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Frozen Tears
(Chapter 2 Part A)
Even though Erik had long since been lost to sight I continued to stare back at the school a while after. Finally I sighed and turned around sliding back into my seat.
"What happened at school today" I heard Nate say in a frustrated voice. I had the sudden feeling that this wasn't the first time he had asked similar questions without any response.
"What do you mean" I asked quietly trying to fain ignorance.
"Finally a reply and you know very well what I mean. You've been unresponsive to what I say since I picked you up and you've been staring out the back of my truck for almost five minutes. Now fess up, what happened?"
Instead of answering his question I asked one of my own "have you ever had an experience of complete security and happiness before, with someone I mean?" I could feel a smile forming on my lips as I said this. He eyed me with a puzzled look on his face. "I mean like it was just you and him and you just never wanted it to stop." His face took on a worried expression as he asked me quickly "just what where you doing when you were supposed to be in gym and who where you with? Was it that Zack character" he said his face turning angry. So he already knew about my skip today. I groaned inwardly that meant that Anne and my Dad most likely knew too.
As he looked at me expectantly I suddenly realized what he was getting at and I hastily replied turning a dark shade of red "no, it wasn't like that and I wasn't with Zack." Zack? Why him? Where had that come from?
"Never mind" I said wishing I hadn't brought it up.
"Oh" he said with a knowing smile and relief clearly written across his face "is it possible my little Kairi has finally been bitten by the love bug?" I decided to ignore the question going for the whole 'I won't deem such a ridiculous question with a reply' approach when my tell tale face started blushing.
"Ah so that's what it is. Alas, I should have known that I wouldn't remain the only man in her life forever" he said taking such a sorrowful look that I couldn't help but laugh.
"I don't know what I mean" I said my laugh turning to a sigh "it was just strange is all." Nate raised his eyebrows at that but let it drop. We were nearly to my house by then and I was anxious for the solitary of my room to think over today.
"So you up for a trip to the beach to hit the waves tomorrow" Nate asked me as he pulled into my driveway. I knew Nate was trying to patch our friendship back together so even though I didn't really feel like it I would probably go. As much I loved Nate I knew that what had happened before would happen again. Nate and I where friends, best friends but that's all we where and that's all we'd ever be and I knew that not everyone understood or accepted that. When Nate found someone and I knew that he would eventually. I mean after all he is a pretty great guy, things would change again. Even though I selfishly resisted that change deep down I knew that what we had wasn't enough for him that he needed more and someday I probably would too. Maybe I already did. I think a big reason behind why I hadn't dated anyone yet was because I knew that if I did inevitably things between me and Nate would change or maybe it was just that no one had come along with an offer more tempting than what I had with Nate.
As I thought this I realized that I still hadn't given Nate an answer.
"Yes" I said sighing as I shuffled out of his truck.
"Try not to look so cheerful when you greet your Dad" Nate said sarcastically. I realized that I hadn't fooled him and I knew what he was getting at. Everyone was worried about me, my Dad probably the most out of anyone.
"Don't worry" I said "I'll put on a cheerful front for my Dad." That didn't seem to satisfy Nate from the disapproving look he gave me but as before he let it drop and pulled away. Even as I had thought all these things my mind had been split with a nagging in the back of my mind still wondering about Erik and now that I I wasn't sidetracked it came back in full force. I pushed it away not wanting to think about it.
As I walked to the porch I passed my Dad's vehicle so I knew he was home. I paused for a moment at the door to compose myself and plaster if not cheerful at least a less gloomy look on my face. When I was sure that I had it right I walked into the house. I heard the sound of singing coming from the bathroom. Oh he was in the shower. The first thing my Dad did when he came home was to take a shower to 'get the grime off' he said from working construction. I knew my dad still struggled being confined to one spot. He had been in the military when I was younger so we'd moved around a lot. Surprisingly my mother had loved it. She was always excited when we were going to a new place. She was sometimes impatient even to get going and my Dad would laugh at her saying that he was the only thing anchoring her to the ground that if he let go she would fly away to the moon. I walked over to the piano and grabbed the picture there. I was six years old and I had a big goofy smile on my face. My eyes scanned down to take in the face just below mine, my mom. I was sitting on her shoulders and she was leaning in towards the camera with a mischievous grin and a sparkle in her eyes. She was so strong and filled with life back then before she got sick. I found my mind drifting back towards the days when she was sick. Even then she didn't want to let go of life. I just knew she was sick. I was later told that she had cancer.
I felt someone's eyes on me and I looked over to see my Dad watching me with a sad look on his face with his hair all wet and plastered to one side. It still seemed strange to me sometimes seeing my Dad without a military style crew cut. I put the picture down and sighed, so much for putting on a good face for my Dad. He walked over to me and looked at the picture too.
