.

"Just Echo," Andy says. "Nothing else."

"I love it," I say.

The same nurse from before comes in. "So... Finally see that name in her eyes?" she asks.

I look up at her as she pulls the certificate out. I nod. "Echo," I answer.

"Echo...?"

"Nothing else. Just Echo," Andy continues.

"Just Echo," she says, smiling. "Born at 10:41 on October seventeenth."

Andy kisses the corner of my jaw. "And they're all perfect."

"Just like you," I say.

"Just like you," he repeats. He kisses me once.

"Well, she needs her shorts and to get to her incubator too," the nurse says. "You can have her visit whenever you want after a few hours.

I reluctantly hold Echo out, not wanting her to leave yet, but understanding. Andy brings her back and kisses her once, then he lets her go. She takes her and leaves.

I lay back again, though my abdomen protests of movement. Andy curls up beside me and holds me as close as he can manage without hurting me. I hold him too and run my fingers through his hair as he sighs against me.

"As painful as it was," he says, "it was worth it, wasn't it?"

"Of course," I say, kissing his head.

"I love you," he says.

"I love you too."

"Forever and a day."

"Still isn't long enough."