•Few Days Later •
"Have a great day at work, I love you." Those words can't get out of my head whatsoever. I feel so stupid honestly, um.. because I am. Can you guess what my stupid response was!? "Thanks for the ride, I'll see you later maybe.. bye." What the hell Izzy?! I'm just so mad at myself right now, those words just couldn't come out of my mouth. I love you. It's not that I don't love him, it's just that I'm scared to say it. That last time I said those words I didn't mean it, and it just caused a lot of problems and a break up. My mind is a huge swirl of words and thoughts, things I'm mad about myself and things that would have been nice for me to say. I can't help but think that, maybe this relationship isn't for me.
No no what are you saying!? You're just scared of commitment, look Izzy.. don't push away a person that loves you. He told you he loves you, you should be happy about it, not over thinking it and wondering if you should say it back.. You should already know if you love him or not. My thoughts were right, God how I'm grateful for my thoughts. Imagine if I would have broken up with him? So stupid, that's the word of the day.. stupid, starting with the letter 'S'. I look at myself in the mirror before I smoothen my uniform and walk out of the house ready to head out to the office.
**
•Several Hours at Work •
"Isaeli, how are the numbers coming along? Good or at least stable? I know you've been working for this raise and promotion." I look up at my section manager for numbers and stats, he smiles at me. "The numbers have honestly stayed the same, there really hasn't been a huge increase. Numbers are still good though.", he slowly nods "And the stats for this month?" I look on my monitor, "We made a little less than last month but it's still good. There hasn't been a huge drop in profits." I look at him. "That's great, please get a copy of that on my desk so I can send it up to the big man." He explains to me. "Of course, I'll have it for you before I go to lunch.", he pats the top of the little wall of my cubicle.
"Alright, sounds good.. thank you." He says before walking off. So, to explain my job so that it's not too confusing. I work in a corporate office, it's the important of all important offices. We're in the headquarters of the Samsung Electronics, which brings in $44.9 billion dollars a year with a 10.5 billion dollars in operating profits. I'm in charge of numbers and profits, I went to college for a really long time just to be able sit in a cubicle. I make a good amount of money so, it's not bad. I'm really working for a promotion, I want to be one of the people that works on the floor just below the CEO.
I look over the files of profits and print them out, I look at the time and get myself ready to take my lunch. I slowly stand up and grab a vanilla folder and a paperclip. "Hey Isaeli, are you going to lunch?" I hear Gena, my friend of many years since I've worked here we were both interns. "Oh yeah, just have to set this on Kee's desk. Then I go to lunch." I tell her. Her hair is up in a bun and she has a beige blouse on and a black skirt with some flats. "I'll wait for you then." She nods, "Okay, right now.", "No problem." I get the printed papers and make sure they're neat, I use the paperclip before I set them in the vanilla folder and she walks with me to Mr Kee's office. I hope for this will be my office one day and then I'd want to go higher.
I walk up to the open door and he's on the phone, I wave at him and he lightly waves then signals for me to enter his office. I smile and walk up to his desk before I set the folder on top of it neatly before patting it to emphasize my action. He smiles and shoo's me away, I bow to him and walk out of his office. "So tell me about Jimin." She smiles. "I don't think I want to talk about him right now." I pout. "What what what what?" She asks silently as we still walk through the work floor, "What happened?" She asks concerned. "It already didn't work out?" I bite my lip. "Wait until we're in the break room." I tell her, she nods.
We make it to the break room, Gena and I walk over to the refrigerator and grab our lunches. We sit at one of the smaller tables, it's only us and a couple other people having lunch. "So, something bad happened with Jimin?" She asks. I slowly open my lunch bag, "I did something really stupid." I start, finally saying something to her after long while of silence. "What'd you do?" She looks concerned, from what I've told her she knows that I really like Jimin. "He told me that he loves me and I thanked him for the ride home." Her jaw drops. "Do you not love him?" She ask.
