Edited - 7/30/19
Calum
There were times where my mind would just go woah, this is actually happening. Like the first time we performed in front of thousands of people, or the moment we won our first ever award. I get all emotional and it becomes overwhelming.
Before I was supposed to go to Luke's house, my mind had that woah, this is actually happening moment. However, it was not in the good way.
Patricia had mentioned at the meeting that Luke and I would go on a 'date' after we went to our press conference. I was basically still asleep at the meeting so I didn't really think much about it. When I got home and Patricia called to tell me the details, only then did I actually think about what really was going on.
I didn't know why, but suddenly everything about this felt incredibly wrong. I knew that this publicity stunt was already sort of messed up from the start, but I just felt a deep, gut-wrenching emotion just then. Patricia continued to tell me where we would go, what time, and how we should act. It wasn't the first time she did that, the contract Luke and I signed specifically mentioned that we would follow our managers' choices.
When she hung up, I started thinking about Luke. And I continued to think about Luke as I sat on my bed, my phone in my hands. I thought about him and how I did like—love—him, and that just made the gut-wrenching emotion I felt, be it guilt or sadness, worse.
I was experiencing what I wanted and what I could have had with Luke if I hadn't messed up everything, from things like holding hands to going on dates—but this was a publicity stunt.
Some of our actions were improvised, I know. However, in the grand scheme of things, this was just like a movie. You adapt to your role not because you'd necessarily do them in real life, but because that's what the situation called for; that's what the role called for so you'd be able to put on a great show.
I didn't go to Luke that night, and I placed my phone away from arm's reach. I needed to think. It probably wasn't the best idea now that I know how worried Luke was. I needed to settle my thoughts and think about what it was exactly that I wanted to do as a man who had feelings for another man and not as a celebrity who was pushed into dating another celebrity for publicity.
Of course I did want what I currently had with Luke. Everything. From the lightest touches to kisses in public. But I wanted more, I wanted what we had to be real.
And when the next day had come around, I was certain I would talk to him. I was even thinking about telling him how I was feeling.
It also dawned on me, how I would be leaving in a few days and how I would be gone for months. I've been looking forward to this tour, I still was. Of course there was always going to be downsides in doing the things you love.
I'd be away from Luke. Again.
I wanted to go over to Luke's house immediately that morning, but I delayed it because I needed to talk to someone first. Ashton was busy in the gym, so I went over to Michael's place and he was more than happy to talk.
I stayed longer than I intended. Michael did give some great advice. I accidentally let it slip that I loved Luke, but he didn't tease me about it. Shockingly.
There was nothing in the contract that stated we couldn't become an actual couple.
Once I finally got to Luke's place and he told me how worried he'd been, I just wanted to hug him so bad. I was about to open up my thoughts to him, I really was. I was about to confess what it was I was feeling.
That's when I saw the vase of flowers and the card with the words From: Matthew x on it.
Jealousy was blinding, chaotic.
But I was jealous. I was upset because he didn't tell me the first time Matthew sent him flowers, even though now I've realized it wasn't actually a big deal. I just couldn't deal with the fact that after seeing those flowers the image of Matthew kissing Luke in that restaurant years ago wouldn't get out of my head.
I let the hurt turn into anger.
It was like I was in a trance, and the only time I snapped out of that trance was when I saw how badly my answer affected Luke; enough to kick me out of his house.
"It'll be fine," Michael was currently trying to reassure me. "You just need to explain to him that you made a mistake because knowing Matthew sent him flowers bothered you and that's why you acted like a dick."
Ashton opened a can of beer, sitting across from Michael and I. "Calum, I don't understand why you don't just talk to him."
"He's still mad at me." I mumbled. It only happened yesterday.
Michael placed an arm around my shoulder. "You'rs both going out to get lunch today, and you still have time before we leave for tour. You need to think of something that'll get him to forgive you."
"A romantic gesture perhaps," Ashton suggested, tapping his chin. "Like buying him a teddy bear or—"
"Flowers?" I spat out.
Both my bandmates found that incredibly funny. "You're so jealous. It's actually quite entertaining," Ashtin said as he crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back. "No offense, mate, but I've never seen you this problematic before."
"That's because he's admitting that he loves Luke now." Michael wiggled his eyebrows.
"Guys, Luke and I were doing so well these past few weeks. What if I just completely ruined that now?"
They were both silent, thinking. Ashton leaned in. "You know, I read this quote a few days ago. Bob Marley was the one who said it. It goes: Truth is, everybody's going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."
