Chapter Thirty-Nine
Two days. Dani's been like this for two days. I am literally at the end of my rope. She's been sitting on the edge of the couch for 2 days, just crying and shaking. I don't know what's going on in her head; I don't know what actually happened, not from her point of view anyway. She's as stiff as a board and she must be sore. She won't lay down, she won't talk to me, she won't even eat or drink. I do the only thing I can think to do. I snatch up my cell and head into the spare room. I make sure to tell Dani where I'm going, even if I know she's not going to respond.
I dial the number that's so familiar to me, and say, “Hey dad.”
“Hey Eli. What's wrong?”
“It's Dani, dad. Something is really wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. I need your help...”
“Ok, ok. Slow down, son. Just talk me through it, slowly.”
I take a deep breath and explain, “Something happened at work and she's not doing very well. She's been sitting on the edge of the couch for 2 days. She won't eat or drink. She won't sleep. She just keeps crying. I don't know what to do. She won't even acknowledge me. I don't know how to get through to her. I've tried everything I know. Everything that usually works, but nothing is working. I need your help, dad.”
“Alright, I'm on my way. Just text me her address and I'll leave now.”
I do as he says and just wait until he gets here. I don't know if Dani's going to freak out or not, but anything will be a change from her recent behavior.
It's 20 minutes before the doorbell rings. I see Dani stiffen, but she doesn't do anything else. I take a deep breath before opening the door and facing my father. He shoots me a tight smile before quickly scanning the room for Dani. When his eyes fall on her trembling form, his face drops and I can see the worry on his features.
He whispers, “Do you want to fill me in, Eli?”
“Not right now. I just need you to help her. She can't carry on like this.”
“Right. We will talk later.”
My dad carries his bag into the living room and he takes the chair opposite Dani. I sit on the arm of the chair at the opposite end of her couch. Her breathing hitches and turns slightly more erratic, so I know she knows we're here. It hurts me that us just sitting here upsets her so much, but I can't focus on that right now.
“Dani? Sweetheart? I'm worried about you. I asked my dad to come here because I don't know what to do any more. I'm scared, baby...”
Still nothing.
My dad shoots me a look, that tells me to stop, so I just sit and listen to him talk. “Dani, it's Don. I need you to let me know you can hear me...”
Her eyes briefly flicker to my dad's feet and then back to the floor. That's something different.
“That's it. Good girl. Now, I'm not going to ask you what happened. I know you don't want to talk about it. I know you don't want to remember any more. However, Eli is extremely worried about you. He says you haven't slept in 2 days. He says you haven't eaten or drunk anything either. That can't carry on, unless you want to go into hospital. Do you want it to get to that?”
She takes a shaky breath and a few more tears fall.
“I know you don't want to go to hospital, Dani. I need to help you. I need to give you something to help you relax. You need to get some rest before you can do anything else. Will you let me do that? Will you let me give you something to help you sleep?”
She backs off, into the back of the chair, brings her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs. That would be a no, then.
“It's nothing you can get addicted to, I promise. It's just a little sedative to help you sleep. Once you get some rest, then you can start to put the pieces back together. I don't know what happened, and I don't need to know, I only need to know that it's upset you. I only need to know that you want my help. Do you want my help?”
She doesn't answer, just trembles more, if that's even possible.
My dad's eyes flicker towards me and I whisper, “Dani, you need my dad's help. Please baby, just let him do this. I'm begging you here. Please, baby.”
Her eyes lift towards me, but they don't reach my eyes. I can still see the emotion hidden in them though. I see the pain, the fear and the torment in those ice blue orbs and it nearly brings me to tears. She's petrified and there's nothing I can do to stop that.
My dad reaches into his bag and pulls out a syringe and a vial of liquid. He fills the syringe and then rests it on the table. He says, “I'm going to leave it there for a minute, Dani. I'll give you a few minutes to decide what you want to do. I'll give it to you, if that's what you want, but I will warn you that if something doesn't change, you will be taken out of here in an ambulance. I don't want to scare you even more, but I do need to tell you the truth. You deserve to know the truth...”
He walks away from the living room and heads into the kitchen. I follow after him and before I can even ask the question, he answers it. “She'll do it. She won't want to go to hospital, so she'll either take it herself or let me do it. It's an intravenous drug, so it has to go straight into a main vein. The good thing about that is, it'll work very quickly. Maybe a minute or two before she falls asleep. Just give her another minute or so. You got coffee?”