"Of-", "Han Isaeli?" I hear my name get called from the door of the break room, I instantly look up. "Yes?", "Someone is here in the lobby to see you.", "Okay." I reply. "What if it's him?" She asks. "Then I'll tell him how I feel." I saw as I slowly stand up and she pats my butt for some reason which makes me laugh. "You got this girl." She nods. "Thanks." I walk out of the break room and make my way over to lobby on the first floor. I smoothen my top before the elevator opens, I walk out and head over to the front desk, "I was told that someone is here to see me." I say. "Isaeli." I hear behind me, my jaw clenched.
I turn towards the voice, I look away. "No hey, let me apologize." I look back at him. "I don't want to hear your apology Mat." I say in a whisper so that people around can't hear. "What do you want? I'm at work for crying out loud, you're cutting my lunch short." I say through gritted teeth, his eyebrows knit. "Look, I was being a complete jerk. I don't want to lose your friendship, okay?" He says, his piercing blue green eyes staring intensely into mine. "Mat, do you really think-", "Please Izzy, I've been thinking about this day and night. Not being able to forgive myself with what I said to you that day." He says. My eyebrows knit. "Mat-", "Please, just think about it.." He says holding onto my hand.
"I'm not leaving until I get an answer from you." He says crossing his arms over his broad chest. "I don't want to talk about it right now." I yank my hand away from him. "Then tell me about your relationship." I look down at my feet, "It's been great, why do you care?" I say, fixing my shirt to make sure it's still tucked in. "That's good, and I'm just asking as a friend." He says, I know I have about thirty minutes left of my break, it wouldn't hurt to talk to him for a bit. We sit down at some chairs in the lobby. "And you?" I pause. "Have you found yourself that special someone yet?" I ask looking up at him. I see him bite his lip. "Eh, there's this one girl but she's all over the place." He says fiddling with his fingers.
"All over the place?" I ask, he nods as he cracks his pinky. "Like, I don't think she's ready for commitment. All she wants to do is party, drink, be really intimate with me." I lift my eyebrows. "And you're complaining because??" I ask completely confused. "I remember that's all you wanted when we were together, you wanted to party and drink." I nervously adjust the cuff on my shirt. "And most importantly.." I pause.
"You wanted to do things with me, so I don't know why you're complaining about that part." I say. He chuckles. "Look.. Izzy." He places his hands on his lap. "It wasn't always about wanting to have sex with you okay?" He asks as he holds onto my hands, my eyebrows knit a bit to his action. "You were perfect for me, and I hate the fact that I let you slip out of my finger tips." I look down at our hands. "Is this a confession or do you want to be my friend?" I ask trying to take my hands out of his grasp, but he tightens his grip. "It's a little of both, you see. Everyday I see you, all my feelings come rushing back because I can't get over you." I stop struggling and look at him odd. "You know that I'm in a relationship, right?" I ask.
A small grin pulls on the corners of his mouth. "Why does that matter? We used to be in love." He says. I frown and shake my head. "No, I'm sorry Mat but I can't do this. I don't love you like I used to." I say. His eyebrows knit together, making his face look mad. "Izzy I thought I was going to be okay with being your friend, but I'm not. I really miss you." He says, the grip on my hands tightens even more making the tips of my fingers go pink. "Mat I don't love you okay? I love Jimin." I blurt out. There it was, there was the truth, and I'm 100% sure that I meant it because when I said it, I didn't hesitate. I didn't have to think twice about it because my heart knows that it's true.
A smile breaks out on my face, and I feel my cheeks heating up. "What!?" I'm ripped away from my thoughts. "You love who?" Mat asks, letting go of my hands furiously as he stares into my eyes. He might make a scene in the lobby. "I love my boyfriend." I tell him, throwing my nose up in the air, getting a little sassy about it. "What? So do you love this guy so much that you let him fuck you?" He asks, crossing his arms over his chest. I shrug.
"And? What's it to you? You're not my boyfriend, and lower your voice.. we're in a business place." I say. He appears to be really pissed off. "Oh! So the next boyfriend you get, you decide to just let him fuck your brains out, but when we were together you only let my hand touch you. Are you fucking kidding me?" His voice rising, I cross my arms over my chest. "And? Why do you care so much Mat? You're just mad because you were never going to get some, I didn't have a certain connection with you like the one I have with Jimin. He's different." I tell him.
