"Jaynie..." he slid off the bale and hit the ground, gasping for breath as he groped for the handle of the knife buried in his ribs. "Jaynie..."
"Al told me everything, and even though he is a loathsome human being, I believe him. You're a maggot, Toby Whitney! You shot me! You shot me and then lied about it, and the result was the killing of fine Indian warriors by those blue coated dogs! You are not fit to walk the same earth, or breathe the same air-" I was shaking with restraint, wanting to drive the blade all the way in then twist it around, but all I could hear were the words of my father...'A man is only as good as his heart, his self-control. Without that, we are savages.'
"You-" His voice was hushed as his eyes bulged with the effort to speak. "You gonna h-haaa..."
I waited, but he couldn't speak, fighting for breath talking all the energy needed to form words. Moving off the bale, avoiding his grasping hands, I stepped around where he lay on the ground and walked slowly from the barn, ignoring his weak rasps behind me. In the corral was Al Baily, ignorantly stripping his mount of riding gear, and I suddenly headed that way. I couldn't explain to myself why I was doing this, for Al Baily was the last human in the world I trusted, but I couldn't stop the words from coming to my lips.
"If you wish to release yourself from debt to Toby, go into the barn. Your freedom awaits you."
"I ain't got time for games, squaw, I've had a long day." He growled at me.
"And I would not play with you if there were no other humans within a thousand miles, pig...but do what you want."
Walking away, I heard him eventually swear loudly as he headed to barn, where his loud exclamation of shock echoed to me. Whatever I was expecting was not what happened, for as I reached the stairs I heard Al laughing, and he laughed for a long time. Opening the door to the house, I found Frank sitting at the table drinking a cup of coffee eating a piece of cake, my mother at his side. Whatever they'd been saying died as I appeared, and Mamma's face went ashen.
"Jaynie!" Leaping to her feet she nearly upset the table. "What happened?"
"What?" I was startled, but she rushed over, grabbing at my hand. My fingers were coated with a crimson stain, Toby's blood soaking into the cuff of my sleeve unnoticed until now.
"Are you hurt?"
"No, no I'm fine."
"What- what is this then? What happened?"
I let her lead me to the sink but knew I'd have to admit what I'd done, and why. This was by far the worst transgression I'd made, and Frank would doubtless be furious for my not telling him sooner. Steeling myself against their anger, I sat at the table and calmly told them everything, start to finish. I left nothing out, and by the time I was through Mamma was red from anger and shock, but Frank...the look in his eyes was terrifying.
Storm clouds raged, lightning flashed while lethal fury burned at me from gray eye so dark they looked black. His normally tan skin was pale from anger, his skin drawn down tightly over his features. With cold deliberation, he moved to the wall and took the pistol from his gun belt that hung there, a weapon he'd not worn in over eight years. Looking at me, his voice was thick when he spoke.
"How are you certain it was Toby?"
"Al told me-"
"An' you believe him, just like that?" his voice rose to a shout. "What proof do you have that you just knifed the right man?"
"Why would Al lie about it?"
"That ain't the point! You don't take the law into your own hands!" Struggling to reign in his temper, Frank raked fingers through his hair. "Without proof you're just a vigilante, or worse- blast it...Toby still in the barn?"
"Unless Al moved him," I almost couldn't answer, for never before had Frank inspired fear in me, but at the moment it was heavily flooding my body. Mamma took a step forward.
"What are you going to do?"
"Sort it out."
"Shouldn't we go for the sheriff-?"
"Now that Jaynie's stabbed him? Not unless you want her hung. You think anyone in town is goin' to think twice about this mess if word gets out? You think anythin' we say is gonna stop 'em from stormin' out here to take her away?"
"Frank, what's going to happen?" She gestured at the pistol in his hand. "What are you thinking of doing?"
"Never you mind," his blunt answer silenced her, and with a loud slam of the door, he was gone. We sat quietly, not looking at one another, and my eyes shifted to the loft. Rose was sitting up, her eyes huge, and she met my gaze without moving. Instinctively she knew not to make a sound. My heart was thumping so loudly I was certain Mamma could hear it too. Uncertainty, doubt, and guilt converged upon me, and I trembled in shame for what I had done, the trouble that I had so thoughtlessly started.
A sudden loud scream from outside made us all jump, and as Mamma stood up to go to the door Rose dove back under the covers, disappearing from sight. My heart was racing, lungs so tight it was hard to breathe, but I stayed motionless, waiting. All sorts of horrible visions flooded my mind as I conjured up the terrors behind that scream. It was not long.