Michael nodded at Ashton's words then turned towards me. "You sure you love him?"
I blinked. "Yes."
"Then you don't quit on him now," Ashton shrugged. "Simple as that. You don't give up on the ones you love."
---
I knew it was going to be awkward.
And I was right. From the moment Luke sat in the passenger seat of my car there has been nothing but awkwardness. He was indeed still mad, which I didn't blame him for.
"Where are we going?" Luke asked, voice showing no hint of emotion.
I cleared my throat. "Where do you want to go?"
Luke didn't hesutate to answer. "You can decide."
"Are you hungry?"
"Mhm."
The entire car ride was silent. I decided on a restaurant Ashton, Michael and I had been to and I texted Patricia where we were as soon as I parked the car.
Once I turned off the engine, Luke slid on his sunglasses and unbuckled his seatbelt. He glanced at me, then just exited the car without another word.
Luke was waiting for me to get out of the car, but he was on his phone. He didn't look up when we started walking inside and he didn't look at me when we ordered food at the counter.
As we sat down and waited for our orders, Luke took off his sunglasses and I did the same. He was looking at his phone still, but I kept my gaze on him, also feeling multiple gazes on us.
He looked up, and when he saw that I was staring at him, he turned off his phone. "What?"
I lowered my voice, well aware that some people might be listening. "Luke, about the other day." I didn't like how he was looking at me, like I was some stranger who just decided to sit in front of him. "I'm sorry," I whispered, hoping he knew that I meant it.
I saw his adam's apple bob up then down. He looked down at the table and didn't say anything. Our food came and Luke smiled at the waitress, as if nothing was wrong. He continued to smile as he munched on his food.
Outside the restaurant window you could see a handful of people with professional cameras pointed at us.
I watched him eat. We didn't speak much, except about work.
"I'm leaving for tour soon. Details were already finalized. Everyone's excited."
"You're not?" His smile was still intact. I knew whenever Luke was faking a smile. I took pride knowing that not many people knew the difference.
"I am," I replied. I was genuinely excited. "Except leaving for tour would mean.."
I let him fill in the blanks. By the way he took a sudden deep breath, I guess he did. "When are you leaving?" He asked.
"In five days." I replied.
The smile had been fake, but it faded completely for just a second before he was grinning again. Luke cleared his throat. "I'm done eating, are you?"
"Yeah." I nodded.
We didn't have a huge fight about what happened in the car. We didn't even talk about it. Luke just thanked me for driving him home.
---
Time helps. A lot. Time apart was good, however too much time apart wasn't.
Four days. I kept my distance for four days. Patricia and Dave didn't tell us to go somewhere or to do something together, which was weird. I'm guessing Luke talked to them.
Something did happen in those four days. I had realized that I didn't come out to our fans officially. There have been a lot of people debating whether I was gay, bisexual, pansexual, etc. I brought this up with Michael and Ashton, and they suggested I should announce it in a more interesting way.
Ashton bought me the t-shirt. I thought it was genius. I put it on and I asked Michael to record me. The camera was first pointed at me pulling a serious face, then Michael tilted it down slowly until it revealed the shirt with the words this guy is bisexual with a big arrow pointing to my head. The camera tilted back up and I was grinning with two thumbs up.
We posted the video to the band's official social media accounts with a caption thanking our fans for the endless love and support. Needless to say, I think we broke the internet that day. Pretty much every magazine and news article had already talked about it, and I only posted the video two days ago.
The amount of people who had sent me messages of support, whether they were a relative, a fellow musician, some friends I've met through the years, or even just our fans, it was all incredibly heartwarming.
I may have cried a tear or two. Michael and Ashton may have also shed happy tears and engulfed me in a hug for over half an hour.
Today, I knew I needed to fix things with Luke.
I pulled up outside the gate of his house. I grabbed the medium-sized box from the passenger seat before going out. I was about to ring the doorbell when the gate opened.
It was a girl with curly blonde hair and striking blue eyes. She looked shocked to see me. "Oh my gosh, Calum! Hi! So nice to finally see you!" She extended her arm.
"Hello," I greeted, confused, but I shook her hand anyway. She then introduced herself as Luke's cousin, Nina. "He let me stay over for the night. Ooh, is that for him?" She gestured to the white box I was holding with one arm.
"Yes, actually. Is he awake?" It was only eight a.m.
"He was when I said goodbye. Would you like to see him?" She was already opening the gate wider. I smiled gratefully. She walked to the front door and took out a key, opening it. She led me inside and called out for Luke.