He stands up quickly, making me jump. "Wow Izzy, I can't believe it took a whole year for you to realize you didn't want me. And then you go off and find another guy and just decide. 'Oh hey, even though I was in a long relationship where I told my boyfriend, who had been with me for a year, I wasn't ready for sex. I'm gonna go ahead and have sex with the next guy I date.'" He says, he's really pissing me off. Mat really doesn't understand, I have different feelings for Jimin than I did for him.
"Wow Mat, I don't get why all of a sudden you're confessing and bringing up sex when you know damn well I'm in a relationship, and we've been broken up for a good year now. You're just mad because you can't have me anymore." I say. He stands up and walks over to me. "Oh yeah? You think that?" He asks as he inches closer to me. "Mat stop, I don't want this." I say as he pulls onto my hand so that I stand up, even when I try to sit back down he's so much stronger than me. He sets a hand on the back of my neck, pulling me close to him. I look around for help but everyone is too busy with their work or maybe they see what's going on but won't do anything. That's right, I forget that the man is in charge.
"Oh come on Izzy, you know you've missed me just as much as I've missed you." He whispers before forcing his lips against mine.
**
So I decide to go and visit Izzy at work. Yeah yeah, I know I had seen her like four hours ago or so when I dropped her off, but I confessed that I loved her and I wanted to maybe see if she loves me back. I know I know, maybe I'm forcing it but I don't want to be that type of person that always falls in love first in the relationship, I want to make sure we're on the same page. Or I at least want to talk about it because I don't want to seem like I got mad or anything, I just feel like communication is key.
I remember where her work building is at from this one time I took her lunch, speaking of lunch.. she should be on break right now. I somehow find parking and approach the Samsung building. With my hands in my pocket I cautiously look around, my heart jumps in my chest when I see her. Then it suddenly stops, there she is with a man's hands all over her. I thought it couldn't get any worse but it does, he pulls her into a kiss.
My heart automatically shatters, after I had confessed my love she just walks over me and forgets about me. She goes out of her way to kiss a man I've never seen before. Maybe she likes that he's tall and has bigger hands than I do. On a serious note, she must really not take our relationship seriously and not love me back. I can't take it anymore, watching this horrible scene. I then turn and head back the way I came, well this was a waste of gas and my time.
**
•Working Hours at Club •
I wipe down the bar and begin to fill the beer dispenser. That heart breaking image can't get out of my head, I bang my fist against the bar. "Why me!? Huh!!? Why!?" I scream as I grab a fist full of my hair. "I'm in this one way love shit again, it's happened again! Why don't they ever love me back? Am I unlovable? It's not fair." I whisper to myself. The timer on my watch beeps, telling me that a guy is coming by to set up his stuff so that I can see the way he mixes music. I walk over to the front door and as expected he's there. "Aye, Dowon right?" I ask him, he bows. "Yes sir." He says immediately. "Aye, kid.. just call me Jimin haha." I tell him. "O-Okay."
"You got equipment?" I ask him. "Yes, I'm my car.", "Okay, I'll help you bring it in." I nod and we bring his DJ equipment into my club and he sets it up while I do last minute cleaning. I walk up to the DJ area, "This okay for you?" I ask, he nods instantly. "So, all you gotta do is show me what you got.. and then I'll let you know later tonight, don't stress it. Have fun and make sure the people are having fun too." I explain to him. "Okay, I'll show you my best." I smile at him and he gets comfortable. I look at my phone, it's time to open up my club. I stand up straight and dust off my worries as they're still in the back of my head. I can't have this atmosphere when people come into my club, it'll make my customers feel unpleasant. I unlock the door and wait a couple of minutes until people start to arrive.