“Yes sir.”
END of Eli's POV
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Once Eli and his dad have left the living room, I stare at the syringe. I don't really want to take the sedative, but I can't go on any longer. I'm so tired, so so tired. Every time I close my eyes I see Paul, I see Cain, I see all the memories from the brothel flash before my eyes. All the beatings, all the tortures, all the rapes, all the times cigarettes were stubbed out on my skin, all the weapons that were used on me, all the dances and lewd acts I've had to perform. All of the memories and pictures are too much for my brain to take all in one hit and I feel like my head is going to explode.
I feel even more dirty than I usually do. The kind of dirty that can't be washed away by a shower or a bath. It's a dirt that stains me from within and there's nothing that can take it away. Maybe Paul was right. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I play games with people. Maybe that's why all these bad things keep happening. I must be doing something wrong, right? It's all my fault, it must be. I can't take that reality. I can't comprehend that gravity of that thought. I don't know what I'm doing wrong so I don't know how to change whatever it is. If I knew, I'd stop doing it and then these atrocious acts might stop happening to me.
I need my brain to stop. I can't deal with the thoughts and memories any more. My body is aching from all the trembling and my head is pounding from all the crying. How I still have tears I do not know. I feel guilty for making Eli worry about me. I'm scared because his dad is in my house. I'm terrified of taking the drugs; anything could happen to me while I'm out, it could start my addiction again. But I'm also terrified of not taking it as well. I can't go to the hospital. They'll find me there, I know they will. I know that the weird phone calls are not a coincidence. It's all too much and I can't deal with it. I have to rest my body and my mind, even if it's just for a little while. What happens while I'm out, happens. At least I won't know what it is, I guess. I've dealt with worse, right?
When Eli and his dad enter my line of vision, I'm perched on the edge of the couch again, staring intently at the syringe. As Don sits down, he asks, “Have you decided?”
I hear a broken and fragile voice whisper, “Please help me...” But I don't recognize it as my own.
“Ok, ok. We'll help you. It's an intravenous drug, Dani. I'm going to need to administer it myself...”
I manage to whisper, “No, no, no, no.....”
Saying that sparks another memory. I remember saying that to Paul as he approached me and I panic. I search for Eli and say, “Make it stop, Eli.... Please? Make it stop....”
I'm desperate, I'm not going to deny it. I feel like a weak idiot for having to rely on him so much, but I can't help it. I can't function with my mind like this. My panic rises and above the whooshing in my ears and my rapid heartbeat, I manage to hear Eli say, “Dani, look at me. We're not going to do anything you don't want us to. Please just look at me...”
I raise my eyes to his, but then quickly look back to where his dad is sitting. I don't want to take my eyes off him in case he decides to just grab the syringe and stab me with it.
“No, baby, really look at me. My dad won't do anything. He won't even move, right dad?”
“Nope, I'm not going to move a muscle.”
I let out a sharp breath and glance back up at Eli.
“That's it, baby. Just take a deep breath for me... That's it. Just count with me. You want to give me your hand?”
I shake my head crazily and whisper, “Please make it go away.... I can't do it any more... Please....”
Eli instantly knows what I'm trying to say, because he asks his dad, “Will this make her dream? Will it stop the nightmares?”
His dad sighs and answers, “I don't know. I can't promise that. I can give something else as well to try to combat that, but I can't make any promises.”
“Do you want something else as well to try to stop the nightmares?”
“I just want it to stop. Eli, please make it stop...”
I don't what this moment is doing to him, but it's killing me right now. I'm so vulnerable and so weak at the moment and I hate it. I can't stand that I can't protect myself at all. Even just leaving the room is too much for me to do right now.
“I'm trying, sweetheart. Will you let my dad give you the injections?”
I don't say anything, so Don makes a move towards his bag. I jump and my eyes fly over to him. Before I know it, I say, “You said you wouldn't move! Eli?!”
My hands reach for Eli, like he's going to protect me and keep me safe. He carefully takes both of my hands and holds them gently. He leans closer to me and whispers, “Listen to me baby, he's just trying to help you. He's just getting something from his bag. Can you just let him give you the meds?”
“I don't want him to touch me. Please don't let him touch me...”