"Hey, Nina? Can I ask for a favor?" Nina turned around and I held out the box. "Could you give this to him, and maybe ask if he wants to see me? He and I.." I didn't know how to explain what was going on and I didn't know if Luke told her what happened, but she seemed to understand. She gently took the box from me and I watched her go up the stairs to his room. I heard the door to Luke's besdroom open and close.
A few moments later, Nina was downstairs, grinning at me. "He says you can go up." I let out a sigh of relief.
"Thank you, so much."
"No problem at all. But, um, Calum? Just.. take care of him, yeah?"
I smiled at Nina. Even if she wasn't aware about Luke and I's contract, it was good to see that she was truly worried for her cousin. "I will, I promise."
"Good, good," She nodded, taking a deep breath and nodding like her work here was done. "I need to get going. It was very nice meeting you!"
"You too." I waited until Nina left and had closes the door behind her before I slowly went up the stairs. I took a guess that Luke's bedroom door was the only currently closed and knocked. I heard him answer, faintly, "Come in."
Luke was still in his bed, shirtless, and his hair was slightly messy from sleeping. The comforter covered his lower torso, over that he had the box in between his legs.
He looked up when I closed the door behind me. "Hey."
I smiled at him. "Hi." I stood there for a moment, not knowing what to do. Luke patted at his comforter. "You can sit down," He saks.
I sat at the edge of his bed, a few inches away from him. Luke held up the note that I put inside the box, raising an eyebrow. "So. You wanted to talk?"
"Yeah. I just wasn't sure if you'd want to."
"Well, I'm guessing you're really serious." Luke sighed. "I mean, look at this," He lifted the box, shaking it a bit. "There's like a whole year's worth of chocolate and sweets in this thing."
There wasn't that much. The box was barely that big, but I did add an array for him to choose from. "You're a big fan of sweets."
"Sweets, yes." Luke nodded. "Diabetes before I'm twenty, no."
We both laughed at that. His voice still sounded quite sleepy. "Thank you, this was very kind and thoughtful of you."
I looked down, suddenly finding my fingers interesting. "I wanted to explain why I said what I did. That was incredibly awful of me to say."
"Calum?" I raised my head and Luke had this soft smile overtaking his face. "It's because they were from Matthew, I know. I understand. And, you were right. About the whole.. Kayla thing." He glanced down at the box, sheepish. "I did react the same way."
I looked at him, still not quite believing what he just said. It made me realize that we've both come a long way.
Seeing Luke like this, in his sleepy state and his morning voice, made me think of the years we were still best friends and I'd see him almost every morning before we went to school.
"I wanted to tell you that I'll really miss you.. while I'm on tour." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't what I had planned to say a few days ago.
I couldn't tell him now. I couldn't, because it would be too much like the time we were sixteen.
Luke licked his lips, fingers delicately tracing the sides of the box still situated between his legs as he replied, "I'll miss you too." He was kind of frowning now, and my stomach kind if dropped to my feet because of that. "What time do you leave tomorrow?" He asked.
"Early in the morning," I answered, not trying to conceal my sadness. "I still have a lot to do today, the only time I could stop by was right now."
Luke smiled. It was unfair how ethereal he looked during the morning. "I'm glad you stopped by."
"Me too." I looked at the box then at Luke again. "I'm sorry."
"You're forgiven. I'm sorry too. Hey, what about this: next time, we both start thinking our words through before saying them?" His tone indicated he was joking, trying to lighten the mood.
I grinned at him. "That, I can promise."
Luke placed the box on his left side and slid closer to where I was seated. "I recently remembered something, I think it was when we were thirteen. You remember that time when we were jamming out in your room and you told me how you wanted to perform for people all around the world?"
"How do you still remember that?"
Luke just shrugged. "Great memory. Anyway, you have to admit, it's amazing. You're doing what you wanted to achieve ever since we were kids."
I don't think my body could keep up with how happy I suddenly became. "I guess I am."
Before even thinking about it, before talking myself out of it, I reached my hand and my thumb traced Luke's jawline.
Luke closed his eyes and turned his face into my hand, his cheek brushing against my palm.
Then there was a moment where we just stared at one another.
I didn't know if I leaned in first or if Luke did.
The kiss wasn't anything rushed or eager. I settled on just savoring the feeling of having Luke like this, of being allowed to have him like this.
We stayed like that for a moment, then I had to pull away. Because I knew that if I didn't, I wouldn't have known how to say goodbye.