There's a large amount of pretty women tonight, very flirtatious. They walk over to the bar, and my first instinct is to throw them my signature smile. "What can I get you fine ladies tonight?" I ask. One of the girls is very familiar to me, the kind of an unwanted familiarity. "Jimin?" She calls to me, and her voice gives me horrible chills. The sort of chills that make my bones rattle and my stomach tighten. "Gi." Her name leaves my lips like acid, burning my lips as a breath escaped me. All the other girls move so that she can make her way to the bar and in front of me.
"Wow Chim chim, you look great." She smiles as her big brown eyes scan my body, she looked different from what I remember. Her outfit was hot, a tight red dress that exposed most of her chest. You can clearly tell that she isn't wearing a bra underneath, that is very very clear. The bottom of her dress is also very short, that I'm sure anyone would get lucky to see if she's wearing panties underneath if she barely even bent over. But I'm just not interested to investigate further, her long legs crossed and her heels expose her pink painted toes. Her small pinky toe accessorized with a thin ring, my eyes run back up her body. Her hair had grown out, she had it curled perfectly. Her make up wasn't heavy but you can tell she had some on, I find myself checking her out intensely. I'm cut away from my thoughts.
"Wow Gi, you know this hottie?" One of the girls asks as she also checks me out. She chuckles and leans in, that laugh.. I don't know if I feel comfortable with her laugh or not. Memories running through my head but they're not clear, all those years of getting myself to forget.. I've successfully forgotten. All I can think about this moment is Isaeli's laugh, or when we laugh together. "I knew him a really long time ago actually.. He's much different than I remember, definitely buffer and better looking." She says biting her glossy lip.
"Is that a good thing?" I ask curiously, though all the things that she's stated are pretty good. A smirk plays on her lips. "Oh definitely." She says pulling on the front of my shirt, slowly pulling me forward toward her causing me to lean over the bar so I'm face to face with her. "Oh dang Gi, get at that." One of the girls cheers. She chuckles again before she presses her lips against mine and I don't fight it, but I don't kiss her back. It probably feels like she's kissing a dead fish, my hands grip the wood trimming of the bar. I can't make up my mind if I want this or not. The taste of her creamy lip gloss made my mouth sore up with desire and lust.
I shut my eyes tight and try to tell myself that this is wrong, just because Isaeli did it.. doesn't make it okay for me to do it. Getting someone back is never the right thing to do, but I feel so numb inside. I can't, I can't get myself to kiss her back. So she does what she wants to me. Her teeth biting down on my bottom lip, before she aggressively pulled on it and kissed me once more before she pulls away. She stares at me with those eyes. "I've missed you Jimin.. I really have." She says and for some reason I don't believe her words. She caresses my face with her hand, her acrylic nails poking my ear and my jaw.
It's crazy how the woman that broke me is the woman that came back after another hurt me, and she even kissed me.
"Jimin??" I hear someone say my name as I suck on my bottom lip, the peachy taste still on my skin. I turn my head to the direction I heard my name being called. She stands there, her bottom lip quivering and her eyes filled with tears. My heart fills with anger and remorse. "Izzy.." Her name spills out in a eerie yowl as it leaves my glossy tainted lips. So badly I wanted to tell her that I didn't mean it, but the memory of what she did today sticks in my head. Another man's lips on my girl, his filthy saliva all over what's mine. His hand on her back, the back that she arches for me. His other hand on her neck, the neck that I kiss and bruise.
I'm only making myself angry thinking about what happened today. I obviously can't run up to her because I'm the only one that works here, and it's not smart to leave the bar unattended. Also, because I'm supposed to be listening to the DJ. I just stare at her, her expression making my heart ache but also my head angry. Why would she cry when she did it to me? She doesn't love me, she didn't respond when I told her how I felt. It's like we stand here for an eternity, I don't know what she's thinking but I know that I'm confused about everything that has to do with today. My eyebrows slowly knit and it's like everything's in slow motion, I bite my lip and my hands grip the bar even harder.. I might break the trimming off.
She smacks her hand over her mouth as if regretting saying my name before she runs out of the club almost running into people that are entering. Then she's gone.
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[ R E V I S E D ]