"You have her smile you know, when someone can actually get you to smile" he said looking at me now. "You're too serious for someone your age. You need to laugh more. I don't like to see you so grave all the time."
"Sorry" I said "I haven't felt much like laughing lately." I immediately regretted those words as I saw the reaction they caused for even though it was my mother's father that was sick my Dad had become like a son to him over the years. I saw the worry cloud my father's eyes as he turned and walked into the kitchen.
"Sorry" I whispered after him feeling like a jerk. Why had I said that? I couldn't fall apart now. Why was my mask slipping now? I could feel my throat choke up and my eyes start to sting but I fought it back. It wasn't even a conscious effort now. I don't think I could cry if I wanted to.
I hadn't cried since my mom... since the funeral. I had snuck off into a corner of our house to be by myself and grieve. The only place I could find was the coat rack under the stairs. I was sitting in there on the floor with my arms wrapped tightly around my knees pressing them to my chest with tears streaming silently down my face. I heard a man sobbing and another man comforting him. I peeked out through the crack the door left and was surprised to see my Dad leaning against the wall crying with my Uncle Roger's hand resting on his back.
"I don't know" I heard my Dad say when his sobs had lessened "I don't know if I can be strong enough for her, for Kairi. I don't if I'll be able to comfort her when she's crying without breaking down myself. I don't even think I can keep myself together much less the broken little family we are now. I just. I don't..." he trailed off. After a few minutes he stopped crying and let a big whoosh of air.
"It's okay I think I can go back and face them now" he said wiping his eyes and walking slowly back towards the guests. I thought about what I'd over heard. I knew my Dad couldn't keep us together on his own and even as young as I was I knew that I could. I may not be able to bring us to shore but I could at least keep our heads above water until he was strong enough to take over. So I had dried my tears and decided that I wouldn't cry anymore. I had to be strong for my Dad. I had fixed a mask over my face and walked solemnly out to our guests.
I hadn't shed a tear since then. When my Dad was having a hard day I would go to him and comfort him. My Dad had called me his brave little soldier. Even after I knew my Dad was okay he had made his way to shore. I found myself still afloat somehow unable to bring myself into shore alone now just treading water with my mask still carefully in place even though there was no one to wear it for anymore.
I was the one who needed a life line now. I had been stuck in the water so long that I sometimes felt like I would lose strength at any moment and go under. This new worry that had come from my Grandfathers illness was tearing at me more than I would let anyone know. I was slow to love but when I did it went deep. Today though today I had been happy I thought surprised. When I was on that roof top bantering back and forth with him, with Erik, I had enjoyed that. It was like in that moment the mask had come off and now I was trying desperately to put it back in place but it kept slipping.
I found that while I had been musing over all this I had made my way upstairs. I let my bags drop on the floor turned the stereo on and flopped onto my bed. I knew that I would have to face the constant nagging in the back of my mind, Erik. It couldn't have really meant anything, I tried to convince myself. I had just met him. This wasn't me I didn't get all mushy over a guy I just met. Who was he anyway to get me so worked up? I would just do my project with him and be done with it. Somehow I knew that there was a false note in my logic. Why had he looked at me like that on the roof top and then in the parking lot when I left. No, I said sternly to myself, I had just imagined that or maybe he hadn't been looking at me at all. Sighing I decided I would just push him from my mind. Who knew maybe I had finally cracked and I was just fabricating all this in my mind.
I spent the rest of the night quietly until I heard the phone ring downstairs. I assumed it was Anne for Dad so I ignored it and he picked it up downstairs. To my surprise a moment later my Dad called up the stairs saying it was for me. I picked up the extension in my room and yelled to my Dad that I had it. I was even more surprised upon saying hello to hear Amy on the other line.
"Hey Karrie" she said purposefully mispronouncing my name I was sure "I was calling to make sure you where okay."
"Okay" I said "What do you mean?"
"Oh didn't he tell you. Well this is kind of awkward. Erik called me earlier today and asked me to be his A & P partner. He didn't tell you. I'm sorry" she said. Only she sounded the opposite of sorry.
"Oh" I said too surprised to make even a pretense of already knowing.
"Anyway, I just was checking to make sure you're okay with it. You guys did just meet right? I've known Erik since the beginning of the summer" she said smugly. I don't remember what I replied to her but it was enough to get her off the phone apparently. I was too distracted by the news. I tried to be happy about the fact that I didn't have to work with him on that stupid project now but I didn't quite succeed. I found myself full of questions. Why had he asked me to be his partner in the first place if he really wanted to work with Amy? Why did it matter to me it was just a stupid project? Why hadn't he told me that he wasn't going to be my partner anymore instead of leaving me to find out through Amy? Did I freak him out yesterday on the roof maybe? This was for the best I said to myself, it sounding false in my head without even saying it out loud. Since when had life become so complicated I wondered.