Heavy footsteps indicated Frank's return and he pushed the door open, holstering his gun as he walked by the belt. Striding directly to the table he slammed his fist down onto the wood, leaving the hunting knife quivering in place, the blade driven halfway into the surface. Mamma's face was like snow, I afraid to move. Frank stood for a moment with his head down, and I could hear his heavy breathing, knowing he was fighting for control of his temper.
"Father...?"
"Been long years since I wanted to kill a man that bad...I wanted to pull that trigger an' watch the light fade from him..." Frank shook his head, lifting his eyes to glare at me. "I forced Toby to tell me the truth, blast him- and that Al Baily! The only reason he ain't ridin' outta here is 'cause he brought you home safe! A pair of skunks they are, lyin', murderin', no good coyotes!"
Mamma and I were riveted to him, staring, breathless waiting. There was a long pause, then "Jenny." The sound made her flinch as my body jerked. "You and Rose stay here. Jaynie...you come with me."
"Frank-"
"Jenny!" There was a razor's edge in his tone and she froze. "Not. Now."
"Frank Colter," Mamma was whispering, her voice quivering but she stood firm. "If you think for one minute that I'm letting my daughter go with you out to face God knows what, you're insane."
"Leave it be, woman," he warned darkly. My eyes darted between the two of them. "She's crossed the line this time, near killed a man. I ain't lettin' this one go, I can't turn a blind eye to this."
"She's my daughter-" Mamma argued, but then I stood up. For the first time I began to see myself clearly, what I had done in the harsh light of the world I lived in. What I had done was just, in my own way, to my own people, but according to the law of the white man-?
"He's right," Fear was pulsing inside me, but I managed to lift my eyes.
"No-"
"Mamma," I put a trembling hand on her arm. "I'll take whatever punishment I have to face...I deserve it, and I would rather have it from Frank than anyone else."
Frank went to the front door and opened it, gesturing for me leave then followed me out. In silence we went down the steps and across the yard, over to the barn and inside where dim shadow would conceal what I was certain would be a fierce whipping. But my father merely saddled a white speckled bay mare, slid a rifle in the boot then held out his hand for me.
"Come on."
"Where are we going?"
"We? No, Jaynie...not we. You."
"Me?" I took a step back but he came forward, pulling me to the horse and bodily lifting me into the saddle. "What's happening?"
"You're leaving." Stepping back, Frank looked up at me with heartbreak and crushing disappointment in his eyes. "I can't have you here, Jaynie, not acting like the savage I've been tellin' everyone you're not. Toby may die yet, an' while he deserves to, it shouldna come at your hand. You should have told me, been honest about what was happening, but- you never listen! You're stubborn, reckless, hot tempered- and now you have answer for it, before you put your ma an' Rose in danger. You ever think what would happen if the sheriff got wind of this, or the army? Tarnation Jaynie, don't you get it?"
"I don't understand, Frank...I heard a scream, and the bloody knife, how is what I did-?"
"I cut off the finger that pulled the trigger, to remind Toby of what he's done, but you put a knife through his ribs. You got any idea how much trouble that will cause, a half breed knifin' a white man? They'll hang you for sure an' certain, with all the grief through the years with Hayes and Nash, and before you start objectin'- no. It won't matter a lick that he shot you by accident." His eyes flashed with frustration and anger as he searched for a way to get through to me. Frank did not realize the numbness I felt was due to the gravity of my sin, not the lack of understanding of its consequences, but my tongue was dead inside my mouth, limp and unresponsive in the face of his wrath.
"Blast it all Jaynie! I thought you trusted me, I could have helped you, I could have made it right, but now-? Get off my land...and stay off. You wanna live like a real savage, go, live like one, but you won't do it here."
"Frank-" It was the first time he'd used that word to me, and I felt it cut deep. His meaning was not as an Indian, but as a person without moral compass, a person driven by basic and selfish need, one who did not care at all for the welfare of others.
"Now, Jaynie." He was breathing fast, both hands clenched into tight fists as I watched his expression twist into hardened disapproval. Guilt and shame turned my blood cold as I watched the only father I could truly remember send me away. I saw the hurt in his eyes, the pain caused by my actions.
"You had your chances, but you never really believed in me, you were never honest with me about what was happening. I don't want to have to drive you away but you left me no other options here. There ain't no way to help you if you don't trust me. Now get."
With my heart bursting, engulfed by so much sadness that I couldn't think, I turned the horse away, leaving him staring after me with tears in his eyes. Hanging my head, blocking the world I'd lost from view, I let the mare pick her own direction. Frank's choice of punishment was the cruelest he could have inflicted on me, for even a whipping would have hurt less. Now I was truly a wandering spirit, with nowhere to belong. The haunting cry of an owl followed me into the darkness.