Everything falls silent and I'm guessing the 2 men are sharing a look or something. I whisper, “I'll do it.”
“You'll do it? You'll give yourself the drugs? Are you sure you're up to that?”
I reach for the syringe with shaky hands and both men watch me carefully. I try to steady the needle enough to find a vein, but my hands are trembling too much. I'm shaking because my body can't cope with everything that's happened, but I'm also trembling because I don't really want to take any drugs. The thought of putting that needle into my skin terrifies me.
Don speaks up, “Dani, you're not going to be able to do this. You can't hold your hands steady enough. You'll hurt yourself. Please just let me do this...”
I shake my head. I don't want any one else to touch me. There's been too much touching and I can't deal with it. I don't want to be touched; I don't want to remember. Now, it may seem like an irrational thought. You may think I should just let the man give me the drug and get it over with. But you see, the thing about fears, phobias, and paranoia, they are not rational thoughts. They cause an irrational reaction in your body, which means you can't process things in a realistic way. If I was calm enough and in control of myself enough, I might have just let Don give me the meds. But then again, if I was in control then I wouldn't need them, would I?
Don sighs and looks at Eli. I can see the exchange out the corner of my eye. “Eli?”
“She doesn't like to be touched, dad. I told you that. I can't make her let you touch her. I won't do that. I'm not going to force her to do anything.”
“Well, you're the only one who can touch her so you're going to have to do it. You had medical training, right?”
“Yes sir, but that's not really something I'm practiced at...”
“Well, you're just going to have to go back to your training. I'll talk you through it. Dani, are you ok with Eli giving you the injections?”
I've resigned myself to having these drugs and I'm more comfortable with Eli giving them to me, so I mumble, “Ok.”
“Ok. Eli, you need to give the sedative last. That will be the one that makes her sleepy so doing the other one first will be better. You need to roll up her sleeve, just to the elbow... Dani? Everything ok?”
My breathing picks up. My arms; they're going to see my arms... I didn't realize I was thinking out loud until Don asks, “What about your arms?”
I hear Eli's deep sigh and I know that he knows. All he says is, “Just ignore whatever you see, dad. Please, just forget whatever you see here.”
I'm not strong enough to fight it anymore and Eli slowly slides my sleeve up, keeping a gentle hold on my hand. He looks me in the eyes as he's doing this and I vaguely hear him humming 'Gravity'. I hear the change in Don's breath, even though he tries to disguise it and I feel even more dirty. I feel the need to wrap my arms around myself and try to hide. I think Eli sees this, because he whispers, “It's ok, Dani. You don't need to run; you don't need to hide. It's ok.”
“Eli, you need to extend Dani's arm and look for the vein on the inside of her elbow. You see it right there?”
“Yes sir.”
“Ok. I think the easiest way to do this will be to keep the same needle in the vein for both drugs. It's not ideal, but it means you don't have to look for the vein again. Are you ready?”
I think he was asking both of us, but neither of us answer. Eli glances back up at my eyes, trying to reassure me. I can't take my eyes off his face. He looks so torn and so pained by this, but I can't think why. It doesn't really affect him, does it? I mean, he's not the one taking the drugs. He's not the one that has to deal with the memories. But then I realize, he has to deal with me. He has to deal with all of my baggage. Not because he has to, he could walk away at any moment. He's had plenty of chances to walk away. Heck, I've pushed him away enough times already. No, it's not because he has to. He stays because he wants to and that thought hits my heart like a bolt of lightening. I see him mouth, “I'm sorry, baby” as I feel the cold liquid enter my vein. It's a shocking feeling, but also a very familiar feeling. In a way I welcome the liquid into my system, begging it's effects to caress my senses; to numb everything inside of me.
After the first injection, I don't feel any change in me and I start to wonder if this is even going to work. Maybe my system is so immune to drugs that this won't work. I can't tear my eyes away from Eli. He's in deep concentration, probably trying not to mess this up. He shouldn't worry though, he doesn't mess anything up. He looks at me again before putting the second injection in and he shoots me a tight smile. As the new liquid fills my veins, I hear him whisper, “It's going to be ok, baby. You'll get some rest and then we'll deal with everything else later. Just rest for now...”
My eyelids get heavy and I hear him humming something. I remember being surprised that it worked and I remember thinking how sorry I am for everything before the darkness engulfs me.